Lost Recap 6×17: The End Part I of III

May 30th, 2010 § 32 comments

Part I of the epic three part Lost Finale recap!

Click to read Part II
Click to read Part III


As if we needed reminding that this was The End, the first shot of the very last Lost was of a coffin! So symbolic! So sad! So very fitting considering this show started with Daddy Issues, and now it would end with them!

So we saw each character in both worlds – Cop Sawyer and Jungle Sawyer, Surgeon Jack and Jack-is-the-new-Jacob Jack, Teabag-Wielding Ben and Bullet-Wielding Ben, etc. etc.

Desmond: Bring out yer dead!
Allman Brothers Roadie: Here’s one.
Christian: I’m not dead.
Desmond: What?
Allman Brothers Roadie: He says he’s not dead.
Desmond: Yes he is.
Christian: I’m not.
Allman Brother Roadie: He isn’t.
Desmond: Yes, but the audience doesn’t know that yet so zip it, will ya?

Kate: Who died?
Desmond: It’s a man named Christian Shephard.
Kate: Srsly? Christian Shephard? Yikes.
Desmond: Look Kate, don’t get catty just because you’re like the only character on this show without symbolic name, okay?

Kate: You breaking me out of jail and giving me this dress has been great and all, but why am I here?
Desmond: No one can tell you why you’re here. *WINK*
Kate: What do you want?
Desmond: TO LEAVE, KATE.
Kate: When do you want it?
Desmond: NOW!

***

Back in the jungle, Jack is standing in the river of Jears he has produced over 6 seasons, practicing his God voice.

“And Jack said LET THERE BE LIGHT! No, no…ahem…THE LORD IS MY JACK SHEPHARD, I SHALL NOT WANT. Hmmm. I like that.”

Sawyer: Are you alright? Last night was weird.
Jack: Yeah, I’m fine. And totally not trying to turn this water into wine.

Jack tells Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley what the haps are – basically, There is a Light That Never Goes Out at the center of the island, and Smokey’s gonna try to turn it off – literally bringing them all to The Dark Side.

The only problem is that Jacob kind of gave the Cliff Notes version of how to protect the light, so Jack doesn’t really know how to do it.

“Jacob’s worse than Yoda. Let us down, he has. Stopped must Smokey be. On this all depends. Only a fully trained Jedi Knight with the Force as his ally…”

“Can it, Chewie. I’m gonna go and help the magically delicious leprechaun bust out of that well,” then he turns to Kate and he’s like, “Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?”

Kate: I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
Sawyer: I can arrange that. You could use a good kiss.
Jack: O RLY?

Hurley and all the Skaters: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

***

Back in the Sideways World, Team Purple Shirt makes a pit stop on their way to…wherever it is they’re going.

Hurley: Tranquilizer gun? Me and you in my Hummer, driving around? Ring any bells?
Sayid: You are crazy.
Hurley: Do I need to go find my “I Heart My Shih Tzu” shirt? Maybe you’ll flash on a dishwasher…hmmm…

It turns out they were there to pick up Charlie “My Guyliner is Not as Pretty as Richard’s” Pace for the concert. He was being amazingly douchey for someone who had like…one hit song. I wonder if the bassist from Marcy Playground was such a dick.

Anyway Hurley could care less because he was finally seeing his old BFF Charlie again, and he just wanted to hold him to his plentiful bosoms and talk about the good old days!

But Charlie didn’t remember anything, so Hurley’s all “Whoops, dart to your back!” and he knocks Charlie out, throws him into the back of his hummer, and drives off.

***

Kate: You don’t have to do this.
Jack: Have you ever met me, Kate? I’m the Fixiest Fixer that has ever Fixed. This is the most important fix of all. IT IS MY DESTINY TO FIX THIS, WOMAN!!! LET ME FIX THIS!!!!!!1!
Kate:
Jack: …let me do this and we can make out later.
Kate: Giggity.

***

Over at the well, Ben catches Sawyer and is like, “As long as you’re watching, why don’t you join us?” and a million terrible fanfics were born!

