Allllrighty then so like last season we all knew The Others were these Grizzly Adam-types living off the fat o’ the lan’ and whatnot and right away it’s like UM ACTUALLY NO THEY LIVE IN A J CREW CATALOGUE!!
So when we last left our heroes they were all like captured and whatnot, and so now it’s like WHERE DID THEY TAKE THEM? I will show you.
Jack’s like, I HATE THIS GLASS CASE
OF EMOTION I AM IN.
And Sawyer’s all FISH BISCUITS FTL, YO QUIERO TACO BELL.
And Kate was like, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME…PUT ON A DRESS!
And then Juliet was like, “I am sarcastic and blonde and I enjoy mpreg and sandwiches, what up??”
“…all I’m saying is that John Lennon’s best song was obviously Mind Games.” Now kneel before me, swine.
And then Jack was like, “My ex-wife is boning another guy and my dad is more sane than I aaaaaam ;____;”
So Ben’s all singing to himself like…hm hm mm step you take every move you make hm hm hm hm hmm I’LL BE WATCHING YOUUUUU!! …Sting rules \m/
Kate: FISH BISCUITS!
Skaters: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *HEADS EXPLODE/LOINS QUIVER*
Skaters: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO SRSLY OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jaters: HE IS ONLY USING HER OMG! THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND KATE DOESN’T HAVE TO TAKE IT
Skaters: *having orgasms*
Jaters: …IS ANYTHING ELSE ON??
So then Ben shows Jack this tape of the Sox actually WINNING THE SERIES and Jack was just like Basebaaaaalllllll ;_____;
And then Locke lost his voice and he was like, “Drugs are only bad when other people do them!”
AND THEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN THINGS WENT CRAZYYYY!!!!! AND LOCKE WAS LIKE OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMFGOMGOMG
AND WE WERE LIKE MGOMGOMGOMGOMFGOMGOMGOMG!!!11!!!!1ONE!
And so then Desmond’s all naked in the jungle and he’s like CHECK OUT MY WEE WILLY WINKY, AY BROTHAH??
And then the polar bear has Mr. Eko is his cave and he’s like, MMM DARK MEAT, JUST LIKE I LIKE IT.
But then Locke was like, “Hey, Bear. Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”
*pwns with hairspray*
So then Desmond starts having these ~*VISIONS*~ and he’s like, WHY CAN’T I HEAR THE TARDIS COMING BACK FOR ME??
Every Man for Himself has been brought to you by the letter B!!
So then Mr. Eko walks through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and it’s surprisingly cheerful, with all the sunshine and flowers and whatnot.
And then Juliet is like, “I’ve got the Subterranean Homesick Blues. No srsly I’m living under the fucking ocean and all I want to do is go home ;_;
Now kill that googly-eyed sumbitch and let’s blow this popstand.”
And Jack’s just like, Bob Dylaaaan ;_; Popstaaaand ;___;
And then we see Patchy and he looks at this camera and he’s like, “…I really hope this thing wasn’t on while I was cosplaying Nadia Komenich…”
Audience: EKO! Eko! Eko!
Audience: BOO. ;_;
Jaters: SEE? KATE LOVES JACK!!!
Skaters: *having aneurysms*
But Jack saw them spooning and he was like noooooo Jungle seeeeeex ;_;
So anyway Ben needs this surgery and Jack’s all, I’m gonna cut out ur tumorz now lol. Just so you know YOU AREN’T THE BOSS OF ME! GUH!
And Ben was like, “I know you’ve got my back! Ha! I am a riot!”
So then The Others are all like, FREE YOUR MIND OR WE’LL DO IT FOR YOU!
And then after a little coaxing from Richard and Ethan, Juliet is just like babbling to herself and singing “The Wheels on the Bus” over and over!
And Kate and Sawyer finally escape the Others’ evil clutches!!!!!!
And then Desmond just like TIME TRAVELS and he’s like WWWWWWWWWWWTF IS HAAAAAAPPENING and we’re like @_@ IT’S ALRIGHT BROTHAH WE ARE ALSO CONFUSED and as it turns out Desmond’s kind of psychic, but not like Miss Cleo psychic, he’s like FOR REALZ psychic!!!
But then the downside is Charlie singing “Maybehhhh you’re gonna be the one that saves mehhhh” because unfortunately CHALEE, YAW GONNA DIE!! ;_;
And then Jack caught chlamydia!!
And then Hurley found…THE DHARMA VAN!!!!!!!!!!!
And it was the Best Thing EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because boys banding together always makes us warm and fuzzy, especially when dogs/beer/creepy old skeletons are involved!!!
And because Charlie looked Death in the face and SQUEED.
And because HOOGO’S MAMA HAS NEEDS!!!
And then Patchy invited Sayid and Kate over for some lemonade!!!
And Sawyer and Hurley had a chat about balls.
Then Locke played a round of Good Idea/Bad Idea…
…guess which one won?!!!!!!
So then Christian goes to Australia and he’s like *BREATHES*CLAAAIRE, I AM YOUR FATHAH” and we were all like, YEAH HI WE KNEW THAT, except our parents/spouses/coworkers/etc who don’t LOVE Lost like we LOVE Lost and they were like OMG!!!!!!! and we were like PSH AMATEURS.
