This week on Lost, we meet Jacob and Smokey’s mother(s), we sneak a peek into the heart of the island, and we see how to turn a man into a monster in one easy step.
Around the same time Jesus H. Christ was hitting puberty,
Minnie Driver this pretty lady found herself paddling for land, yet another shipwreck victim being sucked towards the island, having no idea what was in store for her.
Once she got to the shore, we realized that this chick was pregnant, and as we all know by now, that did not bode well for her or the pea in her pod. She’s hanging out at this stream when this Woman comes up to her and she’s like, “Hi there, that’s a very nice red dress you have.”
When the pregnant chick seems apprehensive about this besmocked stranger, the Woman goes, “Hi, I’m Allison Janney. You may remember me from such television programs as The West Wing and The Guiding Light, or such motion pictures as American Beauty, Juno, and 10 Things I Hate About You.”
“WTF is television? I’m still trying to wrap my mind around what an aqueduct is, one step at a time, okay?”
So the Woman brings Minnie Driver to her jungle lair, where they had a less than enlightening conversation:
Minnie Driver: Where are the rest of your people?
Woman: There’s only me.
Minnie Driver: How did you get here?
Woman: Don’t worry about it.
Minnie Driver: I need to go find the people from my ship…
Woman: Nope, I don’t think so.
Minnie Driver: But why?
Woman: Because I said so.
Minnie Driver: You’re not the boss of me, why won’t you let me leave??
Woman: I don’t have to answer that.
Minnie Driver: Yes you do, why won’t you answer me!?
Woman: Because every question I answer will simply lead to another question.
“Excuse me, I believe that that’s our line!?”
Anyway, Minnie Driver goes into labor, and from the sounds of it, giving birth in a jungle cave totally sucks ass.
But it’s all worth it when this little bundle of joy comes popping out, and Minnie Driver says she’s naming him Jacob after her favorite tween werewolf heartthrob.
But there’s a problem! Minnie Driver’s baby bump is still awfully bumpy considering the kid had already vacated the premises! And she starts screaming again, and then another baby comes out (honestly I wish he would have come out as a tiny cloud of black smoke) and we’re like ;s’dlfk’a;lsdkfl;asd OMG JACOB AND SMOKEY ARE TWINS!
Audience: SO ARE YOU GOING TO NAME HIM EDWARD AFTER YOUR SECOND FAVORITE TWEEN HEARTTHROB?
Minnie Driver: omg this is so embarrassing but I totally didn’t pick out a second name!
Audience: IT’S OKAY, JUST DO IT NOW…UH…QUICKLY.
Minnie Driver: Well I need to think long and hard about this, a name is very important after all, and I’d hate for him to run around his whole life without one…hmmm…
Audience: YOU’RE KILLING ME, SMALLS!
The woman wraps the babies in ~*symbolic*~ cloths, grabs the nearest coconut, and smashes Minnie Driver’s pretty head into a jelly.
But she apologized before she did it. So I guess in her mind that means it’s okay.
It’s 13 years later, and this Zac Efron-looking mofo with the Bieber comb-over is Lil’ Smokey! His mother could have easily named him after any tweenybopper of her choosing, but of course now it’s much too late. Good thing he and his bro are color-coded for our convenience.
So this game has washed up on the shore, and it’s got a board and white rocks and
Black Rock black rocks, and Lil’ Smokey has done what any 13-year-old kid would do – make up his own rules and then force his brother to play with him!
He barely has to say a word before we realize Jacob is obviously the Jan Brady in this scenario.
Jacob: I don’t want to play your stupid game! I’m gonna go tell Mom!
Smokey: Watch it, jerk!
Jacob: Shut up, idiot!
Jacob: Scab eater!
Smokey: Butt sniffer!
Jacob: Pus licker!
Smokey: Fart smeller!
While Gooofus plays games at the beach, Gallant goes back to help his mother and tell her that his brother found a game, which is apparently forbidden.
Woman: I know about the game, Child Whom I Never Named, Apparently.
Smokey: Man, he told you? Jacob really is a butt sniffer.
