Lost Recap: All of Season 3

May 20th, 2007 § 9 comments


So it all started with some blonde chick who was upset because she couldn’t make muffins or something and we felt bad for her and we were like, “Aw, poor woman, don’t worry about your muffins!”

But then it was like WAIT OMGWTF SHE IS AN OTHER!? And Henry Gale was there and they were in Otherville and we were all like ;lakjdfl;akjsdfl;kjaslkd and we decided we didn’t like her very much, despite her muffin problems.

So then the first moment of the whole goddamn season we see Jack and GUESS WHAT HE’S DOING??? And he was all like “Boo hoo my wife doesn’t like it when I stalk her ;____;”

And then Zeke was all like, “FAAAABULOUS!” Oh, btw I’m not the bad guy lolz, and Kate was like “…”

So then Jack was all like WAHHHH I AM A GIANT DOUCHEBAG! And his dad was like “It runs in the family, son.”

So then Henry Gale is all like, “…and then I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti pfftpfftpfftpfft.” And then he’s like “Bacon, dear?”

So then all the Skate people were like, “Hm I wonder how this season is going to play out, I mean Kate and Jack and Sawyer are all captured…TOGETHER.” And then Jack was like, eating sandwiches or some shit in a tank, and then Sawyer is all like HOW YOU DOIN?

And Kate’s just like “oooooomg he is so hot I want to lick him” and we’re all like ;lkajlkfjaskljflksad

So then all the Skate people are like OH SO THAT’S HOW IT’S GONNA BE THIS SEASON, HUH?

And then Damon and Carlton were like YES OMG and they squeed and we squeed and everyone was happy, except the people who think Jate is Fate LOLOL. And then there was much talk about fish biscuits and strawberries.

So then Alex is all like HAI GUYS! And we were like OMG ALEX! But then she was kind of a bitch and we were like “Ew, Alex.”

And then there was this Pickett dude who was all like sadistic and pissy and a total bastard and we were like PICKETT LEAVE SAWYER ALONE. And also apparently he hung out with Michael’s old stunt double and that guy was all like “…walt!1!”

So then Jack is like “That’s why the Sox will never win the series” and Benry is just like LOL YOU ARE PWNED.

And then there was some baby daddy drama and Sun’s dad was like GRRR! And Jin was like GRRR!!!!!

So then Locke had this crazy ass convo with THE ISLAND and it told him to get all effed up on goofballs!! And he saw zombie!Boone and zombie!Boone was like SEE YOU IN SEASON 7, BITCHES!

And we were like OMG CUTEST FAMILY OF TINY BLONDES EVER!!

And then it was like OMGWTFACTUALPOLARBEAR WHAT THE SHIT!? And the polar bear was all like “IMMA EAT CHOO MISTAH EKO!”

So then Desmond pops up (lol) naked in the jungle and Hurley’s all like IS THAT HAGGIS IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME, DUDE? And Desmond’s like AYE OCH BROTHAH I CAN SEE THE FEWCHAH! Now get me a tie-dye dress!

And then women all over the world spontaneously orgasm when Benry straps Sawyer to a table. It will go down in history books as the Orgasm Heard Round the World.

So meanwhile Benry has got Sawyer, and he’s all torturing him with bunnies and stuff, and he’s like, “btw we’re on the other island.” And Sawyer is like O_o and Benry’s like, “Oh, you mean I forgot to mention there were two islands?” And we’re all like O_O

And then Benry’s just like MWA HA HA!!! *cough* Wormtail, kill the spare!

And then Juliet is all like, “Omg help me plz, Benry is a madman and I want you to kill him mmkay?” And we were all like, “Oh so Juliet is actually good!”

And then Jack cried about it! But then he agreed because he really liked sandwiches!

And then Mistah Eko DIED and we were all like ;_____________________________; EFF YOU, SMOKEFIST OF FURY!

And then Sawyer and Kate has HOT SEXY JUNGLE CAGE!SEX AND WE WERE ALL LIKE ;LKASDF;LKASD;LFKSD;L

And then Jack cried about it!

And then Kate was all like ILU and Sawyer was like omgilu2 &hearts &hearts &hearts

And then Jack was all like MY HEMORROIDS ARE FLARING UP!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT KATE, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then Lost went off the air for 3 months.

*crickets*

So then Lost starts up again and first Juliet is all like I NEVER SAID TO KILL BENRY *nervous laugh* and then we were all like EW BITCH WE DON’T TRUST YOU!

