This week on Lost, Hurley has a date with destiny, Michael says “Hi,” Ilana says, “Bye,” Mocke shows Desmond the inside of a well, and Desmond turns into a Hit (and Run) Man.
PF Chang: ..thanks to his insatiable appetite for delicious fried chicken and also philanthropy, our Man of the Year truly stands out as one righteous dude. It’s clear that Everybody Loves Hugo!
Audience: lol episode title
“Put your hands together (and I have two of them in Sideways World, bitches!) for Huuuuugoooooo Reyeeeees!”
It’s easy to see why everybody loves Hugo! I mean look at this guy! He’s like the rich guy we all claim we’d be if we magically became rich guys!
But not everyone is so impressed. His mom is all, “Oh sure, eeeverybody loves Hoo-go. You know who doesn’t love Hoo-go? Women.”
“Right, ma. Because a super nice bazillionaire wouldn’t have chicks throwing themselves at him all the time.”
(I mean seriously, for a show with Smoke Monsters and people that talk to ghosts, this might be one of the most unbelievable things they’ve ever attempted, amiright??)
“HOO-GO, MY INTERNAL GRANDMOTHER CLOCK IS TICKING. YOU NEED TO FIND A WOMAN SO YOU CAN MAKE ME SOME NIETOS. I set you up on a blind date with Rosalita. You’ll go and meet her at a cheap Mexican restaurant because that’s what a millionaire would do.”
On the island, Hurley is visiting Libby’s grave and letting her know that if she ever felt like recreating any scenes from Ghost with him, he’d be down with that.
Ilana: Whose grave?
Hurley: My Tailie almost-girlfriend who got murdered in Season 2.
Ilana: Man, that sucks when someone’s on the show for a while only to get killed off unexpectedly just when they were starting to get interesting.
Hurley: Speaking of which…how’s that dynamite coming along?
Ilana: I’m going to grab some from the infinite supply in the Black Rock. I’m going to blow up that plane if it’s the last thing I do.
Lost Writers: …lol.
Just as Ilana walked away, Hurley heard something whispering through the breeze that sounded kind of like, “waaaaaaaaaaaalt!!!1!” and we were like OH NUH-UH.
It was Michael! And he was as ornery as ever! And he’s like, “Listen to me, Hurley! If you blow up that plane, people are going to die. If you don’t blow up that plane, people are still going to die. But they will be people no one really cares about, so it’s the better option in this scenario.”
Jack: Who are you talking to? I thought I heard someone yelling about MAH BOY over here…
Hurley: It’s nothing, dude. Just the Ghost of Seasons Past.
So Hurley’s on this cheap ass blind date with NO ONE because I’m sure someone would really stand up a MILLIONAIRE, when all of the sudden this chick walks up to Hurley and is all…
Libby: Are your legs tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
Hurley: Are you Rosalita? I wasn’t expecting you to be so…
“Look, I know this sounds like a cheesy pickup line, but I think you’re my soul mate from another life! I often have visions of you and I together in a tropical paradise! Do you remember me? I’m definitely not crazy!”
“Please pay no attention to the crazy lady, sir. This Fajita Field Trip was clearly too much for her fragile little mind. Come now, Elizabeth.”
So Libby got carted away to the Cuckoo’s Nest, leaving Hurley bewildered, dejected, and smelling like enchiladas. But there was one thing he just had to say…
Hurley: Hey Doc!
Hurley: I loved you in X-Men!
After his ghost pow-wow with Michael, Hurley marched right over to Ilana and Manscara and he’s like “Dudes we can’t blow up the plane, there has to be another way!”
“Look. I know what I’m doing. I’ve been training for this my whole life. I’m a skilled mercenary. I’m not just some retard who has no idea how to handle super old dynamite. I mean, what do you take me for, some pissy high school science teach….”
TNT, SHE WON’T WIN THE FIGHT
TNT, SHE’S A POWER LOAD
TNT WATCH HER EXPLOOOOODE!!!!!!!
So Hurley looks at Richard and he’s like, “Dude, you’ve got some Ilana on you.”
Richard: OMG. OMG. THAT WAS…THAT WAS…only a slight kink in our plans. Time to move on.
Hurley: Time to move on? She just blew up like 7 seconds ago! Pieces of her are still falling from the sky!
Richard: Get a hold of yourself, man! We have precious little time!
Sawyer: I want you to stop whittling your wood long enough to talk to me.
Mocke: That’s. What. She. Said.
Kate: Hey look! I got a line in this episode!
Sawyer: Remind the audience what Team Mocke is up to, will ya?
Mocke: We’re waiting to rendezvous with the other candidates.