Sawyer: So I’m guessing you need Desmond to destroy the island, sound about right?
Smokey: Well look at that! You figured out my evil scheme! How’d you do that?
Sawyer: I figured out your complicated gizmos, that’s how.
Smokey: It only took the bears 2 hours. You Candidates are a little slow on the uptake.
Sawyer: We’re not Candidates anymore. BOO YA.

At that, Sawyer popped Ben “FML” Linus in the mouth (it wouldn’t be a Lost Finale without some Ben carnage, no?) and ran back to Team Blue Shirt’s hiding spot.

Ben: hhhWhy didn’t you stop him!?
Smokey: Why doesn’t a frog bump his ass when he hops?

Smokey: I don’t give a shit about those peons, I’m sinking this island and then IIIIII’MMMM SAAAAAILING AWAAAAAAY, SET AN OPEN COURSE FOR THE VIRGIN SEEEEEAAAA.
Ben: So you’re not promoting me to Assistant Regional Manager of the island like you promised?
Smokey: I’m dropping this island like it’s hot, so unless you want to get eaten by Ezra James Sharkington, I suggest you come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me.

***

Desmond wakes up at Mr. and Mrs. Thurston Howell III Rose and The Nard Dog’s awesome jungle bungalow! They were the ones who helped him out of the well!

Rose gives Desmond some breakfast and is like, “Look, not to be rude, but once you’re done eating, you’ve got to go. We don’t get involved. Damn kids, with your automatic weapons and your drama and your Discmen and your Friendster. Just let us get old and grow our hair in peace, will ya?”

But within minutes Smokey’s there on the scene, threatening to cut a bitch if Desmond doesn’t come with him right now! And he says he’s going to make it HURT, which the Dude CANNOT ABIDE.

Rose: This why we stay out of this, dammit. Save the drama for your mama, Locke!
Smokey: Talk to the hand cause the face don’t want to hear it!
Rose: VINCENT, HOLD MY WEAVE!
Bernard: OH SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
Desmond: OCH. Ah’ll come with yoo, brothah. But only if yoo promise to nevah, EVAH hurt one hair on Rose or Bernard’s equally shaggy heads!

So Rafiki grabs his walking stick and ventures out with Smokey and Ben.

Smokey: Betcha don’t know where we’re going!
Desmond: That glowy cave of wonders?
Smokey: How did you…but you can’t…D’oh!

***

And then Miles found Richard! Despite being thrown across Otherville like a sexy Cuban rag doll, he seems alright, albeit a little confused.

Miles: Are you okay, bro?
Richard: TV and Film’s Ken Leung? Wow! I loved you in Keeping the Faith.
Miles: I think you hit your head pretty hard.
Richard: omg is my manscara smudged!?

They decide to go on with the blow-up-the-plane plan, since they really don’t have much else going on at the moment.

***

Meanwhile, Sideways Miles just happens to see Sayid out joyriding with Hurley, and as he just arrested him yesterday, he figures something’s up. He calls Detective Ford back at the office, who’s wearing some absolutely hilarious eye wear and “investigating” the answer to 6 Across.

“Go find Sun Paik and make sure that Iraqi dude with the Soul Glo doesn’t go after her again!”

***

Speaking of Sun Paik, she’s in the hospital recovering from being shot, and Jin’s already planning to run away from her stupid assface of a father.

Then Dr. Juliet Burke Linus Ford Shephard CARLSON walks into the room, all the Juliet fangirls freak out, and then she makes a point of noting Sun and Jin can’t speak English, yet continues speaking to them in English anyway!

So she starts giving Sun an ultrasound to check on the BAY-BEE, and as soon as she feels it, Sun flashes on that time Juliet pretended to help her but really was secretly gathering data for Benry!

But apparently Sun didn’t remember it that way, and she started crying and saying that she remembered!