But then she went and shot Pickett ded and we were like OKAY WAIT WE LIKE YOU…I MEAN…WE SHOULD LIKE YOU? And we were all v. confused.

So we didn’t know what the hell to think about Juliet, and then there was some room with some motivational video I think maybe Tony Robbins made it or something, and then Karl is all like THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE and they were like KARL SNAP OUT OF IT and Karl was just like REDRUM! REDRUUUM!!! And they are like KARL COME ON!! And Karl is just like @_@ And that dude from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia was all like “LOLZ CAMEO!!” and then he got pwned by Sawyer and meanwhile Karl was all like drooling and trying to eat dirt and stuff and it was kind of crazy.

And then Desmond is all like Marty McFly and goes back to the future or something, and that creepy old lady is all like E=MC2 or something, and Desmond is like whaaaaa and we were all like ‘aldskf;lksd;flsakd;l

So then Desmond is all like WTFRAK IS HAPPENING TO ME?? And we were like WE DON’T KNOW EITHER, BUT WE ARE GLAD YOU’RE NAKED AGAIN.

And so then Desmod is just like CHALEE, YOU’RE GONNA DIE! And we’re all like NOOO!!! ;_;

So then Jack is all like “I’M A VERY LIKABLE GUY” and we were all like HAHAHAHAHAHAHA *GASP* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA and then he banged Bai Ling and got some dumbass tattoo and got the shit kicked out of him by 15 year old Thai boys, and we were all loling and he was crying and we all agreed it was the worst episode of Lost ever! Thanks, Jack!

AND THEN GUESS WHAT HE DID!? LOLOLOL

So then meanwhile Hurley’s all like, “Dudes, let’s have some fun around this dump” and at first Jin was like “BWAH? NO.” but then Charlie was all like GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE!!

And then Sawyer and Jin and Hurley and Charlie were all like OOOOOOOOOOOOOOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we were all like :DDDDDDDDDDDD

And then Jin is all like OMGWTF MY FACE IS BEEENDING!! And Sawyer was all like “BUBBLES!” and Vincent was all like “YAY OMG!!!”

So then Patchy is all like HALLO and then he shot Sayid and then he’s like I LOVE LITTLE GYMNASTS AND PUSSY CATS! And also surfing the web for pornographic materials late at night via Dharma Satellite!

So then Kate is all like “We’re on the market for a roomy jungle bungalow, you selling?”

So then Locke is like “I’m bored. Hm what to do, what to do…I could…read book? Nah. Hunt some boar? Nahhh…mmmmmyeah I’m just going to start blowing shit up.” And The Flame goes up in flames! GET IT? How subtle!

So then Locke is like, maybe I’ll just blow this guy’s brain up while I’m at it, and Patchy is like, “So long suckahs!” and then blood started gushing out of his ears and it was like EW.

And then we found out that Claire used to be goth for some reason, and then we found out why she’s so bitchy! She is Jack’s little sister! And everyone had a good cry!

And then Jack and Juliet were all like “We all live on the Dharma Submarine, the Dharma Submarine, the Dharma Submarine! We all…” and then Locke was wandering by and he was all like “I’M BORED!” And we were like OH SHIT WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! And then sub was like ;LKASJDF;KSAD and Locke was all like “LOLOLZ”

And then we all agree Locke has the best daddy issues out of EVERYONE!

And then we were all like LOL DICK IN A BOX!!!

And then something about two hot people and diamonds happened and we were all like UHHHHHHHH WTF!? And Nikki was like RAZZLE DAZZLE! And we were all like…WOT!? And then they died. The end.

And then Hurley was all like “SAWYER STOP BEING A DICK” and Sawyer was like I DON’T WANNA and Hurley was like DUDE!? And Sawyer was like DUDE. And Hurley was like Duuude?? And Sawyer was like OH ALRIGHT and he started talking about wrinkly babies and we all were like ‘;salkf;asldk

So we still didn’t know what to think of Juliet, but then the Others were like LOLZ BYE, BITCH and Juliet was all like ;_; and then the male Lost writers were like GUH MUD and then we felt bad for her. But then Benry was like “What did we practice, my dear?” And then we were like OMG WE CAN’T TRUST HER EVER.

And Kate was like “Jack I came to save you mmkay?” And Jack was like “I AM A HUGE DICKFACE! And oh btw meet my new GF, she is hawt. And makes me sammiches.”

So then Kate and Jack and Juliet come back and Sawyer is like ;___; I MISSED YOU BB and we were all like ‘ADSF’;LKSDF;LSKD;LFKS;L

So then Juliet has this flashback, and we’re all like “Poor kid, she’s crawling in high heels across a dock, we feel bad for her!”

