Warning: Anyone who knows me knows I hate Jack. Deal with it.
So Jack wakes up from having this crazy ass dream…
He had been on this island…and there were polar bears on it…and a slave ship….and everyone there was really, really, ridiculously good looking…
But it was really hard to live there because he had all these enemies that played mind games…they had no supplies or food or anything…
And some hot chick there kept leading him on….she kept making him think she liked him and then she’d run off with some other guy…
He couldn’t even shave his chest for chrissakes…what a nightmare…
But that was all just a bad dream, so he pours himself a nice Irish coffee for breakfast and goes to check on his better half…
Jack: We are so in love.
Kate: Yes, very much so.
Jack: Look at how healthy our relationship is.
Kate: We make out in the shower. That must be love.
“Dear Penthouse, I was just a lonely pizza delivery guy on my last run for the night. I rang the doorbell to the condo and three buxom blonds in teddies answered the do…”
“I think that’s enough story time for one night, Father.”
“Little tyke tuckered out before I got to his favorite part, Mother. I guess he’ll have to wait until tomorrow night to hear about Brandy’s double jointed tongue.”
Jesus Christ, is this asshole finished yet? I’ve been pretending to be asleep for 20 minutes and Sal is waiting for me at the track.
“Look at him sleeping there, such an angel. It makes me almost forget he’s the bastard child of my father’s bastard child. Sigh.”
Sal had better have that money he owes me, papa needs a new pair of shoes.
“Hey, you know who is inexplicably in a perfectly stable, happy relationship?”
“I heart you, Jack Shephard.”
“I heart you too, Kate Austen.”
“I am in no way secretly pretending to think you are someone else when we turn off the lights.”
“And I am in no way using you as a way to cover up my own insecurities.”
Jack: Look how in love we are, we make out in the hallway.
Kate: And how.
Jack: Try not to flinch when I grab your ass this time, okay?
Kate: Just as long as you don’t call me “Daddy” again.
Jack: We are so in love.
So Juliet’s all like, “Hai Jack, wake up plz. If I have to hear you mumbling about Jate in your sleep anymore I might hurl.”
Jack’s like …DADDY?? and wakes up, and he’s like WTF that was a crazy dream…
And he is emo because he’s still stuck on Craphole Island.
“You’re so hot!”
“Thanks Kate, I’m flattered, but now is not really the time…”
“Um actually I meant you…have a…fever…”
And then Jack wandered away, muttering something to himself about making out in a shower.
So meanwhile on the other side of the island…
Miles is like, “STOP! Collaborate and listen!”
“Ice is back with a brand new invention?”
“GROSS OMG!!! It’s Danielle and Karl!!!”
And then Claire was like OMG!!
And then we were like OMG!!
And then Sawyer was like “OMG…WAIT. How’d you even know who Frenchie and Chachi were? You never met them!”
“I SEE DEAD PEOPLE, DUDE!! KEEP UP!”
“Jack, can you please just STFU and stop trying to control everything?? I’m taking your appendix out and that’s final, mister.”
“I AM NOT CONTROLLING! STOP TRYING TO FIX ME, FIXER!”
“It will be just like ripping off a Band Aid. Except not at all. Don’t worry, I totally know what I’m doing. I dissected a frog once in 7th grade. We are golden.”
“I know this is going to make me sound controlling, but if you’re doing this, I NEED TO BE IN CHARGE OF IT. AND ALSO, I WANT KATE THERE IN CASE I NEED MOUTH TO MOUTH.”
“I just wanted to remind everyone that I am a bitch, in case it needed to be reiterated. Which I doubt, so anyway…FUCK ALL Y’ALL.”
“Not in front of the kids, Gingerballs. You are giving us Freighter Folk a bad name!”
“Why would Jack want me in there?! I can’t stand the sight of blood!!”
“I know, I know, I don’t understand it either. Like at all.” *cough*BOO YOU WHORE*cough*
So meanwhile Miles is all staring at Claire…
But Sawyer was like, “OH NO YOU DIH’INT”
And Miles was like “Jus’ mind ya bznss.”
“So…shaving your entire torso is entirely unnecessary, but I think it’s sexay.”
*pained laugh* “I like the way it accentuates my man boobs, maybe I’ll keep it up in the future.”
Speaking of the future…
Christian: Get over here, son. I wanna eat YOUR BRAINZ!!!!1!
Jack: YAY! Father/son quality time!!!!!!!
So then he goes to visit Hurley in the Cuckoo’s Nest because hallucinating is way more fun with a friend.
*clears throat* “So, whatcha been up to? Anything…fun?”
“Been making some macaroni art? Hm? Maybe uh, making some ashtrays?”
“Been getting cheeky glances at the pretty nurses’ cleavage? Yeah? Been having some uh…pudding? With a little uh…whipped cream?”
“Allllrighty then, well it’s been fun. Guess I’ll just duck out now…”
“I’ve been hanging out with Charlie, dude. He looks awesome…He’s a hot dead guy.”
“…You know, Hurley…I don’t think you’re actually crazy.”
“Talking to dead people not crazy enough for ya? You want me to take a shit on the floor or something?”
“Aaaaaand that’s my cue to go.”
So Sawyer, Claire, and Miles are out gallivanting around the jungle when they hear a noise…
It was Frank! And he was like “RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!” because those soldier dudes were dragging each other courageously through the jungle!