And then Jin saw the BAY-BEE on the monitor, and HE started getting flashes too! And he remembered all the various times him and Sun ran towards each other in slow motion after being apart for weeks/months/years at a time! And then together they remembered Jin being left behind on the freighter, and drowing ala Jack and Rose ;_;

Conveniently they didn’t remember Jin forcing Sun to button her sweater, or that guy she was cheating on Jin with, or Jin being a hit man for her father, or that time Sun paid off Jin’s hooker mother, or all the mean shit he did to her on the island.

But it’s okay because it was so sad and cute and I mean GOD imagine remembering yourself drowning to the sad tinkly piano music! ;_;

Anyway, Sun and Jin could now magically speak non-accented English, and while Juliet was slightly taken aback by the sudden change in their speech, she was more worried that Sun might remember that time she bitch-slapped Juliet on the island, so she quickly excused herself and ran down the hall.

***

So Locke’s awaiting his surgery with a hair net despite his complete lack of hair!

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Listen John, did you have anything you wanted to say before your surgery, or…”

Locke: Uh, yes – try not to kill me, will ya?
Lost Writers: Hint hint.
Locke: And I hope them finding your father’s body can bring you peace.
Lost Writers: HINT HINT.
Jack: Alright then. See you on the other side.
Lost Writers: HINT!

***

Meanwhile, Miles and Richard are getting ready to go to Hydra Island when Miles finds Richard’s very first gray hair!!!!

Richard: YES! I never thought I’d be able to say this! I’M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!!!
Miles: Congrats!
Richard: I’m going to need to pick up some Just For Men on the way back to civilization, btw.

So they’re canoe-dling along the channel between islands when they hear this muffled screaming, and we’re all like, “OH LOST, OH NO YOU DIH-INT.”

FRANK!!!!!! LAPIDUS!!!!!!!! IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!

“I’m LaPenis. I’m your fire, and your desire.”

So basically Frank gets on the sexy canoe and tells Team Gray Hair Shirt that there’s no sense in blowing up the plane when he could, ya know, FLY IT HOME.

***

Then Smokey, Ben, and Desmond just happen to come across Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley, and we’re okay with it (because it wouldn’t be a Lost finale if the two separate groups didn’t meet up on this slanty hill to talk close to each other’s faces, no?).

Kate, who hasn’t done anything cool or badass in months, grabs a rifle and becomes the first gunman on the grassy knoll! It’s just too bad Smokey’s inside his invisible magic bulletproof Popemobile!

Locke: Wow, so you’re the new Island Bodyguard, huh? Kind of an obvious choice, don’t ya think?
Jack: I volunteered for this job. Me? Getting to save the entire world? This is like catnip to me. I go crazy for this shit.

Locke: That’s so gay. You know how I know you’re gay?
Jack: How? How do you know I’m gay?
Locke: Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Jack: You know how I know that you’re gay?
Locke: How?

Jack: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
Locke: You know how I know you’re gay?
Jack: How?
Locke: You have a rainbow bumper stick on your car that says, “I love it when balls are in my face.”
Jack: That’s gay!?

“Enough of these pleasantries, Smoke Man. It’s time for our ménage à trois with this Island’s Glowy Vagina.”

Locke: And then?
Jack: No “and then.”

***

After bumping into each other at the nurse’s station and doing the “Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor” thing, we finally find out that JULIET CARLSON IS THE MOTHER!!!!!!!!!! (*cue awesome dancing*)

David: Golly gee willikers Mom and Dad, you two sure are special to me.
Juliet: Father, don’t we have such a wonderful son?
Jack: And how, Mother. It’s almost as if he was too perfect to be true!
Lost Writers: *clear throats*

And then Juliet and Sawyer crossed paths for the first time and didn’t flash on each other, which gave us poor Skaters hope, but not for long.

***

Sawyer: Look, Doc. What Kate Does is her own business, and I know we have to make sense of What They Died For, but Dead is Dead.
Jack: Desmond…I think he is The Constant. He should have been Confirmed Dead after what Widmore did to him, but I think he’s Special.
Sawyer: This will be The Beginning of the End. It’s only The Shape of Things to Come! I know I’m supposed to just Follow the Leader, but There’s No Place Like Home. I’d rather just leave and live Happily Ever After. This Place is Death, Jack.

