WARNING: This is by far the BIGGEST recap I’ve ever done, will MELT your dial-up!!
Okay so back before Season 4 began we all kind of knew that Jack and Kate had gotten off the island, but we didn’t know who ELSE got off the island, right?
But then right away Hurley was like FREAKING OUT and smashing his bitchin’ car into a pile of fruit and when the cops caught him, he was all “ZOMG DON’T BEAT ME WITH YOUR STICKS I’M ONE OF THE OCEANIC 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL THAT RHYMES!
And they were like, “This guy seems one fry short of a Happy Meal, LOCK HIM UP!”
And we were all like OMG I’M SORRY, WHAT!?
So then we get to the island and Kate’s all YAY WE R GOIN HOME!!!!
And Jack’s all, “Darn tootin’, little lady!”
So then Claire is like, “You know who I really love? Charlie. I don’t even love him, I like LUFF him. With two F’s. I hope he’s okay!”
“I think when he comes back from that underwater hatch thing I’m going to tell him where he can…uh…drive that shaft, if you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down.”
“OMG GIRL!!!! YOU SO CRAZY OMG!!!!!! I could never say that to Jin!!!” :O
And Rose was all, “I may be menopausal, but a lady’s got needs, Sun. NEEDS!”
SO ANYWAY, then Hurley was like AYE MAMA, I’M COMING HOME! And he basically did the equivalent of Mary Tyler Moore tossing that little hat in the air!!
But then right in time to rain on his parade Desmond comes back all tired
and wet and he’s like *bagpipes*CHAHLEE, WE HARDLY KNEW YE*bagpipes*
And everyone was super sad ;____;
In a very angsty/sexy way.
And then Jack and Kate had some huggage and all the Jaters were like tossing confetti and sharpening their claws to use on the Skaters!
So then back in the flash forward Hurley’s back in the mental hospital because he had been having some ~*visions*~ and whatnot, and this guy comes to visit and he’s all:
Why hello there Hugo, I’m from Oceanic Airlines. I’m here to see how you are…brought you some Swedish Fish and a teddy bear…a copy of the Big Lebowski…Dude.
*chuckles to himself*
Now all I need from you is YOUR SOUL. *scary music*
And Hurley could only go, “…Fuckin’ A!”
And then Naomi gets stabbed in the back and she’s all, “JUST A FLESH WOUND!!!” and Kate’s like, “Holy shit, let me at leastget you a Band-Aid or something” and Naomi’s like, “I’M INVINCIBLE!” and Kate’s like “What are you gonna do, BLEED ON ME!?” and Naomi’s like “We’ll call it a draw!” and she keels over and dies.
So then Hurley’s in the jungle and he’s all like “A weem a way, a weem a way, a weem a way, a weem a way…”
And then out of NOWHERE he hears “Eeeeeeee eeeeeeee eeeee A WEEE OM OM AWAYYYYY!”
And he’s like OMGGGWTFBBQ!??????
And lo and behold Christian Shephard’s all in Jacob’s cabin and he’s like “…the lion sleeps toniiight! TAKE ME TO THE BRIDGE!”
And basically Hurley freaks out because you know, WHO WOULDN’T!?
Then he goes with Locke to meet up with everyone and Claire’s like, “You all everybody! You all everybody!” and we’re all like, uh oh Claire…
…WE HAS SUM BAD NEWZ, LET US SHOW U THEM. ;_;
And then all of the sudden Hurley’s having this flash forward and who should appear but Mr. Driveshaft himself!!!
And he’s all like, “Yeah it’s kind of crazy when you get to heaven they give you a haircut and a leather jacket and some cool aviator shades, it’s really quite nice. I mean, you’d expect it to be, it being heaven and all, but still, very posh…”
And Hurley is just like DOES NOT COMPUTE, but Charlie’s like, “HELP THEM, HURLEY WAN! YOU’RE THEY’RE ONLY HOPE!”
And then Jack pointed a gun straight at Locke and pulled the trigger, and a little flag popped out that said “NOT YET!!”
LOL nah just joshin’ you, that’s not till later XD
Locke survives this little gun malfunction and Jack is like, “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, YOU’RE COOL, FUCK YOU, I’M OUT!!!” and goes and stands in a corner, and some people followed him because they had to admit, he had a point.
But Locke is all “HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN BEFORE YOU CAN CALL HIM A MAN?” And then some other people followed HIM, because well, they’d rather deal with Locke’s crazy ass than having to take orders from Jack!
