Oh great, he’s probably imagining me naked right now.
*Imagines Kate naked*
Yup. I still got
“Jack, you’re not popping pills, are you? Drugs are bad, mmkay?”
“Actually, Kate, I have some wonderful news.”
“I’m…pregnant!! Juliet has been continuing her mpreg experiments and she said I’d be a perfect candidate. Something about having more estrogen than most men, idk.”
“Well omg Jack CONGRATS!!! That is so great! You will make a great mot…fath…parent!”
So Bernard’s having a tough time with some of the other Losties, he’s like, “STOP MAKING FUN OF ME, I DO NOT FART WHILE I SLEEP” and then he’s like “woops what do we have here?”
And we’re all like UGH WOW..that is…wow. That is graphic.
And everyone’s like, “Who’s Floaty McBloaterson?” and Daniel’s like, “He was the doctor on our ship!!”
And Jack’s just like, “Oh NO!! He’s a doctor, I’m a doctor…this does not bode well for the pea in my pod!!”
So meanwhile Sawyer, Hurley, and Locke are having some kind of v. srs debate…
“I don’t want Mexico, you can have Mexico!”
“Was that a racist comment?? If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North, Cabron!!!”
“Boys, boys please! I think we can at least all agree none of us wants Canada!”
And Aaron’s all “Blood alone moves the wheels of history!” and we’re all like DAMN that baby really is the Antichrist!!
So then this very ominous looking phone with no numbers on it starts ringing…
And Locke’s like, “…hello?”
“Hello sir, Maytag here, um…is your refrigerator running?”
“…uhhh yes? Wait, who is this? You sound so famil…”
And he’s all “You’d better go and catch it then LOLOL LATERZ!” *sigh* “I crack me up.”
So anyway Ben finds out that the Ominous Phone was ringing and he’s like FREAKING OUT and Locke’s all, “WHAT’S GOT YOUR PANTIES IN A TWIST??”
And Benry is just like “THEY’RE HEEEEEERE!!!!”
But then Sawyer pulled himself together and he was like, “I shall attend to the women and children!” and we’re all kind of like, wow someone get this guy a white horse and some shining armor!!
So then we see Ben and he’s like making snow angels all by his lonesome…
Only there is no snow and he’s in the middle of the freaking Sahara in a parka!! And we/Ben are all kind of like ummmmm WTF IS HAPPENING!? and then we’re like ohhh he must have taken the OMGWTFPOLARBEAREXPRESS!!!!!!
When all of the sudden these two extras from Aladdin show up!!
Ben: Hello there, chappies! I was wondering if you could help me, you see, I am very confused. I was just making snow angels and cuddling with some Polar Bears when all of the sudden I woke up and Bob’s your uncle, I’m in the desert!
Aladdin guys: …
Ben: Oh, I suppose you don’t speak English, um, let’s see, ME LLAMO BENJAMIN, QUE TAL?
“What’s this asshole saying?”
“YO VIVO EN UN ESTACION DE AUTOBUSES! MUY BIEN GRACIAS, Y TU?”
“I COME IN PEACE! I’ve only got this little stick here. Although…you see, I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you that I’m here to eviscerate you both. Ta!”
“VICTORY IS MINE!”
“…who are you?”
“Me? I’m one of the good guys, Achmed.”
“Stay in school! Peace in the Middle East! I’m out!” *gallops away*
Meanwhile, back on the island…
“Good morning, Angels.”
“Good morning, Charlie.”
So Ben’s like, “Alright, team. Get your game faces on. We’re at the bottom of the ninth, all bases are loaded. We have to knock this one out of the park…”
“…I know this could potentially be a sticky wicket, but I have total confidence that we’ll make a hole in one….”
“…we can really slam dunk this one. Strike, they’re out. Um…no do-overs this time. Uh…stick this landing. We can’t…throw…in the…towel?”
“Are you done yet, Cosell? I got a tiny blonde to save.” *runs away*
“John, wait. If anything happens out there today I need to know you’ve got my back. You have to be my cornerman. You’ve got to be…my catcher. Can you be my catcher, John?”
“I’m going to walk away now, Ben. Besides, we both know we agreed that I’d be the pitcher.”
Meanwhile on the beach Jack was like, “We have to contact that boat, we have to know what happened to this guy!”
“Well if you’ve got some coconuts, a palm leaf, and some sand I can construct a thingy that goes BEEP BEEP BOOP, I don’t know if that will help.”
Maryann Kate was like, “Coincidentally we have all of those items just sitting around!”
And then Ginger was like, “Wow, Professor. Good thing we have you here! By the way, when is that luau with the Globetrotters and Zsa Zsa Gabor?”
And Mr. Howell was like, “Smashing.”
So then Sawyer runs over to where Claire’s sleeping and he runs into a random guy and he’s like, “GO CHANGE YOUR SHIRT, NOW!! DO IT OR YOU’LL BE SORRY!!” and then gun shots ring out across the playground!!
