Previously, on Lost:
Alrighty then so first thing’s first Alex and Karl were hanging out at Benry’s crib and they were all looking like Calvin Klein models like:
Alex: Moisture is the essence of wetness…
Karl: Wetness is the essence of beauty…
Anyway Locke’s telling his motley
crue crew his Master Plan, which involves making Miles sing for his supper.
He was all, “Um….awkward….okay well we’re here to kidnap Ben and then kill all y’all. Sry.”
“Even me? But…I’m super hot.”
“Well it’s kind of like process of elimination, you dig?”
“First the farmer kills the wife…”
“The wife kills the child…”
“The child kills a dog…”
“The dog kills a cat…”
“The cat kills a rat…”
“…and then cheese…stands alone.”
“Is someone cheese in this scenario?”
“I am, you mouth breather. I am the cheese.”
So then Karl is like, “Alex my dear, I am looking dapper this evening and you are looking lovely. What would you say if I asked you to come for a phosphate at the malt shop? We could Eskimo kiss and I will hold your hand tenderly in mine…”
But Ben’s like, “GET AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER, YOU PERVERTED MANWHORE!!” *Psycho theme plays ominously*
And we were like KARL BE CAREFUL OMG!! DADDY NO LIKEY!!
Meanwhile, back on the freighter…
“Why are you here, SWINE!?”
“I’m…on…vacation? With…mah boy?”
“LISTEN TO ME, BOY. I AM SAYID JARRAH, HE OF THE MASTERS IN PWNACITY. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING TO SQUIRM YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE. I WILL TAKE YOU OUT FOR A MEAL WITH MR. AND MRS. PAIN. ORDER YOU UP SOME VIOLENT QUICHE.”
“Aye Brothah, I would listen to him if I were yoo, you don’t wanta taste his pain.”
“YOU SEE THIS?? THIS IS THE VORTEX OF DOOM THAT AWAITS YOU UNLESS YOU CONFESS WHAT IT IS YOU AH DOING HERE. I WILL SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL DEMENTOR-STYLE, BELIEVE YOU ME.”
“OKAY OKAY!! I’ll tell you why I’m here! Just leave my soul alone, DAMN!”
So Michael starts weaving his elaborate tale…
He was home, and everything sucked. He had resorted to listening to Morrissey records 24/7.
So then he got in his car and he was like WAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!11! and crashed right into it. Which should have killed him.
But then he all woke up and was like “THAT WALL WAS ‘SPOSED TO TAKE MY LIFE…RIGHT OUTTA MY HANDS!!”
But then zombie!Libby was all, “Jus’ hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da’ rebound on da’ med side.”
“What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!”
“Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don’ want no help, chump don’t GET da’ help!”
“THIS IS NOT RELEVANT. I DO NOT SPEAK JIVE.”
“Okay okay, so I went to my mom’s house to see Walt…”
“YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE, MICHAEL. AND THIS IS COMING STRAIGHT FROM YOUR MOMMA. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU, OR WHY YOU’RE NOT DEAD, OR WHY WAAAAAAAALT!!!!11! WON’T TALK TO NO ONE, BUT YOU BEST CLIMB ABOARD THE S.S. FAILBOAT AND GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HERE.”
And then Taller Ghost Walt was like, “…Vincent? Is that you?”
And we were like HEY WALT, REMEMBER WHEN YOU WEREN’T OLD ENOUGH TO ENLIST??
Then Michael went and
pwned pawned Jin’s watch for a gun, and he was ready to end it all! Nobody can live with their own mom calling them a douchebag, you just can’t do it.
But then out of the shadows, Tom is all “Hey buddy, you wanna talk it over or something? Hm? Wanna rest your head on Big Tom’s fluffy man pillows?”
“NEVAR!!!! AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“You can’t kill me, you ass! I’m Ben’s whorecrux! And anyway, you’ve killed enough people this month *cough*Ana-LuciaLibby*cough* And don’t go trying to off yourself, the island says IXNAY ON THE UICIDESAY.”
But Michael didn’t believe him so he was just like “G2G, CRUEL WORLD!!!!!!!” and then gun kind of jammed and nothing happened!!
So then Tom’s like, “Whenever you’re done not killing yourself, come and see me. Just follow the sounds of Cher. You’ll know where to go.”