*blubbering* Never let them see you cry, old man. *sniff*
And then Jack was like, “Hey look! I have my shit together! FOR NOW!”
But Hurley knew better and he was all “ZOMBIE CHARLIE SAID WE GOTS TA GO BACK, JACK!!!” But Jack basically said MIND YA BZNSS and left.
So then we were all like…THANK GOD IT’S FARADAY!!! And he was like *drops something* Ummmm…hi guys. Hehe. *trips over something*
And by now Jack and Kate are helping Daniel find his friend because after all, they ARE there to save them, right??
*hums Ghostbusters theme*
“I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO GHOST!”
So as it turns out this little asshole is actually some kind of ghost whisperer, much like Jennifer Love Hewitt, only with more rage and less cleavage!!
And then Sawyer took Ben for a walk!
And then Jack was all ;D…
And we pretty much all died, either in a good way or a bad way, depending on how you feel about Jack!
Then Sayid took a break from oiling his biceps long enough to come in and totally pwn Miles without even trying.
And of course Charlotte Staples Center found a frakking POLAR BEAR in TUNISIA with a DHARMA logo on it and we were all like I’M SORRY, BUT…omgwtfPOLARBEAR!????????
And then this crazy bastard, who in no way perpetuates the stereotype of a drunk pilot, finished off his Purple Nurple and flopped down on the island!
And he told a cow all about the time he was supposed to be the pilot that flew Flight 815, and how he saw TV’s Greg Grunberg’s mustachioed corpse, and how sometimes when he’s driving late at night, he wants to just…jerk the wheel…
And the cow was like SANITY: UR DOIN IT WRONG.
And then Ben gave Charlotte the traditional island welcome!!
Only Charlotte was wearing a bulletproof vest, so she was okay.
And then she got to second base with Locke.
And then the Jurassic Park theme music swelled in the background as we finally saw…THE HELICOPTER!!!!
So Miles is all GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!!!!
But first tell me where I can find…*whips out picture* THIS MAN’S STYLIST!! I mean really!! A WHITE VEST?? Is this 1978!?
Meanwhile Locke was like, “I’m sorry Ben, but you are…THE WEAKEST LINK!”
“NO! WAIT! I CALL A DO-OVER!! I HAVE A MAN ON THAT FREIGHTER!!!! ‘;DF’S;DLK”
So then we’re all wondering WHO ARE THE OTHER OCEANIC 6 PEOPLE!???
And then Sayid was like “Tiger Tiger Woods y’all.”
And after some witty banter with a random Italian guy, Sayid’s all “I’m gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your lying, yellow, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead!”
ONE! TWO! TEN!!
“Keep the change, ya filthy animal!” and the sprinklers were like ;lkzsdjf;lkasdjflk;jsdlk
Then Jack and Kate are hanging out like waiting for the helicopter to take off and Kate’s like, “So what’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you get back to the real world?”
“I’m thinking Vicodin. Maybe Darvocet. You?”
“…probably go and…visit my mom or something…maybe get a pedicure…”
*not listening* “…oooh maybe some whippets…just cause I can.”
So meanwhile Sayid is looking as BADASS as possible and walking in slo mo everywhere, and you know that doesn’t bode well for someone in this episode…
Elsa: You’re so…strong…and…intelligent….and your hair is so…voluminous and shiny…
Sayid: …it’s the Pantene.
Elsa: Ooohhhh DO ME!
So Sayid and Kate go off to Camp Locke-awana to see if anyone wants to play freeze tag, and they find Hurley all tied up!
“I am in no way lying.”
“Why do you lie, LIAR!?”
“Checkmate, bitches. Game over. King me. You lose. I win. Nanny nanny boo boo.”
But Sawyer trapped Kate in a back room and he’s all, “I’m never gonna give you up. I’m never gonna…let you down.”
“You can’t Rickroll me, ass, we’re not on the coconut internet.”
And while this is going on, Daniel’s on the other side of the island like, “BY GEORGE I THINK I’VE GOT IT!” and this thingy comes crashing to the ground and Daniel’s all “THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!!” and there is something crazy going on with time and stuff!!!
And then Desmond practiced his catalogue poses while nothing else was going on.
Pose 6: “The Carefree Game Hunter”
Then in this flash forward Sayid’s all Vidal Sassoony and fabulous, but he’s like, “Look babeh, you’re a cool chick and all, but I have to kill you now.”
