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Lost Recap 5×07: The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham

March 1st, 2009 § 66

On this week’s Lost, Locke tries to convince the Oceanic 6 to come back to The Island, Widmore shows some Tunisian hospitality, and Ben decides he should never take a job working at a suicide hotline.


Previously on Lost…

“John, YAH GONNA HAFTA DAH-EEE!”

***

So the Ajira plane has crashed and that dude from the airport is rifling through some stuff in a Dharma office. He doesn’t find much, only a flashlight and Daniel Faraday’s homework from like 2nd grade.

Not!Ana-Lucia comes in and she’s like, “There’s this dude in a suit…and a Snuggie…he thinks he’s Emperor Palpatine…he wasn’t on the plane…” so he goes out to the beach to see what’s up and some guy’s sitting there going, “It is unavoidable! It is your destiny!”

And we’re like, GUY IN A SUIT? TALKING ABOUT DESTINY?? That’s got to be our old resurrected pal JOHN LOCKE!!! ‘;lsdkf’a;lsk

***

The next morning AnNOT-Lucia is all “HI NAME/A/S/L? And uh, if you weren’t on the plane, where the hell did you come from?”

After having sexual relations with a mango, Locke was ready to talk to all the island n00bs.

“Oh, nothing to worry about with me. Nothing but a simple case of resurrection! And before you ask, no, I’m not the final Cylon. That would be Daniel.”

Ilana: Everyone is scared, we heard a noise in the jungle last ni…
Locke: Oh, that’s just Smokey.
Ilana: But what about the office we found, it looks like someone’s working on exper…
Locke: Just the Dharma Initiative. Scientists. etc etc
Ilana: And someone said they saw something big and white in the jung…
Locke: Polar bear.
Ilana: …so what about the guy in the jungle with the giant eyelashes?
Locke: *chuckles* Oh, that’s just Richard.

Ilana: Is there anything you don’t know, Mr. Fancypants?
Locke: Yeah…how did I get here, and why am I not dead??

***

So right after he turned the Wheel! Of! Fortune! Locke found himself in a desert with a bone-sticking-out-of-leg problem.

*pukes* “Ooooh. It’s so damn hot. Milk was a bad choice.”

And unfortunately like some other Frozen Donkey Wheel Turners, he did not come equipped with a ninja stick.

At first he panics, but then he sees a camera pointing right at him and he’s like, “OWWWWW OWWW OHHH HEYYYY! HA! Am I on Candid Camera?? Where’s Ashton?? Where’s Ashton!?”

Much to Locke’s chagrin, Ashton was nowhere to be found.

Apparently apart from sand and rocks and R2D2 and polar bear skeletons, Tunisia has trucks now too! And these guys come and throw Locke into the back of the truck!

The doctors are all like “OUR CIVIL WAR TECHNOLOGY, LET US SHOW YOU IT” and they throw him into a hospital bed, tell him to hunker down and give him something to bite on, and THEY SNAP HIS LEG BACK INTO PLACE :O

So Locke passes out THANK GOD but right before he sees Abaddon hanging out in the room and we’re all kind of like WAIT WHAAAAAAAT!???

***

Locke comes to when some dude with a British/Australian/something else I’m sure accent wakes him up. And it’s our good fiend friend Chuck Widmore!

Widmore: Come to the Dark Side! We have cookies!
Locke: Ben said to not trust you!
Widmore: BENJAMIN?? If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be Pralines and Dick!
Locke: …
Widmore: Come onnnn, want to be my new BFF?
Locke: Why would I want that?

Widmore: I was the leader on the island for 30 years! I’m an Other from another mother!
Locke: Well okay, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I have to bring them all back.
Widmore: Yes! And you MUST succeed. You are the Chosen One. You MUST get back to the Island!
Locke: But why??

“Because there’s a war coming, John. And if you’re not back on The Island when it happens, the wrong side is going to win! Even now Benrymort is gathering his Death Eaters in order to strike when the time comes! Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy! Don’t you see, John?? Neither of you can live while the other survives!”

“..Merlin’s beard!”

***

So the next morning Widmore gives Locke his new passport.

Locke: Jeremy Behrens Jeremy Bentham? What gives?
Widmore: He was a philosopher. We thought Socrates would be a dead giveaway that you weren’t Canadian.

“How do I know I can trust you?”

