This week on Lost, Desmond gets microwaved and becomes Widmore’s right hand man, Eloise makes some cryptic comments, Daniel plays the piano, Minkowski goes big pimping, Penny goes for a run, and we have to watch Charlie drown. Again.
Previously on Lost…
“OCH BENJAMIN YOO’VE SHOT ME RIGHT IN THA GROCERIES!!!!!!!!!”
So after being dragged out of the submarine and blinked at by Mermayid, Desmond comes to, and we get another shot of someone’s
“Desmond? I’m Zoe. You might be out of sorts for a moment, you were shot a few days ago, and that Roofie Colada we gave you in the hospital really knocked you on your ass.”
And Desmond was just as happy to see Zoe as we all are every week! He was like, “Hoo the hell are yoo? A poor man’s Tina Fey? Where’s Penneh?”
But before Zoe could explain anything, Chuck Widmore comes lurking into the room, and he’s all like, “Good morning, sunshine! I have some good news and some bad news. Good news is Ben’s bullet failed to kill you. Bad news is that I’m sorry, but we couldn’t save the groceries. Oh, and I’ve had to magically whisk you away from everyone you love…”
Now poor Desmond, whose entire life has been a steady stream of unfortunate events, hears this and he’s like “Oh no. Oh no. Oh no you dih-int, Charles. Like a screen door in a hurricane, that is how hard I will hit you if you say what I think you’re about to say.”
“Desmond, I brought you back to the island. Unconscious. Locked in a submarine broom closet. I’m sorry. I’m even more sorry that we’re all pretty sure Zoe over there snuck in and spooned you when she thought no one was watching.”
So Desmond FREAKS THE FRAK OUT, and we can’t blame him! It’s bad enough that this Sam Eagle-looking dickhead dragged him back to this island, but that Zoe chick is gross.
Desmond: TAKE ME BACK!! WE HAVE TO GO BACK
Widmore: This island’s not done with you yet!
Audience: OOH THAT’S WHAT ELOISE TOLD DESMOND LAST YEAR!
Lost Writers: Indeed.
So Widmore orders his lackies to take Jin over to some generator that they’re setting up, and when they get there we can immediately see that whatever this thing is, it doesn’t bode well for our favorite Scotsman.
This generator thing wasn’t supposed to be used until the following day, so Neville Longbottom’s freaking out about it! And of COURSE they’re about to throw a rabbit in there to test it out because Darlton obviously have a deep-seated hatred of fluffy white bunnies!!
The whosie-whatsie on the Flux Capacitor isn’t working or something, so Neville sends this dude out there to check it out! But the guy doesn’t realize this thing is NSFW, and some jackass inside flips a switch and the thing starts glowing, and Neville’s all, “TURN IT OFF MAN, TURN IT OFF! IT’S SUCKING HIS WILL TO LIVE! OHHH THE HUMANITY!”
But it was too late! And Neville’s like, “Well, shit. Someone grab some graham crackers. We can at least make some redshirt Smores out of this toasted mallow.”
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY HIS JOB WAS….
*PUTS ON SUNGLASSES*
So anyway they drag Desmond up to the door, and he sees the dead guy, and he’s just like, “But…I’m not microwave-safe.” :(
Widmore: If everything I’ve heard about you is true, you are quite the hero, this experiment won’t kill you, and you’re a fantastic kisser.
Desmond: Don’t believe the hype.
Widmore: Once this is over I’m going to ask you to make a sacrifice.
Desmond: Am I taking crazy pills? ALL I EVER DO IS MAKE SACRIFICES.
Widmore: If you don’t make this sacrifice the entire world will end.
Widmore: No pressure or anything.
So they strap Desmond into a chair that looks like Dwight Schrute built in his barn, and Desmond’s going nuts and raging against the machine and whatnot. Jin tries to stop Widmore & Gang from doing whatever is it they’re about to do, but Widmore is adamant!
Widmore: Look, this island might be chock full of Chosen Ones, but of the Chosen Ones, Desmond is THE CHOSEN ONE! He is the only person in the world to survive a catastrophic electromagnetic event! That hatch implosion should have killed him, not just blown off his underwear!
Desmond Fangirls: We are looking to reproduce those results again, plz, thx.
Somebody call Scott Bakula because we are totally about to make a Quantum Leap!!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
So even though he seemed to have disappeared off the plane in the Sideways World, Desmond landed safe and sound and was staring at his reflection in the monitor just like everyone else this season! And shocker – he’s in a blue shirt that I’m sure will be losing a few buttons shortly!
And just like the last time he was timesorbed into another dimension, Desmond sees Hurley first! Only this time Hurley told him where the luggage carousel was and didn’t give Des a tie-dye dress to wear.