Jack: Desmond is One of Us, and if he’s telling The Whole Truth, if I Do nothing, at Sundown that monster is going to go Across the Sea. While dangerous, The Incident will be for The Greater Good, trust me. It’s The Cost of Living.
Sawyer: That’s a hell of a Long Con, Doc. I’d rather it be Every Man for Himself, but I’ll Follow the Leader. Namaste, Jack.
Jack: …Jughead.

So anyway, they get to the bamboo field where the glowy cave is, and Smokey decides that only the island VIPs are allowed to go. As Jack is walking away, Hurley’s like, “I believe in you, dude,” which is freaking adorable (and for once, we feel like we might actually believe in Jack too).

Desmond tells Jack that while he’s being very noble and all, none of this matters! There’s this Super Mega Happy place where you can hang out with your loved ones and never think about this island again!

That is, unless you actually flash on said loved ones, in which case you DO remember the island, but that’s neither here nor there.

Jack tells Desmond that there are no do-overs, no shortcuts, and ALL of this matters!

Super Crazy Lost Fans: So I’m guessing the Sideways World will not be the end-all for the show…
Your Everyday Lost Fans: I am enjoying this finale so far.
The n00b Lost fans: I totally bet this is purgatory, you guys.

So it was time. Time for Desmond to find the clitoris.

***

So Sayid and Hurley are sitting in some Sideways back alley, and Sayid’s wondering just what the hell they are doing there.

Hurley: You’ll understand soon enough.
Sayid: Well, that would like, assume that anyone actually tells me anything. Maybe if I were in the loop I could be more helpful.
Hurley: There is no loop, Sayid.

Our big squishy marshmallow Hurley was trying to talk Sayid up a bit when Action Sayid saw some thug pushing a lady around in the alley! So he strapped on his Torcha Scrunchie and went to use his Masters from the Jack Bauer Institute for Pwnage one last time!!!!

When the damsel in distress turned around, it was Shannon!!!!!!!!!!! And even though Sayid spent his whole life in love with Nadia and like 1 month with Shannon we didn’t even care!!!!!!!

They both flashed on each other right away! And it was all making out by bonfires and translating maps! Conveniently they didn’t remember that time Ana-Lucia shot Shannon, or when Shannon tried to get Sayid to kill Locke, or all of Sayid’s torcha or Shannon’s bitching!

And Boone showed up, as ridiculously good looking as ever! His own flash must not have been about Shannon (let’s face it, he probably flashed on some pens) because he was fine to sit with Hurley and watch her have a scoop of delicious Iraqi Road ice cream.

Woo! Bygones!

***

After arriving at Hydra Island, Miles barely has enough time to tell the others that they’re flying off the island when Crazy Claire shows up, guns blazing! She tells them she doesn’t want to leave in the whiniest way possible, but Richard thinks he knows what the problem is…

“Look, Claire. Leave-in conditioner, some exfoliating cleanser, and a little lip gloss can go a long way. I’m Bringing Sexy Back, one castaway at a time.”

***

So they’re lowering Desmond down into the glowy light, and Jack’s making some awesome faces, and Smokey’s trying to get Jack to reminisce about the old days with the real Locke!

Smokey: Let’s have that same fight we always used to have!
Jack: No.
Smokey: Come on, guy! I’m a man of faith! Let’s talk destiny! Backgammon and orange peels and knives and shit!
Jack: I said NO!
Smokey: Geez, throw me a frickin’ bone here.

Jack totally called Smokey out for being a poseur! And Desmond got down to the bottom of the waterfall, turned on a Mama Cass record, and the camera panned sloooooowly down the cave, just like when they first blew open the hatch.

It. Was. Awesome.

