Lost Recap 6×03: What Kate Does

February 14th, 2010 § 61 comments

This week on Lost, Claire and Kate go on a road trip, Jack learns how to smile, Sawyer learns how to wallow, and Sayid is CLAIMED.


Previously on Lost…

Jack was all broody/pissed off/crying all the time…

…and Sawyer was all smiley and sarcastic!

***

So when we last left our heroes in the temple, Sayid had just arisen after being dead for a completely unacceptable amount of time, and he’s all like, “Hey guys wha happened?”

And of course he gets this giant Hurley Hug (because that will always cure what ails you) and everyone’s v. excited that their old pal Sayid is alive, and Jack’s like, “How do you feel!?” and Sayid’s like, “A little possessed lightheaded is all!”

And Jack’s like, “What is this my face is doing!?! It’s like I’m frowning but the opposite!!”

But on the other side of the temple, Sawyer seems to still be a little TO’ed that he just had to bury his girlfriend.

Sawyer: He tortures people and shoots kids, how come he gets to live and Juliet didn’t?
Lost Writers: Because she had to go raise a rebellious teen on V!
Sawyer: Screw you guys, I’m going home!
Kate: What’s your deal?
Sawyer: I’m runnin’!
Kate: Isn’t that my line?

***

Back in Alterna-World, Kate has just bogarted Claire’s cab, which comes very close to getting Arzt all over it!

Kate: I’M GOING TO POINT THIS GUN AT A PREGNANT CHICK.
Audience: WOW KATE, WE HATE THE THINGS YOU CHOOSE TO BE.

So the cabbie decides he doesn’t feel like dying today, and him and Kate perform a Chinese Fire Drill, and now Kate’s driving the cab, and she would like Claire to please GTFO.

And that’s when Claire, in the first of many MANY inexplicable moves, asks Kate if she can just get her suitcase out of the trunk! LOLOL I’M SORRY, WHAT!?

Claire: I’m gigantically pregnant and very, very tiny! Excuse me, Lady Waving the Gun in My Face, can I just pop in the back and grab my bag full of baby clothes that I could easily purchase at any store here in LA?
Kate: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Do you think I’m your new BFF or something? That won’t happen for at least another 6 minutes so GET OUT!

***

Everyone drags Sayid outside for a little post-death breather. (He was still trying to work off all that Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea they had ya know, drown him in).

Jack: I don’t know which is crazier, the fact that you’re alive, or the fact that your bullet wound is almost completely closed already.
Sayid: Oh, that would just be my mutant healing factors. Wait until you get a load of my adamantium claws.
Jack: This would explain all the berserker torcha. Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X?
Sayid: Snicky, snicky, snoine.

Lennon: We just need Sayid for a minute.
Jack: You’re not getting him until you tell me who the hell you people are!!
Lennon: I am the walrus.
Dogen: We’d like to show Mr. Jarrah a short informational video on the benefits of Acai juice.

So Jack is demanding some answers about just what in tarnation is going on here, and Dogen and Lennon (seriously, they named that translator guy Lennon) are all like, “We have to torture to Sayid alone for a minute, and then after that we’ll explain the answer to life, the universe, and everything! Wait – did I say torture? I meant talk! Just one sec!”

And there is this really pointless tussle for a hot minute…

…until some Other Other gets shot, and Sawyer’s all like, “TEMPLE TIME IS OVER! SAWYER OUT! …DON’T COME AFTER ME!”

“Wait…isn’t that Jack’s line? What is going on here, are you turning into Jack!?”

“NO. Now if you’ll all excuse me I’m going to go cry in the jungle and beat myself up for the rest of the episode.”

So he runs away and Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is there all of the sudden, and he’s freaking out about Sawyer running away/who is going to be running Paddy’s while he’s on this jungle vacation!

“My name’s Aldo! Like the shoe store, bitches!”

And in the biggest twist since we found out Claire was Jack’s sister [6 months after we all figured it out]…

Kate: I’m going after him! I can track him!
Audience: ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz hasn’t this already happened in EVERY EPISODE EVER?
Kate: I can be very convincing. I’ll get him to stay. By using the vice-like grip of my girly bits.

***

Back in Alterna-World, Kate manages to find a kindly mechanic who apparently has no problem at all harboring a known felon! He takes off her handcuffs, THEN asks her what she’s up to.