And what’s this – I’d recognize that gigantic awful wig anywhere! As if Desmond wasn’t swoon-worthy enough, he helps a very pregnant Claire with her suitcase and then offered her a ride home!
Claire: No thanks, I’ll be meeting my new carjacker/BFF outside in a few minutes.
Desmond: Well that sounds as reasonable as an incredibly pregnant girl wearing a mini-skirt. Ta-ta! Good luck with your son!
Claire: Son? Um thank you, spoiler alert!
So the parade of cameos just keeps on coming when TV and Film’s Fischer Stevens, a.k.a. That Guy From the Freighter a.k.a. George Minkowski turns up as Desmond’s driver!! And it turns out he is a class act!
“Is there anything I can get you for your journey back to the office? Snack? Beverage? Blow? Thai hooker? I hear Bai Ling’s in town.”
But since Desmond is such a consummate gentleman, he declines. “AH DON’T WANT A HOOKAH, BROTHAH! The only thing I want to do after a 14-hour flight is go straight to work.” And we’re all like, WOW this isn’t the same slacker we’ve all come to know and love! Maybe Sideways Desmond never had tah get his honah bach?!
So Desmond goes to this fancy office building and goes right in to see his boss, who is none other than Charles Widmore! And not only is he his boss, they actually LIKE each other!!!!!
“Hug it out, bitch!”
“I can’t quit you, sir!”
And then we see Widmore’s scales painting, which is as subtle as that stupid V countdown last week! (It even has the black and white rocks on it!)
So then Widmore asks Desmond to babysit a certain rock star for the afternoon because he’s playing at a charity thing with his musician son later on, and Des agrees because he’s Widmore’s Assistant (to the) Regional Manager or whatever.
Widmore: You really have the life, Hume. No family, no commitments – you’re free of all attachments.
Desmond: I’m footloose and fancy free, sir.
And then for the sake of tradition, Widmore breaks out the MacCutcheon Scotch!
Desmond: That’s your 60-year old Scotch, I’m not worthy!
Widmore: Nothing is too good for you, Desmond.
Lost Writers: See what we did there, kids?
Audience: Laying it on a little thick, don’t you think?
Lost Writers: Your mom lays it on a little thick.
So Desmond’s got to go pick up his ward from the jail, and on the way in he catches a glimpse of his reflection AGAIN. Only this time instead of a white background it’s a black background, which made all the Lost nerds’ hearts palpitate just a little.
And Desmond’s trying to introduce himself to this rock star guy and maybe give him a little advice, so he’s like, “Look, if you don’t stop doing drugs…CHAH-LEE, YA GONNA DY-EE!”
But seriously Charlie could really give a rat’s ass and so he walks across the street – through all the oncoming traffic – and goes right into a bar. Because that is how rock stars roll. Even VH-1 Has-Beens.
Desmond follows him, and Charlie asks what anyone would ask a person you literally just met 20 seconds ago…
Charlie: You happy with your life?
Desmond: I’m a jet-setting Scottish gigolo, what’s not to love? My life is awesome.
Charlie: Yes, but have you ever been in love?
Desmond: No way! Life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money.
Charlie: Yeah well you might like to know that your wife from another universe is on my new show and she’s married to Voldemort’s brother, but she’s gonna cheat on him with James Norrington…
While Charlie is rambling, Desmond updates his Twitter: At the bar with @youalleverybody. #eatyourheartsout
Charlie: I want to tell you something – when we hit that turbulence on the plane you and I were both inexplicably on together, I choked on a bag of heroin and had all these visions of an adorable blond girl and peanut butter and tying messages to bird legs and a Turniphead, and it was all so REAL! I’ve never even seen her before, but I knew I loved her! And then some sniffly doctor dislodged the heroin and it all vanished, the
sobbing sodding idiot.
Desmond: …did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid?
Anyway Desmond gives Charlie a choice – either come with him and perform the concert with Widmore’s son, or make an enemy of Widmore by not showing up. Charlie agrees to go, but we can tell there’s definitely a foul plot afoot at the Circle K.
Charlie: You think you’ve got it all, but you don’t.
Desmond: Why? Because none of this is real or something?
Audience: Yes we are wondering the same thing!
But before anyone could explain anything, Charlie grabs the wheel and drives them straight into the harbor!!!!!!!! What a little shithead!!!
But when Desmond dove down to save Charlie from the sinking car, we all realized what was happening!! As if we haven’t had to watch Charlie die ENOUGH TIMES on this show, he opens his eyes, looks straight at Desmond, and presses his hand against the window!!!