“You’re breaking up with/KILLING ME!?”
And Sayid’s just like, “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME.” *BANG*
So eventually, a little worse for the wear, Sayid and Desmond get on da choppa and Sayid’s kind of being a Mopey Myrtle, but we don’t really know why.
And in this flash forward Sayid’s looking a little peaky, so he heads over to his local…vet? And this mysterious dude is all like, “Now don’t nibble on these stitches or else I’ll have to put one of those plastic cones around your head.”
And we were like HAY WAIT, THAT GUY SOUNDS V. FAMILIAR…
AND IT WAS BEN!!!!!!!! ‘;LDKFA’LSDK’LF;KSD’;LFKSD;L And we were all like WHAT OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
And Ben was all, “You came up short this week, my pet. Is Benry gonna hafta choke a bitch? Now gimme some sugah.”
And as Sayid pecked him on the cheek, he yearned for the days when he was merely a soldier in Saddam’s army, and not a hitman for a lying, corrupt, megolomaniac with a penchant for mindgames.
Then it’s time for the Trial of the Century of The Week!!
In the FBI’s war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Major Case Squad. These are their stories.
“…Look Kate, we need the sympathy vote here.”
“I told you, we’re not bringing him into this!! You have no right!”
“Oooh, who’s wearing the big pants now, hm? Hm, Missy? We’re using him. End of story.”
“Did someone say MAH BABEH!!?!?!?”
“It wasn’t me. No way. I don’t do Taco Night and I certainly don’t do kids.”
“And this one time, she was all upset and running through the jungle and I like caught her and held her in my arms, and she kissed me! She kissed me!”
“And this other time, we were like stuck in this net together…”
“…and I got a boner and I thought she was into it!”
“Look your honor, all I’m saying is that she needs to quit playing games with my heart! A man can only take…so much….” *sniffs*
“Need I remind everyone that this is a criminal trial to determine my guilt in a murder case, and not a therapy session? This court shouldn’t be concerned with whether or not I’ve been leading Jack around by his…feelings.”
“See what I mean?? Hot and cold. Hot and *sniff* cold.”
Meanwhile back on the island, Kate and Sawyer were playing a game of Never Have I Ever.
“Never have I ever dreamed about making sweet love to Ack.”
So anyway Kate breaks Miles out of the poolhouse to go and see Ben.
“SHOW ME THE MONEY!”
“I’m sorry, is this 1995? Yeesh.”
Kate drags Miles out of the room, and she’s like, “Okay I’ve given you what you want, now tell me what you know!! Who is he!?”
“We must not speak of the Final Five! It goes against our programming!”
“Why you…stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking, NERF HERDER!!”
“Okay okay!!! It’s Ben!!! BENRY IS THE FINAL CYLON!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Oh. My. Gods.”
So then Kate and Sawyer got to third base, but they didn’t go all the way because they can’t do it unless they’re in a cage. Kinky.
And then the morning after everything seems to be going peachy keen until Sawyer’s like, “I’m honestly quite chuffed you’re not pregnant, I would never want to bring a poor defenseless child into this topsy turvy world we live in…”
But Kate was all, “THIS IS SO TYPICAL, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PIG!?” and she slapped him and we were all like WHOA WHOA KATE!!! Watch the goods there, darling. Don’t want to mess with the perfection that is Sawyer’s face.
So after her mom decided not to testify, Kate was coming out of the court and Jack is like lurking in the parking garage and he’s like, “Hello there. They call me…Deep Throat lolz”
“Ha…ugh. Anyway, I appreciate the fact that you lied for me, but sry2say I’m still not going to be your GF. I’m a baby mama now and you best get used to that…”
“Get over it. Go out with somebody else.”
“Don’t tell me not to live…just sit and putter. Life is…candy and the sun is…a ball of butter. Don’t bring around a cloud to rain on my paraaaaaaaade.”
“…riiiiight. Buh bye then.”
So then Kate goes home and we’re all waiting with bated breath, WHO IS THIS KID? And then we see him and we’re like OMG BLONDE BABY MUST BE SAWYER’S! But then she’s like, “ILU AARON” and we’re all like WHOA WAIT THAT’S WEIRD, why would Kate name her baby the same thing as Claire’s baby!?
And then we were like, “…OHHHHHHHHH.”
And then there were 5.