Mocke: Then we’ll all go to the plane together.
Mocke: So I can kill you all at once.
Sawyer: Ri…wait, what??
Mocke: LOL did I say kill? I MEANT SAVE.
And then Iraqi Eeyore, who is acting more and more like someone in an antidepressant commercial leads Locke away into the trees…
Disembodied Voice: Are you turning into a person you don’t recognize?
Disembodied Voice: Is it hard for you to enjoy the things you have always loved?
Sayid: Torcha-ing is just no fun anymore.
Disembodied Voice: Do you feel tired, hopeless, and empty inside?
Disembodied Voice: Talk to your doctor about Zombutrin, which can help alleviate symptoms of being a walking corpse possessed by evil.
So anyway, Eeyore leads Mocke to a clearing where he has tied “The Package” to a tree!
“Hey there, Box Man. Long time no see.”
After grieving the loss of Ilana for no minutes, Richard, who is getting increasingly bitchy with every episode, suggests that they have to go get even more dynamite from the Black Rock! (I guess being immortal kind of quells the whole I’m-going-to-blow-up-too fear.)
Hurley: YES. LET US GO TO THE BLACK ROCK WHERE WE WILL DEFINITELY OBTAIN SOME MORE DYNAMITE.
Everyone Else: …
Hurley: I AM NOT LYING. I SIMPLY CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.
Mr. Cluck’s Guy: No way! You’re Hugo Reyes, the owner of Mr. Cluck’s Chicken franchise!
Hurley: No way! You’re Neil Schweiber, the adorably Jewy nerd from Freaks and Geeks!
Precious Hurley sits down to drown his sorrows in a bucket of delicious Southern-fried antidepressants, when a certain Hot Scot shows up to rain on his pity parade!
(Sidenote: LOL LOOK AT THE KID IN THE POSTER IN THE BACKGROUND. WTF is he eating one of those KFC Double Downs?? LOL. Ahem.)
So Desmond chats up Hugo and the tradition of telling a stranger your innermost secrets continues on from last week, when Hurley admits that some crazy lady might be his soul mate from anothah life, brothah!
“What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you’re gonna hurl?”
Desmond: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. If you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.
Hurley: Oh, I’m not ready yet. I gotta be comfortable with me first.
Desmond: Why don’t you just go talk to her? *echo* Talk to her? Talk to her?
Mocke: You know who I am? And where you are?
Desmond: Suuuure. You’re John Locke. And I’m tied to a tree in a jungle of mysteries.
Desmond explains that Widmore kidnapped him and brought him back to the island so he could stick him in a giant wooden microwave, turn it up to 1.21 gigawatts, and nuke the shit out of him!
Mocke: And how do you know that’s what he blasted you with?
Desmond: From experience, mate. Last time that happened I time traveled for a while and then woke up in middle of the jungle buck naked.
*thinks about Naked!Desmond*
Mocke’s like, “Go away, Eeyore. I need to show Desmond something.” Sayid mopes away with a tiny rain cloud over his head, and Mocke turns to Desmond and he’s like, “Desmond, have you ever been in a…in a Turkish prison?”
And as he says this, he sticks his hand out to Desmond. Methinks this hand-sticking-out thing is fast becoming the new looking-at-self-in-mirror thing!
Ben: The island just got rid of her!
Ben: You know, when I was the leader of the Others, I would often dispose of people who were no longer of use to me. After seeing what happened to Ilana, I am starting to think that perhaps my past actions were not exactly justified.
Jack: Don’t be alarmed, but…I think you’re learning to feel feelings, Ben.
When they finally get to the Black Rock, Hurley’s running like he’s got a killer rabbit on his tail, screaming “RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!!”
This episode of Lost has been brought to you by Acme Explosives, the company you’ve trusted to blow your shit up since 1943!!
I mean seriously, did Michael Bay direct this episode??
The weird thing is that I think we (Richard included) were all more upset about the Black Rock being blown to smithereens than we were about Ilana exploding!
“So that janitor from the Freighter came to yell at you? He always did seem like kind of a douche.”
Hurley: He’s even douchier as a ghost. But he killed some people on the island when he was alive, and I think maybe he’s stuck here because of that.
Miles: Sucks to be him, dude.
Hurley: If only I knew someone who was skilled in the art of helping ghosts move on from this world to the next.
Hurley: Like a real life Ghostbuster.
Miles: If only!
“Me telling you this is a total breech of doctor/patient confidentiality, but that stranger you met in the restaurant has breaks from reality. I really don’t think it’s a good idea that you see her.”