And the guy’s all, “BUT, BUT THIS IS MORE OF A BURGUNDY *UGH*”
And these two other assholes run out TOWARDS THE GUN FIRE and we’re all like LOL OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING and the one guy’s just like, “THIS IS SALMON, NOT RED!!!”
But lucky for all of us, Sawyer was wearing a lovely shade of green!!
So then Claire’s house was all “I JUST BLUE MYSELF” and we’re all like ;lksdflkasdjlk CLAIRE OMG IS SHE DEAD!?
But it turns out she was just taking a nap under some smoldering rubble.
Back in Tunisia Ben’s checking into this hotel and the hostess is like, “I’m sorry sir, I don’t have your name down for a reservation.”
“I’m sure there’s been a mix up. It’s Abe Froman, F-R-O-M-A-N. Sausage King of ChicagooooWHOOOOAAA WHAT THE DEUCE!?”
Benry wasn’t expecting to see Sayid on Al Jazeera!!
So after a rendezvous with Tim Gunn in which Ben got some fabulous new accessories, he’s all GO GO GADGET CAMERA!! and makes Sayid think he’s a paparazzi spying on Nadia’s funeral!
“Woe is me, I have nothing to live for anymore.”
“And by the way what’s with the get up, Bendiana Jones? Not every white guy in the Middle East dresses like he’s about to go excavating, you know.”
“I was going for sexy anthropologist, but I think it all came out a little Anderson Cooper-ish, which honestly I don’t mind at all. I don’t know, I’m making it work.”
“Oh and by the way, THE MAN WHO KILLED NADIA, LET ME SHOW U HIM.”
So back on the island, this crewcut-having son of a bitch is like, “Look little piggy, you don’t know anything about me, so why don’t you just come out of that house, or I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll shoot your kid down.”
“Ah but you see, I have an encyclopedic knowledge of everything single person who has ever lived, Martin Keemy, born 1976, went to high school in Austin, Texas, favorite movies Full Metal Jacket and Boondock Saints, favorite band Nickelback, hobbies include target practice and funnily enough crochet…”
“Wait a minute, you just read my MySpace page!! Say goodbye to your kid!!”
And Alex was like “FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES AND BE A MAN!!”
And Ben thought about it for a second and he was like, “Nah!”
So Keemy shot Alex ;__________;
And us/Ben were like O_o OMG!!!!!!!!!!
So then Ben started saying something about “changing the rules” and muttering to himself, and then he’s like “BRB.”
Then the dude who supposedly shot Nadia is like “PLZ TO BE LEAVING ME ALONE” and Benry’s in some deep shit and all of the sudden…
Sayid’s just like “WAHH I am so beside myself with grief that one photograph and the word of a man that has done nothing but lie to me has convinced me that you killed my wife!!! NOW DIE!!!”
So then he’s like, “Look, I have nothing to live for. I’ll come and fight the good fight in the Ben Linus Army of Champions.”
“Eeeeeexellent” *taps fingers together*
So anyway Ben comes back out of the Chamber of Secrets all like covered in dirt and stuff and he’s like “Whatever you do, don’t look into its eyes, the Basilisk’s gaze is deadly to those who look upon it” and everyone’s kind of like WHAT!? and he’s like, “JUST TRUST ME, OKAY!?” and then he UNLEASHED THE BEAST!!!!
And then the Basilisk/Smoke Monster came out and just absolutely PWNED EVERYTHING ;a’lkfl;’akds;’lfksd;’f
And everyone SAW this happening and they were all like WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!
Ben: Yes, it is I! The Heir of Slytherin!
Ben: Silly muggles, you’ll never know what I’m capable of! MWA HA HA HA HA ha ha *cough*
So back with Gilligan’s gang, Daniel rigs up this beepy thing and gets a message back from the freighter. “They say everything is ship shape. LOL get it?”
But Bernard was like, “Ha HA! Why do you lie, LIAR!? They actually said their doctor is fine! Looks like that Morse Code course they inexplicably gave at dental school has finally paid off!”
And right as Jack’s about to give Daniel a good old fashioned knuckle sandwich, he has an unpleasant sensation in his gut!
Kate: Oh my god Jack are you okay!?
Jack: It’s just a little morning sickness, it will pass.
Kate: Jack, what if..what if you have appendicitis and it’s not a…baby?
Jack: LOOK KATE, IT’S MY BODY, MY CHOICE!
So then Locke’s like, “Sawyer and Claire can go back to the beach, but Hugo needs to stay with me. Say goodbye, Hugo.”
But Sawyer was like, ‘DO NOT WANT” but in the end Hurley told Sawyer not to worry, he’d be back playing horseshoes with him again in no time!
So Ben goes and pays a little visit to Widmore…
“Hello, Chaz. So, at last we meet for the first time. For the last time. You broke the rules, Chaz. And now I’m here to break your face. Although that’s not allowed, so I’ll have to settle with breaking…your spirits.”
“Your momma’s so fat, she sat on a penny and squished a booger out of Lincoln’s nose.”
“I am rubber and you are glue, Benji.”
“Fine, be that way. I’ll just have to murder your daughter, then.”
“Ooooh. That does smart a bit.”
You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.