Woman: Well sweetie, Jacob just doesn’t know how to lie. What a dumbass, right?
Woman: You’re not like Jacob. You’re…special.
“Special? Like me? Right? Special like me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?” *crickets*
Smokey: What’s out there across the sea, Mother?
Audience: *lol episode title*
Woman: Pay no attention to the world across the sea! The island is all that exists, trust me.
Smokey: Then where did I come from?
Woman: Immaculate conception. That’s really going around these days.
Smokey: What is death, Mother?
Audience: This kid’s lived on an island for 13 years and has never seen a dead animal? WTF?
Woman: Don’t worry about death my boy, I’ve taken care of that. *WINK*
Smokey: What does that even mean?
Audience: YEAH, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?
Later, the Lost Boys are frolicking through the jungle after a wild boar (seriously, how did this kid not know what DEATH was? LOL) when all of the sudden they hear something up ahead!
It looks as though a couple of Lord of the Rings extras have wandered onto the set, and they kill the boar with their Elven-made swords or some shit, and the boys freak out and run home.
Apparently while they didn’t know what death was, they immediately knew what men looked like, despite never having seen another soul in their lives.
Boys: There are men on the island!
Woman: They’re not supposed to be here.
Boys: And we are?
Woman: We are here for a reason!
Locke: I believe that’s my line?
Boys: What reason?
Woman: It’s not time for you to know yet!
Eloise: And I believe that’s my line!
Woman: People are dangerous. They come. They fight. They destroy. They corrupt. It always ends the same.
Adult Smokey: And that would be my line.
Woman: Just remember what I’ve always taught you boys.
Boys: God loves a workin’ man, and don’t trust Whitey.
Woman: Very good.
Boys: But we’re people too, will we hurt/destroy/corrupt each other?
Woman: I’ve made it so you can never hurt each other.
Audience: No, not, “Oh!” PLZ TO BE EXPLAINING THIS. THANKS.
So their mother shows the twins this magical glowy cave of wonder that is emanating this bright golden light! And she tells them that this Hot Pocket of energy is why they’re there – to protect it! This light in the cave is inside every man, and since they’re so greedy they always want more of it. So their job is to make sure the men don’t find it because if they steal it, and the light goes out here, the light goes out everywhere.
Audience: So there is a magical “cave” full of warm, glowing “light” that all men “want,” but can’t have because it will sully mankind’s “innocence?”
Lost Writers: Precisely.
Audience: Paging Dr. Freud!
So anyway this Woman tells the boys that one of them will come to protect this
giant vagina Magic Cave someday, and the kids are pretty stoked about it.
Lil’ Smokey’s like, “Okay so this is how it works. Two players. Two sides. One is light, one is dark.”
Jacob says he’s not down with Smokey making up the rules as he goes along, and Smokey tells him that it’s okay – one day Jacob will make up his own game and everyone else will have to follow his rules! Jacob just doesn’t realize yet that his game will involve mirrors and crashed planes and Manscara and Flannery O’Connor novels and New Kids on the Block lunchboxes.
Then Ghost Mom shows up and tells Smokey that she wants to show him where he came from, and I don’t think she means Allison Janney’s – uh – magical glowy cave.
Which totally reminded me of when Ben’s mom came to visit him when he was just a Villain-in-Training.
Anyway, Jacob being the not ~*special*~ one of course couldn’t see this chick, and Smokey went to follow the woman without telling Jacob what he was doing because apparently their fake mom never gave them the “never talk to strangers” lesson.
She lead him to Ye Olde Othertowne, where the other people from her shipwreck had been living all these years!
Ghost Mom told Lil’ Smokey all about how he really did come from across the sea, and that these are his people, and that she was his real mom! She even told him about her Death By Coconut!
So Smokey runs back home and wakes up Jacob so they can go start their new lives as Lord of the Rings extras, but Jacob freaks out and beats the shit out of Smokey! The Woman can hear the angst from a mile away and when she finds the boys, Smokey is spilling the beans!