But then Juliet was like MWA HA HA and Jack was like LOL ILU and we were all like HAHAHAHA ASS.

So then Jack and Sawyer had a contest to see whose dick was bigger who was better at smacking balls around!

And then some weird chick fell out of the sky and was all like HOLA BONJOUR SHALOM ‘ELLO GUVNAH!

And then Jin was like CAM-PING! But unfortunately he didn’t know enough English to point out they are all camping EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, HELLO, THEY LIVE ON A GODDAMN BEACH.

And then Charlie was like OMGWTF I AM DED and we were all like OOOOOOOMG WHAT!? And then he was like lol j/k.

So then Desmond’s all like, “I used to be a brothah, BROTHAH!”

So now we just knew that Juliet was teh evil, but then she went and helped Sun figure out Jin was her baby daddy and we were like “Okay, she is good!” and then she went and left a tape for Benry and we were like “Okay she is bad!”

So then Patchy is all like I HAVE BEEN RESURRECTED! And Jin is like GROWLPWN!JINFU!

So Kate finds out that the chick landed on the island, and Sayid says “Whatever you do, don’t tell Jack” so naturally Kate marches right over to Jack and she’s like I CAN DO SAWYER WHENEVER I WANT AND I AM STILL FOLLOWING YOUR ASS AROUND. I MUST BE HIGH.

And then Jack is just like IF YOU THOUGHT YOU HATED ME BEFORE, WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE HOW I REACT TO THIS!

And then Sawyer was all like MY NAME IS JAMES FORD. YOU KILLED MY FATHER. PREPARE TO DIE.

And then Locke’s dad is just like x_x I AM DED

And then Locke was thinking, “Maybe he’s born with it” and then Richard turns to him and goes, “Maybe it’s Maybelline.”

And Jacob was all like BOOOGEDY BOOGEDY BOO!

So then Sirius Black Richard is like “I have an excellent plastic surgeon.”

And then Baby!Benry is like “EXPECTO PATRONUM!!” and a giant silver bunny flew out of his wand!

And then Flashback!Benry is all like “Lolz I can totally smell my own farts in this thing.”

And then Locke is just like, “I’m pretty sure…YEAH, I just shit myself.”

And then Charlie was writing this thing, and it was like, “To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death.

P.S. That threesome fecking RULED.”

And then Jack was like, “I HAVE A PLAN. IT INVOLVES USING HALF OUR TNT FOR A DRAMATIC AND ESSENTIALLY POINTLESS EXPLOSION TO SHOW HOW BRAVE I AM.”

And all we have left is next week, a 2 hour Jackback which promises to be full of Jears and AWESOMELY HORRIBLE FACES!!! HUZZAH!!!!!!

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§ 9 Responses to Lost Recap: All of Season 3"

  • Kaetlin Debernardey says:

    thats frickin hilarious

  • Richard Neva says:

    The pictures were great but the dialogue sucked big time. This is one of the few good ABS serial shows, why screw it up? Whatever blows your hair back I guess.

  • N says:

    It’s sooo funny cause it’s true

  • Richard Neva needs to sing the Alphabet Song a few times before commenting next time.

    Best 2 parts of this recap:

    So then Jack is all like “I’M A VERY LIKABLE GUY” and we were all like HAHAHAHAHAHAHA *GASP* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA and then he banged Bai Ling and got some dumbass tattoo and got the shit kicked out of him by 15 year old Thai boys, and we were all loling and he was crying and we all agreed it was the worst episode of Lost ever! Thanks, Jack!

    and

    and then Locke was wandering by and he was all like “I’M BORED!” And we were like OH SHIT WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

    Love it. Love it. Keep it up.

  • ILUVCHAARLIEE says:

    THATS AWESOME!!!

  • mercy says:

    this was horrible :(

  • NachoKingP says:

    And then Locke was thinking, “Maybe he’s born with it” and then Richard turns to him and goes, “Maybe it’s Maybelline.”

    Has to be the funniest line EVER!!!!

  • JS says:

    this goes good with re-watch

  • Vikki Bazzano says:

    LMAO..Locke has the best daddy issues out of everyone! i’m never gonna be able to see that scene again without laughing. i’m actually doing a LOST re-watch (watching with a friend who is a newbie) so alot of these little jokes are going through my mind now when i see some of these things in a whole new comical way. My friend keeps wondering why i’m laughing alot! LOST, we just never realized how funny it could be LOL

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