Part III of the epic three part Lost Finale recap!
Click to read Part I
Click to read Part II
“Hey Doc, you know where I could get some grub and/or make out with your ex-wife around here?”
Sawyer’s Apollo Bar gets stuck in the vending machine, and it’s only a matter of moments before a certain Leggy Blond we know comes to swap sarcastic comments with him!
Juliet: You know, if you unplug the vending machine the candy will just drop the to bottom.
Sawyer: Is that so? Or do you just want to get me in the dark?
So he unplugs the thing, and the candy falls down, and as soon as they touch they both flash!!!
Ack: They both remembered those 5 scenes they were in together last year that apparently was enough to convince half the audience that they were a happy couple and that all those years of character development between them and Kate and Jack was over in a matter of one episode!
Audience: Hey! Stop being so bitter!
Ack: I CAN’T HELP IT, I’M SORRY. ;_;
Conveniently they didn’t have enough scenes together to have any bad stuff to remember, except that time Juliet fell to her death, although she wasn’t a bad guy.
And even though I hate Sawyer and Juliet together almost as much as Jack and Kate together, that moment when they both remembered Juliet falling and they both stepped back a bit was really sad!
You know what guys, let’s all just be happy that they are happy, no matter who it is that is making them happy, okay? Okay. So they made their plans to get coffee and go Dutch and everything was hunky dory.
***
Back in the Sideways World, Jack finally shows up to the concert way after it’s over. Kate comes strolling up to him in porn star heels that only a man would have bought for a woman (nice, Desmond), and she wants to chat.
Jack: Do I know you?
Kate: You mean, like, in the biblical sense?
Jack: Did you steal my pen?
Kate: Is that a euphemism?
Jack: You mean like getting caught in a net?
Even though Kate grabbed his noggin and he started to have island flashes again, Jack repressed them AGAIN! Kate knew that the only way she’d get him to understand was to bring it all back to the beginning. Jack had to go see his daddy.
Grab your life jackets, people. The Jearstorm’s coming, and I can already see it starting to Jearizzle.
***
Hurley: You going down there is suicide, dude! The island needs you!
Jack: No, the island needs you, Hurley! I was only a temp hired to finish this project, you’re obviously the permanent Island Team Player!
Jack managed to convince Hurley to drink the magical potion and become the island guardian, even though Hurley’s puppy dog face made it super hard. Good thing Jack had just done this like 12 hours ago, he remembered exactly what to do!
Of course Ben is standing there, mumbling something about how he could have been a contender, but he gives Jack the dirty bottle to fill with dirty water to give Hurley magical powers and/or dysentery.
Even I’ll admit Jack was being really brave, although it’s too bad those tears of his didn’t have healing powers ala a phoenix because he’d have been in ship shape in no time!
Anyway, Ben and Hurley lower Jack into the bottom of Mount Doom (I mean, one does not simply walk into Mordor), and he finds Desmond laying there, screaming about how he’s not even supposed to BE here today!
Then in some kind of crazy hat-trick Jack does 3 likable things all at once! He tells Desmond to go home and be with his wife and son, he makes a funny about finally be right for once, and then he says, “I’ll see you in another life, brother,” which sounds really lame, but at this point we all just want to hug the guy!
***
And then Sawyer and Kate finally get to the other island, and they can hear the plane montage coming to an end, but this crazy bitch Claire is still sitting there being all pouty and wigging out!
Claire: I don’t know how to be a mother! Jack finally stopped whining, so as his sister I have to take up that duty!
Kate: Claire! For chrissakes! Your coochie is my Constant, will you please just get your tiny ass in gear!? Build yourself a bridge and get the fuck over it!
Claire: Oh, alright!
So FINALLY, they all start running for the plane, and luckily Frank, Richard, and Miles had all just faded out of the montage with enough time to notice these tiny little specs running towards them!
And thanks to that runway Kate and Sawyer helped the Others build, the plane took off, the music swelled, and the happy violins of freedom played our Losties off this goddamn island once and for all!!!!!!!
*slow clap*
***
Jack’s apparently built like a brick shithouse because despite having his head bashed in with a rock, being stabbed in the side, and falling down the waterfall, he still has it in him to stick the rock back into the fiendish thingy!!!!