Click to read Part II
Click to read Part III

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§ 32 Responses to Lost Recap 6×17: The End Part I of III"

  • [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Michelle, Rachel Ack. Rachel Ack said: #Lost Finale Recap!!! http://bit.ly/aVOwjj [...]

  • Anonymous says:

    I don’t know if you’re in the MN area, but damn those thunderstorm warnings were ANNNNOOOOYYYYINNNNNGG!

    love the recap!!! so awesome!

    Iraqi Road ice cream lol!

  • Esti says:

    Locke’s awaiting his surgery with a hair net despite his complete lack of hair!

    lol

  • tbirdy says:

    and a million terrible fanfics were born!

    I can imagine them now, and I’m sore afraid.

  • Emilie says:

    “Back in the jungle, Jack is standing in the river of Jears he has produced over 6 seasons” – love it.

  • I just laughed for like a minute at Locke in a hair net. the great mystery of Lost!

    Not that I want to be serious or anything, but I think everyone did remember bad stuff as well as good stuff in their ‘flashes’ but now they could see the whole picture and let go of their lives they didn’t worry or feel sad about any of it any more, because they were past all that. Which is actually a bit of a creepy thought for me but works for an afterlife I suppose.

  • paranoid android says:

    YAY episode title dialog! And Jack calling Sawyer “Jughead” is the most awesomest moment of awesome ever!

  • Hey!T says:

    Vincent, hold my weave! gets me EVERY TIME XD

  • Rosie Posie says:

    And then Miles found Richard! Despite being thrown across Otherville like a sexy Cuban rag doll, he seems alright, albeit a little confused.

    Sexy Cuban ragdoll just makes me laugh and laugh…

  • Tamara says:

    The Ack Attack has been my Sunday evening Lost ritual for over 3 years. I feel like a good friend is leaving me, losing both Lost and Ack Attack in one week. It’s ridiculous how sad I feel. Thank you thank you thank you for the laughs I’ve shared reading your recaps aloud to my teenagers and my husband. I’ve even googled some of your lines to figure out which movie or tv show they’ve come from (I don’t have as amazing of a pop culture memory as you do!) I will keep coming back to read what you have up your sleeve. I’m sure the next chapter of Ack will be delightful and ingenious too!

  • jewels says:

    Awesome! The return of Jack/Locke silent screens and the n00b Lost fans! Still funny! …On to more laughs in Part II!

  • Molly says:

    According to those severe thunderstorm warnings, these caps are from MY LOCAL ABC STATION… And for some reason, that makes me weirdly ecstatic…

    Also? That episode title conversation made me lol for real.

  • LostTeaParty says:

    Oh Ack, you are da bomb! I kinda don’t want to read on b/c then it will be over *sobs* but I can’t stop myself; and besides I must find out what Des does with that golden opportunity. Thanks for the lolz, so much to love here! Go team sexy canoe!!!

  • Trendolyn says:

    I like Christian Shephard in a coffin, in an Oceanic container. It reminds me of the SNL video with JT. “Dick In A Box.”

  • goheels83 says:

    Ack YESSSS – I haven’t even started reading part I yet but just had to let you know that seeing your recap up has made my weekend. I have been checking your website every few hours for the past few days – ok now off to read!!!!!!! You are such a badass. :):)

  • Mary says:

    Desmond: Look Kate, don’t get catty just because you’re
    like the only character on this show without symbolic name, okay?

    Back in the jungle, Jack is standing in the river of Jears
    he has produced over 6 seasons, practicing his God voice.

    Charlie “My Guyliner is Not as Pretty as Richard’s” Pace
    Screw Merry,that´s my new nickname for Dominic

    Over at the well, Ben catches Sawyer and is like,
    “As long as you’re watching, why don’t you join us?”
    and a million terrible fanfics were born!

    The n00b Lost fans: I totally bet this is purgatory, you guys.

    I missed that.A lot…

  • goheels83 says:

    my favorites from Part I of the recap:

    “Back in the jungle, Jack is standing in the river of Jears he has produced over 6 seasons, practicing his God voice.”

