Okay so first there’s this Hottie McTottie listening to some mellow grooves and living the life of a typical bachelor: showering, exercising, eating…
…vaccinating himself with some sort of airgun…HANG ON A MINUTE, MISTER.
But we like don’t know WHO this dude is or WHERE he is or anything, and then you hear some explodey noises and then the camera pans up and up and up and who do we see but the
Ambiguously Gay Dynamic Duo, Jack and Locke!!! And then our heads exploded. *kablam*
On the first day, God created light.
On the third day, god created dudes and polar bears and stuff.
On the sixth day, God created Jears.
Jears in heinous flashback wigs, no less.
So anyway in this flashback Jack like trips and falls and some Australian guy is like G’Day mate or some such thing and we’re all kind of like “Hm that dude was weird Y/N?”
And then THAT SAME GUY FROM NEW ZEALAND OR WHATEVER SHOWED UP IN THE HATCH THINGER AND HE WAS LIKE “I LIKE SNOWMEN” AND OUR BRAINS MELTED OUT OF OUR EARS.
So meanwhile Sawyer and Michael are out on The Flotation Device Formerly Known as a Raft, and Sawyer’s like “MIKE!!!!!! I BEEN SHOT!!!”
And Michael’s like “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!” and that went on for like a whole episode.
And then the crazy British guy is kind of going like BONKERS and he’s waving a rifle around and talking about snowmen and Locke and Jack are rather confused because HI HE’S BEEN LIVING RIGHT UNDER THEIR FEET FOR A MONTH.
And he goes and pushes this button and this counter thing goes back to 108 and Jack and Locke are kind of like, WTF MATE and the guy is like “Just savin the world, brothah!”
And Kate came to help but then she got tied up having relations with a chocolate bar.
So like okay Michael and Sawyer wash up on the shore and find Jin who is FREAKING THE EFF OUT OVER UDDERS and we’re like, WTF IS HAAAPPENING and then the Lost Boys show up and they’re all like BANGARANG!!!
And then they hit all the guys over the head with crude instruments and throw them in a hole.
Meanwhile the Canadian guy shows everyone this film strip about Our Changing Bodies, but instead of talking about pubes this guy’s talking about some crazy ass experiment, and frankly we STILL don’t know WTF he was talking about LOL.
So once this guy shows his movie, he’s like “DESMOND OUT” and runs away because he hasn’t had a day off in like 3 years, and he probably owes Blockbuster like $900 for his copy of Eddie Murphy: Raw by now.
So of course Jack cried about this and honestly guys this is when I started to pick up on the fact that Jack is a fucking cry baby ;lksdfklsd
And the Lost Boys hand the guys over to RUUUU-FIII-OOOOOO and she’s not a cool skateboarding mohawky guy, but a bitchy Puerto Rican chick.
And then Mistah Eko and Jin play I Spy in the jungle and while Eko spied something “green and leafy,” Jin spied a group of crash survivors, including children and some other rather primitive looking people, but due to his lack of understanding of the English language it just came out as, “OOOHHH.”
And then Rufio popped a cap in Shannon’s ass and it was like WHAATAAAATTTT OMFG!!!!!!!! ;alkdjf;klasd and no one could believe it!!!
So of course we’re all like WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS BITCH?! GOD!
And then we’re like OH WAIT NEVERMIND THEY’VE BEEN HAVING SOME…ISSUES i.e. people getting eaten by monsters/Others spying on them/Ana-Lucia having PMS/etc.
But it’s aight though because Meestah Eko is TOTALLY FIERCE and will eat babiez if necessary.
So anyway things on Lost have been pretty bleak this season so far with all the death and violence and hot Scottish men running away from the hatch, and Sawyer getting all sick and Walt being gone, and it’s like GOD I WANT A HAPPY MONTAGE!
And then the boys came home!!!
AND ROSE AND BERNARD WERE LIKE OMG I KNEW YOU WEREN’T DEAD LET’S MAKE OUT!!!
AND SUN AND JIN WERE LIKE IT’S TIME TO MAKE THE
I MEAN LIKE EVERYONE WAS POSITIVELY GIDDY.
EVEN JACK MANAGED TO SMILE FOR HE FIRST TIME IN 32 EPISODES!
