Apologies in advance for anyone who has never seen Lord of the Rings haha.
Okay so first thing’s first we see Juliet, and she’s all bright eyed and bushy
tailed haired, and we’re like, “Hm, is this a flash forward or what?”
There’s this Harper bitch who is supposedly a therapist, and we sense she is somehow inexplicably hostile toward Juliet considering she just met her, but we can’t really pay attention to the dialog as this woman’s GIANT MOLE and EEVEEL EYEBROWS are acting as a Hydra Station-esque block against any information actually making it into our minds.
“I’m saying something that may or may not be important to the plot.”
We’re thinking to ourselves, “Stop being so superficial and listen to this dialog.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hear you over this chick’s KILLER EYEBROWS!!!! 90% MORE DEADLY THAN PIKE’S PEAK!!
Speaking of distracting facial hair, HEY LOOK IT’S OUR OLD PAL TOM! And he’s sporting a pornstache that would put Tom Selleck to shame! Thanks to Tom and his lipwig, we now know this is actually a flashback!
So as it turns out, Ben’s there to welcome Juliet to her new home!
“Why hello there
Mommy Annie Juliet! How nice of you to join us here in Otherton! After stalking you for 6 months prior to your arrival, I know everything about you! You favorite CD’s are in the family room, your favorite kind of cookies are in the pantry, and your preferred brand of tampon is in the loo.”
Juliet: Oh Ben, you shoudn’t have!
Ben: I’m just being a gentleman.
Juliet: No really, you shouldn’t have. I’ve been here all of 6 minutes and you guys have me freaked the hell out already.
“Look I’m sorry, but I’m only into guys who look like they’re straight out of Lord of the Rings. My ex looked like Wormtongue. It’s…kind of a thing with me.”
And Ben was like I wants her, she is mines! My very own! My preciousssss. And we were like LOL Juliet, look out, girlfriend.
So anyway back in real time, Juliet is having a nice little stroll through the jungle when she hears something she can’t quite make out…
“Is someone crying? Who’s out there? Are you sniffling? Who is that??”
“Look, I’m not crying! It’s just been raining! On my face!!”
“I’m making a comment about how Jack is actually crying and not what he claims, but you can’t hear me over the sonic boom of my Joker-like eyebrows ^_^”
“Jack, have you really been crying? You can tell me, lovah.”
“I was just uh…cutting onions. I’m making a lasagna. For one.”
“I told you I would eat with you.”
“UGH okay, for your information there’s an inflammation in my tear gland.”
So as per usual, Juliet is apparently spending her flashback crying in a back room somewhere, when she hears a noise…
“Hello, gentle woman. I am Goodomir, son of Gondor and defender of this realm. And also the Power Station.”
“I’m sorry, did you say…Gondor?”
“Yes, I’m here on an exchange program. You may have heard heroic tales of my brothers Boromir and Faramir from that guy Charlie on the other side of the island…”
“…I’m the oldest. Kind of a fuck up, to be honest. Smoked one too many pipes of Longbottom Leaf, if you catch my drift…anyway, I shaved the beard, cut off my mane, and decided to come live with the hippies for a while. Gandalf’s idea.”
“Well, I just think you’re swell. I could really use a hero lately, that chick with the eyebrows is the bitchiest bitch that has ever bitched.”
“You know…that bitch is my wife.”
“Alrighty then, I’m just going to stand here with this look on my face until you walk away then. Okay then. Buh-bye, then. Buh-bye.”
Meanwhile back in the Jearsy Jungle…
“Look Juliet, I know I may not know how to behead people with swords or sing Hobbit songs, but I’ve been told in certain light, I vaguely resemble Orlando Bloom.”
“And I cry more than Eowyn. You know it, I know it.”
“If you still don’t think I’m worthy to be your man, SO BE IT, *sniff* but..”
“OKAY, okay, Jack, okay fine. You’re in. Now please help me find Daniel and Charlotte! Or else we’re all going to die faster than you can say Buckleberry Ferry.”
Charlotte: So I’m really into this scientist guy.
Daniel: Ooh, do I know him?
Charlotte: Well, he studies magnets and time travel and has this cute little way of talking, and…
Daniel: Ohhh it is TESLA!? Great choice, I love that guy!
Charlotte: You sir, are a nincompoop.
Kate’s like, “Ohhhh HAY GUYS! Hope I’m not uh…interrupting anything. Wow. This is kind of awkward.”
So of course Charlotte immediately karate chops her and leaves her unconscious because nincompoop or not, she wants Daniel all to herself!
“Hey Juliet, want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?”
*go to your happy place. go to your happy place.*
So we’re starting to notice that Ben has a decidedly creepy way of watching Juliet work when…
“Hey Juliet, want to go ‘eat sandwiches?’”
“Why yes, Goodomir, I would love to ‘eat a sandwich’ with you. Or three.”
“Well, I guess I’ll just uh…’meet you’ at the ‘deli’ in a few.”
But Ben is all like, “Sorry guys, I hid the salami. And only Juliet is allowed to look for it.”
*clears throat* “It’s in my pants.”
Back in another therapy session, Juliet and The Mole are having a little trouble communicating.
“Look okay, Goodwin and I have our issues. Least of which is that our names when said together sound like a goddamn furniture store – I mean, Harper and Goodwin? Who were we kidding?”