And alas here marks The Death of Patchy: First Blood.
And then Charlie and Claire proved they couldn’t be any cuter if they tried.
And then Jack played “wide receiver” for Tom.
So all this time we’re still wondering how Locke ended up in that wheelchair and then LO AND BEHOLD it turns out he broke his spine during a reenactment of Alan Rickman’s final scene in Die Hard!!!
And Ben managed to be a SUPERVILLAN in his frakking JIMJAMS, which is quite a feat, for real.
And then a certain DICK was found in a certain BOX, and while Locke’s reaction looked like this:
OUR REACTION LOOKED SOMETHING MORE LIKE THIS:
So. Anyway. As a reward for trying to save Dr. Jackass from The Others, Kate gets to spend some Quality Time with Juliet.
OH AND THE SMOKE MONSTER ALSO.
So after being gone for a long time Kate comes back to Sawyer he’s like ~*googley eyes*~ and it’s super cute.
And so then we find out all this stuff about Juliet and we’re like AW OKAY SHE HAS AN HONEST ENOUGH FACE.
But like…here’s a chart of how best to describe Juliet on a good day, AMIRIGHT???
Okay so anyway then Desmond and the Goonies went CAM-PING!
And Charlie kept dying-but-not-really in horrible bloody ways!
“…and then, the man stood in the dark room and heard a noise….out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of color and knew right then and there that his worst nightmare had come true…”
“…HIS WIFE HAD GONE GROCERY SHOPPING…WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION!!!!” *screams like a little girl*
And then we were all like, “HAI PENNY I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU WERE A LOT….PALER.”
“Captain’s log, stardate 8141.6. Dharma Initiative testing a go for the Korean. All is well. And yet I cannot help myself from wondering: Who is Sun’s Baby Daddy?”
So okay then we were like HEY PATCHY WHAT UP!? And then we quickly added, “You’re looking…a lot more ALIVE since the last time we saw you. What’s your secret?”
“I have one of those Jack LaLanne Power Juicers. Very handy. Very handy indeed. Oh and also, I am EEN-VEENS-ABLE!”
But then Jin was like, “MY SPERM MAY BE A BUNCH OF WUSSES, BUT I’M CERTAINLY NOT.”
So then Ben tells Locke to make his daddy an offer he can’t refuse!!!
YOU’RE A SON OF A BITCH
YEAH. EXACTLY. MY MOM. >:O
*dies in a much less bloody way than we’d have hoped*
So then Jack was crowned Archduke of DOUCHINGTON when he was all cozy with his new BFF Juliet and blew Kate off!!
And then we learned all about Harry Potter and the Island of Mysteries!!!
And then good old Dick Alpert was like, “Sure, I was born with these good looks. IN THE MIDDLE AGES, BITCHES!!! ”
And then Ben pulled an Oedipus and killed
Uncle Rico Skeletor his Dad!!!
But then instead of poking out his own peepers, Ben went and shot Locke instead!! And why did he shoot Locke??
I would suggest asking your friendly local poltergeist, JACOB!!!
And then Charlie made his Greatest Hits list…
And even though he’d kind of been a major dick for the past few months, it made us all really sad…
Because Charlie’s tiny and blonde and we never wanted him gone or anything. We just wanted him to be less of a jerk sometimes. *sniff*
AND THEN CAME THE FINALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND THE JEARS FLOWED LIKE THE MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI!!
And since Jack was feeling like a pussy because of all the crying, he hit a raccoon on the highway just so he could slap it onto his face! BECAUSE…
So anyway, the whole finale was something like this:
JACK DOES DRUGS
GUNS GO OFF
JACK IS A MESS
WALT COMES BACK
JACK RELIVES 1994
PATCHY’S DEAD II: ELECTRIC BOOGALO
JACK LOSES HIS SHIT
BEN ORDERS A KNUCKLE SANDWICH WITH A SIDE OF FAILSAUCE
SAYID’S FEET TAP DANCE ON SOME DUDE’S SPINAL CORD
JACK GETS BELIGERENT
PATCHY RETURNS IN EVIL DEAD 3: ONE-MAN ARMY OF DARKNESS
AND THEN CHARLIE…YOU KNOW….;_________;
JACK MAKES A PHONE CALL
LOCKE LOSES HIS MARBLES
AND!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN!!!!!!!! Z;LKJDFF;KLSJFG;LKDSFJG;KLSDJFKL;GSJDF;KGL
AND THEN OUR BRAINS EXPLODED!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT JACK WASN’T BEING A DOUCHEY CRYING MESS IN A FLASHBACK, HE WAS JACK TO THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE KATE WAS LIKE HAI GUYS
AND JACK WAS LIKE *SNIFF* HAI GUYS
AND HE WAS LIKE, WE HAVE TO GO BACK ;ZSDKFL;AKSDJF;LKADSJF;LKSDJF;LKSKL!!!!!!!!!!!
And then our brains leaked out of our ears, and we all fell into a hellish nightmare in which we had to live without a new Lost for 8 and a half months.