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Ode to Samuel T. Anders

June 10th, 2007 § 2


When we first met Samuel T. Anders, he was hanging out on Caprica in the woods.

And he also happened to be shooting at Starbuck and Helo.

Because he was sure they were toasters.

But Starbuck was under the impression that Anders & Co were toasters too. That is, until she got a good look at him.

“Not bad!”

It turned out Anders was a famous Pyramid player!

A really HOT Pyramid player whose hobbies include sleeveless shirts, big guns, leading Rebel Alliances, and drinking heavily!

So he decided to show Helo and Starbuck his Rebel Force’s secret lair.

Sans sleeves.

And then him and Starbuck had a little one-on-one action on the Pyramid court. Kara was good…

But Anders was better.

Now usually Starbuck has kind of a thing going with Apollo…

But she decided to talk really close to someone else’s face for a while.

So in signature BSG form, they immediately shacked up!

And Anders immediately proved he was The Best Guy Ever! Because he was like “We need your help, stay!”

And Starbuck was like *HISS* I’ll come get you later! And he asked her if she was always such a bitch, and she said “Of course!” which would usually mean the dude would split, but Anders actually said…

That’s my kind of woman!

And then he said “You gotta lighten up a little bit. It’s only the end of the world!” &hearts

And Starbuck was v. impressed.

So then later that day Starbuck gets kidnapped by some Cylons, and Helo and Anders need to save her.

And Helo’s like “I’ve been thinking…maybe me and you should form a team…”

And Anders is like “Dude, I have a team, okay? They’re called the Caprica Buccaneers.” And Helo said “No no, I mean Team…Sexy.”

And while Anders is wielding his huge gun he’s like “What would I have to do? Just stand next to you and look hot? I don’t know man…oh, okay.”

And then Helo said, “Seeee? TEAM SEXY FTW!” and they high fived.

And then Team Sexy saved Kara’s life!

Saving Kara’s life would become a hobby of Sam’s, but he didn’t know that yet.

So later, to prove again that he is The Best Guy Ever, Sam meets Eight, and he’s a bit taken aback because ya know, she’s a toaster and all.

And the fact that she’s helping them hurts his brain a little bit.

But right now he’s just worried about saying goodbye to Starbuck.

And even though she’s only known him for a little while, his sleeveless biceps and perfect teeth have won her over.

So Starbuck promises to come back and save him, and he’s all like, “ILU BB”

And they are adorable together.

And her little heart is breaking, but she leaves him there holding her dogtags.

And flies away. Poor Anders!!

So a bunch of time passes, and Anders keeps himself busy by doing what he does best: blowing shit up and leading the Rebel Alliance.

For a while he hangs out with this bitchy redheaded chick, but no one really cares about her.

And at one point Anders blows up a building and gets stuck in the basement with Six and Eight!

So of course he gets his big gun and wants to blow them up.

But then they let him go, and he starts to think “Gee, maybe Cylons aren’t all bad!” (Which is good considering he IS a Cylon! LOL who knew!?)

Starbuck gets sidetracked for a while with almost assasinating that bitch from Pegasus and all that fun stuff. But then she finally goes back to Caprica to save Anders, and guess who volunteered to go with her? Helo! He wanted to reunite the Team.

And when she finally finds him and his people, he’s like “I thought you only used me for sex!”

And she’s like, “Well I did, but I also kind of like you!!” And we all said “Awwww.”

So of course Anders was busy fighting the toasters as usual, so they fought them and escaped and headed back to Galactica.

And Starbuck couldn’t be happier!!

And Sam was just like “All right all right!!! I want to meet that friend of yours! You know, that guy named Lee!” And Starbuck was like “Uhhh…”

So Kara and Sam hung out a lot, and it was obvious that they were like two peas in a pod. Luckily Anders had also found himself a sleeveless shirt and some booze!

And Starbuck was just like “JUST LOOK AT THOSE ARMS!!!!”

And Anders was just like “I AM CHARMING!”

And Lee wanted to hang out too, but they were too busy with their PDA to notice the tiny man watching them.

But then at the last minute Starbuck was like, “Hey Lee come back for a sec, I want to make you insanely jealous using middle school tactics!!”

So then BSG magically skips forward a year into the future, when everyone settled on New Caprica! Luckily Anders found a sweatshirt with no sleeves and wore it all the time despite the fact that it’s kind of cold there!

Oh and btw, he married Kara! :O But then Leoben steals Kara and Anders decides to head for the hills.

And he finds Athena there and he hugs her because he is Anders and Anders is The Best Guy Ever!

And doing what he does best, he starts conspiring against the government with Chief and Patchy Tigh!

And then they blow some shit up!

And then he informs Tigh that he’s got to off his wife because she’s a traitor!

New Caprica just never seems to get warm, so Anders finds himself a hat instead of sleeves!

And as the leader of the Rebels he sends Duck to his death, but gives him a hug first because Anders is The Best Guy Ever.

So now it’s finally time! The Rebels have gathered their forces and it’s time to strike! And Anders says “I’m not leaving without Kara!!”

So him and one of his minions grab their big guns!

And blow shit up while showing off Sam’s newly tattooed biceps!

And then he finds Kara and he saves her life again!!

And it’s all kinds of adorable. And she’s like “BTW I have a baby!” and he’s like “I totally support that!” because he is Anders and Anders is perfect!

And he knows the only way to escape Leoben’s evil clutches is with his big gun!!

So everyone’s finally back on Galactica, and Sam thinks everything will be peachy keen from now on.

