Sooo, first thing we see is like, everyone waving at the ocean OMG WE ARE SAVED!!!
And then we all totally had a flashback of our own because we were like, “Wait a minute – isn’t this LAST YEAR’S finale? WTF?”
But that was forgotten super fast because all the sudden Jack, Sayid, and Sawyer were all like, “OMG BOAT! WE MUST GET NAKED AT ONCE!!!!”
And Sayid was all like, “I can remove my shirt quicker than you can say slash.”
But then Sawyer was all like, “YOU CAN’T HAVE NAKEY TIME WITHOUT ME!” *drops trou*
And he finally got his shirt off and everyone in the background rejoiced, and they were all like, *drool*.
So Sayid and Sawyer (and Jack, who removed naught but his SOCKS (???) were all like, “If Desmond needs CPR I will be the one to give it to him!” and all the females in the world went *sigh*
And then Sayid was all like, “Welcome to the GUN SHOW, LADIES!”
But then Jack was all, “I don’t have to objectify myself by removing my shirt to show you MY GUNNZ!!!”
So then Sawyer, Sayid, and Jack were all like, “WE ARE THE HOT COPS!!! Who’s ready to have some fun?”
And then Desmond was all like, “Sorry brothahs, I started the party without ya!”
So then Jack was all, “I’m sorry about that game of grab-ass on the swim back. I’ve told Sawyer time and again – there is a time and a place for everything.”
And Desmond was all, “I’m the one who started it, my wee bonnie lass.”
So then we find out Desmond used to be in prison, and he’s all, “BTW I share the name of a famous Scottish enlightenment philosopher and read Dickens, ladies.” And we were all like *swoon*
And then Caleb Nichol is hanging out in some car, and we were all like, “WTF did I accidentally put on the OC?!!!”
So Desmond is all like, “I fookin’ hate you, ya know.”
So then Sayid is all like “Blah Blah Blah I am reiterating the last episode’s entire plot.” And Jack was all like, “Yeah, dude. I was there.”
So anyway, then Mr. Eko is all hanging out in the hatch, and he’s like, “Hellooh Mistah Locke.” But Locke was all like, “MY CRACKER ASS IS GONNA TRY AND BEAT YOU WITH YOUR OWN JESUS STICK!”
And Mistah Eko was like, “I do not think so, John. I am sorry, but you are PWNED.”
And Locke was, like “DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN’T DOOOoooooo!!!!” *insert roadrunner sound effect here*
Meanwhile, Kate was like, “Aw gee whiz Dad do I gotta go?”
And Jack was all like, “Don’t make me turn this completely doomed-faux-rescue-mission around, MISSY!”
So then Sayid’s all like, “I’m just gonna stand here and be sexy for a second.” *strikes male clothing catalogue pose*
And then Desmond is all like, “YO HO, YO HO! A PIRATE’S LIFE FOR…YAR! Yar Brothah!” *brandishes cutlass*
And he was all, “I’ve had a drinkin’ problem since the war. YARRR!”
And then Damon Lindeloff is all like, “And this is what juxtaposition means, children!” *cue music for “The More You Know…”*
So Desmond is all like, “I AM ADORABLE.”
So Libby is all like, “You certainly are. RAWR.”
And the Desmond was all like, “I am so damn THIRSTY all the time! I haven’t stopped drinkin’ once since the start of the episode.”
So back in the jungle, Sawyer is all like, “Kate and Jaaaack sittin in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N…”
But then Kate was all like, “We got caught in a net, you dumbass.”
And before any witty innuendo-filled banter could occur, Hurley was all like, “OMGWTF THAT BIRD SAID HUUUUGGGGOOO!!!”
And then Sawyer was like, “Jesus Hurley Christ, you are crazy, Stay Puft!”
So then Charlie happens upon Locke shedding EMO TEARS in the jungle, and Locke is all like “Boo hoo Mr. Eko bitchslapped me and now I’m gonna cry about it.”
And Charlie is all like, “Stop being such a twat, Locke. Your deliciously piratey hatch man is back.”
And Locke was all, “O RLY?”
And Charlie was all, “YA RLY!”
And Sayid was all like, “NO GIRLS ALLOWED!” And Sun was all like, “YeahKTHNXBYE.”
And Jin was all like, “BWAH?”
And then he was all like, “Hey, she won’t even keep her SHIRT BUTTONED anymore. Ha ha oh, women. I tell ya!”
So then Desmond (DRINKING!!!) is all like, *hiccup* “Fancy a shag, lassie?” *hiccup*
And then flashback Desmond’s all like, “I’ve done some male clothing catalogues too.”
And then he’s all like, “WTF kind of name is PEN? No…sorry, darling I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
So Locke goes to find his apparent BFF Desmond, and he finds him (DRINKING!!!) and he’s all like, “BOX MAAAAN!!!”
And Locke is all like, “HATCH MAAAAAAN!!!!!!
And then John Lennon is all like “EGG MAAAAAAN!!!”
And so Locke is all like, “I had to let Frodo go. It was time.”
And Desmond is all like, “So then the Fellowship has failed! It was all for naught!”
But then Locke is all, “Not as long as we hold true to each other. LET’S GO HUNT SOME ORC!!!” *flits away*