And after a dramatic pause, all his Jears started filling up the pool again, and Jack made the most hilarious face of all time, and we were all like, “CONGRATUWELLDONE, JACK. YOU FINALLY GOT TO BE THE HERO YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE!”
*continuing the slow clap*
Desmond got hauled back up to the top, and even though we were all happy our sexy Scot made it through this ordeal, Hurley and Ben wanted to know what the hell happened to Jack!
And so did we, come to think of it – the last time a guy fell into that light he become a pissed off pillar of smoke! Would Jack just become one giant floating Jear cloud or what!?
***
So back at the church where even Jesus is like “OMGWTF!?” it seems like people are gathering!
Locke: Hello, Benjamin.
Ben: Hello, John.
Locke: Are you coming inside?
Ben: I think I have some more things I need to work out first.
Locke: So you killed me, so what? I forgive you.
Ben: So what? Sew buttons! I don’t deserve what lies inside those doors yet, friend.
Locke: Well I guess fate has a “You broke it, you bought it” kind of policy.
And that’s when Locke is healed-ah by the power-ah of the Lord-ah. Or something like that.
Although he wouldn’t have even tried to walk without our little Benry, so it looks like he is getting better after all.
***
“So if I’m the new island Santa Clause, do you want to be my Head Elf? I know Jacob was kind of a douche to you, but I could use someone with experience.”
Ben: It would be an honor, o captain my captain. How about we start by helping Desmond go home?
Hurley: But no one can leave the island, how can we do that?
Ben: Oh, that’s just how Jacob ran things. Like you said, he was kind of a douche. You can run this chocolate factory however you want, Charlie, Hugo.
Remember that time Hurley and Ben shared a candy bar by the cabin? Well now they’re gonna share the island in an equally adorable way.
So Hurley became the best guardian the island ever had. I’d like to think he helped Desmond get home, flew Carmen and Cheech there for luaus, let the surviving Losties come and go over the years whenever they’d like, and helped all those trapped ghosts move on.
I mean, if anyone deserves to live a few thousand years and help people, I think it’s Hugo. <3
***
Hurley: You coming in, dude?
Ben: No, I don’t think so. Not yet.
Hurley: Okay. You know…you were a real good #2.
Audience: lolz
Ben: And you were a great #1, Hugo.
Audience: …lolz.
“This is where I was going to have my father’s funeral. Why are we here?”
“I’ll be waiting inside once you’re ready to leave. You’ll find your black sweat suit, purple shroud, and Nikes right inside the door. I’m sure the Kool-Aid is mixed up by now. See ya.”
And so while Jack sat there trying to make sense out of things, Kate went inside to change into something a little more comfortable less slutty.
***
Jack woke up in the same exact spot Jacob found Smokey’s body, but instead of turning into a cloud, Jack was still human! And alive! Barely!
Most people would have probably just stayed there and died, but Jack Shephard is apparently 2 Legit 2 Quit!
***
He goes into the back room of the church where his father’s body is, and we’re all kind of wondering, “WTF kind of hippie church is this, with the crosses and Stars of David and the Yin and Yang and – is that a frozen donkey wheel!?”
As this is like, the CULMINATION OF EVERYTHING, and since Daddy Jearbucks is involved, Jack performs the patented Shephard Head Squeeze®!
So he puts his hand down on the coffin and FINALLY FINALLY JACK REMEMBERS!!!!!!!
He remembers crashing on the island and saving the shit out of people all the time! He remembers Kate and saving even more people! The Lost producers must have had a really hard time trying to find that many clips of Jack actually smiling!
Conveniently Jack doesn’t remember making every huge mistake known to man, or becoming a bearded drug addict, or being a self righteous, bossy, whiny, arrogant ass to 95% of the people he came into contact with, but IT DOESN’T MATTER! You know why?
Because – BRACE YOURSELVES – JACK HAS REDEEMED HIMSELF. Shock! Horror! Etc! I mean, dude saved the world you guys. Cut him a break. ;D
SO ANYWAY, Jack finally opens the coffin and – GASP! There is no one inside! OMGWTFPOLARBEAR!?!?!?! A’S;LFK’A;SLDKF’;LKADSL;’AFKDLS;
Christian: Hey, kiddo.