Alrighty then so now you’ve got Desmond on the helicopter, ready to go to the freighter, humming “Penny Lane” to himself…
When all of the sudden he is an extra in Full Metal Jacket: Scotland Edition!!!
“Were yoo born a faht sloy-mee scumbag, PUKE piece of shite, Private Hume!? Or did yoo haff tah work on it?”
And then Desmond was back on the helicopter and he was like “OMG I AM SLOWLY SLIPPING INTO MAAAAADNESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!”
And we were all like, “Yes, yes, I believe you are correct.”
So they finally get to the freighter and Desmond’s like “I DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM. OCH!! MAH MARBLES, I HAFF LOST THEM!”
And there’s this other dude in the room and he’s all, “I think I have your marbles right here on this ferris wheel! Wheeee!!! Get me some cotton candy, mommy!”
And Desmond’s just like “I AM SLIGHTLY DISQUIETED BY THIS TURN OF EVENTS, IF WE’RE ALL BEING HONEST HERE.”
So Daniel gets wind of what’s happening to our pal Des and he gets him on the phone and he’s like, “Hi there, um, I know this sounds a little crazy, but next time you go back to 1996, you have to find me. I’ll be the one with the ridiculous haircut. Also…purple monkey dishwasher.”
“I knoo ah must be goin’ crazy because that juss made sense!”
So Desmond goes on a journey through time and space and finds himself at Oxford. Luckily despite all this time travel he’s managed to accesorize v. nicely.
“This is Eloise, my lab assistant. She doesn’t mind the long hours and if I get her drunk enough she makes out with me a little.”
“Anyway, time travel is real, magic does, in fact, exist, and Eloise here was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.”
“Are yoo shitting me, brothah??”
“Well…yes. All except the time travel part. So find something you can use to remember who you are in the future, or else you’re not long for this world.”
So then Desmond goes and has a visit with Mr. Widmore, who uncharactertistically tells him where he can find Penny. While taking a leak.
Then Minkowski is like, “Dude your girlfriend called. I kinda forgot to write it down, but I was like, busy at the time. And now the phone is all jacked up. Sorry, bro.”
And Sayid is all, “Give me a minute and I’ll have this fixed” and we’re all like OMG SAYID you could torcha my ass any day!!
And then Minkowski bites the big one and Desmond knows that if he can’t talk to Penny soon all will be lost!! (lol, get it? LOST!)
So back in 1996 Desmond goes to see Penny and get her digits, and through the magic of time travel he calls her from 2004, and she ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And all of our hearts were like EXPLODING and it was ADORABLE ;’sl’;lfk;aldsfkl;skfl;skflsad;kf’asl; and we were like AW LOOK, NOW THAT’S TWOO WUV!!!!!!!!
And then Desmond was okay!!! And all rejoiced. So we thought that would have been enough for one episode, but then Damon and Carlton were like *lolz JUST WAIT 20 more seconds*
And then “Will you be my Constant” became the new “You complete me.”
So then we find out that Juliet was schtupping this
Mole’s woman’s husband back in the day.
But while that was going on, Ben was like, “She will be mine. Oh yes. She will be mine.”
But Juliet and Goodwin didn’t let Ben worry them. They frolicked on the beach, laughed and drank Dharma Box Wine until the sun came up, and did various biological and chemical experiments on humans and animals…while holding hands.
But Ben, never one to give up, made Juliet a dinner just like mom used to make. Although not his mom. He never really knew what her cooking was like. She was too busy being dead to make dinner. This may or may not have something to do with his little Juliet obsession. Ahem.
But Juliet didn’t want to hold Ben’s hand, so Ben…took measures. Goodwin was toast.
“HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING!? HAVE YOU NO HEART!? HAVE YOU NO SOUL!?”
“Actually, I’M A CYLON. SO NO. But my spine gets all shiny and red on the rare occassion I get laid. I hope to show you my sparkly red spine someday Juliet.” *evil giggle*
And then Daniel showed us that he looks super cute in a toxic jumpsuit whilst saving the entire world or something…
Frankly I think we were all so busy freaking out over Benry going “YOU’RE MINE” to even care about this subplot. But Juliet and Charlotte did some yellin’ and scrappin’ and I’m sure if some Jell-O was involved it would have been super hot for the guys.
Juliet and Jack! Sittin’ in a tree! J-E-A-R-I-N-G!
First comes tears! Then comes moping! Then comes Sawyer and Kate eloping!!