Kate: I’m wanted for murder.
Mechanic: Hmmm well you seem like a sweet girl despite the gun you’re pointing at me and that cab you obviously stole. Feel free to go wash up, apparently I won’t be calling the cops or anything.

So Kate takes her sweet ass time going into the back to get changed (wouldn’t she be kind of IN A RUSH!?), but unless she can fit into a Pooh onesie, there’s nothing for her to wear!

This makes her stare into the mirror and cry because a bag full of shit you can buy at Target is apparently worth getting caught by the cops again! She’s just got to find Claire!

***

Then Kate tells Jack that she’ll “take care” of Sawyer (with her vagina) and Jack can “take care” of Sayid (with his vagina), and they have another one of their tearful goodbyes because you know, we haven’t seen enough of those yet.

Ain’t nothing gonna break-a her stride. Nobody’s gonna slow her down. Oh no. She’s got to keep on movin’.

And then Dogen breaks out that table from The Princess Bride and makes the whole “turn your head and cough” method of diagnosis seem like a cake walk.

I mean whose fanfic is this??

Sooo anyway he blows some powder all over Sayid, electrocutes him, and then as the Pièce de résistance, he burns him with a red hot poker!

Between all this being shot, H-bombs going off, traveling through time, drowning in a jacuzzi full of Celestial Seasonings, and torture, Sayid is having like the WORST DAY EVER.

Lennon tells Sayid that the torcha was a test, and he passed (yayyy!!!)! We thought that maybe things were finally looking up, that is until 2 seconds later when Lennon let us know that he was totally lying about that whole passing the test thing (noooo!!!).

***

So in a city of like 4 million people Kate manages to drive right to the corner where Claire just happens to be sitting! She must have used her tracking skills or something.

“Um…I know I just carjacked you at gun point like 15 minutes ago, but I was wondering…have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?”

“Ummmm no…but can we be best friends now?”

***
HM if there was only a way for Lost to impress upon us that Kate likes to run and escape and stuff…

So Aldo tells Kate they’re protecting them all from the Smoke Monster, and the guy Justin saves Kate from walking into a trap, and to thank them she lets a giant bag of rocks fall on top of him!

“God Kate, why are you being such a psycho hose beast!?”

“Because everyone is a bitch in their episode, Jin! You should know, Mr. I’m-A-Lovable-Sidekick-Except-For-When-I’m-A-Hitman!”

***

So they bring back Sayid from the Torcha Chamber, and he’s like, “I think they were torturing me, but they didn’t ask me any questions, and then at the end they asked me for my health insurance card and a $15 co-pay!”

Jack was pissed because Dogen didn’t call him in for a consult, so he marched back into the VIP Lounge.

Jack: Ha ha ha, I am so uncharacteristically amused by all of this!
Dogen: I must have heard wrong about you, Jack. Everyone told me you’d come here and cry a river, but you seem like you’re quite jovial.

Jack: LOL! What’s wrong with Sayid, buddy?
Dogen: He is infected, and it’s all your fault!

Jack: What do you mean “my fault?” *sniffs*
Dogen: Are you crying?
Jack: I’m not crying, I’m just allergic to jerks with goatees.

So within like 3 seconds Dogen manages to guilt Jack into giving Sayid some mystery pill! Because apparently Jack hadn’t learned his lesson about trusting Others the first 400 times they played the Mind Games card!

“Give him this pill! It has poison in it! Wait – did I say poison? I meant medicine! Enjoy!”

***

And Hurley and Miles are trying to get some info out of Sayid, and they’re asking him if he went to heaven and stuff, and Hurley’s like, “Are you a zombie, dude?” and Sayid (like any good zombie) says, “No, I am not a zombie…I’m simply possessed by a Dark Passenger, and he’d like to nosh on some brains!”

So Miles and Hurley go off to the Temple Food Court to find some brain burritos, and Jack comes to Sayid with the pill, and Sayid thanks Jack for saving his life, and Jack’s like, “I didn’t save you, the iced tea jacuzzi did,” and he goes to give Sayid the pill, but we all know that he’s not going to give it to him because if anyone is going to be popping any pills in this scenario, it’s Jack.

***

And then Kate takes a detour from her “Born to Run” Tour to chauffeur Claire to the couple that is going to adopt the baybee!

Claire: Will you come up there with me?
Kate: Are you kidding me?
Audience: Are YOU kidding ME!?

So then Claire and this complete stranger who held her at gun point an hour ago go to meet this couple who are obviously never going to adopt Aaron!