Jack: DAD?
Audience: CHRISTIAN!?
Jack: I don’t understand…you DIED!
Audience: YEAH, YOU DIED!!!!!
Jack: How are you here?
Christian: How are you here?
“Uh….because…the Force is strong in my family. My father has it…I have it…and my sister has it.”
“Well…close enough. I’m dead, but you’re dead too, Jack. We all are.”
JEARSIUS MAXIMUS!!!!!! ;___________________;
Jack: Are you real?
Christian: Of course I’m real! Everything that’s happened to you is real!
Jack: They’re all dead too?
Christian: Everybody dies sometime, some before you and some waaaay after you!
Christian explains that there is no “now” where they are – they all made this place together so they could find one another. The time they spent on that island was the most important part of their lives!
And that’s when the audience started freaking out as hard as Jack! It turns out none of them could “move on” without one another because they needed each other to remember! Because no one does it alone!
JEARS IN HEAVEN ;_;
“Wunderbar! Now quit acting like a pussy and go say hi to all your little friends out there.”
So Jack finally steps out into the sanctuary and he finds all his Oceanic 815 buddies there! This is either Heaven or the most attractive AA meeting ever!
Sayid doesn’t care that Nadia’s not there, and Boone’s not mad that Shannon’s looking longingly into Sayid’s eyes!
Locke’s girlfriend Helen is nowhere to be found, but he doesn’t mind because he could totally break dance his way into heaven now that his legs are fixed!
But in case you thought that JUST MAYBE Damon and Carlton would leave us with a Super Mega Happy Ending, you were WRONG! Because Lost has always been about good AND bad, the happy AND the sad, black AND white, and of course life AND death.
What better way to end the series than one of those magical music montages in which you remember just how much you love the show?
WE WILL MISS YOU, DESMOND AND PENNEH! :(
WE WILL MISS YOU, CHARLIE AND AARON AND SHANNON AND CLAIRE AND SUN! :(
WE WILL MISS YOU, JIN, AND LIBBY, AND HURLEY! :(
…and meanwhile Jack is making his way back to the beginning…
WE WILL REALLY MISS YOU, SAWYER!!!!!! ;_;
WE WILL MISS YOU, KATE! :(
…to have the story end where the story began…
And then everyone sat down together with their significant others on the pews except for Locke and Boone but whatever…
And even though they’re all really happy to finally be together again, and to be moving on with the people that meant so much to them, we can’t help but get all Jearsy about it ;_____;
And as if we weren’t already crying hard enough, VINCENT HAS TO COME AND LAY DOWN NEXT TO JACK because Vincent was there the moment Jack woke up after the crash…
And Christian Shephard finally lives up to his ridiculously ~*symbolic*~ name by opening the doors and letting in that magic sparkly light that lives inside every one of us and also in the island’s hoo-ha…
AND THEY’RE ALL SO HAPPY BECAUSE THEY’RE FINALLY TOGETHER, EVEN THOUGH WE’RE ALL SO SAD… D:
AND JACK IS LAYING THERE ON THE GROUND WITH VINCENT, HERE AT THE END OF ALL THINGS, AND WE’RE ALL LIKE, “THAT’LL DO, PIG. THAT’LL DO…”
AND AS IF THAT WEREN’T BAD ENOUGH THE FRIGGING PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD JUST LIKE IN THE PILOT BUT IN ONE PIECE, SO WE KNOW FRANK WILL GET THEM HOME SAFE AND SOUND…
AND JACK REALIZES THAT HE ACTUALLY WAS RIGHT THIS TIME…
AND THE BRIGHT LIGHT FILLS THE CHURCH AND WE KNOW ALL OUR LOSTIES WILL REST IN PEACE…
…and Jack closes his eye and dies, the final shot of the entire series one final Jear quivering on the edge of his lashes.
Super Crazy Lost Fans: SO SIDEWAYS WORLD WAS PURGATORY!!!!!!! AGHHHH!!!!!;LA’;LSKDF;’LAKSDF;LASD
Your Everyday Lost Fans: So the Sideways World was purgatory! Neat!
