Okay so first Sawyer is like “Hey babeh, wanna come play house now like we talked about?”
And Kate’s all “No thnx I’m just going to sit here and be bitchy instead.”
“Well if you’re gonna be like that, I’m going to go have a slumber party with Hugo. We’re gonna eat cookie dough and practice tongue kissing.”
*needs Midol…and a cold shower*
So then we get this flash forward and Kate proves that the Flash Forward Accessory of choice are apparently sunglasses…
And then Jin’s all like “AL-BA-KOO-KEE” and we’re all like LOL Jin even we can’t spell that, and we’re not all Hooked on Phonics.
So then Kate goes to Locke and she’s just like, “Look, I was going to try and seduce some information out of you, but I’ve got wicked cramps and I’m just not in the mood, so why don’t you just make this easier for us both and…what are you doing??”
And Locke’s kind of talking in this dreamy way and he’s like, “I made myself bleed my own blood…”
“Hi, I’m Earth. Have we met?”
“Don’t make me shoot you with my finger gun. Bang! Bang!”
And then simultaneously, Kate and the entire Lost viewing audience decided Locke has finally lost his last marble.
So Kate bumps into Hurley, and she cleverly gets the information out of him.
“You just Scooby Doo’d me, didn’t you?”
And Kate was like, “Just call me Daphne, bitch.”
“Does this mean the Harlem Globetrotters are finally going to show up??”
“Sorry, bro. Not until the Zombie Season. They roll up with what’s left of Artz and Charles Nelson Reilly.”
So Kate goes and finds the Ghostbuster, and he’s all, “So…what would you do for a Klondike bar?”
And she’s like, “…actually now that you mention it I am DYING for a piece of chocolate. Let’s do this, G.”
So meanwhile in the future Kate has started her sentence, and she goes to see her lawyer, and the guard is all, “You’ve got 10 minutes. BTW NO TOUCHING.”
And the lawyer is like, “Kate, it’s time. We need to bring out…the Secret Weapon.”
And she’s like, *SIGH* “But the Magnetron Stun Gun isn’t perfected yet! It could backfire, you remember what happened to Joe. Poor, sweet, Limbless Joe…”
“I was talking about your kid, you retard.”
“WHY YOU GOTTA WASTE MAH FLAVAH?”
So then Claire’s all like, “BABIES!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!”
And Kate’s just like, “NO THNX!!!!!!!!!!”
But Claire’s like, “…Babies??!!!”
So then Kate’s like, “…I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
So back in this flash forward, Kate’s on trial again, and the surprise witness is…Jack! So he gets up on the stand and he’s like, “DO YOU WANT THE TRUTH?”
And Kate’s like, “He can’t handle the truth.”
“Lies. She’s a liar.”
“He never wants to listen to me, but…”
“Jack, I’m just not that into you.”
“Look Kate, if you feel like givin’ me a lifetime of devotion…”
“…I second that emotion.”
*sniff* “Jate is Fate, your honor.”
So then Kate makes her way over to
Xanadu Sawyer and Hurley’s place, and she’s all like, “Now you I can seduce.”
And Sawyer’s all, “Care for some Dharma Box Wine, m’lady? Lovely bouquet. Elderberries, juniper, with just a hint of…is that the oaky redolence of old hippie sweat I smell?”
“You know what? Forget it. I’m here to use you.”
“I hope you mean that in the most sexual way possible.”
After hearing the wrong response to his own statement, Sawyer is told by Kate that she has this brilliant plan involving a Ghostbuster, an eeveel villain, and a Klondike Bar.
Once Sawyer hears this, he gets his “Con an Old Man Kit” from his bedroom, marches over to Locke’s house, and he’s like, “Hey Johnny boy, I’ve got board games and hard candies! Can we hang out?”
Once he’s in, Sawyer’s all, “Let me top off that prune juice for you, John. By the way, plz to be not hurting Kate. I kind of like the girl.”
“Sorry, James. Her ass is grass and I’m the mower…Oooooh YAHTZEE!”
So Kate brings Miles in to meet with Ben, and Miles is just like HAI OMG. BIG FAN. BIG FAN.
And Ben’s all, “Who is this tiny Asian and where is John? He promised to read me my bedtime story.”
And then there was some blackmailage and some talking of boo koo bucks, and Kate was all, “I GAVE YOU WHAT YOU WANTED, NOW WHERE IS MY GODDAMN CHOCOLATE??” *slams him into wall*
And Miles is all “LOL OMG BONER”
And Kate’s just like, “I knew it, I’m surrounded by assholes.”
And Miles is like, “I bet you give great helmet.”
But then Locke bursts in and he’s like “NO HANKY PANKY UNDER MY ROOF, GTFO!!!”
And then Kate’s mom is like *OIL CAN* *OIL CAN* and then Kate lubed up her mom, who had not been able to move her jaw in 4 years. To thank her for her favor, Kate’s mom said she wouldn’t testify against her!
So Sawyer’s like, “Hello lovah. Allow me to read aloud to you some of the most sensuous erotica ever to grace the pages of literature.”
And Kate’s like, “Dude, what’s with you today?”
And Sawyer’s like, “What’s with today, today?”
So Kate’s just like, UR HAWT LETS SPOON.
And then Kate and Sawyer performed that great, ancient act…of Cock-teasery.
So then Locke’s all “I bite my thumb at you, sir.”
And Miles is like, “MMMMPHHHUGHHUHH” which translates into something along the lines of “OMFG YOUCRAZYMOTHERFUCKINGBITCH I KEELYOU…AS SOON AS I UNTIE MYSELF.”
So the next morning Kate and Sawyer wake up, and Sawyer is immediately like, “Daddy horny,
But Kate is just like, “…No.”
“COME ON! You wouldn’t do it last night and you won’t do it now?? R U SUM KINDA PRUDE!?”
And Kate’s just like, Why is it that every man I come into contact with is a total fucking moron?
…AND HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT PREGNANT?? DO YOU HAVE KIND OF MAGICAL INTERNAL DEVICE THAT CAN SOMEHOW TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT, IN FACT, PREGNANT, WHILE ALSO MAKING YOU CRANKY, CRAVE CHOCOLATE, AND NOT WANT TO DO IT WITH ME??
“That’s it. I give up. I’m going to find a pair of Birkenstocks and ask Claire if we can raise her kid together.”
So thanks to solving her mother’s lubrication problem, Kate’s sentence gets dropped, and all she’s got to do is stay in one place for 10 years. lol.
As she’s walking out to her cab, she turns and sees him.
“I thought we said no more stalking.”
“I was just…in the neighborhood…I’m uh…taking a tour of parking garages of…North…America?”
“This is just like that Back Porch Deck Tour of California you ‘went on’ last month, isn’t it?”
“I do love me a good coat of water resistant varnish.”
“Look…Jack…don’t make me call Sayid again. As much as I love seeing a grown man weeping in pain, I kind of have somewhere to be.”
“Admit it, Kate. There is still something between us.”
“If by something you mean your father’s bastard child’s kid, then sure, you’re right.”
*cries Uncle Jears*
So Kate goes home, and we’re all like OKAY SHOW THE DAMN KID ALREADY and she’s all like “HAI BB”
And Aaron’s just like, “Mummy? Are you my mummy?”
And the look on Kate’s face is just like *EMPHATIC YES*
And we were all O_O