“Well…I haven’t tried to kill you. *cough*That you know of*cough*”

And for his ~*peace of mind*~ Widmore gave Locke a creepy ass bodyguard! The guy that told Locke to go on the Walkabout like eons ago! And Widmore was like “You can trust him, he’s bald like us!!”

So now Locke has his mission: he’s got to go to each of the Oceanic 6 and explain to them in no uncertain terms that THEY HAVE TO GO BAAAACK!

***

First up, Sayid! We’ve seen Soldier Sayid, James Bond/Assasin Sayid, even Chef Sayid, but now we’ve got…HABITAT FOR PWN-MANITY SAYID!?? LOL! So many Hit Men retire to go build schools in third world countries, right?

I don’t know which is funnier – watching a British actor doing an Iraqi accent speaking in Spanish – or the fact that he is obviously building The Jack Bauer Institute for Pwnage satellite party campus!!

Suffice it to say, Locke can’t convince Sayid to come back to the island. He’s done with Ben and all that nonsense.

“Sry2say the only things I feel like torcha-ing are two-by-fours and mas tequila.”

***

So then Locke is like, “Hey…remember that time you were on The Wire? That was awesome.”

“…by the way, can you find Helen for me? She lives in California, kind of looks like Peggy Bundy, kind of sounds like Leela from Futurama?”

Then Locke gets out of the car and is like “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!!!!!!!!!!”

And Walt’s like, “OH NO WAY IT’S MAAH BOYYYYY LOCKE!”

Walt says he’s been having crazy dreams about Locke on The Island, sitting on a beach, talking like Emperor Palpatine! And he wants to know how his dad is!

“Oh, you’re dad is doing just…dynamite. His career has just…blown up. His opportunities have really…exploded.”

“Well I’m glad to hear he’s all in one piece! Gotta go Mr. Locke!”

“Wait! Walt! Do you want to know a secret? Have – have you ever been in a Turkish prison?!?”

Locke doesn’t ask WAAAAAAAAAALT to come back because he’s been through enough already! Aw.

But someone was watching…someone who has DEFINITELY been in a Turkish prison…and definitely likes movies about Gladiators.

*shoots Dark Mark into the sky*

***

Going for a Rejection Three-peat, Locke goes and tries to convince Hurley to come back.

Only problem is, Hugo’s been hanging out with so many ghosts that he’s convinced Locke is dead!

“Sooo what’s it like being a zombie, dude?”

“I’m very much alive! I won’t be a zombie until later lol.”

“Dude…don’t look now…but you’re totally being watched by that creepy dude from Fringe…”

“Oh no he’s cool, he’s with me.”

But Hurley decided Locke hanging out with creepy Fringe guy was definitely NOT ON so he pitched a crazy guy fit and was escorted back inside.

So Abaddon lays it on the line – Locke had better step it up or else failure is imminient!!

Locke: I’m sorry, aren’t you my DRIVER!? What do you do for Widmore, anyway?
Abaddon: I help get people to where they need to go…

“So…you’re a…DRIVER???”

***

“So the thing about it is…we all have to go back to The Island.”

“You’ve never been in love.”

“Sure I have. I love Helen. I love Island. I love lamp. Anyway, I fail to see how this has anything to do with my request. And why hasn’t anyone asked me how the frak I got back to the real world? Psh.”

“See, I have been in love – with Sawyer – who’s on The Island – so…wait, actually I think you’re right. I should go back. But Jack hasn’t told me to do it, so I’m staying here.”

“Also, no one cares how you got off The Island.”

“You were angry and obsessed on The Island, and you’re angry and obsessed now. Take a page from my book – I was stuck in a love triangle and always lying and running away from my problems on The Island and now I’m totally ~*not*~ like that anymore.”

LOL

***

Sadly, Abaddon did find Helen – she had a brain aneurysm and died a year ago. (Or so Abaddon claims!)

Unfortunately before we can find out if this gravestone is another bit of Widmore trickery, ABADDON’S HEAD EXPLODES. VIA BULLET. NOT ANEURYSM.

So Locke jumps into front seat and drives away, leaving Abaddon in the dust!!

But Abaddon’s like, “I’m not dead! I’m getting better! I feel happy! I feel happy! Little help? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?”

And then because having your kidney stolen, being pushed out of a building, surviving a plane crash, being shot multiple times in various places, having your legs squished under a blast door, imploding with the Hatch, and breaking your leg clean in half by falling down a well wasn’t enough for one guy to handle, he got into a GIANT CAR CRASH.