AND WE ALL GET GOOSEBUMPS BECAUSE THAT IS HOW WE DO. ‘;DLSFKA’;LSDKF;ALSDKFAL;DS
And despite being super freaked out about this vision he’s having, Desmond’s all, “No window love!” and he saves Charlie from drowning! I guess no matter which universe he’s in, Desmond’s got to be the lifeguard!
Naturally they are taken to the hospital where Desmond is buttoning his shirt back up, something we had no idea he knew how to do! And the doctor tells him he got a concussion during the crash, and asks him is he’s having any hallucinations.
Since, “I’m not sure” is definitely the wrong answer to that question, she sends him for an MRI.
Nurse: You have any metal objects in your body?
Nurse: Metal plate in your head, bullets, shrapnel, anything?
Nurse: Just your magnetic personality then, huh?
Nurse: Alrighty then.
So the guy gives Desmond a panic button that he’s supposed to push every 108 minutes and/or when he gets claustrophobic. But the moment the MRI machine starts doing its thing, it happens!
Desmond has this wave of feelings wash over him, just like Charlie described! Only instead of peanut butter and bird legs, it’s Penneh and Baby Charlie and it’s like OMG!!!!!! ‘ad;lsfkas;lkfld
I mean seriously Desmond and Penny are totally this show’s OTP!!!!!! So he jumps out of the MRI machine and goes off to find Charlie!
“Hey you’re that guy from on the plane! Desmond, right? It’s amazing that in a city with like 4 million people in it all of us just keep bumping into each other!”
“You saved a little British guy on the plane, right? Have you seen him around here? He called you a sodding idiot, you know. Little ingrate.”
“What I want to know is why my hair is like an inch longer than it was this morning. And how come we all apparently went right to work after that long ass flight? And what do you mean he called me an idiot??”
But they had to cut their conversation short because Charlie was on the run! He may be a big tool bag in the Sideways World, but really, it’s so nice to see that cute little hobbit face again.
So Desmond corners Charlie and looks for the Not Penny’s Boat thing on his hand!
Charlie: You saw something, didn’t you?
Desmond: Who is Penneh?? Ah think ah luff her!
Charlie: Well go and find her then!
Desmond: I can’t do that, I have ~*obligations*~ that need to be fulfilled.
Charlie: This doesn’t matter! NONE of this matters!
Audience: HE’S SAYING WHAT WE’RE ALL THINKING!!!!! SCREW YOU, SIDEWAYS WORLD!
Desmond: You have to come with me! Mrs. Widmore is expecting you!
Charlie: I don’t have to do anything except stay white and die! Now go away!
Desmond: And to think I was going to name my alternate universe son after you, you jerk.
Charlie: Forget about me – start looking for Penny!
So Widmore was pissed Desmond let Charlie run off in his skivvies, and he told Desmond he had to break the news to Mrs. Widmore in person. We all knew who this persnickety old lady had to be.
“Mrs. Widmore! How lovely to finally meet you! My, what pretty brooches you’re wearing!”
And then we look at the brooches she’s wearing and we’re like HOLY SHIT!
They look exactly like that design that got branded into Juliet’s back when she went on trial for killing Pickett! OMG! And there are two of them! For like…two different timelines! Right!?
Anywho, Desmond lays on the charm and lets Eloise know that Driveshaft aren’t going to be able to play her party after all. He expected her to flip out at him after all he’d heard about her, and he was just as surprised as we were when she replied, “Oh, don’t worry!”
Eloise: It is fiiiine. Don’t worry about it. Whatever Happened, Happened! If I’m telling The Whole Truth, Driveshaft not playing the party will really Do No Harm. They were only going to play their Greatest Hits anyway. We’ll just hire The Substitute. Now please let me get back, I only have about Three Minutes before I have to give these people Further Instructions about The Hunting Party.
Desmond: Did you say hunting party?
Eloise: PARTY. Just party. Gotta go, byeee!
So Desmond doesn’t feel too bad and starts to walk away, but just then he hears one of the party planny people say that a Penny Milton was on the guest list! So he stops to ask them about it, and Eloise swoops in and practically drags him away by the ear!
“You knock this off right this instant, Desmond David Hume! I don’t know who affected the way you’re seeing things, but you need to STOP. This is a violation!”
“Whatever it is you’re looking for, stop! You have everything you could ever want in this life, including what you wanted most of all – my husband’s respect! So stop trying to find Penny! It’s not TIME YET.”
“You’re not ready to see her! Time has a way of course correcting! The island isn’t done with you yet! You’re just saving the world, brother!! How much else can I say to confuse you and everyone in the audience?”
“You’ve said enough, thanks.”
