Okay so first these guys are underwater and they’re like *blub blub ZE PLANE ZE PLANE blub blub* and we’re all like UH O_O YEAH THAT’S…UNLIKELY.
And then we see this Hot Mess and he’s crying for no reason and we’re like OH RIGHT HE MUST BE ANOTHER ONE OF CHRISTIAN’S BASTARD CHILDREN.
So then seconds later this same dude is being thrown out of a crashing helicopter and he lands in the jungle and he’s like, “Are you him?”
And Jack’s like, “…not again.”
So then Locke’s all like ♪♪ Do you like talking to Jacob? Getting caught in the rain?♪♪
And then Hurley was about to be like, “DUDE WTF ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE??” but then his face kind of started convulsing and all that came out was HEYYY YOUUU GUYYYYS.
So Locke’s kind of taking his Team a tad out of the way and everyone’s like ARE WE THERE YET??
And Locke’s like, “No I’m sorry, we need to take a ride on the Crazy Train first.”
And Walt was like, ALL ABBOOOOOARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So then this Dan guy had a gun in his pants (he was NOT just happy to see you) and so Jack’s all “What’s with the gun, guy?”
And Kate’s like, Let’s see how slick this dude thinks he is, I bet he’s got this whole big story all worked out…
And Daniel is just like Ummmm….uhhhhh….heh heh…*is bumbling scientist*
Then Sawyer’s like, “I have a joke okay ready? Ready? How do you make a holy
And Ben’s all, “I KNOW I KNOW LOLORZ!!!!”
And Locke’s just like, “Yeah, Ben already graced me with this joke today, thnx.”
So Sawyer’s just like, “…dammit! Okay okay ready I have another one: What’s brown and sticky??”
So then Jack’s just like, “There is something strange…in my neighborhood…who am I gonna call?”
“But it’s something weird…and it don’t look good! Who am I gonna call??”
“I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS. I ALSO AIN’T AFRAID OF CALLING A MAN I JUST MET HANDSOME. BOYEEEE.”
And then Kate was just like NIPPPPPSSSSS
And this Miles dude was like, “All right! This chick is TOAST! ”
So then we get this flashback and this guy rides up in his hoopty van to this old lady’s crib.
“…so Zuul was the minion of Gozer…What’s Gozer?”
“Gozer was very big in Sumeria.”
“Well, what’s he doing in my ice box?”
“I’m working on that. ”
“So what happened next??”
“He slimed, me, bro.”
So back on the Crazy Train, Ben’s like, “So Carl, have you boinked my daughter yet?”.
And Carl’s like, “Excuse me sir, but abstinence is the only safe sex.”
And Ben’s all like, “Duuude, she’s hot, DO IT!”
But then Sawyer was like DOES BENNY WANT TO GO OUT? DOES BENNY WANT TO GO OUT?? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? WHO’SAGOODBOY!? and Ben started hopping around and was all wimpering and stuff so Sawyer took him for a walk.
And then Jack was all like *WINK*
And Kate was like, Was that supposed to…turn me on? LOLOL YIKES. …UGH why am I not with Sawyer again?
So then Jack’s like YOU BEST CHECK YO’SELF BEFO’ YOU WRECK YO’SELF
And this Miles dude is just like, “I don’t have to take this abuse from you, I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”
And Sayid’s all, “If by abuse you mean torcha, then you are SPOT ON, MATE.”
ARE YOU THE KEYMASTER?
Forget keys, my friend. I am The Master. Fullstop.
So then this British chick finds a frakking POLAR BEAR SKELETON…IN THE DESERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And as if that wasn’t enough, it was wearing some DHARMA JEWELRY that Ben probably made in Dharma Camp Arts and Crafts!!! ;sdlkklsd
And then she falls onto the island and Team Locke finds her on a pitstop and they’re all like WHO SENT YOU OMG and she’s just like JOLLY GOOD TO MEET YOU LOT! I’m about as as intimidating as Mary Poppins, don’t be frightened! Help me unpack my giant carpet bag!
And they’re all just like You’ll blow away, just like all the other nannies ;_;
And then THIS crazy bastard show up and he’s just like ARRIBA ARRIBA ONDELAY ONDELAY!!!!!!!!
And in this flashback TV’s Greg Grunberg is all like HAIIII!!!! I HAVE A MOUSTACHE!!!
But the pilot’s like, “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SHOWING CORPSES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?? HAVE YOU PEOPLE NO SHAME!? GOOD DAY SIR!”
And then this cow was like, “WASSUP, HOMES?”
And the pilot dude was like, “I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?”
Meanwhile this Charlotte broad is just like, “CHIM CHIM CHER-*UGH*”
Ben apparently felt it was below him to hang out with chimney sweeps and the like.
OH GREAT. THIS IS JUST SUPER.
…CALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!!!!!! LOL I’M OKAY!!
And then they finally saw it!!! What they’ve been waiting for all this time!!
“…It’s only a model.”
I’m going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetant?
My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
I’d call that a big yes. Uh, are you habitually using drugs? Stimulants? Alcohol?
No, no. Just asking. Are you, menstruating right now?
What’s has that got to do with it?
Back off, man. I’m a scientist.
…BTW, we’re here for
Leisure Suit Larry BENJAMIN LINUS.
So by this point Locke, Sawyer, Taller Walt – EVERYONE was pretty freaking pissed at Benry, and so Locke decided to take him out, tie him to a tree and get rid of him Old Yeller style.
But Ben was like WAIT WAIT NO OKAY LISTEN TO ME. HER NAME ISN’T MARY POPPINS, HER NAME IS CHARLOTTE STAPLES CENTER. SHE’S NOT A NANNY.
So…is she a deadly assassin or something?
No. Worse. She’s a *dramatic pause* CULTURAL ANTHROPOLOGIST!!!!!!!!!!! *DUM DUM DUUUUUM*
Is that one of them ladies’ bits doctors??