Will break your dial-up.
“Okay, guys. Let’s practice our story one last time, mmkay?”
*ahem* “In West Philadelphia, born and raised…”
“On a playground is where I spent most of my days…”
“Chillin’ out, maxin, relaxin, all cool…”
“…and shooting some b-ball outside of the school?”
Okay so then everyone got off the plane!!! And all the parents were like a;dsljf;sdlkjfsldk and we were all like ;alksjfal;kjsdlkfjs
And it made US so happy to see THEM so happy!!!
And Jack and his mom were SO happy that they started making out!
Now back in the jungle, Jack’s like, “I HAVE TO GO SAVE EVERYONE! EVERYONE! ALL THE TIME! I AM A NONSTOP SAVING PEOPLE MACHINE! ALL WILL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!”
“Hey asshole? I just had my hands in your guts like 24 hours ago, why don’t you sit down and let someone else do the saving for like 3 seconds?”
“You know what? Just…DIAF.”
The next day Kate’s like, “Uhhh…Jack? Your…insides….are on your…outsides…”
“Oh, right, I’m just uh…seeping. No worries. Let’s go save some babies from burning buildings and shit!”
And then Sawyer showed up and he was like “I just saved this baby from a shower of gunfire!”
“Srsly, I rescued the kid while being shot at, right after I pulled his mother from a burning building!” and all the female viewers were like ;laksjdf;lkasjd;lkfsd OMFG
“Dammit Sawyer, why are always UPSTAGING ME!? I AM THE HERO, HERE!” and then the hero comes aloooong, with the strength to carry oonnnnn…
“Zip it, Pavoratti! It’s time for some thrilling heroics!”
“So as you can see, *points* this is clearly when they yelled to the cabby Yo, homes smell you later.”
“Miss Austen, How do you explain the sudden, dramatic physical change Aunt Viv underwent?”
“And what about DJ Jazzy Jeff?! Why did he never earn that respect he was always striving for?”
“You leave Jazzy out of this.”
So anyway after this press conference in which all this TRUTHINESS was flying around, Nadia was all HI OMG and Sayid was all HI OMG and it was super cute, albeit it totally awkward, although kind of sad because we know she’s like…ya know. DEAD. ;_;
Meanwhile on the island, Action Sayid is letting the wind whip through his hair and somehow making that little crappy dinghy he’s in seem hot.
“Mmm, yes, season finale. Must mean I’m here to save everyone. As usual.”
“But Jack just ran into the jungle to save everyone!”
“Look, Juliet. You seem like a nice woman. But as you are a new kid on the block, let me just explain: Every finale, we let Jack think he’s off saving everyone, but while he goes off and fraks everything up, I actually come in and get it done. Big Time.”
Meanwhile Ben is all *flaily Muppet hands/flashy mirror*
“Dude, what are you doing?”
“I think he just told Richard to steal second base.”
Back in THA FEW-CHAH, Sun’s all “Papa, DON’T PREACH.”
And her dad is all “THIS IS MY SURPRISED FACE. I KNOW IT RESEMBLES MY HAPPY/SAD/ANGRY/SYMPATHETIC/ETC. FACE, BUT BELIEVE YOU ME, I AM SHOCKED BY THESE RECENT DEVELOPMENTS.” :O
“What do you mean, I have to respect you now!?”
“Did I STUTTER!?”
And then Hurley had a birthday party! And Jesus was there!
And Sayid auditioned to be a Sears Catalog model!
And then Cheech gave Hurley that old car and the numbers are all LOLOL REMEMBER US!? WE WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS, BITCHES!
Meanwhile on Sayid’s Sex Dinghy, Jin’s like, “Elephant shoes.”
And Sun’s way into it.
And back on the island Jack And Sawyer run into La Penis by the choppa, and Sawyer’s like, “Wot’s all this then? And who the hell are you?”
And La Penis is like, “I’m the Dude. So that’s what you call me. That or His Dudeness… Duder… or El Duderino, if, you know, you’re not into the whole brevity thing…”
“I know we’re here today to talk about my dear old dad…”
“…but honestly, he was a self-involved asshole with substance abuse problems, so we might as well be talking about me.”
*45 minutes of Jack whining about how much his father ruined his life*
“…so, to conclude, no. It’s not possible for me to stick my head any further up my own ass. Amen.”
After the “memorial” this blond chick comes up to Jack and she’s like, “You were Claire’s brothah…from anothah mothah…”
“I am Jack’s complete
lack of surprise.”