But of course not everything was sunshine and roses, Sawyer was knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door, and he needed water and medicine and Kate spooning him to get better.
So then Kate starts like losing her marbles just a tad, and we finally found out why she was on the run!!! And we were like you know what, maybe Kate isn’t so bad after all!!
But then she made out with Jack and we were like you know what, Kate is obviously out of her bloody mind!
But then she helped Sawyer get better again and so we’re like, Okay Kate, you’re alright for now, but we’re watching you, Missy.
So while all this Skating and Jating and WHATEVER is going on, Mistah Eko is like “I haff tha sequal to dat movie you haff. Let me show you eet.”
And all the video really said was HATCH POLICY STATES NO EMAIL DURING BUSINESS HOURS. OR ELSE. And Michael was like, “LOL THIS COMPUTER KNOWS MY NAME!”
And then the Smoke Monster had a little convo with Mistah Eko and I think the only appropriate reaction here would be OMGWTFBBQ!!1!1!ONEL;KSDFJ
BUT JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT IT COULDN’T GET ANY CRAZIER, THE DUDE IN THE PLANE WAS EKO’S BROTHAH AND OMFG IT WAS JUST LIKE AL;KFLKADJFKLAK;D WHAT THIS CANNOT BE POSSIBLE.
And meanwhile Michael’s like, “No srsly, I’ve always wanted to learn how to shoot a pers…I mean GUN!” And then he mysteriously disappeared!
So then Kate gets kidnapped…
By King Solomon.
And (awkward!) Jack AND Sawyer show up to be the Hero to her Maiden in Distress!
So King Soloman is like okay I’ll just chop her in half and you can each have some, that about solves this little pickle we seem to have gotten ourselves into.
So then Jack’s like, “I GET THE BOTTOM HALF LOLZ”
And Sawyer is like, “IF I DON’T GET THE BOTTOM HALF THEN DON’T EVEN BOTHER CHOPPING HER IN HALF, I’M NOT INTERESTED.”
And by saying this, Sawyer not only proved that he was Kate’s real mother, he also made her like him even more because chicks always want the meanest boys, amiright?
But of course Jack was like, immediately listening to Morrissey and writing poems called like “My Heart Weeps Black Tears for Her” and shit.
Okay so then like Charlie starts having these CRAZY ASS visions and dreams and stuff, and Claire’s like YOU ARE ON THE DOPE AGAIN and he’s like, “First of all dope is an antiquated term, and second NUH UH!!!”
But then he’s like running around in diapers and playing pianos on the beach and I mean srsly he SEEMED like he was on drugs! But he was like BUT GUYS NO I SWEAR! Cross my heart and hope to die, STICK A NEEDLE IN MY ARM. NO NO WAIT – EYE! I MEANT TO SAY EYE! GOD DAMMIT!
And then Locke punched him in the face and we all felt so bad for him omg. ;___;
So then Sawyer pulls off this huge con on everyone and it’s all twisty and turny and it involved Charlie hitting Sun over the head and guns and stuff, but srsly um hi Sawyer in a towel.
And then Sawyer was like “THERE’S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN BOYS, Y’ALL BEST GET USED TO IT” and we were all like SAWYER FEEL FREE TO CUFF ME AT ANY TIME.
Okay so from the beginning of Season 2 until now, things we pretty crazy, but Lost seemed to be…missing something.
That something was BENRY FUCKING GALE.
So. Danielle’s out in the jungle doing the usual, setting people traps and mumbling to herself, when VOILA! A catch! So she runs and gets Sayid.
Sayid goes to check out the trap, and there’s this little dude in there and he’s like, “Pardon me fine sir, I seem to have gotten myself in a spot of trouble here! Would you be ever so kind as to get me down and away from this rather unsettling jungle wench? I would be ever so grateful.”
So Sayid brings this tiny man to the Batcave, where he tells them his name is Henry Gale, and that he flew here in a hot air balloon from the land of Oz, where he grew up. “Half Munchkin, you see,” he says with a glimmer in his eye.
But Sayid, having grown up on the war-ravaged streets of Iraq, had never heard of The Wizard of Oz, and so he ties Henry up, throws him in a cell, and breaks out his Torturing Scrunchie.
Henry starts to panic, and he’s just like PLZ TO BE NOT HURTING ME, MISTER and in a desperate last attempt to get through to his potential attacker he makes the WORST MISTAKE IMAGINABLE.