The n00b Lost fans: OMG I WAS RIGHT, THE ISLAND WAS PURGATORY, YOU GUYS!!!!!
Super Crazy Lost Fans: *head desk*
THE END!!!!!!!!!
***
On a personal note, I’d like to thank each and every one of you who has come to read my recaps every week for the last 4 years. These recaps started as a joke, and I never EVER had any idea that they’d become such a phenomenon. I will always look back on my time as a crazed Lost fangirl with love, and a lot of that has to do with you guys. My readers…are the best readers…of all the readers. Writing these recaps has been a challenge to say the least, but all the love I receive in return for them always made it totally worthwhile. I’m so happy I could make you guys laugh week after week. I may recap a new show, I may not…but you should all know that for me, YOU MADE LOST WORTH LIVING! :D
The Ack Attack isn’t going anywhere, so please stop by and visit!
You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.
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thanks so much for these. saying goodbye to lost was hard enough, but saying goodbye to your caps is going to be awful. thanks again, we love you!!!
Just a thanks for all the amazing Lost recaps over the years! You are truly amazing and I have enjoyed reading every single one!
Lost may be gone but these recaps will be here for re-reading! :)
Oh Ack. That was just a fantastic ending to our Lost journey. Thanks for all your hard work and the massive amount of joy that it has brought me. Can’t wait to see what’s next for you!
OMG I just finished reading Part III and even despite your wonderful snarkiness I found myself almost crying AGAIN at the end of the show. Kudos to you and I also will be missing my Monday morning routine of looking for your recaps–they made my work week start off great!
Thank you so much for doing this over the years! They are sooo funny! I’m going to miss them so much! Some times I was more excited for your recaps than the actual episodes. Again, thank you so much!
all is said and done. I finally was able to bring myself to read the your final LOST recap – it was well worth the wait Ack. TY for making me laugh when I so badly wanted to cry. I will continue to visit and read up on you and whatever you do. This has been a great journey for me and I wish I had known about this place years ago instead of just the past year and a half.
You brought pop culture and LOST together in a beautiful way. Thanks again.
♥ Ali
Thanks for all the memories, smiles, and muffled guffaws –
See you in another life, sista!
I’ll miss your recaps almost as much as I’ll miss Lost. Thanks for the laughs, and damn, you made me cry with this last one! :D
I didn’t actually cry during the episode – because I think I was in shock – and I have been waiting to read the recap trifecta so I could make the flava last longer, so then I start crying reading the recap! GAH!
I have left a comment on each of these final three parts of your wonderful writing and light hearted look at “LOST The End”. It was great that you also addressed all the different aspects,of how differently fans may have reacted to it.
Personally I loved the way they ended it, and will miss it terribly! Although I knew it would have to end someday. There will never be another TV show that will ever take its place in my heart.
Thanks again Ack
Just wanted to belatedly throw a hearty THANK YOU for doing all of those wonderful, wonderful recaps. You made “lol episode title” a permanent fixture in our home, for goodness sake. Bravos all around, Ack.
I’ve been reading your FINAL *sniff* recap over and over again, just not wanting this to be The End (lol episode title ;) ) OH LOST, I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU!!
Seriously though, thank you for so many laughs! And screencaps! And Jears, and Lapenis! I will SO miss the ongoing posts, too. *JEAR*
What are your post-Lost plans? LOL, I feel like I’m asking you “what are you doing after graduation?” :D I’m thinking of watching the ENTIRE series backwards. See, I really CAN’T quit…
This was fantastic Ack, made me cry all over again…I am so sad with out our Lost. What are we all gonna do?
Thanks for a last recap, perfect and funny as always. I am one of those fans who did not like the ending, and one of those skaters who were pretty disappointed but all in all, the show had me on my toes for 6 years so thats got to count for something, right?
Thanks again for great recaps!
You are the best, and thanks for these! They were something I looked forward to every week. :-)
I will miss the Jears……. LOL
SO AMAZINGLY EPIC
I’m going to miss these recaps as much as I miss the show…
These recaps were amazing, as usual… I totally got Jearsy reading this! Thanks so much for your awesome genius.
