Okay so at first Sayid is like I will not squash this little peon Ghostbuster like a bug. I will not squash this little peon Ghostbuster like a bug.
And Miles the Boy Wonder is all, “Yo Osama, I ain’t got all day aight?? Move your brown mop-topped ass. PRONTO.”
So Kate’s just like, “Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? Do you know who you’re talking to??”
And Sayid’s all like, “Listen Kate, do not pay this man any attention. He is obviously not familiar with my advanced level of Badassity. You see Miles, I hold a Masters in Ass Kicking and a PhD in Badass Motherfucker-ology from the Jack Bauer Institute for Pwnage.”
“Why ain’t I ever heard of this place?”
“It’s in Sheboygan. Wisconsin. We have to keep it on the DL, obviously.”
So at this Miles is just like, “YEAH!? WELL….YOUR MOM…GOES TO COLLEGE.” And we were like, “oooh nice comeback, Spengler.”
So then Sayid goes all Tiger Woods on our asses, and we’re all like *LOL right like a country club would like his kind on a golf course* and then we’re like OH WAIT money is always more important than skin color.
And we were right. Sayid is loaded!!
So then this asshole walks up and is all like “You make-ah some bets-ah?”
“Actually friend, I will take your wager.”
“…And also your life. Goodbye, Italian dude.”
And as it turns out Sayid really WAS loaded. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
So he shoots this dude and leaves him for dead and as he’s walking away (note he doesn’t even try and run or like…TAKE THE GOLF CART) the sprinklers spontaneously orgasm from the sheer amount of BADASS MOFO-ERY in the air!!
So then Mr. Jarrah wanders into a cozy little German cafe, and it looks like someone spent his settlement money on Armani suits and a flat iron!!
And this German chick is all like, “DAMN Y U SO FINE” and we’re all like *LOL this chick will be dead by 10 p.m.*
And Sayid’s like “Make that 9:45, bitches.”
And then he calls some dude and he’s like “Is your fridge running?” and the guy’s like “No, but the hamster in the wheel that’s powering the island is running” and we’re all like OMG IS THAT BEN!?
So then Sayid’s like “I will go and fetch the redhead. You stay here and be good. No sticking your fingers in the helicopter blades, mister.”
Now meanwhile back on Team Locke, things were getting kind of tense. Locke was all, “Dammit, someone tell me who slipped Ben roofies or else we’re turning this mission around!!”
And Ben was just all like, “Guhhhhh bluhhhhh…coloooors….”
And Sawyer’s like, “I think I seen that blonde chick with the diaper on her head giving him something earlier…”
And Ben’s just like, “Loooooooooool I just…I just wanted to say….hah hah……..”
So Locke’s like, “Tracy, did you slip Ben something? You can tell me. I’m into drugging people without their consent and/or other people’s approval.”
And Tracy’s just like, “I….I….look, I didn’t wear this low cut shirt for nothing, okay?” And Ben’s just like, “Scoooore.”
Meanwhile Jack and Kate are hanging out by the helicopter and Jack’s just like, “…so I mean if you’re not doing anything and I’m not doing anything, maybe we could like…not do anything…together sometime…”
And Kate’s like, “How do I say this…um look, Jack…”
And Jack’s like *YAY HERE IT COMES!!*
“You’re a nice guy and all…but I mean…I’m like…doing Sawyer. And he’s…well, he’s like, SUPER hot.”
“Um no wait…what??”
“I mean like…RIDICULOUSLY hot. In fact, as soon as I see him again, I’m going to have trouble just like…not JUMPING him the minute I see him…”
“So wait…what are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me… ending up together?”
“Well, that’s pretty difficult to say.”
“Hit me with it! The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?”
“You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?”
“I’d say more like one out of a million.”
“…So you’re telling me there’s a chance. ”
So then Kate’s like, “Dude, you’ve GOT to get me away from here, Jack’s about to propose and shit over there.”
And then Drunk Pilot is like, “Who is that guy??”
“He’s a torturer…”
“…of my soul.” *sniffles*
And then Sayid and Kate walked away in slo-mo and it was all like BOW CHICKA BOW WOW. Not even on the show, just like…in my head.
And then in this flash forward Sayid and Elsa were like “UR HAIR IZ HAWT. DO ME PLZ.”
So then Daniel breaks out his sexperimental equipment and he’s like LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! IS IT A BIRD?
And this guy is just like, “Hold on to your butts.”