Henry asks Sayid his name.
MY NAME IS SAYID JARRAH. AND I AM A TORCHURRA.
Then using all his boyish charm, Jack forces Locke to open the cell and spoil all the fun.
And so at first we were kind of like, OH SHIT SAYID IS NUTS AND WE FEEL BAD FOR MUNCHKIN MAN, but then he made this ONE SUPER CREEPY OMGWTF FACE AND WE WERE ALL LIKE LKSDFL;KJSAD SAYID MUST HAVE PWN RUNNING THROUGH HIS VEINS.
And then the counter went APESHIT AND IT WAS ALL PICTURES AND NOT NUMBERS AND UP WAS DOWN AND BLACK WAS WHITE AND ALL HELL WAS JUST BREAKING LOOSEL;ASKFK;LDS
So just when you thought Lost couldn’t possibly make your brain hurt any more, then they are like BTW ZEKE AND HIS FRIENDS WERE ONLY WEARING COSTUMES.
AND ALSO ALEX IS ALIVE. AND ALSO A GIRL. AND ALSO LIVING WITH THE OTHERS. AND ALSO NOT EVIL.
And then Claire was like, “Didn’t I used to have a bigger role on this show?”
While all that was happening, Henry’s been whispering sweet nothings into Locke’s ear about how he is always taking it up the ass from Jack. So then Locke goes to Jack and he’s just like, “Keep your banana out of my bum, mister.”
And Jack’s like, “But you love my banana! With nuts! And sprinkles!….”
“…and chocolate sauce! And marshmallow fluff! And those little tiny M&M’s! And butterscotch!…”
And then Sun finds out she is pregnant! With a baby!
So the hits just keep on rolling when this Henry chap alludes to the fact that he may have led Sayid, Charlie, and Ana-Lucia into a trap. At this point we’re kind of like “Ummmm why does this guy seem like Piglet’s evil twin brother?” And Henry tapped his fingers together in a nefarious fashion!
While Locke and Evil Piglet are alone in the hatch, something goes all wonky and the doors squish Locke’s legs, which as we know were not very seaworthy in the first place!!
And then the lights go out and it’s like HI DAYGLO MAP PAINTED ON THE BLAST DOOR WHAT’S UP??
But we’re like OH NOES because Henry is the only one who can help and he’s all like THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! HAIL LUCIFER HAIL LUCIFER! and whatnot, so it’s like, I don’t know if we can trust this guy…
So then against our expectations, Henry helps Locke and everything seems peachy keen, and we’re kind of like, “Sorry that we doubted you, Hank” but then Sayid runs in and he’s like AH HA!
And he’s like “YOU ARE NOT A BLACK MAN FROM MINNESOTA, HENRY GALE, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME, WHICH IT OBVIOUSLY ISN’T, AS I AM STANDING HERE PROVING THAT IT IS IN FACT NOT YOUR REAL NAME!!”
And then not!Henry is like, “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
So then Libby sends Hurley this note and it’s like “Will you go out with me” and it’s got two boxes and it’s like Y/N?
And we’re all like aw, that is so cute Libby doesn’t mind that Hurley apparently used to think that hairy guy from Sex in the City was his imaginary friend, but then we’re like oh waaaaait she was crazy too lol.
So Jack and Kate get caught in this net together, which is not, in fact, a euphemism for anything, contrary to popular belief.
And meanwhile not!Henry is filling Locke’s head with all these crazy ideas, like that Jack isn’t the boss of him and that he should be respected and whatnot.
So then who marches back to the beach but Mr. Mah Boy himself, Michael. And he’s packing heat!!
So what does he do now that he’s bacK? HE FREAKING SHOOTS ANA-LUCIA! DEAD! SHE IS DEAD! AND WE ALL REJOICED! BECAUSE SHE MADE US WANT TO RIP OUR OWN EYEBALLS OUT!!
BUT THEN MICHAEL MAKES AN OOPSIE AND THERE IS CROSSFIYAH! LIBBY GETS CAUGHT IN THE…CROSSFIYAH!
AND THEN MICHAEL SHOOTS HIMSELF AND THEN LETS HENRY GO FREE! ;LKSDF’;LASDFK’;LASKDF;’LFK;LASKDL
So of course everyone is totally shocked about this craziness.
