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Lost Recap: Season 2 Finale Part III

June 6th, 2006 § 0

If you may remember, Locke and Desmond had been locked in the hatch for some time.

“Desmond, have you ever seen a grown man naked?”

“Uh…what did you say?”

“I said, Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

“Riiiiiiiiight…”

“That’s what I thought you said…”

And then Sayid was like, “Psst!! Do not forget about me, ladies. I am glistening and flexing in the sun. See you next season.” *flits away with gun*

Meanwhile in the jungle, Walt’s rescue party had found something…

“I don’t know what this is…something about…a hot Scottish guy….and Mama Cass…”

And Sawyer was all, “Whoa, whoa Freckles – you mean Keith Richards back there? No way he’s hotter than me.”

And then Michael was like, “I don’t know man, I think that Desmond guy was pretty hot…for…you know, for a dude…” *laughs nervously*

But then Jack was like, “Guuuyyyyssss….?”

And Sawyer was like, “ZOMFG I’M DED!! THE OTHERS KILLED ME DED!!”

And Jack was like, “ZOMG NOOO!! THE LOVE TRIANGLE!!!!”

And then he was all, “I AM GOING TO KICK SOME OTHERS’ ASS!!!!”

So he throws Kate over his shoulder, and promises himself he will never let this love triangle fail. NEVER!!!!!!

So back in the hatch, Desmond is all like, “JOHN! BROTHAH! For the last time, I’m not going to practice kissing with yooo!!!!!!”

And Locke was all, “FINE THEN!!! I DIDN’T WANT YOU ANYWAY!!!”

And flashback Desmond was like, “Something fishy is goin’ on with Clancy Brown…”

And Clancy Brown was like, “See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!!! SO LONG, SUCKER!!!”

And Desmond thought, “If I could only figure out what is goin’ on…”

So he follows Clancy to the shore, and he sees his boat, and he’s like, “YOO SON OF AH BITCH!”

“I’LL MURDER YAH, YAH SWINE!!!”

And he seized Clancy by the jumpsuit, and was like, “I KNEW IT WAS YOU, FREDO! YOU BROKE MAH HEART!!!”

And then he was all like, KARATE CHOP MUTHAFUCKAHHH!!!! *fisticuffs*

And Clancy got real dead, real quick. And Desmond was like, “UGGGHHH!!!! AH HAVE SPILLED THE BLOOD OF ANOTHER MAAAN!!!”

So then he says to Locke, he says, “Ah think my karate chop action crashed your plane…”

And Locke is all, “BWUUHHH!!???”

So Jack’s little plan to save the love triangle failed, and they were captured by the Others. And they were like, “WTF a Dock???? Shouldn’t we have noticed this?”

And Michael was all like, *POUTING*

And Kate was all like, “MMMRGGG RRRMMMMNN ROOOWWRRR”

And then everyone was all, “Who’s in the boat!?”

And Michael was all like, “YOUUUUU!!!!????” And Henry Gale was all like, “What, you didn’t expect this?”

And Michael was like, “Me? No. I think missed those episodes.”

“I expected it.”

“Yeah, so did I.”

Back in the hatch, things were heating up…

“I’M TELLING YOU, BROTHAH!!! I CRASHED YOUR PLANE!!!”

And Locke was all like, *YELLLINNNGGG!!!!*

So flashback Desmond was like, “Christ! I haven’t had a drink in 4 minutes!”

And he was like, “A letter? In this book? Is this…what I…think it…”

“OH NOOO! Lindeloff! How could you use such a cheesy plot device???” *emo tears*

And he thought all was LOST! (HAHA GET IT!? LOST!) [/horrendous joke]

But then he was like, “Merlin’s Beard!”

“There is a strange man beating on mah window and crying his own emo tears!!! Oh Happy Day!!!”

And Locke was all, “I wasn’t crying. I was beating the hatch in a very manly way. And beating my chest.”

And Desmond was like, “NO, YOU WERE CRYIN, BROTHAH!! AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!”

And then Locke was all, “Desmond….I’m….sor…”

And Desmond goes, “Box man, love means never havin’ tah say you’re sorry!”

And then the counter was like, “PWNED!!!!!”

And Charlie was like, “I know I only weigh 89 pounds, I’m going to save you, Mistah Ekooo!!!”

And everything started going totally CRAZY!!!!!!!!

And Locke was like, “OHHHH SNAP!!!!”

AND THE COUNTER WAS ALL LIKE, “DOUBLE PWNED!!!!1!!!!1”

AND LOCKE WAS LIKE, “I FUCKED UP!!!!!!”

AND EKO WAS LIKE, “WHERE IS MY JESUS STICK WHEN I NEED IT!?”

AND DESMOND WAS LIKE, “SEE YOU IN THE NEXT LIFE…SELF.”

AND HENRY WAS LIKE, “I AM SO WICKED!!!!!”

AND MISS CLEO WAS LIKE, “GAHHH!!!!”

AND JIN WAS LIKE, “UDDERS?”

So then we had no idea what happened to Charlie, Eko, Locke and Desmond!!! But then Charlie comes wandering out to the beach, and he’s like, ‘I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!”

And Claire was like, “How YOU doin?”

And Charlie was all thinking, Man, I really look like a hobbit right now…wait a tick! Is Claire looking at me like that!? Bow chick a BOW WOW!!!

And back on the dock, Michael was having some issues…

“Wait a minute, dude – you said you wouldn’t hurt them!”

And everyone was like, “Yeah, hi.”

And Henry Gale was like, “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve made myself clear.”

And Michael was like, “Jigga wah?!”

And Henry whispered, “You are officially pwned, bitch!”

And walt was like, “DAAAADDD!!!” and Michael was all, “MAHHH BOYYY!!!”

And Hurley was like, “Dude I think I’m gonna cry!”

But then the Others were like, “Hugo, run along.”

And Michael was all like, “Heh…uh, my bad!!!”

And Jack, Kate, and Sawyer, were all like *GRRRRRR*

And Jack, still worried over the crumbling of the love triangle was like, Waiiiit….I have….a….plan….

And he was like, “Kate, look at me in a longing way…and act like you know something!”

And Kate was like, “I…know…something?”

And Sawyer was like, “Freckles are you givin’ Doc eyes!?”

And the love triangle was saved!! And all rejoiced.

So back on the beach, Charlie was all like, “You know, I’ve seen the script. We’re supposed to make out with each other now.” And Claire was like, “Silly Charlie…I was already going to do that.”

And Charlie was thinking, OH MY GOD SHE FELL FOR IT!

And they were all like, *KISSY* and the whole audience was all like, AWWWWWWW!!!

And Charlie was all giggling like a schoolgirl.

And so there are these two guys on a plane…

And one of them totally looks like a nerdy Russian version of Jack, and he all gets on the phone and is like, “There has been a disturbance in the force!”

And Pen is all like, “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! shit! No shit!”

And the whole audience was like, *DIEZ AND IZ DED*

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