Because it’s not Wednesday unless Locke is covered in blood!!!

***

Locke wakes up in the hospital, only to be greeted with that famous Shephard bedside manner!

*puts on World’s Biggest Douche hat*

“What…are…you…DOING HERE?”

“Jack! Oh my god! I have to talk to you about the Isl…wait, what the hell is all over your face, do you have a beard made of PUBES!? Your face looks like Robin Williams’ knuckles.”

“I’m letting it grow in, dammit! I’ve been busy becoming addicted to pain killers, I don’t have time to think about The Jeard!”

“Look, I don’t care about your beard, WE HAVE TO GO BACK, JACK! IT’S OUR FATE! IT’S OUR DESTINY! I’M SPECIAL! ”

“YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL! YOU ARE NOT A BEAUTIFUL OR UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE! YOU’RE THE SAME DECAYING ORGANIC MATTER AS MY BEARD EVERYTHING ELSE! GOING BACK WOULD BE A DISASTER!!!”

“But only after disaster can we be resurrected!! I CAN QUOTE FIGHT CLUB TOO, YOU KNOW! By the way, your dad says hi.”

“…my…my….my father…?”

“I AM JACK’S RAGING DADDY ISSUES!!!!!!!!” *CHILDHOOD TRAUMA JEARS*

*has obviously been practicing his technique at the prestigious “Smell the Fart” School of Acting*

“MY FATHER IS DEAD.”

“YOUR DAD IS ON THE ISLAND! COME BACK WITH ME!”

“HE DEAD! I SAY YOU, HE DEAD!!!!” *slams door and runs down the hall bawling, arms flailing*

***

Devastated by his inability to do anything right, Locke decides to take his own life. He writes the suicide note that {SPOILER ALERT} Jack will eventually read on the plane, and gets ready to hang himself from the ceiling of his hotel room.

And even though we knew he was going to die, we still feel kind of bad, right? AW POOR LOCKE. And so instead of using a gun or pills or something he makes a nice KNOT because he’s LOCKE and that’s what Lockes do. It’s the Webelo way.

But then who should bust down the door in the nick of time but BENRYMORT HIMSELF!!!!!!! And Locke threw his crutches because he didn’t have a Hot Pocket on hand!

And Ben’s all like, “Widmore is the bad guy, not me!! We’ve been through this, babeh!!”

“Now come down off that table right now and we’re going to fix everything, mmkay? Who’s a special boy? Hm? Who’saspecialboy?????”

“I’m the special boy.”

“Yes you are! Now I want you to tell Uncle Benji what Mean Mr. Widmore said to you, and we’re going to make it allll better.”

*sniffs* “He said that me and you couldn’t live while the other survived! And that he was the leader of the Others, and that he wanted to pr…pr…protect me!” *bawls*

“Is that all he said?”

“And he said I have to go find Eloise Hawking! Oh and by the way, Jin’s alive!”

“Thanks for all the info, friend! I KEEL YOU NOW!!!!!11!” ‘asd;lkf’a;lsdk

And of COURSE, because he’s Locke, he’s like, “I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.”

Just like any good serial killer, Ben strings Locke back up and makes it seem like the suicide John had been attempting had gone according to plan.

And Ben said goodbye…and that he’d miss Locke…

…which was kind of heartfelt…under the circumstances.

***

So back on The Island, John is trying to figure out how he got here.

“Is there anyone not accounted for??”

“Everyone is here…except the big guy with the curly hair…and the crying doctor…and the tank top guy, and the sunglasses chick, and the sad Korean lady. And the injured people, we don’t know their names yet.”

So Locke goes to see these injured people, and wouldn’t you know it, IT’S BENRY. COVERED IN BLOOD.

All is right in the world.

And Locke is like, “Oh yes, I know him. He’s the man that killed me. Now get me a bowl of warm water and grab his hand, it’s time for REVENGE.”


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§ 66 Responses to “Lost Recap 5×07: The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham”

  • nyberg says:

    Wow Prailines and dick

    you make lost worth living

  • lighttomysoul says:

    LOOOL! Benrymort. ahahahahha.
    Awesome as always :) Good work Rach.

    and god, the Jears! I mean it was fun for a while but now there’s Jears in every single ep.
    Jack needs to get together with Juliet again and be awesome and calm and guh!