“Mother is a liar and a murderer and creepy and sadistic and overbearing and so overprotective that she cast a magical spell over us that we can’t hurt each other? I mean seriously? She is a crazy bitch, Jacob!”
“You kiss your mother with that mouth!?”
Smokey: I WOULD IF YOU HADN’T KILLED HER, YOU HOMICIDAL MANIAC! I’M GOING TO LIVE WITH THE OTHERS, BITCH.
Woman: Looks like somebody woke up today with a case of the Mommy Issues!
Right before he went storming off toward Ye Olde Othertowne, the Woman told Smokey he’d never be able to leave the island!
Smokey: DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CANT DO! *stomps away*
Audience: Well why not?
Lost Writers: Don’t worry about it.
Audience: Can’t you just explain it a little?
Lost Writers: Every question we answer will simply lead to…
Audience: Yeah, yeah, that’s what we thought you’d say.
So later on, Jacob and the Woman have a heart to heart on the beach in which the Woman explains that she had to kill Minnie Driver in order to keep Jacob and Smokey good. Because nothing says “good” like murdering a woman and stealing her newborn babies!
Jacob: Why do you love Smokey more than me? It’s always Marcia this and Marcia that! Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Woman: Uhhh…I love you in different ways. I love Smokey because he’s a special and unique snowflake that’s meant to save mankind. I love you because I have you totally whipped.
Jacob: No wonder I turned out to be such a dickhead.
30 years later…
Jacob: Do you like my beautiful tapestry, Mother? It’s a portrait of you.
Jacob: Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It’s probably the best tapestry I’ve ever made.
Woman: It’s really…neat.
So apparently Jacob’s been going to visit his brother secretly all this time! Who’d a thunk it!?
Jacob: How do you always win? This game blows ass.
Smokey: Yo bro – hate the player, don’t hate the game.
Jacob: How about I hate both? J slash K, brother. You know I heart you.
Jacob: Was Mommy Dearest right about these plebes after all? They don’t seem so bad.
Smokey: That’s easy to say from up on that high horse of yours. As a whole mankind is…
Smokey explains that people may suck, but they’re a means to an end – they’re going to help him get off this island! And with that he takes the special dagger we’ve seen so much this season and throws it at this well, and it sticks to the side, and Smokey’s all, “FUCKIN’ MAGNETS, HOW DO THEY WORK?”
Smokey: We figured out a way to get off this island. Come with us!
Jacob: But Mother says we can’t leave.
Smokey: Well I’m leaving, I don’t care what that crazy old hag says.
Jacob: Welllll…will you look at the time?
Smokey: You’d better not go and tell her what I’m doing!
Jacob: Of course I won’t, what kind of brother do you think I am?
Jacob: …so I think he’s leaving soon. Also, he called you a hag.
Woman: Good boy.
So the Woman pays a visit to Smokey, who is working down in his magical magnetic well!
Woman: So you’ve found the light? And the other people have seen it too?
Woman: You have no idea how dangerous…you have no idea what that light IS!
Smokey: WE HAVE NO IDEA BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T TELL US WHAT IT IS.
Audience: HEY WAIT, THAT IS OUR LINE!
Smokey explains that they are going to harness the power of the light with a system that uses water and that big ass donkey wheel, and when it’s all done they’re gonna turn the wheel and he’ll get off the island!
So like, PAPER hasn’t been invented yet, but these people can make a freaking island-moving time machine. Right, right.
Smokey drops his “I’m special” line again, he tells her he’s leaving and that this is goodbye. So she gives him a tearful hug and then crushes his head into a jelly on the well wall. Crush crush crush.
But she apologized before she did it. So I guess in her mind that means it’s okay.
The Woman wakes Jacob up in the middle of the night to tell him that the time has come – it’s his turn to protect the light! Whatever the frak that means!
Jacob: What’s down there?
Woman: It’s the source of life, the universe, and everything.
Woman: It’s the heart of the island. The source of life and death and rebirth.
Jacob: Okay, so…can I touch it?
Woman: No. To touch it would be to suffer a fate worse than death. It’s the worst thing ever, basically. Never, ever, EVER go in there. Blech. *shudders*
Jacob: How do you know so much about it? Did you touch it?
