Lost Recap 1×04: Walkabout

September 16th, 2007 § 2 comments

So it’s a flashback to the crash, and Locke’s laying on the ground and he’s like, “LOL wiggly toes” and we’re like, “Uhhh…wot?”

Meanwhile back on the island, fisticuffs have broken out over the dwindling food supply. Everyone’s looking at Hurley, and they’re all like “‘Kill the pig! Cut his throat! Kill the pig! Bash him in!’” And Hurley’s like NO, DUDES! WE CAN FIND STUFF TO EAT! And they’re all like, “BUT HOW CAN WE DO THAT!?”

And then this crazy knife comes whizzing out of nowhere and Locke’s just like, “WE HUNT!”

And Jack’s just like, “Oooooh girl, you so CRAZY!” with his little neckerchief on, and then he’s like, “Okay, Locke, Kate, and Michael go and hunt. You people do this thing and you people do this thing and you all must listen to me!”

So then Claire is like, “Hey brother, I found some stuff on the plane from some dead people, maybe you can have a service for them, seeing as you are our leader and stuff…”

And Jack’s just like, “Okay ONE, I don’t do god, okay? And TWO, I am NOT your leader, I don’t know where you are getting this idea fr…NO, KATE I SAID YOU GO WITH LOCKE, SAYID STAY HERE!…what was I saying? Oh yeah, NOT UR LEADER, LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Meanwhile Boone’s getting on Shannon’s case because she won’t help anyone do anything! And he’s all like, “CATCH SOME FISH, SHAN” and she’s all, “NO PROB, BOO.”

And she immediately goes to the VH-1 has-been section of the island, and she’s all like, “Hey babeh, want to get some sushi? I know a great place right by the water.”

And while this is going on, Kate, Locke, and Michael are following Jack’s orders and going out to hunt some boar. It becomes abundantly clear that Locke has lots of experience in the wild, tracking and hunting.

But then we see him in flashback form, and he’s all like, “I’M A COLONEL, NOT A BOX MAN!” and Randy’s like, “YOU CAN’T DO IT, OLD MAN!” Little do we know, that phrase is Locke’s cryptonite! And he’s like “DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN’T DO, WEENIE!” and then he continues his game of Stratego.

Then we get to see Hurley and Charlie trying to catch a fish in A Comical Fashion! At one point Charlie accidentally pokes Hurley in the eye with the stick and Hurley says, “WOO WOO WOO” and runs around in circles.

So while Claire is going through people’s stuff she finds these professionally shot portraits of some chick, and it’s got Sayid’s name on it! So she gives them to him and he is v. happy.

“Ah, Nadia. How I long to hold and torture you once again, and how I long for your scent, your warm embrace, and your uncanny ablility to get to me to inflict gunshot wounds on myself. Sigh.”

Then in the flashback, we see John, and he’s like, “What are you wearing? Yeah?” *long pause* “Call me Dundee! Call me Dundee, whore!”

Then on their hunting trip, Michael is just like, “BOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!1111!!!!!1!!!!!ONE!!!!!1″ and him and Kate decide to go back to the beach.

But then Locke is just like, “I can catch this boar on my own,” and Kate’s like, “You can’t do that,” and Locke’s just like *CRYPTONITE* a;lsekja.sd;lkfj *runs away with big knife in hand*

Then Michael and Kate make their way back to the beach and Walt’s like, “OH MAH GOOOOOD!!!!!! DAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!1!!!!!!” and Michael’s like, “MAH BOOOOY!”

Once they were finished comically tripping over one another’s feet in fast forward, Charlie and Hurley come back to the beach. Charlie goes to give Shannon the fish, and Boone’s like, “Dreadful sorry, old chap! This was but a clever ruse!” So Charlie looked at the camera and it went, *WAH WAH WAHHHHH*

So then Jack’s all like, “I AM CRUSHING YOUR HEAD! CRUSH CRUSH CRUSH!” and then out of the corner of his eye he sees…

A dude in a suit! And the guys is like LOLZ I AM IN UR JUNGLE LOOKIN LIKE DALI PAINTINGZ!

And Jack’s just like, “I….am slowly slipping into madness!” and he runs into the jungle, looking for that dude in the suit, but who does he stumble onto but…

Locke! And he’s dragging a dead animal carcass! And the we’re all like, “Wow, he really can do it!” but then we’re like, “but wait how come he was all wiggling his toes and why was that Randy guy so mean to him!?”

And then they show him wiggling his toes again, and we’re all like OMG WAIT THIS OBVS MEANS SOMETHING CRAZY!!!!

And then the flashback comes and all of the sudden some dude is like “YOU CANNOT DO THIS WALKABOUT” and Locke is just like *CRYPTONITE OMFG* but then the camera pans out and HE’S IN A FREAKING WHEELCHAIR!!!!!!! AND WE’RE ALL LIKE OMFG!;LASKJLKFJASDLK;JFSDLK@!

And then they show him on the day of the crash again and he’s wiggling his toes and he’s standing up and it’s just like OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!! THE ISLAND IS MAGIC! AND THAT SONG FROM CHARIOTS OF FIRE IS PLAYING AND LOCKE’S ALL LIKE, “I HAVAH BEENAH SAAAAVEDAH!”

And we all looked like this: :O

The end.

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