So after having his ass totally handed to him by a petite old lady with giant hair, Desmond sulks back to the limo, where George probably has that hooker waiting! Only someone comes and knocks on the window!
Desmond: Who are you, then?
Daniel: My name’s Daniel Widmore. I’m a musician. You could probably tell from my jaunty hat. We need to talk.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
Desmond follows him, and Daniel asks what anyone would ask a person you literally just met 20 seconds ago…
“Do you believe in love at first sight?”
“Are you joking? You’re the second total stranger to ask me this today…”
“Look at this face. Do I look like I’m joking? I think not, my friend.”
Daniel: I was walking through a museum last week and I saw her – a redhead. Blue eyes. She was eating chocolate.
Audience: Laying it on a little thick again there, Lost.
Lost Writers: YOUR MOM!
Daniel: When I saw her, it was like I had already loved her.
“Like loved her in anothah life, brothah?”
“Exactly! And then the next night I woke up in the middle of the night, and instead of housing a few bowls of Fruity Pebbles like I normally do, I wrote out all these crazy ass equations!”
Desmond: Well? What do they mean?
Daniel: Hey man, I’m a musician, not a physicist! I don’t speak nerd. But I conveniently have a good friend who is into this crap and he explained it.
Daniel: I think…we’re in purgatory.
Audience: LOL n00b!
Daniel: j/k you guys. Okay I know this sounds crazy, but I think this wasn’t really supposed to be our life. We had another life, but something so catastrophic was going to happen that the only way to stop it was to set off a nuke, which I must have done, and that’s how we’re here now, but the wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff is like seeping through or something.
Desmond: And you got this from one page of equations? You must be out of your gourd.
Daniel: Look…why were you asking about someone named Penny?
“Ah…ah I think ah luff her, but I’ve never met her. I don’t know who or where she is. I don’t even know if she exists, brothah!”
“Funny you say that because…I’m her brothah. From anothah mothah. Penny’s my half-sister, dude. And I can tell you exactly where she is.”
And then we finally see Penny! And she’s back at the stadium where her and Desmond had their last meeting before he went on the sailing race and also where Desmond met Jack the first time!
And Desmond walks up to her, and is like, “Are you Penny? Do you not have a boat?” which would be super creepy under normal circumstances, but Desmond is adorable so I’ll allow it!
And just like Jack did to Sun and Smokey did to Richard, Desmond sticks his hand out to shake with Penny, but right when he touches her…
BAM! He’s back on the island in 2007!! OMGWTFPOLARBEAR!? And it turns out he was only unconscious for a few seconds! WHAT.
Widmore was a little shocked that Desmond actually survived being nuked, and he started to reconsider that thing he said to him a long time ago about not being worth a sip of that stupid Scotch.
Widmore: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance…
Widmore: …to use sudden violence.
So there’s got to be something Desmond knows that we don’t know, right?? I mean he changed his mind awfully damn fast! And he seems so serene about it! Maybe that giant microwave fried his brain or something.
Anyway Zoe is leading Desmond elsewhere, when, as is his wont, Sayid jumps out of the bushes with his guns [firearm and actual arms] blazing!!!
Sayid: I AM THE PWNISHER. I KEEL YOU NOW.
Widmore’s Lackies: PLEASE DON’T KILL U….*dies and is dead*
Audience: YAY KILL ZOE!!!!! VIOLENTLY!!!!!
Sayid: TINA FEY, RUN AWAY. COME AGAIN SOME OTHER DAY.
Audience: *face palm*
So in a moment of breathtaking irony, after killing like 5 dudes simultaneously, Sayid tells Desmond that those people are very dangeous!! LOL! And even though Desmond just told Charles he’s on Team Widmore, he wanders off after Sayid, smile on his face, cool as a cucumber, mumbling something about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.
Back in the Sideways World, it turned out that the second Desmond touched Penny he fainted!
“Are you okay? You took quite a tumble! I’m not a doctor, but I play one on another show.”
So Desmond totally asks Penny out on a date, which again would have been weird, but look at this guy, how could you say no to that??
After giggling like a schoolgirl for a moment, Penny agreed to go meet Desmond for coffee! (I wonder if Juliet will be there at the shop on her own death rattle coffee date?)
Desmond was finally at peace with all the craziness that had gone on that day – after all, I guess the thing about your Constant is that they’re your Constant no matter which universe you happen to be in at the time. Sigh.
“Jeeves, can you get me the manifest from my flight today? I have something I have to show them…”
“No problem, boss! After all what limo driver can’t illegally obtain passenger manifests? Now let’s go have a music montage of us humorously primping you for your date tonight.”
*cue Hall and Oates’ You Make My Dreams*
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