But Hurley cut the guy a check for $100K to spiff up the gnarly rec room, so the doctor let him see her! (Which in turn kind of makes Libby the world’s most expensive prostitute, amiright??)
“By the way, I loved you on The Practice.”
So anyway Libby walks in and immediately assumes that Hurley remembered this other life of theirs, but really he was just there to say hi and find out more about these memories she was having!
“Well, there was a plane crash, and an island, and a bitchy Puerto Rican chick, and a dentist, and a blond girl with amnesia, and a hatch, and you had an eating disorder and an imaginary friend. We liked each other, and we made out on some cliffs once. It was adorable.”
And even though she is obviously off her rocker, Hurley is super nice to her and asks her out on a date!
“Not to put any pressure on you or anything, but I paid $100,000 to go out with you. That means second base. Just so you know.”
And Libby is just fine with second base because she knows in her crazy heart that Hurley is her cosmic soul mate!
Libby’s first husband: So I guess I’m just chopped liver, is that right?
Desmond: Who’s that kid?
Audience: YEAH WHO’S THAT KID??
“That’s no one. Ignore him.”
Desmond: But there’s a kid right there.
Mocke: Yeah, I said ignore him.
Desmond: Is that the kid from earlier in the season?
Audience: YEAH, IS THAT THE SAME KID FROM EARLIER IN THE SEASON?
Mocke: I SAID IGNORE HIM!
Audience: BUT WE CAN’T IGNORE HIM ;_;
Kid & Lost Writers: *shit-eating grin*
So Richard’s still freaking out, and he decides he’s going to go back to the Dharma barracks and find some more explodey stuff! But Hurley’s all, “No wait, Jacob is totally standing right there next to you and he says we gotta go have a chat with Mocke!” But Richard doesn’t believe him because Jacob may be a lot of things, but he never tells people what to do…sort of.
Hurley: I know what to do because the dead ex-protector of the island told me what had to be done!
Richard: I know what to do because my dead wife told me what had to be done!
Ben: My dead daughter told me what had to be done, but she was only blowing smoke [monster] up my ass.
Sun & Lapidus: Jack’s dead father told us what had to be done, but everyone seems to have forgot about that storyline.
Jack: Hey, I’m just going with the flo…wait, did you just say my dad??
So there was a splitting of the factions – Ben decides to go with Richard because Bichard is an OTP. Miles also goes because he might not be afraid of no ghosts – but he is definitely afraid of Smokey!
Jack, Sun, and Lapidus decide to stay on Team Hurley because they believe him. It’s only too bad HOO-GO’s mom isn’t there – she would have been able to tell them right away that he is obviously lying!!
“Hurley, what I’m about to say might shock you. First of all, I know you’re lying. Second of all, I am not going to try and fix this little pickle we’ve found ourselves in.”
Yes, in a mind-blowing turn of events, Jack exhibited SELF-AWARENESS.
Jack: Ever since I got Juliet killed, I’ve felt like I needed to fix things.
Audience: Wait wait wait – did he just admit to getting Juliet killed?
Jack: But I finally understand that I can’t fix anything!
Jack: I’ve NEVER been able to fix things!
Jack: You have no idea how hard it is to let you take over and be the one in charge, but I think I’m supposed to let go.
Audience: IS THIS OPPOSITE DAY??
Jack: I’m happy to let you lead, Hurley. And look – I managed to get through a scene without Jearing.
And the audience and Hurley are just like “Who is this Jack-shaped person!?!?!?”
Jack: It’s only taken me 6 seasons, but I’ve suddenly realized that all work and no play make Jack a
dull boy dick.
Hurley: So now what?
Jack: Tell me what I can’t do!
Before Hurley had any more time to stutter and look perplexed, he heard some whispers again, and all nonchalantly he’s like, “OH HAY I JUST FIGURED OUT WHAT THE WHISPERS ARE!” and he summons the Ghost of Seasons Past, and he’s like, “Michael, are you…stuck here? And the other whispers are other people stuck here too?”
Michael: Ding ding ding! You have solved the Mystery of the Whispers! You’ve won a ton of questions about how/why the whispers actually work, as well as a lifetime supply of Dharma Ranch dressing!
Michael: Now don’t go getting yourself killed. And if you ever see Libby again, tell her I’m very sorry.
Hurley: Will do. What if I see Ana-Lucia?
Michael: Um…like I said, if you see Libby tell her I said sorry.
Back in the Sideways World, Libby and Hurley are out on their $100K date, and things are going well, albeit weird…
Libby: This is like a date we never had, on a beach we’ve never been to, on a blanket we never owned!
Hurley: Ummm…maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
Libby: I like you, Hugo! What can I say, I have a thing for mutton chops and freckles.
