My own personal list of the most OH MY GOD, WHAT THE EFF moments on Lost, to help us get through this ridiculously long hiatus.
50. Future Jack and Future Kate engaged: Skaters everywhere cry into their fish biscuit-shaped pillows.
49. Carl learns that God loves you as He loved Jacob: We learn that the Lost Writers love A Clockwork Orange as Alex loved his droogs.
48. Christian is Michael’s Grim Reaper: The island sent him to tell Michael, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
47. Jack scores a touchdown for the Otherville Polar Bears football team; Tom eagerly anticipates the moment Coach Pickett barks “Hit the showers!” and he can finally use his “You can be my Tight End” joke.
46. Chuck Widmore declares, “That island’s mine, Benjamin.” Benjamin retorts, “Nuh-uhhh!” We all say, “…WHAAAA!?”
45. Daniel’s rocket proves there is a curious time delay between the island and the outside world; ordering a pizza must be a nightmare.
44. The Tailies Live! And they’re being kidnapped! Via grocery list!
43. Keamy kills Alex in cold blood: Ben’s heart grows 3 sizes that day.
42. There are two islands: Sawyer never thought he’d long for the safety and comfort of Craphole Island.
41. Claire spends some Quality Time with Daddy Shephard in Jacob’s cabin and astral projects herself into Kate’s dreams; kind of like Freddie Kruger, only tiny and blond.
40. Locke’s father is the Real Sawyer: “I’ve gone by Anthony Cooper, Adam Seward, Tom Sawyer…but if you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal. I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can call me Al.”
39. The smoke monster grabs Locke: Locke looks into the eye of the island and what he sees is beautiful; the eye of the island looks into Locke and concludes he’s just not that into him.
38. What did Man of Science, Man of Faith teach us, other than Jack looks awesome with bangs? That dude Jack met on the bleachers is that dude in the Hatch. Brothah.
37. Sayid proves Ben isn’t Henry Gale: Ben proves he’s got the worst fake ID since McLovin.
36. Future Sayid is working for Future Ben: The benefits package is total shit, but the paid tuition for night classes at the Jack Bauer Institute for Pwnage is pretty sweet.
35. Penny answers phone call from mysterious Portugese guys: She was actually surprised when it wasn’t just Ben breathing heavily into the phone.
34. Desmond can see tha few-chah and/or time travel: Crystal ball and/or Tardis not required.
33. Psychic tells Claire she must be the one to raise her baby: Brangelina are disappointed they won’t be getting that Australian kid they were promised.
32. Charlie’s trippy visions: Now we know the “H” in Jesus H. Christ stands for Hugo.
31. Kate finds The Others’ “Village People” costumes: Apart from Tom’s hat and beard, she found a construction helmet and moustache, cowboy hat and moustache, sailor hat and moustache, cop’s helmet and moustache, and an Indian headdress which, while missing a moustache, included a well-worn loincloth.
30. Taller Ghost Walt: Helping fatally injured middle-aged men escape from death pits since 2004!
29. A map of the island is hidden on the Hatch’s blast door: Finally, they can find that damn Dharma IHOP they keep hearing about.
28. Libby was in the same mental ward as Hurley: She’s currently working through “Baby Steps” by Dr. Leo Marvin.
27. Ben kidnapped Alex and raised her as his own: Nancy Grace would have a field day.
26. Richard doesn’t age and Patchy can’t be killed: The only plausible explanation at this point? They’re Cylons.
25. Ben’s “Magic Box” yields the World’s Biggest Dick: So many “That’s what she said” jokes, so little time.
24. Locke’s crazy Boone visions: Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs, Lost viewers’ mouths fall open, Lost viewers’ brains leak out of their ears.
23. Mr. Eko gets one on one time with Smokey: Of course the security system goes off when the black guy wanders past.
22. Ana-Lucia shoots and kills Shannon: There’s a new bitch in town, kids – and we’d all best get used to it.
21. Charlie tells Desmond it’s not Penny’s boat: Desmond replies, “A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head!”
20. The Others live in a quaint island village: Too bad they can’t order babies along with their collared shirts and khakis from the J. Crew catalog.
19. Walt is kidnapped and the raft is blown to smithereens:
God Jacob forbid the Others just say “Please.”
18. Yemi’s plane crash-landed on the island: That’s what you get when you buy one of Expedia’s Super Discount Tickets.
17. If anything goes wrong, Desmond will be Daniel’s Constant: If anything goes right, Desmond will be MY Constant.
16. Michael gets message on Hatch computer: It wasn’t actually Walt, but that guy from To Catch a Predator.
**The Others apparently kidnapped moments 14 and 15**
13. The secret Orientation video: Worst. Porn. Ever.
12. Electromagnetic discharge causes sky to turn purple, our brains to melt.
11. Locke meets his maker and says, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” God says, “…oh YEAH!?”
10. Hurley’s numbers are on the Hatch: Jacob knew he shouldn’t have left his PIN number laying around like that.
9. The 4-toed statue: Apparently Jebediah Springfield was the captain of the Black Rock.
8. Jacob speaks to Locke: He just flew in from Xenu’s summer bungalow, and boy are his arms tired!
7. Locke was in a wheelchair!!! And he got thrown out a frickin’ window by his dad!!!!: He obviously wins the Daddy Issues Contest the island is running.
6. The Hatch lights up:
I’ve done everything you wanted me to do! So why did you do this to me!?
*light goes on*
*DIEZ AND IZ DED* Look, now we know that was just Desmond turning on the light in the hatch, but at the time, I nearly had an aneurysm.
5. Michael goes on killing spree, murdering Ana-Lucia and Libby, shoots himself, and frees Benry Gale: The Lost writers’ old one-two. Four totally shocking events in a 30-second span that bombarded your brain until it was goo.
4. Ben moves the island: He would have asked his friends to help him move, but…he doesn’t have any.
3. Sawyer kills the polar bear: Say it with me kids, O M G W T F POLAR BEAR.
…What, you didn’t hear about the polar bear?
2. Jack’s flash forward: Fake beard: $50. Denim Jacket: $45. Our reaction when we figured out that bearded mess was FUTURE Jack? PRICELESS.
1. French transmission:
Please help us. They are all dead. They are dead. It killed them. It killed them all.
We may know who “they” are, and we may know what “it” was that killed “them,” but that transmission still gives us goosebumps when we hear it, amiright??
So obviously there was no way to list every single WTF Lost moment, but I’d love to know: What would have made your list?
You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.
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