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Battlestar Galactica: The Frakking Eulogy

March 18th, 2009 § 37

After a magnificent run, Battlestar Galactica’s last episode will be airing this Friday. In an attempt to give it a proper send-off (and to help me grieve *sniff*), I have written an ode to commemorate its passing into the annals of television history. It begins with some of random moments from the series, and concludes with the internet equivalent of…well, a giant hug.

I’ll remember to keep my day job.

The Cylons were created by man.
They attacked, and we lost, and then ran.
But we’re less absolved than they are evolved –

We lost most of the human race,
The rest of us are out floating in space,
But all hope is not lost, we’ve got a good boss –
Not to mention that ace Kara Thrace.

You seem like a brash young cadet,
But don’t act like we’ve never met,
Don’t be a snob – YOU’RE Skinjob –
We just haven’t switched you on yet!

She’d do anything to protect her flock,
Don’t matter if you’re a toaster or a Viper jock,
If Roslin thinks you’re a spy, kiss life goodbye –
Because you’re SO getting tossed out the airlock.

He’s a man that has constantly lied to us.
Which is stronger – his brain or his penis?
Despite his big head, I’d jump in his bed –
You can’t deny Mr. Nice Gaius!

They kept the Hybrid confined,
Cause she bridged the gap between real and divine,
She told us a slew while covered in goo –
dot dot dot END OF LINE.

Perhaps it is his boyish charm,
Or that he saved Kara from that Farm.
What makes us say DAMN when we see Sam?
I personally think it’s his ARMS.

We loved his freckled, mop-topped head,
He didn’t do what he thought, but what he felt instead.
He took a bullet for Dee, even though she was frakking Lee –
Oh Billy, I’m so sad you’re dead! ;_;

Your wife is a robot, your kid is half Toaster,
Your life has been like a roller coaster.
And despite all the pain, you’ve somehow stayed sane –
You’re the most noble guy ever, Mister!

There’s this guy in a field named Apollo,
Who’s standing buck naked and bellows,
“I’ll tell you to your face – I LOOOVE KAAAAARA THRACE –
And I don’t care who frakking knows!”

Starbuck wants to avoid drama,
And not let this night cause much trauma,
But after that kiss? In her post-coital bliss?

There once was a vicious attack,
That made Tigh’s eye socket go black,
But if he’s Final Five, and if Ellen’s alive –
Then how come it can’t grow right back?

Leland Adama was incredibly buff,
Until life on the Pegasus got kind of rough,
“My waist is so thick that I can’t see my dick!”
Thank god Daddy Bill screamed “ENOUGH!!!”

For 2,000 years we survived,
We few, the Final Five.
We all got the power when we heard the Watchtower
Without us, you’d not be alive.

There was once a Chief named Tyrol,
Who was truly a man of the people,
Until the day came when everything changed –
And the human race became his rival.

He was once the head of command,
But now I doubt he can stand,
He hit the bottle so hard that his liver’s in shards –
Even Tigh thinks that he’s out of hand!

She survived losing her Caprican home,
And her shiny foes made of chrome,
But thanks to her sickness, she’s totally hairless –
I really hate seeing her dome.

Of all the ways to go,
On this fraktastic show,
Seeing Cally’s dead face floating in space –
Tickled me more than you know.

BSG, the show with balls,
From the vaccuum of space to the fields of Kobol,
What an amazing ship, what an amazing trip –


Thank the Lords of Kobol for giving us Galactica,
The pilots and the Cylons and the men of Caprica

Thank the gods for showing us the error of our ways,
The way we expected robots to work without a break for days,
Now we know to treat them all with tender loving care,
Because the humans and the Cylons can really make a lovely pair.

Thanks for Laura Roslin, who’s got some steely balls,
And is still willing to admit to some of her bigger shortfalls.

Thanks for the Admiral Adama, despite his totem-pole face,
He made us feel both warm and safe out here in the cold space.

Thanks to Lee Adama for defending the whole fleet,
And crashing Pegasus to bits when we thought that we were beat.

Thank the gods for Kara Thrace, our fearless chosen one freak,
Who’d choose bullets over lipstick any frakking day of the week.
She’s saved our asses from the Cylons more than all else combined,
So despite being a zombie, she’s a gift to all mankind.

Thanks for Doctor Baltar’s scientific contributions,
Which have gotten the whole fleet out of some sticky situations.

Thanks to Helo Agathon for always being a good friend,
And standing by his toaster wife until the very end.

Thank chain smoking Doctor Cottle for patching up our battle wounds,

Thanks for all the tiny tank tops that cause us all to swoon.

Thanks for making a good person out of that old bastard Tigh,
Thanks for the Quorom, and those Raiders’ shadows in the sky.

Thanks for Kara and Lee boxing, thanks for Bill and Saul’s bromance,
Thanks for putting Gaius Baltar in a drug-fueled psycho trance.

Thanks to Galen Tyrol for giving wings to Diana Seelix,
Thanks to Mr. Hoshi for finally giving some to Felix.

Thanks to Ellen and Saul Tigh for always knowing how to rally,
Thanks to Hot Dog Costanza for impregnating Private Cally.

Thanks to Racetrack, Skulls and Jammer, Narcho, Duck and Jo-Jo,
Thanks to Flat-Top, Kat and Chuckles, Crashdown, Shark, and Gonzo.

Thanks for Lampkin and his kitty,
Thanks for making Cavil witty.

Thanks for making many copies, and for Baltar’s pretend friends,
Thanks for the FTL drive and attempted murder with a pen.

Thanks for the C-Bucks, Raptors, and the bar named Joe’s,
Thanks for filling Baltar’s cult with a bunch of major hoes.

Thanks for nuggets and for toasters and for “Start having babies,”
Thanks for making sure this show made it past 1980.

Thanks for Zarek, thanks for Hera,
Thanks for Starbuck’s big mandala.

Thank the Lords of Kobol for the melody of life,
That lifted people up from all the danger and the strife.

Thanks for Vipers, the Centurions, and Athena’s tomb,
Thanks for finally showing Roslin staying in Adama’s room.

Thank the Lords of Kobol for unboxing Number Three,
Who saw the faces of the Five and knew insanity.

Thanks for Doral, thanks for Simon, thanks for Cavil, Boomer too,
Thanks for letting us see Number Six in that big tub of goo.

Thanks for Leoben and his crazy, wacko lines,
That creeped us out and made us think all at the same time.

Thank gods for Elosha, Kobol, seers, and chamalla,
Thanks for splitting up the pair of Apollo and Dualla.

Thanks to the Arrow of Apollo for pointing us to home,
Even if that now we’ve seen it we’d prefer to roam.

Thanks for Bear McCreary’s perfect, haunting score,
That stirred our hearts and always left us wanting more.
Thanks for “A Promise to Return,” “Allegro,” and “Shape of Things to Come,”
Thanks for “Roslin and Adama,” “Precipice,” and POUNDY DRUMS!

Thanks to Katee, Jamie, Mary, Rehka, James and Grace and EJO,
Trucco, Lucy, Aaron, Michael, Tahmoh, Tricia, and Allessandro.

Thank you writers, thank you crew,
Thank you producers and directors too.

Thank the Lords of Kobol for giving us Galactica,
The pilots and the Cylons and the men of Caprica.

And now just like a dying star, we’ll watch our show go supernova,
It was frakking gorgeous while it lasted….but sadly, now it’s ovah. ;_;





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