And then Locke let Benry go, and so he went and got his own cabin in Camp Locke-awana!
Sawyer: Camp Locke-awana!
Hurley: We hold you in our hearts!
Sawyer: And when we think about you…
Hurley: It MAKES ME WANT TO FART!
And Ug was all, “IT’S I HOPE WE NEVER PART, NOW GET IT RIGHT OR PAY THE PRICE!!!”
OKAY so then we see Sun in the future and we’re like OH HAY SHE’S THE LAST ONE OF THE OCEANIC 6! HUZZAH!
Except Sun’s having the babeh!!!!! OMG!!!!!
So meanwhile on the island Jin’s like, “Could you prees pass da cereal?”
And Jack’s like, “Whoa Jin! You speak-a the Engrish now, eh?”
And Jin’s like, “I am the very model of a modern Major-General, I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical, from Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical!!”
“He really loves Gilbert and Sullivan.”
“WITH MANY CHEERFUL FACTS ABOUT THE SQUARE OF THE HYPOTENUSE!!! YAY!!!”
So Sun’s off having this baby of hers, and Jin is FREAKING OUT because he can’t get there fast enough!!
“GORRAM PANDA BEARS!!!!!!”
And back on the island Sun and Jin decide they’d rather go wait at camp Locke-awana, they don’t trust those helicopter people. But they run into a problem…
Juliet: DON’T GO! HOW CAN I CONVINCE YOU TO STAY!?
Sun: It’s none of your BZNSS LEAVE US ALONE!
Juliet: Jin, listen to me, I’m only telling you this out of the goodness of my heart, and not because I’m a vindictive bitch.
Sun: WHY I OUGHTA…
Juliet: Sun cheated on you! She thought that baby wasn’t even YOURS! Ha! Now you have to stay! Don’t ask me how that makes sense!
So Sun bitchslaps Juliet. It was the only natural thing to do.
And then Sun has her baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
And back on the island Jin and Sun are having this great little heart to heart. But we’re all getting worried…
Because NO ONE EVER survives once they have these epiphanies!!! And you know, we really like Jin. *sniff*
So then Jin FINALLY gets to the hospital and we’re like “UH WTFPANDABEAR!?!?!?!??????” and it turns out this is a flash BACK!!!! And we’re like WAIT OH NO WHERE IS JIN IN THE FUTURE!???
And then we see Ji Yeon and she’s pretty much the cutest baby of all time.
And Uncle Hurley even comes to visit, and he does all the uncley things like tells bad jokes and pulls quarters out of her ears, and it kind of makes all the girls’ ovaries explode.
But then Sun and Hurley and Ji Yeon go to a cemetary and it’s JIN’S GRAVE!!!!!!!!! And we’re all like WHAT NOOOOOOOOOOOO and it’s super sad ;______________; but then again he might not really be dead, so we can keep our fingers crossed and hope Daniel Dae Kim doesn’t get pulled over for drunk driving again any time soon.
And while all of this is going on, Sayid and Desmond meet the captain of the freighter and he’s like, “Yeah uh, this is the black box from Flight 815. On which everyone died. It’s all verrrry fishy.”
And then he was like, “HEY ANONYMOUS DECKHAND GUY, COME AND CLEAN UP THIS MESS” and Michael was all, “Heyyyyyyyyyyyy….”
So naturally Sayid is pissed, and he’s all “DOES SAYID HAVE TO GO FIERCE HOT TRANNY MESS ON YOUR ASS!? EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE HERE.”
So Michael explains how he got to the freighter:
The Island: 1, Michael: 0
The Island: 2, Michael: 0
Tom: 50, Michael: 0
So you repeatedly attempted suicide, failed, and then watched that man Tom have relations with a man called Arturo?
“Let’s just say now I know why they called him Mr. Friendly.” *shudders*
“I was supposed to detonate a bomb, and instead of exploding, it had a little flag on it that said “NOT YET.”
Island: 3, Michael: 0
“Ben told me to start spying on these guys! But if it were up to me I would have been dead months ago!”
“Well we’ll just see about helping you along with that, you snivelling ASS!!!”
“I REGRET NOTHING!!! San Dimas High School football rules!”
And then Carl got SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND BEN’S
Ben gives love…a bad name ;_;
And then Danielle was all “OOPS I CRAPPED MY PANTS!!” but it’s okay because we don’t think she’s really dead.
THE END. PHEW.
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