Lost Recap: All of Season 1

January 8th, 2008 § 16 comments

Okay so this dude he like wakes up laying in a jungle and he’s like UMMM OMGWTF JUST HAPPENED??

And then he’s like OMG WAIT I’M GONNA BE SICK and then he’s all like *PUKEZ*

So he’s like running and it’s like WHOA PLANE CRASH and then all this stuff is EXPLODING AND STUFF!@

And then Hurley’s like HI I’M THE FAT GUY and Claire’s like OH HAII I’M THE PREGNANT GIRL

And Charlie’s like HI I’M ON DRUGZ

And Boone’s like HI I’M THE HOT ONE

And Kate’s like HI I’M THE…GIRL

And Jack’s like HI I’M THE FANCY SCHMANCY DOCTOR

And Sawyer’s like HI I’M THE TOUGH GUY WHO IS RIDICULOUSLY GOOD LOOKING

And then there was this BIG NOISE and everyone was kind of like UMMM T-REX? And Walt was like, …VINCENT?

And then Locke was like HI I’M THE WEIRD GUY

And then TV’s Greg Grunberg was like “Hi, I’m TV’s Greg Grunberg” and then he was kind of turned into that stuff they dump in the ocean to attract sharks. I.E. BLOODY/GUTSY

So then Shannon’s like HI I’M THE BITCH

And then Sun’s like HI I’VE NEVER HEARD OF THE WOMEN’S LIB MOVEMENT

And then JIn is like THAT IS BECAUSE I WOULD NOT LET YOU HEAR OF IT

And Sayid’s just like HELP HELP I AM BEING REPRESSED

But Hurley was just come DUDES!? COME ON DUDES. And Everyone calmed down.

And then Michael and Walt were like *getting to know you, getting to know all about youuu*

And then Sawyer like…killed a polar bear and that was ummm KIND OF CRAZY, RIGHT?!!! IDEK

And then everyone hears the French Lady and we all are like OH HI GOOSEBUMPS WTF. IT KILLED THEM ALL!

And then Kate’s like I’M GOOD. AND ALSO BAD. I AM V. COMPLEX.

Then Locke was just like PRAISE-AH JESUS-AH! I AM HEALED!

And then we found out Jack was…in touch with his emotional side.

And then Sawyer was like I DON’T HAVE AN EMOTIONAL SIDE. JUST HOT ABS AND A KILLER TAN.

So then Sun was all like, “I NO SPEAK-A EEN-GLASE!” but then she was like lolz bro just yankin yer chainz.

And then Charlie was like DOES ANYONE HAVE A VELVET UNDERGROUND ALBUM LAYING AROUND? I WANT TO GO…SIT UNDER A TREE FOR A WHILE. But Locke was like, “Just say no” and Charlie was like, “…NO!…oh wait, I see what you’ve done there, well done.”

So then Sawyer’s like …I ENJOY BEING NAKED and we were all like THANK GOD.

So anyway Sawyer is feeling all guilty about being such an asshole and Sayid wasn’t feeling like ENOUGH of an asshole, so he tied him up to a tree and PWNED HIM WITH HIS MAD TORCHA SKILLZ.

…which eventually made Sayid all emo and stuff, but it’s okay because he went and found the French lady, who was loco en la cabeza, or should I say fou dans la tête?

And so in this flashback this psychic guy’s telling Claire her BABEH is evil or something and he’s like, “Leave on this jet plane…I know you won’t be back again…btw, pack some peanut butter.”

Then Locke found this hatch thingy and Boone was like, “RED SHIRTS ALWAYS DIE. Good thing this guy isn’t wearing a red shirt!” And we were like lol sry Booney.

And then Jack cried.

And then Ethan was like IM IN UR CAMPS, STEALIN UR PREGGOS.

…and then Jack was like LEGGO MY PREGGO! And then he cried some more.

Then Kate was like, “You wanna go for a dive and pry open my box?”

*gets nekkid*

That wasn’t a euphemism, retard.

Meanwhile Sayid was like, “Do you know who I am? I don’t know how to put this…but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.”

And Shannon was like, “DO ME ON THAT RAINBOW!”

So then Kate’s like MY NAME’S NOT ABBIE and we were like OH SHIZZ and then we were like, CHRIST ON A CRACKER SHE ROBBED A BANK…FOR A FRAKKIN…TOY PLANE? NOT ON.

Locke: I did find it odd when you said you were in love with her. She’s married you know.

Boone: Yeah.

Locke: And she’s your sister.

Boone: Adopted.

And then Michael’s ex was like, “ummm…I don’t know how to say this, but I’m gonna take your boy…right outta your hands…” and Michael was like, “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I want it burned into my memory. Has a nice ring to it.”

Then after being missing for a while Claire wanders back to the beach and she’s mumbling to herself and she’s covered in what’s looks like afterbirth and she can’t remember a damn thing!