  • Kim/Kimmerz says:

    BBAHAHAHAHAHA

    Harry Potter!
    Anchorman!
    Monty Python!!!
    Friends!

    and making Ben’s voice all like that when he was talking to Locke— SO TRUE!!! that’s exactly how Ben was talking! it was SO CREEPY!!!

    and WTF IS WRONG WITH MATTHEW FOX?!?! he makes the most bizarre faces. and gross facial hair gross.

    looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove

  • The only thing that bothered me about this episode is that the set designer and dresser both seemed to labor under the misapprehension that there is an intersection “67th & 8th” in Manhattan, and that it is a stone’s throw from the Woolworth building.

    But other than my Manhattanite snobbery, a grand slam of an episode. Especially Ben’s creepy-ass face EVERY TIME HE WAS ON SCREEN. He’s hands down my favorite.

  • miss_emily08 says:

    smell the fart acting!! HAHAHA
    *is ded*

  • jag says:

    “If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be Pralines and Dick!” is the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard.

  • Poozle says:

    BENRYMORT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    I loved this one! AND MY SPOILER ALERT GOT A NOD! lmao I have way too much fun doing that with Lost. I did it last night watching the Pilot(OMG I FORGOT HOW BADASS THE PILOT IS!!!!!!!!!) and I said to Kate and Sawyer on my TV after they had an argument: SPOILER ALERT YOU DO IT IN SEASON 3!!!!!! \o/

  • Pinkie! says:

    Ahhhhhhhhhh Fight Club! Amazing. Never ceases. YES!

  • Joanna says:

    Wonderful. Adored it.. this is the best re-cap yet.
    I especially like when you use HP references, it makes my heart happy.

  • Vinyamar says:

    After having sexual relations with a mango, Locke was ready to talk to all the island n00bs.

    I SERIOUSLY HAD TO STOP READING, I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD!!! LOL!!

    BENRYMORT!!!!

    Great Anchorman reference! I love lamp!

    I think this re-cap tops my favorites. Awesome job!

  • Anonymous says:

    final cylon.. as I roll about the floor!!!!… that would be Daniel!!!!
    Wheel of Fortune!!!!!
    Come to the Dark Side!!!!!!
    Shoots Dark Mark into the sky!!!!!!!
    I have to agree with the Jears…….. I am OVER it!!!

    You have outdone yourself!!!
    as I plug your LJ!!

  • Carla Stroud says:

    That was my comment b4.. sorry, clicked too fast!

  • Maureen says:

    Jeremy Behrens

    Oh, LOL

  • Samantha says:

    *wipes tears from eyes*

    “The “smell the fart” school of acting” and Locke’s “plan for revenge” made me laugh SO HARD. OMG. Best one of the season so far.

  • aynisha says:

    ASDFGHJKL YAY.

    … um, I feel compelled to point out that Canadian passports expire after five years, not ten. So either the Lost prop guys fail, or Locke has a Super Special Secret Edition Passport. :o

  • Joe D says:

    O HAI U B SPELLIN WEBELOS WRONG KTHXBI

  • Sarah says:

    Yes, Locke IS a special Boy. The cap of him raising his arm was priceless!

  • erin says:

    Yeah this was my fave. I think the anchorman quotes did it for me ;)

  • rachelack says:

    @Joe D thanks for the spelling! I was an Indian Princess, I don’t know about such things.

  • KelBel says:

    Love the Wayne’s World reference!!! LMAO, you are just too too funny! LOVE YOU! You make me laugh so hard, the whole recap was amazingly funny!

  • willedit says:

    warm water revenge?!!! *dies*

  • Jess says:

    OMG! Any recap that can reference Anchorman, Harry Potter, and Friends is friggin fabulous in my book!!!

  • Leah3t says:

    . It’s the Webelo way….haHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    dude the minute the jears started, i was like ‘i cant WAIT to read the ack attacak recap about this stupid scene!!”

  • ... says:

    Your Jack bashing always has me in tears from laughing so hard.

    Don’t ever stop! XD

  • LostTeaParty says:

    HABITAT FOR PWN-MANITY SAYID!?? & The Jack Bauer Institute for Pwnage satellite party campus!! I love me some Sayid, any Sayid at all

    The Jeard! – It really could have it’s own spin-off series by now – loved it

    excellent Hot Pocket ref.

