This is the true story, of 48 strangers, (possibly) picked (by the Others) to crash on an island, and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real. The Real World: The Beach.
So at first Jack Shephard, 37 from Los Angeles, CA wakes up after a long night of partying. He’s like, “Where am I? Where is my beautiful house? Where is my beautiful wife?”
Then he remembers that he just completed the rigorous application process for the newest season of The Real World, and as the contract promised, he had been forcibly ejected from a burning plane! And he also might blow chunks because he forgot to drink some water before he assed out on the beach the night before.
Then Jack realizes that he is now contractually obligated to spend the next 6 months with a beach full of strangers! And he cries because that’s what reluctant heroes do. Apparently. Okay maybe just Jack cries.
So he’s like “Alright dude, let’s see this new sweet pad they set up for us!” And he’s looking and looking and he’s just like ummmmwtf this is just a beach.
So he starts running around and he’s like “OOH I BET THERE’S A POOL TABLE AND A JACUZZI!” and he’s running around and looking at stuff and he’s like “I bet they even have a awesome deck and some kewl abstract art!!”
And then he finally turns the corner, and there it is in all its glory!!! THE FUSELAGE!! And we’re all like SWEET DIGS!
But Jack was like NO FRAKKING WAY. A cozy island bungalow!!! SCORE!!
And then he did an interpretive dance of joy to some douchey Linkin Park song or some shit.
And then he immediately started making out with a drunk chick that was passed out on the beach! But then the producers cut in and they were like TAKE IT UP A NOTCH, BABY! So then Jack saw an old black chick unconscious on the sand and he was like RADICAL!
But then Boone Carlyle, 22 of Los Angeles, CA was like, “Um excuse me, I think that is wrong” and he established himself as “The Moral Guy!” And Jack was kinda pissed but not too pissed because that old lady was starting to wake up.
So then DING DONG here come two more members of the house!! Claire Littleton, 22, of Sydney, Australia and Hugo “Hurley” Reyes, 26, of Los Angeles, CA are just like PARTAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!! ZLSD’ASKD’FLKSD;KFLSD HEY WHAT UP A/S/L?
And then in walks Charlie Pace, 29 of Manchester, England and former member of the now defunct band Driveshaft. And he’s like “Hey dudes, what’s up?” *stares blankly at the sky* and he established himself as The One With Substance Abuse Problems!
So the fat guy’s only been there for like 20 minutes, but he is just HAMMERED and he passes out in the middle of the party and everyone is like LOL PARTY FOUL! And so Charlie and Boone wrote “COCK” on his face with permanant marker and put some cheese down his pants!
So then Jack and Charlie are lookin over at the old lady passed out and the preggo chick and they’re like SAUSAGE PARTY! WHERE ARE THE LADIES??
And just then Kate Austen, 27 of Iowa was like HEY BOIZ!!! and she immediately stripped off all her clothes and went skinny dipping in the ocean and the producers were like CHA CHING!
And Jack was just like “Can you…can you show me how…I’ve never seen a girl…naked before…”
So then this Johnny Cash song starts up and in walks in James “Sawyer” Ford, 35, from Knoxville, Tennessee. He’s all like “What do y’all think you’re doin? You’re all a bunch of damn fools!” and then he lit a cigarette and out of nowhere like 15 girls ran up to him and started like, licking him and stuff and it was kind of crazy because Jack’s eyes were like POPPING OUT OF HIS HEAD and Boone was looking for some pens and Charlie was all fucked up on drugz and Hurley was still passed out and Claire was like MAH BABYYY!
So Sawyer was just like, IMHO this scene is teh suck, L8RZ, BBs.
And meanwhile Jack is just like POURING HIS HEART OUT to Kate and he’s all like “I like…to count…and stuff…” and he’s just crying and crying and being all emo and some shitty Dashboard Confessional song was playing we’re all like WTF HERO??
And Kate is like LAM0RZ. And she felt v. awkward so she made out with him to relieve the tension.
So then for a while no one showed up and Boone was just like “I do not think I agree with this blatant bacchanalia and perverse orgies full of drunken revelry!!”
And then he went and had sex with his sister!!