Some people are shocked in cuter ways than others.
And Mr. Eko starts having these visions of his brother, and it leads him to this plane, which leads him to this other hatch!!! And it’s got another Orientation film! And the dude is like, “You are all my guinea pigs. Squeal, my little piggies. Squeal.”
So then we find out what the eff happened to Michael to make him go on this little shooting spree of his, and apparently he was kidnapped by the cast of Fiddler on the Roof!
And of course when he’s with these people he’s all like “Mah boy, Walt, blah blah” and they’re like, “We’ve got your kid. He’s kind of a freak, btw.”
So they give Mike this list and they’re like, “Sell out your friends for your kid” and he’s like, “I have absolutely no problem with that.”
SO THEN everyone sees this boat floating off the coast and all the men are like WE WILL INVESTIGATE and get various degrees of naked and they go out and find
Jack Sparrow Desmond in his skivvies!!
And Eko is like, “Hello John” and Locke is like, “Stop pressing the button, plz.”
And despite all of his DON’T-TELL-ME-WHAT-I-CAN’T-DO-ing, Locke is ejected from the hatch.
Meanwhile Desmond is just like a TOTAL WRECK and he is hitting on Claire and hitting on Locke and asking where all the rum has gone, and you’re kind of glad he ended up right back on the same island.
Now Michael has Jack, Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer on this fakeout mission and Michael went all Lando Calrissian on their asses!
“I have a bad feeling about this.”
“I had no choice!”
“Oh, well, we understand, don’t we, Chewie. You had “no choice”. ”
“Just trying to help…”
“We don’t need any of your help!”
“I’m terribly sorry about all this. After all, he’s only a Wookiee.”
So meanwhile back at the hatch, Desmond and Locke have locked themselves in, and Charlie is like, “Guyyyyyys? Guys the large African drug lord is going to blow you to smithereens if you don’t come out. So you might want to think about it.”
And Desmond is just like, “Look man, I don’t really know about you, but I’d like to remain…you know, WHOLE.”
But Locke’s like, “WE ARE STAYING PUT, YOUNG MAN, NOW COOL YOUR JETS.”
And then Lando and his pals are ambushed by The Others!! Let’s hope there’s no carbonite in those tents they live in!
And then Desmond figures it out – HE CRASHED THAT PLANE, BROTHAH!!!
AND LOCKE IS LIKE “NUH UHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
BUT NOW THE HATCH HAS STARTED TO SHAKE A BIT AND DESMOND’S LIKE, “AYE DIOS MIO!!!” AND THEN HE RUNS AROUND WITH HIS ARMS FLAILING OVER HIS HEAD IN A VERY MUPPET-ESQUE MANNER!
AND YOU’VE GOT ALL THE KIDNAPPEES TIED UP ON A DOCK…
AND WHO WALKS UP BUT NOT!HENRY HIMSELF!!!!!!! AND NOT ONLY IS HE ONE OF THEM, HE’S THE MOTHERFRAKKING LEADER OF THEM!!!!
AND NOW THE COUNTER IS TICKING DOWN TO ZERO…
AND DESMOND IS LIKE, I WILL SAVE US ALL!!!!! THIS IS HOW I CAN GET MAH HONAH BOCH!!!
AND EVERYTHING STARTED RUMBLING!!! AND SHIT STARTED FLYING THROUGH THE AIR!!!
AND THEN DESMOND WENT AND TURN THE FAILSAFE KEY AND EVERYTHING WENT PURPLE!!!!!L;ZKJVKLJSD;LKJSDFGLKJF;KLGJDL;FKJGKL;DSFJ
LIKE NO SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT S;;’KF;LSKD;LSF;LD
AND THEN MICHAEL AND WALT WERE REUNITED!!!!
AND THEN THE OTHERS TOLD HURLEY TO GTFO, AND TELL HIS PEOPLE THAT THEY WOULDN’T BE SEEING SAWYER, KATE, OR JACK ANY TIME SOON!!!!!
AND THEN SOME GUYS ON A PLANE WERE LIKE, “I SENSE A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE”
AND PENNY WAS LIKE “ORLY?????????”
AND WE WERE LIKE, WAIT…WHAAAAAT!???????????
And then he had to wait 5 months until Season 3 started.