Then on the freighter, Desmond’s all, “TROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE DUNGEON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” except it wasn’t a troll, it was a buttload of explosives!
And then in the jungle Sayid runs into Richard and he’s like “GIVE ME ONE REASON NOT TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW!”
And Richard’s like, “I’ve…got…POMADE!!!”
“..fair enough!” *hands over gun*
And then Keamy swings by and he’s all “Bullet in the brainpan! SQUISH!”
So when we last left Jack and Kate on that runway Jack was all “we have to go back” and Kate was all “nope” and then she gets in her car and drives away…but as we soon find out, Kate did not go gentle into that good night.
She came back to RAGE, RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT! [/book nerd reference]
Jack’s standing there with his Beardwig and he’s like, “…you look like a Dementor when you do that.”
*SUCKS OUT SOUL*
“Uh…you’re freaking me out.”
“If you think I’m gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we’re broken up, you’re in for some serious fucking disappointment.”
“I am Jack’s inflamed sense of rejection.”
On the freighter Desmond and his posse are checking out this GIANT BOMB and he’s like “OCH BROTHAH…uhhhh…WHO’S DA BOOM KING?!”
“I’m da boom king.”
And Indy’s like…
“Hey Jack, let’s have that fight we always have!”
“Fighting isn’t logical! Science! Logic! Blah!”
“Hey Keamy…how’s that buttfor workin’ out for you?”
“What’s a buttfor?”
“…for pooping, silly.”
So then Keamy’s all “WATCHA GONNA DO WHEN HULKAMANIA DESTROYS YOU, BROTHER!?” and Sayid’s like, “WARNING: ASSHOLES ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR! NOW SUFFER MY WRATH.”
And while no one’s neck was broken via FEET, it was pretty effing badass.
Richard shot Keamy, and then he was dead.
But dead in a Patchy way, not in a Boone way. If you know what I mean.
And then Taller Ghost Walt goes and visits Hurley in the looney bin, and he’s like, “You’re lying to protect people like my dad, right? Because he’s okay, right?? He didn’t like…blow up in a boat or anything, RIGHT!?”
And Hurley’s just like, “…yeahhhh.”
Meanwhile, the Great Debate rages on…
“Fine then, go!”
“But I am!”
“…lol fine then, but you’re gonna be sorrrryyyyy.” *evil laugh*
“If you two are done verbally copulating I’d like to get my ass down into the Orchid. Thanks.”
“Psh…I wasn’t…you were the one…psh…”
Meanwhile on the freighter…
“Oh, Mye-tool! I’ve got a bun in the oven!”
“I got to smile once this season! Awesome!”
“Get your hands off my nuts.”
“But they are salty and oh so delicious!”
Meanwhile, in the Orchid…
“Now, remember what the doormouse said. Feed your head. Feed your heeead.”
And Locke’s like, “Did I take a shitload of acid and then forget about it? I must be tripping my balls off!”
Ben: It’s alll happening.
Locke: Your aura! It’s purple!
And then everyone finally got off the island!!!! ;lkzsjdf;lkasjdfklds
And then Ben stabbed Keamy in the neck with a pen, ala Felix Gaeta!!!
And Locke was like, “I think you might regret that….”
But Ben, whose face looked like a combination butcher shop floor/Jackson Pollack painting, was like, “Do I look like a motherfuckin’ role model? To a kid lookin’ up to me, life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money.”
So then back on the choppa Jack is all “I WILL SAVE THESE PEOPLE, GOD DAMMIT! I AM THE HERO! I AM THE LEADER! I AM…”
And Hurley’s like, “UH, GUYS? WE’VE GOT A GAS PROBLEM, AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THOSE DHARMA BURRITOS I ATE LAST NIGHT.”
So then Sawyer whispers some sweet nothings into Kate’s ear…
And kisses her the way every girl hopes to be kissed at least ONCE in her freaking life…(I’m currently taking applications for big damn heroes, just FYI)
And he SMILES at her, all Han Sawyer and shit, and Kate’s all, “I love you” and he’s all, “I KNOW.”
…aaaaand jumps out of the choppa, and he’s all ‘I REGRET NOTHIIIIIIIIIIIING!” *comedic splashy noise, followed by a WAH WAH WAHHHHHH*
“…I WILL SAVE THESE PEOPLE, IF IT’S THE LAST THING I…DAMMIT SAWYER! ALWAYS WITH THE STEALING OF THE THUNDER! GUH!”