IS IT A PLANE??
NO! IT’S….nothing! LOL SCIENTIST, YOU’VE FAILED!!
Okay so now Sayid, Kate, and Spengler on are their way to get Pippi back, right? And they go to Otherville, and it’s all covered in cobwebs and shit even though everyone’s only been gone like 3 days.
So they hear this noise and they go to see what it is, and it’s Hurley!! All tied up!! Locke and his pack of drug buddies left him behind!
“Hurley, tell us what happened.”
“Isn’t it obvious? Lardo over here was holding up the buffet line an…”
“Look dude, only people with perfect bone structure and chiseled jaws are allowed to talk to me like that. So you best step off, bro. Just mind yah bznss.”
“You just got served.”
So back at the helicopter Jack was like, “Ho hum, I’m still kinda sad about Kate.”
But Daniel’s all like ;lksdjfk;lasdfj;lasjd;lfkasjdlk
And Desmond peeps his head out of the jungle and he’s like, “OCH yoo’ve blaynd-ed mee with science, brothah!”
And Juliet’s like, “Ooooh my pookie Jackie is sad! I’m gonna go hug him and stuff!”
And we were all like HEY HEY DESMOND! DO THAT THING…YOU KNOW THAT THING YOU DO WHEN YOU JUST STAND THERE HOLDING A GUN WITH YOUR SHIRT ALL OPEN LOOKIN’ ALL HOT AND STUFF!!!
And Desmond was like, “Hello, Ladies.”
So then Sayid and Kate are looking around Ben’s house and Sayid goes into this magical place hidden behind some bookshelves
called Narnia and he finds all this stuff Ben uses to play Travel Agency when no one else is home!
And then Kate’s in this room by herself and she hears this noise and she’s like HANDS TO THE SKY MOTHAHFUCKAH
But Sawyer’s all, “BABY, PLEASE!” and then he’s like, “I heard what you said over by the helicopter. LET’S GET IT ON. But first, let’s talk about our feelings. Because I’m the New and Improved Sawyer.”
So then Kate’s husband runs in and he’s like IT’S A TRAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!
And Locke’s like, “Captain Tightpants would be correct.”
So Sayid’s like, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Hurley for being a traitor.”
And Hurley’s like, “Whatever dude, just don’t use my neck to make Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.”
So then Kate and Sawyer had a talk…and it was ADORABLE ;laksdfl;kasdf’dls;
Sawyer was like ILUSOMUCH and Kate was like …ITHINKIAMOKAYWITHTHAT.
Anyway, Sayid’s off in the future practicing head twirls like the those girls in L’Oreal commercials and he’s like, “BTW Elsa, I have to kill ur boss…”
And Elsa’s just like, “Okay, there are just too many mutha uckas…uckin in my SHI!” and she freaking SHOT HIM@!!
But then Sayid was all, “Thanks for all the poon, but I’m done with your mutha uckin ass, thnx.”
And during her death rattle, we were all kind of like, “Is it just me or does this chick look like a love child between Danielle and Penny??”
So back by the helicopter Frank is all like, “You know where I can get some booze around this dump? I can’t fly without a Highball or five.”
And Desmond’s like, “AHM SORRY MATE, BUT THE POSITION OF LOVABLE DRUNK IS ALREADY TAKEN. BY ME. IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERIN. BUT WE ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW LOVABLE DRUG ADDICT, IF YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYONE. THANKS.”
And then Sayid brought back Redhead and no one seemed to give a shit that right at this very moment across the island, Tracy was offering Miles a beverage.
So Sayid and Desmond get into the helicopter and we’re like *GOOSEBUMPS OMG* but even though WE’RE all flipping out, Sayid looks kind of…sad!! And we’re like…this cannot be right…
But then in the future Sayid goes to this vet’s office and he’s talking to this dude who is like his boss and we’re all like I RECOGNIZE THOSE DULCET TONES ;SDLFK;’LSDK
And Ben was like HEY WUZZZZUP and we’re all like ;lsdfk;l’aks’dl;fks and it’s all very crazy and OMGWTFPOLARBEAR;lkjdfkl;d and Ben’s all WHO’S UR DADDY??
And Sayid thinks back to his life on the island, and the times he beat Ben to a pulp, and his years at the Jack Bauer Institute in Sheboygan, and his times as a soldier/torcha-ah, and with a heavy heart he said, “U MY DADDY, BENJAMIN. IT BE U.”