Woman: Now STFU and take this wine!
Woman: Do you, Jacob, take the island to be your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?
Jacob: Aw gee, Mother, if I gotta.
Woman: Well you do gotta. And then one day you will find your own replacement. I highly recommend stealing babies, it seemed to work out pretty well.
Woman: If anyone feels this couple should not be united in Holy Matrimony, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Jacob: Wait a second, you always wanted it to be him, but now I’m all you’ve got so I’m the one who has to do this?
Woman: Nooo…uh…it was always supposed to be you, baby!
Jacob: O RLY?
Woman: YA RLY. And anyway, you don’t have a choice.
Jacob: Wait a minute, wha?
Woman: Bottom’s up!
And Jacob drank the magical wine, and the Woman said they were the same now, whatever the hell that means.
Meanwhile, Smokey awakens from his little nap to find that his crazy bitch of a mother has filled in his well!
Audience: Seriously? How could an old woman fill in a giant well all by herself like that?
Lost Writers: idk maybe she’s Smokey Part I?
The possibility that the Woman is also a Smoke Monster makes even more sense once we see what she managed to do to the village! I mean…HOLY SHIT! She has made a Mess O’ Potamia! There are barbecued Others all over the damn place!
“Mother, I guess you could say you really…”
“…go to your room.”
If she thought her day was already tough, she had another thing coming. Smokey saw all the death and destruction the Woman doled out and lost it.
Well, in Otherville they say that Smokey’s black heart got three times more evil that day!
He took his magic dagger, and without letting the Woman utter a word (sound familiar??) he stabbed her right in the gut!!!
And he’s all, “Why didn’t you let me leave?” and she’s all, “Because I love you!” and we’re like “That is a lame excuse!”
But then she THANKS him for killing her, and we start to realize that OMG she had to have known this was going to happen! That’s why she made Jacob marry the island! Because her time was over! ‘Cause nothin lasts forever.
Even cold November rain.
*sweet ass guitar solo*
And then we finally got to see the thing that many of us have been waiting to see for like 5 years. ;lfkas;’dlkfa’l;dsfk;lds
Smokey: Brother! You should have seen what she did!
Jacob: I AM A HOT LITTLE POTATO RIGHT NOW, YOU’D BETTER SHUT YOUR YAP, MISTER.
Smokey: You can’t kill me! She made it so you can’t kill me!
Jacob: I’LL DO YOU ONE BETTER.
So he literally sends his brother up the river, and he lets his body float right down the magical waterfall!!!!!! And we’re like OMGWTF Z;SK’A;SDKFA’;SDL
Jacob, immediately regretting his little mantrum, stands there for a moment before we hear it – TCH-TCH-TCH-TCH TCH-TCH-TCH-TCH a’;sdlfka;l’sdfksd
AND SMOKEY COMES FLYING OUT OF THE CAVE, ALL “I’M A MOOOOONSTEEEERRRR!!!!!!!!” AGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
So I guess Jacob felt kind of bad that he just caused his brother’s soul to be ripped out of his body OR WHATEVER THE HELL JUST HAPPENED because he sits there and weeps over his sibling’s corpse.
And Shannon and Boone are like, “Yes, it all feels very familiar, we know.”
So Jacobs carries Smokey’s body to the caves, where he lays him down next to his mother’s body, and he makes the two bodies hold hands because that’s not super creepy/Oedipal or anything.
Lost Writers: Check this out, we just wanted to remind you guys that…
Audience: Adam and Eve? Trust us, we didn’t forget!
Lost Writers: No, we just wanted to remind you guys that there was a time Matthew Fox didn’t wax his chest. LOL.
But Locke (the REAL Locke, none of this Flocke-ness Monster/Sideways Locke bull) reminded us about Adam and Eve anyway…
…and it was hard for us hardcore Lost nerds not to get goosebumps, amiright??
So Jacob said a eugoogly for his family, and walked back home, hoping there was still some magic wine left somewhere for him.
“Island, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
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