“My readers…are the best readers…of all the readers.”
For some random reason, I had “your art is the best art of all the art” stuck in my head this morning and then you wrote that! Does that mean I’M psychic, or you??
I loved these recaps. Now when I watch the show on DVD, I’ll come back here and read your recaps for some extended good times. So don’t ever take them down!!
Long time reader, first time poster…Thank you for sharing your hard work, wit, uncanny ability to pick the perfect screen cap and insane knowledge of pop culture…your recaps made Lost even better, and we are all better fans for being able to come here on Mondays and laugh.Thank you again for sharing your passion for Lost with all of us.
Tara
Ack, great Epic recap as predicted! Thank you again for all your hard work… you are hilarious!
As for the finale itself, when I watched it live I wasn’t sure what to think (it was great, but the ending left me a little confused like the end of MEMENTO, I wanted to watch it again right away). I did notice the FDW in the stained glass and when he walked around that room I thought we were going to get a Usual Suspects ending i.e. all the stuff in the room was like the cork board.
Upon second viewing I was really touched by it all, as someone who is terrified of dying I now understand better about letting go of this life and that it’s possible to walk forever with those you love.
BTW I love the fact that as weird as it sounded it was cool they let jack say, “see you in another life brother”
Because that’s the theme, is it not?
These recaps made Lost so much more fun. I always looked forward to them, and I’m going to miss them now (even if I do disagree with you about Sawyer and Juliet!).
Thanks for the laughs. :)
I never commented, but I’ve been reading these for quite some time. I have to say that you did a bang up job with this finale. I know you like to criticize the show a lot, but the fact you seemed to watch this one and actually thoroughly enjoy it with a clear head is great. Glad to see you cry too, lol. Rock on and I’m sure whatever you do in the future, you’ll succeed there too!
Thank you. Just thank you.
I’ll be in my bunk.
Thanks so much for these over the years!
Aaaaaand I’m darn near crying AGAIN.
OMG, I just caught up with the last of your recaps, and, of course, am all misty. I officially out myself as a geek with the ending of Lost, and could never have done it without you.
I wish you much success with your writing. I will be checking in regularly. In the meantime, I’ll see you on Ravelry.
I believe in you, dude.
OMG Rachel, this was fantastci! Such an epic recap for an epic ending to an epic show. Thank you so much for doing this, every week. We’re going to miss this as much as we miss LOST!
Hi, this is the first time I comment on your recaps. I’ve been reading them for a couple of seasons.
Thank you very much. I’m gonna miss them.
I teared up at the end of Lost. Your recap made me cry again. You summed up beautifully my feelings about it…
Be seeing you…
The Ack Attack is my constant…
NAMASTE ;)
OHH ACK!! I’M FUCKING JEARING JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT LAST SCENE!! THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME RELIVE IT!!! But… I might have to *somewhat* blame you for the insane pool of tears that’s ruining my laptop right now. Oh, God.
*collapses in a pool of light and mentally zooms in on one eye and closes it, but has to open it again because she’s CRYING SO MOTHERSHITTING HARD!*
:_________,(
thank you so much for these wonderful recaps over the years! sundays were always my favorite days during the LOST seasons when these beauties would be posted. you are so funny!
I’ve been in denial that it was The End, so I’ve put off reading my final Ack recap until tonight, because for me, it was always the perfect ending to each epsiode.
As others have said, it was always my Monday ritual and I’ve enjoyed your humor as much as I’ve enjoyed Lost’s maddness. Recently, I’ve found myself randomly muttering “You shot me in tha’ groceries!” and cracking up.
I loved “This is either Heaven or the most attractive AA meeting ever!” and of course, “That’ll do pig, that’ll do.”
Read you in another life, sistah (or most likely again in a month when I start to go through hard-core, bearded-Jack Lost withdraw).
Ack, I’ve been with you from the beginning, but never left you a comment. I’m not much of a commenter, I guess.
I have to say that your recaps were always pitch perfect, hilarious, and indispensable. An episode of Lost was never complete until I read your recap the following Monday…it was a ritual for me. You are as much a part of my favorite show of all time as the show itself.
