Lost Recap 1×03: Tabula Rasa

August 19th, 2007 § 2 comments


Previously on Lost: The Losties have crashed on the island and have heard the French transmission. Jack is taking care of super Bloody Guy.

So at first we see Jack and he’s trying to remember how to knot stitches to fix Bloody Guy and he’s like, “Build a teepee…come inside…” *fumbles* “Build a teepee…come inside…close it tight so we can hide…over the mountain…and over we go…”*fumbles* “DAMN!”

And the bloody guy is just like, “…you sure you know what you’re doing?”

And Jack’s like *humming Enrique Iglesias song* “TOTALLY! …so hey, what do you think the deal is with those handcuffs? I bet that blonde guy Sawyer is a fugitive, he is just a SUCH like a tool. But you know who’s a total babe? That cutie petootie Kate. She’s is like, SO awesome and stuff…”

And then Bloody Guy is like, “LOLZ POCKET” *death rattle*

And Jack’s like, “Don’t be silly, silly!! What’s in your pock…”

“N’awwww!”

Meanwhile up on the mountain, Sayid is entertaining everyone with the Fire Twirling he learned that summer he spent wearing hemp peasant blouses and calling himself The Journeyman.

And Sawyer is like, “Despite my rough exterior, I too believe in peace and kindness toward our fellow man.”

And Boone was like, “WOW RLY? ME TOO!”

But Kate was like, “Damn hippies!!! Wait a second…I feel a flashback coming on…”

She’s at some Australian dude’s farm, and she’s all like, IM IN UR HOUSE, EATIN UR EGGZ!1!!!

And this guy Ray is just like, “HELL OF A MORTGAGE!!!” and we’re like, “Does he mean he pays a mortgage?” and he’s like “YAH I GOT A HELL OF A MORTGAGE!”

Back on the island Sayid is telling everyone about that time he followed Widespread Panic for like 6 years back in the day.

“And this one time, we borrowed Trey Anastasio’s bong!!”

Kate: So we’re not telling all of those ~*morons*~ but I want to tell you because I totally trust you and stuff even though I’ve known you for like 24 hours. We heard…a transmission. Some crazy French chick. She’s been stuck here for 16 years!

Jack: Awesome! BTW do you have anything else to tell me? Anything about…handcuffs?

Kate: *knees him in the balls* “PERV!”

Jack: “LOLZ JOKE’S ON YOU!!1! I DON’T HAVE BALLS!! YOU CAN’T HURT ME!” and then he snapped his fingers and started strutting around the beach, shaking his hips.

Hurley sees this going on and he’s just like, “Shake that ass, Doc!!! Watch yo’self! Show me what you workin’ with!”

And Jack’s like, “My ass is magnificent!”

“By the way, Kate’s a hardened criminal!”

So Hurley’s kind of freaked out over this new information, and he runs into Kate, and he’s like “Hey….nice lady…you um…doin okay?”

And Kate’s like “I’m very well, thank you! What a nice person!”

And then Hurley crapped his pants and ran away.

So a while later Kate goes in to give Bloody Guy butterfly kisses when no one is looking, but he wakes up and he’s like “MAKE OUT WITH ME YOU TEASE!!!” and we’re all like, “Who the HELL does this Bloody Guy think he IS??”

And then we get another flashback, and the Bloody Guy is like “AYYYYYYYY!!!!!” and then we understand he thinks he is The Fonz!

Kate: Ohhh, fudge.
Ray: …MORTGAGE!
Kate: …
Ray: Annie are you okay? Are you okay, Annie? Annie are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?
Kate: My name’s not Annie. You’ve been struck by a smooth criminal. *HEROIC ESCAPE*

And then Jack and Sawyer have a staring contest!!

And then Locke fashions a dog whistle out of his mom’s vibrator using some chicken wire and shit!

Kate: I want to tell you what I did.
Audience: YES PLZ
Jack: I don’t want to know.
Kate: But I just really want to tell you.
Jack: Nah.
Kate: But I mean it will only take me like 3 seconds to tell you.
Jack: *gets up and leaves*
Audience: *rips out hair*

And then we get our first Lost musical montage! Where no matter what happened in the episode, someone hands out food, people who do not get along actually get along, and everything is peachy keen and fantastico! They will also always include:

Babies

And family members and/or animals bonding in very cute, montagey ways.

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§ 2 Responses to Lost Recap 1×03: Tabula Rasa"

  • Lostie says:

    Kate: *knees him in the balls* “PERV!”

    Jack: “LOLZ JOKE’S ON YOU!!1! I DON’T HAVE BALLS!! YOU CAN’T HURT ME!” and then he snapped his fingers and started strutting around the beach, shaking his hips.

    haha my favorite part ever!!! your a genius miss ack!

  • Linnea says:

    THIS IS HILARIOUS. MORTAGE.

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