“Look, my husband left me and I can’t do it alone. My life is a little bit complicated.”

“Oh really, your life is complicated? Look lady, I’m a fugitive on the run in an alternate universe with a total stranger that I already know, who is carrying the son that I already raised, and we’re here because we split the space-time continuum in half with an atom bomb which happened 3 years in the future. You think your life is complicated? Go fuck yourself!”

And as if to prove Kate’s point, Aaron was like, “Allons-y!”

***

So then Kate, who ditched Jin in the jungle when he had “more important things to do like find his long-lost wife,” follows Sawyer into Dharmaville, where he goes into his old house and gets some box that he hid under the floor boards like 30 years ago.

And Sawyer was very happy to see her, especially after he had just told her to you know, NOT come after him.

Sawyer: What the hell are you doing here??
Kate: Well you told me not to come, so I came ARE YOU NEW HERE OR SOMETHING?

Kate just doesn’t understand that Sawyer may never look at her box the way he looked at the one under the floorboards again.

***

And Claire is in labor now, and she’s like, “LOOK, EITHER MY WIG’S TOO TIGHT, OR THE FACT THAT KATE WOULD RUSH ME TO THE HOSPITAL AND STAND HERE BY MY SIDE IS THE MOST UNREALISTIC THING TO EVER HAPPEN ON THIS SHOW. AND THAT’S SAYING A LOT FOR A SHOW WITH TIME TRAVEL AND SMOKE MONSTERS.”

And Dr. Ethan Goodspeed is there, and he somehow knows all of Claire’s medical history despite the fact that Kate just grabbed him in the hallway, and he’s like, “You think it’s already unrealistic? How about I let you decide if you feel like having the baby today?”

“Ummmm okay, I think I want to procrastinate child birth. Because that is totally feasible.”

So Ethan goes, “Alrighty then, let me just give you some magic pills and your baby will hang out in your uterus until you’re in the mood. Good job, mommy,” and we’re all like, “Wow he manages to be creepy as hell even when he’s acting totally normal.”

And then Kate and Claire held hands like good besties, while Evangeline Lilly wondered why all her episodes totally suck ass.

***

Kate finds Sawyer out on the Dharma Dock having a pity party for himself.

Kate: You asked me why I came back to the island. It was to find Claire.
Audience: That’s funny, we didn’t realize Sawyer’s penis was called Claire.
Kate: And sorry about Juliet. Sucks to be you, dude.

So Sawyer tells Kate about how he thinks it’s his fault that she’s dead, and how he thinks some people are just meant to be alone, and it’s all very angsty.

As it turns out Sawyer was going to ask Juliet to marry him, which would have been a bit more heart wrenching had we seen them together for more than like 2 episodes, and he throws the ring dramatically into the water.

He asks himself WWJD (What Would Jack Do), and the answer is cry and mope some more, so he wanders off the dock in tears.

And Kate starts crying for no apparent reason, and we’re all crying too because everyone else is crying, and because we only have like 13 episodes of this show left and if we have to spend them watching Emo!Sawyer we’re going to have to cut a bitch.

I mean seriously…enough of this tearjerkery!!! ;_;

***

So then Jack and Dogen are shooting the shit, talking about baseball and being magically drawn to the island via supernatural forces, and Dogen figures out that Jack didn’t give Sayid the pill!

And Dogen’s all like, “It is medicine! Why don’t you trust me!?” and Jack’s just like, “I don’t trust myself, how am I supposed to trust you!?” and we all spit out our respective beverages because OMFG, IT TOOK 6 SEASONS, BUT JACK SHEPHARD IS EXPERIENCING A MOMENT OF SELF-DOUBT!?!!!!!!???

Somewhere an angel just got its wings! And srsly WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS SMILING!? Jack smiling, Sawyer crying, I thought the ALTERNATE universe was Bizarro World!!!

So anyway Jack pops the pill because that’s WJWD, and Dogen goes nuts on him trying to get him to spit it out!

Dogen: DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME EARLIER WHEN I HUMOROUSLY SAID “POISON” INSTEAD OF “MEDICINE!??”
Jack: HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR IS COMPLETELY NEW TO ME, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU WERE JOKING?!