So back in LA, Sayid has apparently been reunited with Nadia AND his flat iron. He goes to visit Hurley in the Cuckoo’s Nest.
But Hurley’s too busy playing chess with the ghosts of African drug lords to really care.
So La Penis is trying to land the choppa on the freighter, but now Desmond knows that bomb’s about to explode at any moment…
“AHHHH DOOOO NAWWWT WAAAAANT, BROTHAH!!!! STEHHHH AWEHHHH!” BUT THEY LAND ANYWAY!!!
And’s Jin’s all “ME HELP?” and Michael’s like, “DUDE NO, YOU’RE A DADDY NOW! DON’T BE A TOTALLY SHIT FATHER LIKE I WAS!”
So Jin like RUNS OUT ONTO THE FREIGHTER AND HE’S GOING “MY DARLING! MY DARLING!” AND WE’RE ALL HAVING LIKE HEART ATTACKS AND SUN WAS LIKE “JIN OMG” AND JACK WAS ALL, “NO HOP-ONS!!!”
AND US/SUN WERE LIKE :O
AND THEN CHRISTIAN SHOWS UP AND HE’S LIKE *channels Donald Trump* “YOU’RE FIRED!”
AND MICHAEL’S LIKE, “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT…oh…wait…WOT!??”
“Nope, not Walt. I’m just an ILLUSION, MICHAEL!”
And then the boat exploded
It broke our hearts into many Jin-shaped pieces ;______;
So then Future!Sun goes to Future!Widmore and she’s like, “My newly attained balls of steel, let me show u them.”
And then…we all had an orgasm.
When Sawyer got to the shore and Juliet told him the boat done blew up, they asked themselves, “WWDD?” (What Would Desmond Do?) and took turns hitting the sauce, whilst sitting on the beach in blue shirts.
So then Ben’s like, “Ciao, babeh. With great power comes great responsibility. Sorry I made your life suck. Linus out.”
And then…well, and then he climbed down into a frozen cellar-type thingy and turned a huge fucking wheel and and he was like, “NOOOOOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLES I’VE SEEN….NOOOOBODY KNOOOOWS BUT JESUUUUUSSSS…”
And then the island? IT DISAPPEARED. JUST LIKE THAT.
And then Jack was lucky enough to give Desmond mouth to mouth, which earned him some points.
Because Desmond’s TOO PRETTY TAH DAH-YEE, BROTHAH!!!
So then Future!Kate gets this phone call in the middle of the night, and it’s some guy going PAUL IS DEAD ;SDKLF;ALDSK; or something…
And then Claire is like, “MAH BABEH!!!!!!!!! DON’T BRING HIM BACK OMG!!!!!!”
So that’s when Jack came up with this cockamamie story about Uncle Phil and Carlton because he thinks he’s helping the people still on the island…but then all of the sudden they see this boat!!!!!!
AND OMFG IT’S PENNEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! S;LDFK’;LADKSF’;LAKDS’F;LAK;SDL
AND DESMOND AND PENNEH ARE REUNITED!!!!!! Z’;LDFK;ALKDSFL;S
AND OMG IT WAS PERFECTION AND WE ALL GOT ALL FARKLEMPT!!! ;ZSKDJF;KLSD
So then the next morning Jack and Co. are ready to go get un-Lost, and before they go, Jack’s like, “See you in another life, brother!”
And Desmond’s like, “Riiiiight….we’ll leave the sexy taglines to me, alright? AH’VE GOT MAH HONAH BOCH! BYE, DOC!”
And with that, the Oceanic 6 went and got found by a bunch of fisherman, and it was sad and slow and montagey.
Then finally we get back to the Hot Mess…who promptly breaks into this funeral home after rocking out to some Pixies LOLOL.
And Benry, who kind of looks like a vampire, is all like, “Hey there, Scorsese on coke. Watcha doin?”
“I am Jack’s wasted life ;___________________;”
And then after waiting a whole YEAR, we finally see the dude in the coffin and OMFG IT’S LOCKE!!!! ;ZLKSDFKASD’;LFK’S;DLFLS
“Other than the fact that your face looks like a vagina…I think I can help you. But that means you have to join MY SIDE. MWA HA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!” *cough*
And Jack’s just like, “…Congratulations, Universe. You win.” ;_;
THE END!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!!
** BEFORE ANYONE HAS TO ASK: “;alskjdf;kljsdl;kfajsdk” doesn’t MEAN ANYTHING. It’s just me smashing on my keyboard. It means I’m excited. Try it sometime. It’s fun.
You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.
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