Okay so first there’s this high speed car chase with some cops and the General Lee, and we’re all kind of like “Um wait I thought this was Lost and not some rerun on Nick at Nite.”
And then Jack was like, “Forget muffins, I’m going to drink my breakfast, just like Dad used to do!”
So then it turns out that it was Hurley in the car, and he’s pulling a Britney and crashing his car into buildings and stuff, and he’s all like I’M ONE OF THE OCEANIC SIX and we’re all like O_______________________O OMFG!!!
Then this cop is like, “UR GONNA TELL ME Y U RAN” and Hurley’s like, “I loved you in Band of Brothers” and the guy’s like “SIT HERE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DONE, BOY.”
So Hurley’s just like SITTING there, right? Just like MINDING HIS OWN BZNSS and this DUDE COME SPLASHING THROUGH THE FRAKKING WALL and he’s like HAI HUGO I’M THE GHOST OF SEASONS PAST!!
So naturally Hurley FREAKS OUT BECAUSE OMG HI SWIMMY GUY IN WINDOW and the cop is like, “UR MENTAL” and Hurley is like “I CONCUR.”
Then Jack started flexing his tear ducts to get them nice and strong for a whole new season of Jears!
So Kate’s like, “What….are…what are you doing?”
“Honies be lovin’ a sensitive man, babeh.”
“Don’t hate the player, hate the game mmkay?”
Sun: You’d better hope Charlie’s not down there with those Sea Lesbians, they might be hurtin’ for a squirtin’.
Claire: Who the… Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I’ve never even met you. So why don’t you back the shit off aight? And stop with the inquisition.
Rose: You should keep your ho on a leash
Claire: I can’t let you be talking to my man that way, dawg.
Sun: Hey, hey, hey, bitch’s runnin’ wild!
Rose: Ho. Fo’ sho.
So anyway then Ben asks Danielle for…wait for it…A FAVOR!!! And she clocks him in the nose and Benry starts to think maybe his subscription to Evil Masterminds Monthly was a tad premature.
Meanwhile at the Beach Hurley’s like “WE ARE SAVED. THIS IS RADICAL. I’M GONNA GO RUN IN SLO-MO NOW.” And Bernard was like, “DO IT, SISTER!”
So Hurley was all like, “I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!”
I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKY
THINK ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT AND DAY
SPREAD MY WINGS AND FLY AWAY
And then Desmond was like, “OCH HURLEY, R KELLY IS A RIGHT PERVERT, HE WEES ON LITTLE GIRLS.”
And everyone was kind of like, “EW DUDE WAY TO RUIN THE MOOD”
And then Desmond was like, …actually, speaking of wee, Charlie’s dead ;_;
And everyone was hot/emo :(
And back at the tower Jack and Kate are like, “Ummm…wait a second…aren’t we suddenly one short on the bloody dead body count?”
And Ben’s like, “I know something you don’t knoooow” and Jack’s like “CURSE YOU AND YOUR MASTERFULLY TRICKSY WAYS!!!”
And Ben’s like, …still got it.
So they have to figure out where the dead girl wandered off to (my guess would be Season 7 ifyouknowwhatImean) and Danielle’s like, “I have found a trail. Follow me.”
But then Kate was like, “aaaactually, I found a trail too, we should follow both!”
And Jack was like, “Kate, why don’t you leave the grownups alone while we go and handle the big people business, okay?”
And Kate’s like, “Oh Jack, I’m so glad I’ve got you to think for me!”
And Jack’s like, “Well we wouldn’t want you to go and think for yourself, now would we?” *pinches her cheek*
*pats her ass*
Meanwhile Sawyer’s like, “Look, we haven’t been in mortal peril in like 3 hours, what’s the deal?”
And then this creepy ass guy shows up and he’s like, “I’m so evil even the whites of my EYES ARE DARK! DARK LIKE MY SOUL! MWA HA HA HA!!!!”
And Hurley’s like, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
So Ben’s with Danielle and Jack, and he’s like, “Ohhh, bugger. Did I forget to mention Kate stole that giant Zach Morris cell phone while you were busy playing grab ass?”
“…GIRLS ARE DUMB.”
And speaking of girls, Naomi
falls jumps out of a tree and lands on Kate, and she’s like STABBED…IN THE BACK…HOW’S THAT FOR METAPHOR… *DIES*
And Hurley’s in the jungle and hears all this crazy ass whispering and he’s like, “Hm, what could possibly be in this totally dark super creepy cabin that just apparently appeared out of nowhere, I think I’ll take a little peek…”
So naturally Hurley wigs out and Locke’s like HEYYYY BROTHER and they have a little chat and they kind of decide that this whole rescue thing is totally fishy.
And then they go back and kind of meet up with everyone and Hurley has to tell Claire that Charlie is dead ;___;
But then right when you’re kind of cursing the Lost writers for making us relive poor little Charlie’s death yet AGAIN, Charlie’s all like GIMME BRAINZ IMMA ZOMBAAAYYYY!!!!!
And he’s like, “Hay listen, I’m a hot zombie now, got rid of the mullet and whatnot, just thought I’d drop in.”
And Hurley’s like, “CHARLIE PLZ YOU ARE BREAKING MY FRAGILE LITTLE MIND.”
And Charlie’s all like *sexy poses*
And Hurley’s freaking the eff out.
So Charlie can’t hang around forever, he’s got like harps to play and shit, so he goes, “They need your help” and he’s gone! And we’re all like ;zklsl;fkjsd CHARLIE!!! AWW!
And meanwhile everyone’s grieving for Charlie in various sexy positions.
So right when all this is going on, Locke walks in and he’s like HEY GUYS WHAT DID I MISS? And Jack just FLIPS OUT and he’s like *BANG BANG BANG*
Only the problem is he was actually saying “Bang” and not shooting anything because…there were no bullets.
And Locke was like, “You’re the second guy to try and kill me today, what a co-inky-dink!”
So then, as is the custom, there was some YELLLIIIIIINGGGG!!!!!!!!!
And then some CRYYYYYYINNNNNG!!!!
And then yet even more YELLLIIINGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!lksdl
And of course, just a bit more crying ;_;
And then we meet post-island, pre-beard Jack. And I’ll be damned, HE’S SMILING.
Hurley’s like, “Nice to see you dude. BTW, ummmm….I’ve got those painkillers you asked for, but I don’t think it’s a very good idea…”
“Awwwwww come on!!!! I’m only going to take them ~*recreationally*~!! Plus I’ve already got a beard going and I haven’t showered in days!”
“Well, okay, but remember: Always know your dealer.”
“AND ALSO, WE MUST GO BACK.”
And now the Losties have been split into two factions:
Team Locke, Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry
Set Team Locke apart
And Team Jack, Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Team Jack guys are true
And unafraid of toil
And then this dude falls out of the sky and he’s just like, “SLYYYTHERINNNNNN” and we’re all kind of like “…this can’t be good.”