Which was none other than Shannon Rutherford, 21, of Los Angeles, CA. And we took one look at her and we were like HELLO HOUSE BEACH BITCH! And she was like “Yeah whatevs, I’m on my fucking period and I have the worst cramps ever.” And we were all like UGH TMI! and she called her BF and had a fight with him.
And late to the party was the token black guy and his token little black child! Michael Dawson, 37, of NYC who was like WHAT’S UUUUUP!!!??? and then he did the MC Hammer dance and Walt Lloyd, 10, also of NYC was like IS THAT ROOF HIGH ENOUGH OR DOES IT NEED TO BE RAISED?? and he did the Cabbage Patch!
Meanwhile, Mr. and Mrs. Kwon of Seoul, South Korea stopped by! Jin was just like YOU LISTEN TO ME, WOMAN! and Sun was like OOOOOH OKAY MISTAH KWON HEE HEE HEE!
So then there was this flashback to before the plane crash, and apparently Jack had already met the unconscious old lady and hit on her on the way there! And he was all like “They call me “Coffee” because I grind so fine.”
And the next morning Jack was just like, “Kate, thanks for telling me where babies come from, I’ve always wanted to know” and Kate was like “Whatever, dweeb.”
So everyone kind of thought no one else was coming to the beach, but then this creepy old dude walked by and he was all like >:/
And Kate was like “…”
And John Locke, 48, of Tustin, CA was like :D ME LIKES ORANGES!
And Kate was like “…”
And John was like “It’s sleepy out here…my shoes hurt.”
And Kate was like “Someone rode the short bus to the island, god.” And the producers were like NO KATE THAT IS NOT PC and Kate was like “I love my special new beachmate!”
So then Charlie, Kate, and Jack take a stroll around their new block and Charlie was being a total sellout and pimping “You All Everybody” and stuff.
During their walk, they found another piece of a plane!! And they were like OMGWTF IS THIS? So they climbed inside and there were all these dead bodies and Kate was like OMGlkzsd;lfksj WAIT is that Scott Speedman? And Charlie was like “I think I just found Michael Vartan’s body!!” And Jack was like “…I have a bad feeling about this.”
So they open the cockpit door and it’s TV’s Greg Grunberg!! And he’s all like THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE!! JJ…ABRAMS…HE LEFT US HERE…YEARS AGO…TOLD US IT WAS A REALITY SHOW…AND THEN HE JUST LEFT US….YOU NEED TO GET OUT….THERE ARE…THINGS…
And Jack is just like WTF THEY TOLD US THIS WAS THE REAL WORLD! And Greg Grunberg was like “NO JJ ABRAMS LURES US HERE AND LEAVES US HERE TO DIE LIKE A SICK JOKE IDK I THINK HE’S CRAZY OR SOMETHING, DUDE!!”
And Kate was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I AM THE NEXT AMY JO JOHNSON!!!
But then JJ was watching on his Dharma monitors and he heard what was going on, and he had Greg…TAKEN CARE OF.
And Kate was just like NOOO HE’LL NEVER WORK IN HOLLYWOOD AGAIN OMG.
And we were like LOL HEROES.
The end.
omg, i’ve been reading this website for about a month now and i heart it so much… I never saw these season one individual episode reviews. i heart this site even more now lol
Ack!! I fucking love you man. This whole site is the shizz. You make me crack up till I pee with your recaps and you make me AWW till I squee with your Benry comix. TY so much for making this site. You rule hardcore.
Top 3 best parts of this recap (in order of *giggle* to OMFG ACK IS MAH HEROEZ!!)
#3 – And John Locke, 48, of Tustin, CA was like :D ME LIKES ORANGES!
#2 – And he was all like “They call me “Coffee†because I grind so fine.â€
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#1 – And Kate was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I AM THE NEXT AMY JO JOHNSON!!!
That made me *BWAAAAAHAHAHAHA* because it is so true omfg.
Till next time,
~ The Screwy Dame
“And John Locke, 48, of Tustin, CA was like :D ME LIKES ORANGES!”
I’m sucking in the laughter because I’m at work, but I’m remembering that for a few moments while originally watching the pilot I was thinking John was going to be “special.”
in the absence of any new lost till january, i’m starting from the beginning and watching right through again :D
it’ll be great checking these as i go.
The best recap ever. I think I found TEH SITE for Lost Recaps. Thanks for the laughs, dude.
ME LIKES ORANGES!
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