“I don’t know how the hell to fix this guy, we never learned how to treat Smoke Monster-related injuries in Basic Training, bro!!”
Meanwhile, Jack’s surgery is about to go down on the beach.
And Kate was like, “I H8 U”
And Juliet was all, “I H8 U MORE, BITCH! Just keep smiling so we don’t frighten Jack, mmkay?”
“You know what, Jack? I’m going to stop trying to get between you and the Island Bike, over there. You’re obviously…in love…?”
Jack: We are so in love.
Kate: Just look at all this chemistry crackling between us.
Jack: …I think I’m going to be sick.
So future Jack goes and wakes Kate up in the middle of the night, and he’s all, “MARRY ME!”
And Kate’s like, “STEVE HOLT!” and then she’s like, “OH wait, you’re serious? lol I thought we were just quoting Arrested Development.”
“Listen to me, Kate. I need you to marry me, not because I love you, but because I need some kind of validation for all this SHIT I’ve been through. I figure if I can have a pretty wife by my side I can forget about the fact that I’m slowly slipping into madness.”
“Plus, you make me feeling kinda funny. Like when I used to climb the ropes in gym class.”
“Yes, Jack! Yes I will marry you! And it’s not because I love you or anything, but because I need to make myself forget that I left Sawyer behind on that island! And there’s of course the whole Aaron thing to deal with, all of that would just be easier if I was married. So YES!”
Jack: We are so in love!
Kate: We just have to keep telling ourselves that!
So Jack’s like, hunkering down for this appendectomy.
And Juliet’s all “EW EW EW EW”
And Kate’s all “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW”
And Jack’s all “OW OW OW OWWWWWWWWWWMG”
And Kate just starts CRYING for no reason.
And Jack’s just like FREAKING OUT, MAN!
So Juliet’s like “ALRIGHT. THAT’S IT. STFU.” and decides to put Jack under!
So Jack’s hanging out after work and he hears this beeping sound, and instead of it being the usual asshole burning popcorn on the second floor, it was *GASP*
OLD DADDY JEARBUCKS! And
Jacob God said, “LET THERE BE JEARS!”
And it was good!
And Jack was all, “Gimme some drugs to heal my pain!” and the other doctor was like, “Only as long as you promise to wash it down with alcohol!”
So then Jack goes home to his loving fiance Kate, and she’s on the phone with some mystery person.
“Alright then, “NOREEN,” I’ll see you later on the “PLAYGROUND,” make sure you bring “THE JUICE BOXES.”"
“You know, when I can actually see you doing the quotey fingers, I kind of know something is going on.”
“What, hon? Oh that? That was just Noreen. She is a total riot. Hey look how awesome I am at marital bliss! Look at this fridge! We MUST be a loving, happy family with a fridge like this, amiright??”
“What would you like for dinner tonight, Father? How about tacos? We haven’t had Taco Night in a while…”
*mutters* Maybe you should be making fish biscuits you little…
“What was that, hon? Okay well, tacos it is!”
And so Jack followed that doctor’s orders, and he’s like “Looks like I picked a bad week to quit opiates.”
And then wept a little. Because HE WAS JUST SO HAPPY AND IN LOVE. In case you forgot.
So then out in the jungle, Claire wakes up and Aaron’s not next to her and she looks up and she’s like “…Dad?”
And Christian’s all, “Poppop gets a treat?”
“So, um, thanks for saving him, I guess.”
“You’re welcome. I guess. I ain’t bovvered.”
“Ladies, ladies, please! Don’t all fight over me at once!”
So then Jack’s at home babysitting Aaron the way his old man used to babysit him. Which is really just babysitting a bottle while the kid is in another room or something.
“Do you really think you should be drinking so much? We’re in love, remember? People who are in love don’t need to drink their dinner.”
And Jack was all “WHERE WERE YOU” and blah blah and then he’s like “YOU STILL LOVE HIM, DON’T YOU!?”
And Kate’s like, “YES, I DO! I STILL LOVE
TOM KEVIN SAWYER!!!”
“WELL THAT JUST SUCKS BIG DONKEY DICKS, DOESN’T IT!?”
“Face it Jack, the only thing we have in common is that we both like to cry an inordinate amount!”
And Jack was all, “I DO NOT CRY A LOT” through the tears!!
So then Aaron finally rolls up from his night at the track…
And Kate’s like, “MAH BABEH!!!”
And Jack’s like, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN RELATED TO HIM. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE NOBLE BLOOD OF SHEPHARD RUNNING THROUGH YOUR VEINS!!! SHEPHARDS RULE, AUSTENS DROOL!! Now where’s my whiskey…hmmm…*hiccups* MY GENES ARE SUPERIOR TO YOURS!”
So then Sawyer wakes up in the jungle, and he’s all “WHERE’S CLAIRE!?”
And Miles is like, “I don’t know, she went with some old guy. Just follow the scent of Scotch mixed with a smug sense of entitlement, you’ll find them.”
So then Sawyer went and found Aaron, who was doing his best impression of a Cabbage Patch Kid.
And then he picked up the baby and every female Lost viewer’s ovaries exploded.
Because…omg BABY!!!!!!!!!1 ;lasdjf;lasdklf;kasld;
You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.
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