*is trying desperately to stop staring at the Mole and Eyebrows of Doom*
Quick, change the subject! “I…uh…I MOLED YOUR HUSBAND. Did I say moled? I meant screwed.” Shit.
“Listen honey, I could care less what you do with that pot smoking jackass. Ever since Goodwin started sleeping on the couch I’ve been sexing Richard Alpert and CHRIST does he have stamina. You’d think a guys who’s been alive for 400 years would lose his libido, but DAMN.”
Did she say 400 years ol… OH GOD I THINK THE MOLE JUST WINKED AT ME.
And then Ben convinced Locke to let him out of the Magic Box for a while so he could show him a Super Secret Video.
“This is so hot.”
“Wait a second, this isn’t porn!!”
And Ben’s like *WIDMORE FANGIRL OMG*
“Call me when you find Lesbian Spank Inferno. Peace out.”
And then in another flashback, Juliet’s boobs are like ♪♪ BOOOORN FREEEEE, FREEEER THAN THE WIIIIND BLOOOOWS♪♪
And once she put her tits away, she was lounging romantically with Goodormir, and she was like, “Darling, tell me a story from your homeland. A story about Gondor.”
“Well, if you insist, dahhhling.”
“Once upon a time in a land not too unlike our own, a plane full of strangers crashed on a magical island.”
“Were they all killed?”
“Quite the contrary! Their plane split in two, and a tiny Prince called Benjamin sent his people to investigate.”
“Now one night, this prince asked a beautiful young maiden to accompany him for dinner. ‘I have cooked you this delicious ham!’ he tittered with glee. ‘I hope this feast will convince you that I am the man you love!’”
“But the young maiden’s heart already belonged to another. Being gracious and kind, she let the prince down easily. That is, until he brought up Sir Goodwin, a brave knight from the kingdom of Gondor. For this was the man she loved, and the prince knew this.”
“What a second…why are you talking about yourself in third person? This doesn’t make any sense…”
“I’m higher than a kite, my love! Just roll with it, okay? Quit harshing my mellow.”
“When will you bring my brave knight home, my liege? He must be yearning to sleep in his own bed this night. With me. Because we’re lovers. Don’t forget that.”
“The Prince was obviously taken aback by the maiden’s words. ‘Your precioussss Goodwin has been sent on a special mission….ummm, actually, you should probably see this.”
“So the prince and the maiden journeyed through the mountains and as they approached a valley, what they saw horrified them!”
“Charlie was being attacked by a huge, hideous creature!”
“And this foul beast was aiming arrows right at Sir Goodwin’s heart!”
“And so he laid down and died, twas a noble, tragic thing to see.”
“Poor, poor Goodomir! My poor, beloved potsmoking hippie!”
“And the maiden wept and wept until she could weep no longer, stricken by the sheer horro…”
“Okay, I think story time is over. I get the gist of it.”
“Wait, wait, I haven’t gotten to the best part yet!”
“So the prince now knows that his lady’s heart cannot belong to another, so what does he do?”
“MINE MINE MINE!!!!!!”
“MY OWN! MY PRECIOUSSSS! Suck on that, GOODWIN! More like BADWIN! Aaaanywho, I’m going to go beat a fish over a rock, call me when you’re ready to go.”
“The Maiden’s entire world fell apart around her! The man she loved was dead, the man she hated claimed ownership over her, and all was lost!”
“Well, now that I want to kill myself, let’s continue with the present time, shall we?”
SO ANYWAY, Juliet has now abandoned Jack in the jungle because he wouldn’t stop making that goddamn noise. So she runs into this hatchy thing and it’s like ALARMS ALARMS DEATH IS IMMINENT!;lzksdf;l’!!!!
And Daniel is like, “WE JUST WANTED TO PLAY WITH THE WONKAVISION! IT WAS CHARLOTTE’S IDEA!! WE’RE SORRY! WE’RE SORRY!!!!”
And Charlotte is all, “OOMPA LOOMPA DOOPITY DOO, I’VE GOT A VERY GOOD QUESTION FOR YOU…”
And the Wonkavision is just like S;LKJF;LKASDJKLSD PREPARE FOR LUDICROUS SPEED.
“TELL US HOW TO TURN OFF THIS DAMN GAS, OR ELSE I’LL DOOMPA DOOPITY KICK YOUR BLONDE ASS!!”
And Daniel’s all, “GIIIIRL FIIIIIIGHT!!!” and the girls kick each other’s asses while Daniel magically pushes some buttons and fixes everything! Good thing we have a mad scientist around, right??
So then Jack and Juliet meet up again, and you think that since she’s been through an awful lot today that he’s there to comfort her…
But then he manages to make it all about him and HE’S the one that starts crying! *PROJECTION JEARS*
And then they made out, which made you either squee with delight or want to barf, depending on where your ~*allegiances*~ lie.
And then Sawyer and Hurley are like, “HEY DON’T FORGET ABOUT US! WE’RE THE FUN-LOVING CUDDLY ONES!” and we’re all like AWWW MAH GOD I MISS YOU TWO SCRUFFY BASTARDS!!!
And then Ben’s all, “HOUSEKEEPING!!! You want towel? You want mint for PILLOH?”
And Sawyer and Hurley are like, “There goes the neighborhood.”