    Ben as Assistant Regional Manager.

    Just spit out my pizza at Ken Leung in Keeping the Faith. Srsly DYING over here.

    “Conveniently they didn’t remember Jin forcing Sun to button her sweater, or that guy she was cheating on Jin with, or Jin being a hit man for her father, or that time Sun paid off Jin’s hooker mother, or all the mean shit he did to her on the island.” I know, right??

    “Kate, who hasn’t done anything cool or badass in months, grabs a rifle and becomes the first gunman on the grassy knoll!” lmao at the gunman on the grassy knoll!

    “And Boone showed up, as ridiculously good looking as ever! His own flash must not have been about Shannon (let’s face it, he probably flashed on some pens) because he was fine to sit with Hurley and watch her have a scoop of delicious Iraqi Road ice cream.” All of this…ridiculously good looking…flashing on pens…Iraqi Road ice cream…genius, Ack, genius.

  • Princess says:

    Yay! More Monty Python references! “Bring out your dead!” And the Allman Brothers roadie, lol.

  • Guillermina says:

    It. Was. Awesome.

    This pretty much sums my opinion on the whole finale.

    The n00b Lost fans: I totally bet this is purgatory, you guys.

    LOL I c what ur doin thar :D

  • SON OF CLOWN says:

    “The Lord is my Jack Shephard, I shall not want. Hmmm, I like that.”

    “I’m the Fixiest Fiser that has ever Fixed.”

    Ahhh, Jack.

  • jewel says:

    sofa king awesome as usual!!
    will miss this sooooo much :(

  • Lauren M says:

    Seeing Ken Leung in Keeping the Faith MADE MY FUCKING NIGHT

    The Jack/Locke face icons and the episode title dialouge, I will miss them both terribly.

  • Katznjeep says:

    I live in Mpls area too, and let me tell you, I was srsly praying they wouldn’t break into programming for the weather!

    I luv you ACK! I will miss your awesomeness on the recaps. I will just have to catch you on LJ!

  • Cecil Rose says:

    I see there’s the same law where you are as here in North Carolina – there shall be no finale without a line of thunderstorms crossing the area, and seriously annoying warnings about fricking RAIN!.

  • JS - Joanne says:

    love it. reading slowly. savoring.

  • lafleur says:

    oh its all so amazing:) and HAHAHAHA THAT SUCKS FOR YOU GUYS! u had to watch/listen to thunderstorm warnings! ahahaha!

  • jen says:

    The only highlight of Monday mornings is reading your recaps. I envy your pop culture knowledge.

  • Flaknitter01 says:

    Lapidus + Bananarama = YAY ACK!!!!

  • Kiersten says:

    “And Jack said LET THERE BE LIGHT! No, no…ahem…THE LORD IS MY JACK SHEPHARD, I SHALL NOT WANT. Hmmm. I like that.”

    So freakin’ hilarious!

    And yeah, go n00bs!

  • katesawjack says:

    Thank you for all the times you made us laugh by putting your own hilarious spin on Lost!!! I will miss reading these recaps… and all of your brilliant writing about the episodes !

  • Justina says:

    “She tells them she doesn’t want to leave in the whiniest way possible, but Richard thinks he knows what the problem is…’Look, Claire. Leave-in conditioner, some exfoliating cleanser, and a little lip gloss can go a long way. I’m Bringing Sexy Back, one castaway at a time.’”

    You’re so awesome, Ack!

  • slyfox says:

    just got to watch the finale yesterday, june 8. yes, two weeks late. definitely the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. childbirth, big permed 80s hair, sitting thru four college graduations last week, none of that compared to the pain of having to wait to watch the greatest show ever while the rest of the world had already been there done that. i.bawled.like.a.baby. ack, you have provided so much laughter for so many – ‘thanks’ isn’t enuf. how you remember so much pop culture and work it all together to produce a freakin hilarious column every week is beyond me! you are a true gem and a true talent, stay the way you are and you’ll go far!

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