I’m jearing up here…
Only us Losties, many of us on this amazing site, truly understand what we’re losing. It was beyond a television show for me and many people. It was a journey of life and death, romance and broken hearts, and, of course, black and white. I’m glad to have a group of people, even if they are strangers, that truly understand the undeniable beauty of this show. And you gave that to us all.
Thanks, Ack. From the bottom of my heart. And I’ll be checking in on you every Monday from here on out, sistah.
Oh Ack. Utter awesomesauce. I think I’m going to miss your recaps most of all.
I read these lost recaps when you had a bout three comments on some on them. I’ve been a horrible commenter. But I must say that I love your recaps. You spend so much time on them and you know, it’s worth it. I will miss these, but I hope you will continue on with some other show OR do recaps of earlier episodes… okay, I’m just in denial of these recaps being over :( But anwyays, you’re awesome.
I just spent the last half hour jearsing at part III of the recap. Well done.
I waited until today to read ‘The End’ recaps just so I could extend the LOST ride a bit longer…but now it’s over and I will miss LOL’ing over Ack’s recaps almost as much as I will miss the show. Thanks for all of your hard work!
I AM GOING TO MISS THESE SO MUCH! long live the ack attack!
oh man, I nearly choked when you busted out The Smiths reference.
I think I’ll miss you most of all Ack. Thank you for your recaps.
“jack is the new jacob” i’d totally get that on a tshirt.
Thank-you so much.
I so wish I had known about this site a little earlier than, say, a month ago. Lost is a really amazing show, but yes, it deserves to be made fun of. We kid, because we love! Your finale recap was beyond perfect. I’ll have to start at the beginning (as good a place as any) to read the rest.
Lesley Knope, I mean, Rachel Ack for President!
Thank you so much for these recaps, Ack! I’ve never commented before but you’ve done such an awesome job all these years, and your work has made the experience of watching LOST that much richer for me and many others.
Ack,
I put off reading your recap until I couldn’t wait anymore! Thank you so much for taking your time to do these, They were the highlight of our LOST parties. I was an absolute mess after the show, and I almost started crying again after reading your recap. Your recap = perfection.
On another note: Please recap Fringe. As great as it is, it is too fantastical not to be AckAttacked. It needs a certain amount of snarkiness that I think only you could deliver. PLEASE????!!!!!
Ack….
This is The End…. :(
I’m going to miss your recaps…they were the highlights of my Monday morning.
See you in another life sis-ta!
Your humor is not my cup of tea. However, thank you for providing material that would temper the wait between episodes.
You started to diminish in quality when respectable amounts of your recaps were simply peppered with adaptations from the on-going posts. I would laugh myself silly in those. The content was more hysterical when in context, as opposed to being parsed out and captioned to your “original” recaps.
I did laugh at this line though: Would Jack just become one giant floating Jear cloud or what!?
Be well.
Thank you Ack for years of laughs and enjoyment i can’t believe it’s over, i’ve loved watching Lost then checking for the recap and having such a laugh at the jears and even catching some bits i’d missed.
Thank you again
*Slow clap*
When I die, I’m creating a construct with all the best funniez from teh interwebs in it.
Well, there will be a computer connected to the internet.
I’ll check limbowikipedia before going into the light, though. Who in their right mind would just walk into a light like that?!?! It’s moth behaviour!
Um, lost track there for a bit. Thanks for the recaps. They were almost the best thing about Lost. In the end, the TV show just beat you in the Best Thing About Lost Stakes.
Ack,
Thank you from the bottom of my mushy little heart for all the laughter, jears, & spewed liquid. I can’t help but think of your recaps when I think of LOST & I have often berated friends & family that have not visited your site & enjoyed your spot on humor. I always give a warning to pee first & to not be drinking or holding onto any liquids when reading. I wish you would do a book with all of the recaps & pics & all- it would be a great memento for all LOST fans. As to your next project, please, please, PLEASE do Fringe! I can only imagine how amusing your recaps about Walter & his drugs & food obsessions & cows & alternate worlds would be. Please, as a kindness to all of us who have lost our LOST start to attack the Fringe for us…
I am the eleventy millionth person to say it, but I will miss these recaps as much…no more than the show itself. Great work, best wishes to you! Thanks!