So first Desmond’s on the helichopper and he’s looking at this photo and him and Penny and it’s kind of cute and whatever.
And then this guy’s like “PUT. YOUR. HANDS. ON. YOUR. HEAD.”
And Desmond’s like lol yay
And Juliet’s like mmmkay
And Jack’s like aight yo
“SIMON DIDN’T SAY, BITCHES!! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 20!”
And Desmond was just like WHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!? because he was *scary music* TIIIME TRAVELING!!!!
So anyway, now that they had been eliminated from the game, Jack and Juliet are wondering what the eff happened to their friends.
“Plz to be explaining why it’s been 24 hours and Sayid hasn’t broken any freighter necks yet?”
“Okay listen…to quote Steve Miller, Time keeps slippin…slippin…slippin…into the future…”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“What is your damage!?”
**clears throat awkwardly**
So by now the chopper has landed on the freighter and Desmond is TOTALLY wigging out!! He has no idea where he is or who anyone else is or ANYTHING!!
And this guy is all SIMON SAYS LAY DOWN!
And Desmond’s like, “….chopper?”
FUCKING HUME, YOU WERE OUT LAST ROUND. YOU’RE IN TIME OUT, MISTER!
And Desmond’s just like, “TIME OUT WHAT THE FU…BOAT!? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?”
And we were all like, touche, Mr. Hume. Touche.
So then Large and In Charge over here is all, You just “wait here” while I go and “get the doctor” he will “help you” *evil smirk* and we’re all like, “…I don’t think we can trust this guy.”
And so he locks Desmond in this room/back alley abortion clinic and this dude is like, “Hey man, got any chapstick?”
“Is that…TV and film’s Fisher Stevens??”
“…I loved you in Short Circuit.”
“I’ve always felt Ben Jabituya was my meatiest role…”
Meanwhile Sayid’s up on deck, challenging all the crew members to arm wrestling matches and not getting any contenders when he gets a call on the Bat Phone.
“Sayid, this has to be quick, my cell service provider says I have 500 minutes a month, and considering that boat you’re on is some kind of time machine I think this will cost me a bundle. So anyway. How was your day?”
“Ohhh right, you didn’t know….umm…actually I don’t really get it. But enough about that, what’d you have for lunch?”
“Put someone worth a damn on this phone right now, before I kill you. WITH MY MIND.”
Meanwhile under the deck Desmond is having some issues.
“I’m just going to stick this pointy thing somewhere…unpleasant.”
“WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”
“…I DON’T WANT TO BE PROBED. I AM NO…oh hello?”
“Listen to me, Desmond, go see a man about a rat!”
“1.21 gigawatts? 1.21 gigawatts? Great Scott!”
*lets do the Time Warp Again!!!!*
Meanwhile, back in 1996…
“Oh my god, I thought Jack’s flashback wigs were bad, but that takes the cake.”
“Look man, Mad Scientist, okay? Insanely bad hair kind of comes with the territory. Now what do you want?”
“Okay so don’t think I’m crazy, but…I’m from the future.”
“Crazy? I don’t think you’re crazy. Let me introduce you to my woobie, Eloise. Eloise darling, this gentleman thinks we’re here to judge him. We wouldn’t judge him now would we my widdle baby waby *nuzzles*”
“If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit.”
“What do you mean by serious…WHOA SHIT IS THAT RAT ON FIYAH, BROTHAH??”
And the rat is all VICTORY IS MINE! And Daniel is all ;laksjdfklasjflksd TIME TRAVEL OMGOMGOMG@@@@!!!!
But then the rat was all “Goodbye, cruel world” and we were like AW NO ELOISE! And she was like, “Catch you in Season 7, bitchez!”
So naturally Desmond is just FREAKING OUT and he’s like “I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM OR WHERE I’M GOING OR WTF IS HAPPENING TO ME, JOO HAFF SOME ‘SPLAININ TO DO, MISTAH!”
“Look dude, I have no idea what’s happening to me and I NEED HELP. What should I do? Where should I go? All I know is that all roads seem to lead to you.”
“Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads. Just make sure you find a Constant, or else your brain will start leaking out through your nose, mmkay?”
So back in real time this Minkowski guy is just like, “Come on, I will show you the phones! We have precious little time!”