***

Cops: Excuse me, Miss Littleton? Are you hear with a Miss Hart? A Miss Melissa Joan Hart?
Claire: Who?
Cops: Miss Melissa Joan Hart, she signed in with you – do you know anything about her?
Claire: Sure, she was the star of several tween comedies in the 90′s including Clarissa Explains it All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Cops: …

Claire covered for Kate because who wouldn’t cover for a total stranger that you’ve been inexplicably hanging out with all day despite the fact that she had a gun to your head this morning? I mean, they held hands and stuff.

After the cops leave without even asking ONE follow-up question, Kate comes out and she thanks Claire for covering for her, and Claire asks her what she’s wanted for.

Kate: Would you believe me if I said I was innocent?
Claire: Would you believe me if I told you this isn’t my real hair?

Kate: Absolutely.
Claire: There you have it.

And then, the cherry on the top of this Ridiculously Implausible Shit sundae!?

“Here! Take my credit card!”

“Are you Australian or retarded???”

“Ummmm….”

***

“I almost just swallowed poison LOL!!! Is this how a sense of humor works???”

Dogen offers Jack some tea from the jacuzzi because apparently that’s what you do right after you almost accidentally poison someone.

Then Dogen spoke to Jack about how Sayid had been “CLAIMED!!!!!!”

Dogen: There is a darkness within your friend Sayid.
Jack: Tell me about it, dude used to be a torturer!
Dogen: No, I mean a newer darkness.
Jack: Tell me about it, he was working for Ben as an assassin!
Dogen: No, a new NEW darkness!
Jack: Yeah! He shot a kid!
Dogen: UGH LISTEN TO ME!!! If the “sickness” inside him reaches his heart, he’ll just be another one of Smokey’s meat puppets! Just like *dramatic music* YOUR SISTER!!!!

And with that, it quickly became cloudy with a 100% chance of some Jearizzles.

***

And then Jin got caught in a trap! Which we all thought must be one of Danielle’s, but there was something we didn’t realize…

And this Justin dude was like, “Don’t kill him, he’s ONE OF THEM!”

And Aldo is like, “HE MAY BE ONE OF THEM! I’M GONNA KILL HIM ANYWAY!”

But we never actually found out what the hell they meant because all of the sudden Jungle!Claire was all, “WILD CARD, BITCHES! YEEEEEHAW!!!!!!

Is Claire too adorable and blond to be “claimed” by this “darkness?”
Will anyone be able to get a comb through that insane hair of hers?
Will next week’s episode actually be interesting?

FIND OUT! ON NEXT WEEK’S LOST!

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§ 61 Responses to Lost Recap 6×03: What Kate Does"

  • ricklee says:

    Just an awesome recap, dude! I loved the whole thing! It really was a weird bad episode.

    Another commenter said there was no Star Wars reference, but there was. After Sayid was tortured, he sat by the pool and said, “They didn’t even ask me any questions.” It was just like Han Solo in “The Empire Strikes Back” after he was tortured by Darth Vader.

  • Social comments and analytics for this post…

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  • Alexsa says:

    Omg I love these recaps! My fave “You told me not to come, SO I CAME! What are you, new here or something?”

    LMAOO soo truu!

  • NatyB88 says:

    So I’ll be honest, I didn’t read through all 53 comments, but… am I the only one who thinks Kate was sobbing after Sawyer threw the ring in the water because she was wallowing in self pity that Sawyer loved Juliet enough that Kate didn’t matter, anymore? Or am I just the only one who’s silly enough to bother saying it, all up front? I just don’t think she was crying for no apparent reason. I also don’t think for a second that she was crying out of grief for Juliet or even because she felt bad for Sawyer; she just felt bad for herself…

  • Kiya says:

    “Are you Australian or retarded???” —–> My favorite!! Laughing out loud with this. lolol

    “Oh really, your life is complicated? Look lady, I’m a fugitive on the run in an alternate universe with a total stranger that I already know, who is carrying the son that I already raised, and we’re here because we split the space-time continuum in half with an atom bomb which happened 3 years in the future. You think your life is complicated? Go fuck yourself!”——> this was very good to!

  • erikire says:

    Best.Recap.Ever!!!

  • Dela says:

    Jack can “take care” of Sayid (with his vagina),

    and

    Audience: That’s funny, we didn’t realize Sawyer’s penis was called Claire.

    PRICELESS! lol

  • Ana says:

    OK, so I haven’t really read through the rest of the comments, but…awesome! Oh, and I thought it was actually kind of cool that Ethan offered her the choice of delivering that day. Really, there actually ARE drugs that can keep a baby in but they’re pretty time-sensitive once you start labor. ^-^

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