So then after trying to kill himself one more time (can’t this guy do ANYTHING right!?) he perks his ears up, catches a bit of “Do You Believe in Life After Love” and follows it to a swanky hotel…
“HAIIIIIiiiiiiiiii! I’m Arturo, Tom’s Fabulously Gay Playmate!!”
Michael quickly wondered if Arturo recognized him from that gig he used to have at Woody’s back in ’95…
“No way, they wouldn’t recognize me without the sequin mini…”
Meanwhile Tom and Arturo are engaging in some heavy petting…
When Michael’s like, “Listen, I have a lot to do tonight, between the suicide attempts and dinner I don’t have much time to stand here and…watch.”
“I like my men like I like my wine: cheap and European. *chuckles* Listen Mike, we need a tiny favor. You need to board the S.S. Failboat ASAP. Thnx.”
“The guy who owns the boat sank a fake plane full of bodies. Crazy old bastard. He likes it when people watch him pee too…”
“Here’s your new ID. Don’t even ask where I got that picture of you. Let’s just say I have connections at Woody’s.” *WINK*
So then Michael gets orders that he’s going to kill a bunch of people for no good reason, but he’s okay with that. He’s kind of used to it. So he climbs aboard the Failboat….
But then he meets some of the “evll” people he’s supposed to kill and they’re actually kinda nice.
After a few days on the boat Michael finds at least one guy he wouldn’t mind offing.
“HEY! I HAVE A STUPID HAIRCUT AND A BAD ATTITUDE!”
“But the ladies love my glistening biceps!!” *wails on air guitar and shoots stuff*
After about 30 seconds Michael feels the need to kill himself again, and this time I can’t say I don’t blame him. Those guys are douchebags!!
So he breaks out this bomb device thingy and he’s all BIG MONEY BIG MONEY NO WHAMMIES!!! and detonates it!!!
But then the bomb is like LOLOLOL SO LONG SUCKER, SEE YA NEXT FALL!
And Michael’s like “OHHHHH YOU WASCALLY WABBIT I’LL GET YOU IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!!!”
And then Ben’s like, “Did someone say rabbit?? I’m in the market for a new one, I think I just ate Number Eight for dinner last night…”
And Number Eight was like, “What the frak!? Hey watch your mouth, bub!! I’m someone’s mother you know.”
And all the non-Battlestar Galactica people were like “WTF Ack, this is a Lost recap, not BSG” but then I was all, “BUT GUYS IT COMES BACK IN 3 DAYS. L;KSDF;KLSD”
So Michael’s all, “Walt, I knew your voice changed, but you sound so creepy all of the sudden…”
“It’s Ben, you jackass. Now listen to my sinister plan while I sit here in my PJ’s…”
So then Ben told Michael to gather information and throw various monkey wrenches in various engines and generally go all punk rock on the Failboat.
Which leads us up to…
“…so that Tom person was gay?”
“Have you been listening to ANYTHING I’ve said in the last hour?? Forget Tom, I’M WORKING FOR BEN!!!”
So then Sayid’s like “THIS IS AN OUTRAAAAAGE!!!” and breaks out his torcha-ing scrunchie!!
And Sayid’s like “BASTAAAAAAAAARD!!!!!!”
And Michael’s like “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!!!”
And Desmond’s like “OCHHHHH BROTHAHHHH!!!”
And it was all rather noisy.
So the Captain’s like, “I probably have something important to say…”
“But that can wait for sweeps. See ya April 24th!”
And back in the jungle Karl doesn’t actually come out and say LOL I’M DEAD IN 20 SECONDS but he says the next best thing…
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this…”
“You’re so cute when you quote Star Wars! Do Yoda do Yoda!!”
“Death is a natural part of life. Mourn me do not. Miss me do not. Laterz.”
And Alex is like FREAKING OUT and Danielle is like “LISTEN TO ME, GIRL! I APOLOGIZE FOR TALKING THIS CLOSE TO YOUR FACE, I KNOW I HAVE NOT BRUSHED MY TEETH IN 16 YEARS, BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT: YOU NEED TO COME WITH ME RIGHT NOW. WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH KARL’S BODY?”
“I THINK WE SHOULD PUT MUSTARD ON IT…?”
“OMGNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” *falls in slow motion*
“I’M REALLY SORRY, LOST FANS!! YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT A MONTH TO SEE IF MY MOM IS DEAD!!! ”
Except she totally isn’t.