And Desmond is like “ZOMG I AM SO CONFUSED” and we were like “I FULLY CONCUR” and Minkowski was like, “JUST COME WITH ME, WE CAN CALL PENNY, OKAY??”
So then we see Widmore and he’s doing typical rich guy stuff like bidding on old shit at auctions and playing racquetball and polishing his monocle and whatnot…
And he tells Desmond to follow him…into the toilets. And Desmond is like, “Uhhh…look sir, I don’t know why you brought me here, but I need a favor.”
“I just enjoy having men watch me urinate is all, old chap! Now what can I do for you?”
“I need Penny’s address. I need to
stalk see her.” And so Widmore handed over the address to thank Desmond for watching him drain the lizard.
“You know…once, on the set of Short Circuit 2, I let Steve Guttenberg pay me to watch him…you know what? Another time…”
So they get to the Communications room on this ship and the wires are all just shot to shit!!
And Minkowski is like, “Sorry, bro, tough break. You’re going to need a miracle or like fucking MacGyver in here or something…uh oh I feel funny…”
“I’m going to need a pair of dice, 2 coat hangers, a flamethrower, some milk of magnesia, a pool cue, and a July, 1987 copy of Sports Illustrated. And someone get that guy a chair or something.”
And then Desmond sees a calendar and he’s like “It’s 2004?? THANK GOD. I didn’t want to have to live through that boy band shit again.”
And Sayid’s like, “Confession: N’Sync. Big guilty pleasure. That Timberlake kid can dance…uh, Desmond, you’ve got a little something in the nasal region…”
“Do I have a boogie?”
“EW EW DUDE! EW DUDE, YOU ARE BLEEDING INTO MY EYEBALLS OMFG EW DUDE *diez and iz ded*”
So back in ’96, and humming a Westlife tune, Desmond goes and pays a visit to Penny.
Desmond: *knocks on door* Okay, don’t sound crazy. Don’t sound crazy. You can do this.
Penny: What do you want?
Desmond: Hi Penny. I need your phone number. so far so good
Penny: For what?
Desmond: To call. FROM THA FEW-CHAH.
So he’s just like “LOOK, I KNOW IT SOUNDS NUTTY, BUT I’M GOING TO CALL YOU. IN 2004.”
“And why should I answer?”
“Because! I’ll be beardy and tan and have this blue shirt that is missing all but 2 buttons! Trust me, it’s worth it!”
“Blue shirt or not, I don’t ever want to see you again!”
“Penny, Penny, who can I turn to? You give me something I can hold onto…”
“Oh god. Alright then. 867-5309.”
“Penny, I got your number! I need to make you mine. Penny, don’t change your number!! 867-5309″
Eight six seven five three oh nine…
So Desmond calls the number and he’s all PLEASE PICK UP PLEASE PICK UP and we’re all like PLEASE PICK UP PLEASE PICK UP s’;dlfk’;ldsfk;lsd
And then…SHE PICKS UP!!
And all of the sudden 1996!Desmond is just like Backstreet’s back…ALRIGHT! and he danced a merry jig down the streets of London!
And Penny’s all “OMFG HI HI HAI!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KEEP THINKING ABOUT YOUR BLUE SHIRT!!!”
And Desmond’s like, “OH BB IT IS GLORIOUS, TRUST ME!”
And Penny’s all, “ILU!!!!!! SO MUCH!!!!!! I WILL FIND YOU!!!!!!” and we’re all like ;____; omg this is amazing slkdfk;sdkfd
And Desmond’s like, “YOO AH MAH CONSTANT, PENNAY! I LUFF YOO! ALWAYS HAFF! ALWAYS WILL!” and we’re all like OMG STOP MY HEART MY HEART *has Redd Foxx-style heart attack*
And then the phone cuts out an Sayid’s like, “Sorry man, we only had 3 tablespoons of milk of magnesia…”
“Oh, it ain’t no thing…Sayid.”
“Welcome back to planet Earth, Brothah.”
And then meanwhile Daniel’s back on the island reading his diary and it’s just like, BTW DESMOND’S UR CONSTANT.
And Daniel’s like, “Ha! What did I tell you?! EIGHTY-EIGHT MILES PER HOUR!!! The temporal displacement occured exactly 1:20 AM and zero seconds!”
And we were just like EVER SEE SCANNERS WHEN THAT DUDE’S HEAD BLEW UP? YUP.