    Who’saspecialboy?????” “I’m the special boy.” the babeeh talk was just enough to make me pee myself a little! Ack you are the master, I salute you

  • Flaknitter01 says:

    Pralines & dick! Love it when you reach deep into the archives and pull lines from ’92! Pralines & dick: highly underutilized, must be brought back into active vernacular. The whole line is ideal (“If Benjamin were a flavor…”) – who woulda thunk you’d ever be able to refer to Rob Lowe and Michael Emerson with the same line… Super-stah…

    Fight Club references always welcomed, especially when they refer to Jack’s shattered ego. Giggle giggle giggle….

  • Rachel Hope says:

    BWAHAHAHA, Wonderful as always!!! Gotta love a good Monty Python quote!!!!

  • Emmiegray says:

    “the fact that he is obviously building The Jack Bauer Institute for Pwnage satellite party campus!!”

    this…made me totally pee in my pants. lollerpee….

    always love HP references…Dark Mark.

    (so wondering if you actually saw The Wire, because it’s pretty good….)

    you have pwn’d it again, congrats!

  • Flaknitter01 says:

    “So, you’re a driver…”

    ZE BEST!!!!!

  • jeremy behrens says:

    I am internet famous! ha ha ha ha

    awesome recap! Wayne’s World reference FTW!

  • ZZTop says:

    island n00bs, ha !!

  • Hey!T says:

    kzcjxhvKJZHVklJCHVLKJCHv

    Also, I had a HotPocket for lunch! XD (Did not need to use it for self-defence) XD

  • Carrie says:

    “ABADDON’S HEAD EXPLODES. VIA BULLET. NOT ANEURYSM.”

    Gold.

    Also, the Jeard made from decaying organic matter!

  • Green Queen says:

    I love lamp.

    PS. Possibly my favourite last line.

  • Angela says:

    Oh you are soooo funny!I love your recaps!This one is one of your best,if I had to quote my favourite parts I’d had to quote almost the entire thing!

  • Lea says:

    Other from another mother, “Bald like us”, *arms flailing*, Leela!, No Hot Pocket, “Whos’aspecialboy?????”, “OH NO WAY IT’s MAH BOY LOCKE”, I LOVE LAMP! = xD Happy Camper!

    Hitman (lol)monkey = pure win.

    But Abaddon’s like, “I’m not dead! I’m getting better! I feel happy! I feel happy!
    I think I’ll go for a walk.

    Abaddon: I help get people to where they need to go…
    “So…you’re a…DRIVER???”

    ROFLMAO

  • Christian says:

    HAHAHAHAHA, this is definitely your best recap (so far). Great job!! :)

  • Christine says:

    You make me giggle and snort. These recaps are fabulous.

  • Emily says:

    i’m so glad you somehow got pralines and dick into a lost recap. :D

  • latenac says:

    I don’t know whether to hate you or love you. The recaps make Lost worth watching. I’m never sure if that’s a good thing or not.

  • Tbirdy says:

    “Because it’s not Wednesday unless Locke is covered in blood!!!”

    Hahahaha! I always love your recaps and screen caps–I now realize I share a birthday with Jeremy Bentham!

  • Stufsocker says:

    “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
    Brills.
    This was an all-over A+ effort, Ack. Well. Done. There.

  • Cunny says:

    “I am Jack’s Raging Daddy Issues”

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHA~! Just found this blog; I know I’ll be back.

  • CJ says:

    Any writer that can consistently make Wayne’s World references is okay in my book. I think I’m starting to look forward to your recaps more than I look forward to the show.

  • Frøy says:

    Airplane reference FTW.

  • MJNuts says:

    Awww! A Futurama reference! Loving you!

  • Exception says:

    “It’s so damn hot.” – I said that exact same thing when Locke fell out of Narnia!

    PS I told my mom about “Jears,” and she has totally incorporated it into her vernacular. She agrees it has gotten to the point of ridiculosity.

  • […] like us Posted on March 2, 2009 by volcanista This week’s Lost recap is possibly the best ever. I don’t think I stopped giggling the WHOLE TIME. (Crazy spoiler […]

  • Nyx says:

    I LOVE YOU! I totally peed my pants when reading how Ben was talking to Locke! Comedy Gold!

  • Cee says:

    JEARD

    i love it.

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