But of course the second they’re home, Starbuck starts doing him and then ditching him! But he is understanding because he is The Best Guy Ever!

He starts hanging out with the Rebels again. Luckily they have found him some new sleeveless shirts!

So Starbuck takes him aside and she’s like, “Look, I only wanted you when I thought my life was pretty much over. You understand, right?”

And he’s like, “Of course I understand!”

“Give me a hug, you!”

But then of course some time passes and Starbuck’s up to her old habits again.

She only wants Anders for his body! (But really, who can blame her?)

And she’s even a bitch about it!

But since Sam is a sensitive, caring guy, he lets her do it. But not in a whiny way. He’s like, “Whatever, dude.”

So then we get this awesome New Caprica flashback! And you can just see that Kara and Sam are the cutest thing ever together.

I mean, just look at them!!

And Anders partakes in one of his favorite hobbies with Colonel Tigh, who is an Alcohol Expert!

So she’s like “Hey honey” and he’s like “Hey baby” and she’s like “Just look at me in a cute way so we make Lee jealous mmkay?” And he’s like “Yes.”

But then Anders gets SUPER drunk and Kara literally drinks him under the table! He’s so drunk, in fact, that he doesn’t notice when Kara and Lee go hump in a field.

And back on Galactica, Dee’s like “I’m going to kill that bitch” and Anders is like “You know, Lee’s an alright guy!”

So then the next morning Starbuck wakes up and runs to Anders and proposes! And Anders is like, “You had me at GET THE FRAK OUT OF BED!”

And then Lee makes the funniest face ever, and Anders is like “Congratulate me, I just got hitched!” and Lee is like :( and Anders is like, “I’m so understanding that I’ll let you two have some time to go over this!”

A bit later, Anders is on that planet with Chief and Lee and they’re mining or something. Luckily this planet is v. hot, which means Anders is not only sleeveless, but he’s also dirty and sweaty!

And there’s some tension between Apollo and Anders, and this all makes Anders very sweaty.

And Starbuck just keeps finding herself in a Hot Arms Sandwich.

But of course Anders isn’t too happy about this because that’s his wife and all.

So the boys need to talk about it in a shiny, sleeveless fashion.

And in the end Anders wins because he is at least a foot taller than Lee.

Even though Lee tried to push him around a little. And I DO mean little.

But then eventually people start pulling guns, and for once it’s not Anders.

So for now they agree to disagree.

And after smearing themselves with dirt and making sure their hair was carefully dishevelled, they go on a rescue mission to save Kara’s life. Again.

They actually make a pretty good team. Especially when covered in dirt.

Michael Trucco’s arms are so hot they are frakking GLOWING.

So the thing is, they couldn’t rescue Kara, and Anders is v. emo while waiting to see if she’s going to make it home alright.

But she does make it back okay, and she gives him a big hug and she’s like “I promise never to cheat on you again. Until tomorrow. Okay until tonight.”

So then of course after things have settled down, Kara is feeling restless again. And she’s like “I only use you for sex, you know this, right?”

And Anders is like “Yeah, I know, and I understand. It’s because of all the horrible things Leoben did to you on New Caprica. I’m here to support you through this tough time!” proving once again that he really is The Best Guy Ever.

And they are super cute, albeit totally dysfunctional.

And whether or not he ever admits it to anyone, Starbuck constantly screwing him over hurts his feelings. In a manly, sleeveless way.

But eventually Kara thinks maybe she’ll forget about Lee and try and stick with Sam for a while. I mean they do have matching tattoos, after all.

And he doesn’t act all bitchy that she keeps changing her mind, he just rolls with it!

And then they partake in their favorite hobby as a couple.

So later on Starbuck gets kind of freaked out and thinks she might be “The Chosen One.” And instead of questioning her and calling her nuts, Anders tells her that maybe she really is!

But little does he know that this means she has to sacrifice herself! And she dies. For now.

So Sam is v. upset. And so he gets super super drunk because that’s what he liked to do with Starbuck.

And Lee is totally emo about the whole situation too, but he tries to help Anders!

And he’s like “I think I fell.”

And then he cries manly drunk tears and we were all like OMFG AWWWWWWWWWWWW!!

And everyone who wasn’t already in love with Anders fell in love with him too.

By the end of the episode, Anders and Lee are all BFF, and it’s good because we all know that’s how Starbuck would have wanted it. You know, if she was actually dead.

And Anders thinks he might be alright.

But then he keeps hearing this song on the radio!

And between that and Kara dying, he’s super distraught.

Luckily he has Tory to use for pity sex. *barfs*

But even I-think-my-wife’s-dead-sex with Tory can’t help the fact that he keeps hearing weird music all over the Galactica.

And finally he follows it and it turns out HE’S A FRAKKING CYLON!

And we’re all like WOT!? And he’s like WOT!? And then we realize this is why his arms are so perfect. Robot arms.

So he isn’t too pleased with this latest findings. He doesn’t want to believe it!

He’s almost as sad as Colonel Tigh about it, but really, Saul is the saddest of them all. Just look at that punim!

But in the end, Anders once again proves his title as Best Guy Ever and him and Chief decide to go and fight for the people they love!

Fine.

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§ 2 Responses to “Ode to Samuel T. Anders”

  • Fry says:

    Sleeve are a crime against all that is good and holy. DAMN FINE.

    GUH. BSG is a better place because of his fine ass.

    This epic pic spam: OLYMPIC WIN.

  • Marti says:

    *Just look at that punim.*

    Okay, that made me snarf. Awesome. Ever since I realized how thick Tighs’ Canadian accent is I can’t even watch him without smiling.

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