And then Hurley got to say something I’m sure many of us have felt at one point or another! He says, “You only like me because you’re delusional.”
But delusional or not, Libby wanted to hold up her end of the bargain for this date of theirs, so she leans over and kisses him!
And right at that moment, Hurley got one of those waves all the cool kids are having! He remembered the eating disorder and the imaginary friend and the making out on cliff tops, and I’m guessing he conveniently didn’t remember the shootings/death/carnage!
So Libby’s not crazy after all! She and Hurley are sharing in the same hallucination without smoking any drugs or anything! They must be soul mates.
So I guess now Desmond is acting like some kind of Scottish Cupid, driving around in his sports car, shooting arrows into the butts of all the Oceanic passengers!
Audience: This is cute and all, but what about the people who never fell in love on the island? How will he get through to them?
Lost Writers: Patience, my young Padawan.
“Well, well, well…we’re here!”
Desmond: Nice play on words, Box Man. But why’d you want to show me this?
Mocke: This well was a Hot Pocket of energy back in the day. Now it’s just a convenient place to murder someone. I MEAN CHAT WITH SOMEONE.
Desmond: I didn’t quite catch that first part…
Mocke: Look, Desmond. Widmore brought you here to help him gain power.
Desmond: Mmm hm.
Mocke: But with great power comes great responsibility. Which is not something Widdy understands.
Mocke: Unfortunately I think in order to get it through that bald head of his, I’m going to have to make a sacrifice.
Desmond: Very good.
Mocke: Why aren’t you afraid of me?
Desmond: I’ve come to understand that there’s nothing to fear, but fear itself.
Mocke: I hate to break this to you, but I AM FEAR ITSELF.
AND THEN HE FREAKING THREW
TIMMY O’TOOLE DOWN THE WELL!!!!!! ‘Z;DLKF’;LSDKFGA;’LKFD
But I think it’s probably okay!! Desmond is a time traveler from the UK, and as any good Timelord knows, that well is definitely bigger on the inside!
So Hurley rolls up to Camp Mocke-awana, and he’s like, “PARLAY! PARLAY!” and he tells Mocke that he wants to talk, but before he does anything they both have to agree to surrender their weapons.
Mocke gives up his knife, which is totally hilarious considering HIS WHOLE FREAKING BODY IS A GIANT WEAPON. HELLO!?
Anyway, the Sun-bot struck again, only since she’s all mute now she could only mime the “Jin? Jin? My husband? JIN!?” face when she walked into the camp and saw he wasn’t there.
Jack walked in, and Kate and Sawyer were…thrilled to see him.
But the one who seems happiest to see Jack is Mocke because I’m guessing Jack’s going to be the prize piece of Mocke’s little Candidate collection!
Needless to say Jack does not share in his enthusiasm, and looks like he probably peed a little. After all, unless you’re a frequent guest on Larry King Live, it’s not every day that you come face to face with a walking corpse.
Back in the Sideways World, Scottish Cupid seems to be lurking around the high school Locke and Ben work at! Because that’s not creepy at all!
“Hi there friend, I may have borderline inappropriate relationships with some of my students, but flat out stalking is where I draw the line. hhhhWhat exactly are you doing here?”
Desmond makes up a cock and bull story about having a son named Charlie (no doubt the bitchy heroin-using rock star and not the ringlet-ed Baby!Charlie in the other timeline), but really he’s watching Locke like a hawk! So Desmond starts driving away…
Audience: So is Desmond going to shoot an arrow into Locke’s paralyzed buttocks?
Lost Writers: Um…
Audience: Wait a second, something isn’t right…
Lost Writers: Remember that thing you asked about earlier?
Locke: *rolling along* I’m so happy this new teaching job is working out. For once my whole life doesn’t suck!
Audience: OMG BRACE FOR IMPACT!!!!!
And before we could really figure out WTF was going on, Desmond PLOWS into Locke!!!!!! Because having your kidney stolen, being thrown from an 8-story building, getting in a giant car crash, surviving a plane crash, being shot and left for dead multiple times, being attacked by a polar bear, surviving the hatch imploding, being MURDERED, and being used as the Devil’s hand puppet, WASN’T ENOUGH, APPARENTLY!!!!!!
And so Locke is laying there on the ground twitching, and we’re like WHAT THE HELL?? Did Desmond somehow know about the other Locke and he wanted to get revenge?? Or did he just want to awaken the memories of the other life? I mean, he didn’t have to give Hurley a near-death experience to get him to remember, right? WHAT THE HELL, LOST!? O_o
And, as ever, Locke is laying on the ground, covered in blood, thinking, “FML.”
You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.
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