And Charlie was trying to make her remember all those misty water-colored meeeeemories of the way they were. (He was getting close to first base with this chick and then she conveniently forgets? NO WAY BRO.)

…so naturally he shoots Ethan.

Who diez and iz ded.

And then Sawyer wore his blue shirt. And all rejoiced.

Then he shot this dude who was supposedly the ~*real Sawyer*~ but then he like…wasn’t and all because now we know the ACTUAL real Sawyer was too busy IN UR JOHN LOCKES STEALIN UR KIDNEEZ.

And then Sun was just like IF YOU DON’T KNOW ME BY NOW, YOU WILL NEVER EVER EVER KNOW ME. OOOOOOOH.

And Jin was like, “…boat?”

So then Hurley’s talking to this crazy Connect-Four-playin’ motha, and he’s like 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42!!!!!1!!!lksd;sd

And Hurley’s all, “Dude, what’s with the numbers?” and the guy’s like, “THEY ARE CURSED OMG” and Hurley’s like, “Coolio, I’m gonna go play the lottery now. Laterz”

So THEN things start to get REALLY CRAZY!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!

BOONE’S ALL “THERESA FALLS UP THE STAIRS THERESA FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS” AND WE’RE ALL LIKE ;ASF;’ADK;F;LDS

And then Locke’s dad like…stole his kidneys!! So Locke goes and squishes Boone like a bug!!!

AND THEN! AND THEN OMG!

AND THEN BOONE IS LIKE, “MOOORE WEEEEIGHT” and Jack’s like, “Are you quoting the fucking CRUCIBLE? Arthur Miller is so overrated…” and during the ensuing 20-minute rant about how no one can make Pilgrims cool, Boone slipped off this mortal coil, and we were like ;_;

And then Jack cried some more.

But then Claire finally had her BABEH!

And everyone was like :DDDD except Shannon cause like…you know. No more boning Boone.

So naturally everyone’s like, YO LOCKE WTF, MATE? And he’s like…

Uhhh…he fell down some stairs?

…..

Skiing accident?


……

…attacked by…Death….Eaters?

…..

…I’m an asshole.

So then Kate…sorta accidentally gets her old BFF killed.

And meanwhile everyone on the island is erecting (nooch) this raft, and everyone’s like NO I CALL SHOTGUN and it gets kinda hairy.

So then Sawyer’s out in the jungle getting nice and naked again, and he’s like “So…your papa was a rolling stone?”

And Jack’s like, “Yeah…well, wherever he laid his hat was his home.”

“And when he died…all he left you was…alone?”

*weeps*

So this raft thingy is ready to go and Sayid’s like, “Okay guys, I have constructed this complicated radar device out of coconut shells, mud, a MiG-31M SBI-16 Zaslon radar I had laying around, egg yolks, polar bear shit, chicken wire, some gum, and my own sense of self satisfaction. God speed, gentlemen.”

And then they were off! And we were like YAY OMG THEY’RE GOING TO GET HELP!!!

AND THEN DOC ARZT WAS LIKE DYN-O-MITE!

AND THEN DANIELLE WAS LIKE “I CAN HAZ BAYBEE NOW?”

AND THEN KATE WAS LIKE, “IS THAT A GUN IN YOUR POCKET, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?”

AND THEN JACK WAS LIKE, “Kate, I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO DIGNIFY THAT QUESTION WITH AN ANSWER. HOW DARE YOU.”

AND THEN LOCKE LOOKED INTO THE EYE OF THE ISLAND AND WHAT HE SAW WAS BEAUTIFUL OMFG!!!!
;LKDJF;LKASJDL;FKS

AND WE WERE LIKE OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!

AND JACK WAS LIKE OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!

AND SO THEY’RE LIKE GOING TO BLOW OPEN THE HATCH AND THEN WE SAW THE OUTSIDE OF IT AND IT WAS HURLEY’S FUCKING NUMBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND ALL OF OUR HEADS EXPLODED!!!!!11!1ONE@

AND SAWYER WAS LIKE “AWESOME! A RESCUE BOAT!”

AND WALT AND MICHAEL WERE LIKE, “THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVARRR!!!”

AND THEN THEY DID THAT THING…

WHEN THEY DO A MUSICAL MONTAGE…

JUST TO REMIND YOU HOW MUCH YOU LOVE EVERYONE…

AND TO REMIND YOU HOW FAR THEY’VE COME SINCE THE BEGINNING…

AND YOU CAN’T HELP BUT THINK…

I

FUCKING

LOVE

LOST.

BUT THEN THE RESCUE BOAT WAS LIKE, “SRY2SAY, BUT YOU ARE PWNED. BIG TIME

AND THEN JACK AND LOCKE TOOK A PEEK DOWN THAT HATCH DOOR…

…and then we all had to wait 4 months for a new episode.

The end.

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