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Lost Recap 6×13: The Last Recruit

April 25th, 2010 § 64

This week on Lost, Jack and Claire do some family bonding, Sawyer takes charge, Sayid tries to whack Desmond, Sun and Jin finally reunite, and more crap explodes.


So everyone has met up at Camp Mocke-awana, and Smokey asks to rap with Jack in the woods for a sec…

“What the hell are you?”

“I’m the Boogie Man, Jack. The Führer of Fury, The Tyrant of Terror, His Royal Highness of Horror. I’m the thing that goes bump in the night, Jack. And I want you to join my Army of Champions.”

Jack: So you took on the form of John Locke? Why him? Was it the bald thing, or are you just a fan of moobs?
Mocke: John Locke was sucker enough to think he had a Special Destiny and that he was some kind of ~*Chosen One*~. Not that I know anyone else with such delusions of grandeur.
Jack: I have no idea who you could be referring to.

“Riiight. Look, I needed a corpse to possess, and Locke was the first dead guy I came across. The moobs were just a bonus.”

“The third day I was here I chased my dead father through the jungle. It was super creepy and Jears-filled. Was that you too?”

Mocke: Jack, I WAS YOUR FAAATHER. Sure, I could have thought of much less creepy ways to lead you to water, but hey – I’ve been here a long ass time and I need to get my kicks somehow.
Jack: Dick. So what do you want with us now?
Mocke: I’m blowing this pop stand once and for all, and to do that I need all you knuckleheads to come with me.

***

Meanwhile, on Rescue 911…

Locke’s just been turned into roadkill via Desmond “Vehicular Homicide” Hume, and he’s being rushed to the hospital! Even though he’s on the verge of passing out he’s telling the medics to call Helen, and he’s all like, “Now I’ll never dance at my wedding” or something!

Paramedic: What is this man’s name?
Ben: Uhhh…Mr. Locke. I don’t know his first name. I took advice from him that nearly ended my career the day after I met him, but I never quite caught his name.
Paramedic: Well that’s kind of weird.
Ben: I know, right?

So anyway they get to the hospital and Locke is being wheeled in next to Sun, who was just shot right in the baby by Patchy! And I guess since she’s having a near death experience, she recognizes Locke!

But I guess since Sun was never in love with Locke, she’s totally scared of him!! How does that even work!?

***

“Clairebear, what did I tell you about lurking sinisterly in the bushes like that?”

“Sorry Big Daddy, it’s just that I’m filled with slightly less hate and paranoia since you’re standing next to my brothah from anothah mothah.”

“Claaaire! It’s so good to see you! My very own ax-wielding bastard half-sister. What more could a man want?”

“Well, I was hoping you’d want to join Team Mocke. Because you’re coming with us now. Whether you like it or not. I guess no one really mentioned this, but once he talks to you, there is no escaping the vice-like grip he has on your mind.”

“Ummm no! No one mentioned that tiny little detail! Awesome! Oh and by the way? I know we’re in a jungle being lead around by a monster, and we’re both emotionally broken, and I’m pretty sure you have lice, but this is still the most functional family get-together I’ve ever had. So kudos, sister.”

***

Sawyer: So just act like you’re going along with Mocke for now, and I’ll put my cunning escape plan into action.
Hurley: Okay, and Sayid’s invited too, right? Despite his depression? I heard he started taking Zombutrin for it…
Sawyer: No way, Sayid’s gone to the Dark Side.

“But some people can come back from the Dark Side. I mean, look at Anakin.”

Sawyer: Who the hell is Anakin?
Hurley: You should know who Anakin is, you’re chock full of Star Wars references.
Sawyer: Lookit Hugo, I’m the Han Solo in this scenario, am I not?
Hurley: Obviously.
Sawyer: And Han Solo wasn’t in the prequels.
Hurley: Duh.
Sawyer: So Han Solo wouldn’t know him as Anakin, he would know him as Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith.
Hurley: LOL what a nerd!!!
Sawyer: Laugh it up, fuzzball!

And speaking of fuzzballs, at that moment Claire comes up to Hurley to say hi! And he’s like, “Wow Claire…you…look……*throws up in mouth a little*……..great!”

And Locke comes back with Jack, and he looks at everyone there together, and he’s like…

♪♪ Together again, gee it’s good to be together again!
I just can’t imagine that you’ve ever been gone,
It’s not starting over, it’s just going on! ♪♪

*jazz hands*

***

Lost Writers: Do you all know what time it is, kids?
Audience: SKATE O’CLOCK!!!!

“Arson, assaulting a federal officer, first degree murder…and off the record, it’s got to be illegal to be that hot.”

“I’m not a murderer. And I definitely smell a pork product of some type.”

Sawyer: I get it – bacon, pig, oink-oink, police officer. I said that to cops when I was your age. Hey if I’m such a pig, then how come I let you go last week when we were on that elevator? Funny we just keep bumping into each other like this.
Skaters: Skate = Fate!!!
Sawyer: I think someone’s trying to put us together.
Skaters: I guess all that praying worked?? ‘d;lk’;alsdkf;lasd

“I think you let me go because you went to Australia to kill the man who caused your parents’ deaths, but you didn’t want anyone to know. See, apart from being an arsonist, fugitive, boar tracker, and surrogate mother, I’m also a psychic.”

Sawyer: Oh I like you.
Skaters: Oh we like this scene.
Everyone Else: Oh we hate this scene.

But before any visits to some polar bear cages could be arranged, Det. Miles “Cockblock” Straum shows up to let Sawyer know that they’ve got bigger fish to fry – a certain Jheri-curled Iraqi fish, to be exact.

***

Kate: Sayid’s…different now.
Jack: That what happens when you die and are brought back to life by the Valedictorian of Villainy or whatever the hell he calls himself.

Then the island’s version of Kimmy Gibbler shows up uninvited again, and she’s saying that they all stole something that belonged to Team Widmore and they want it back or else!

Mocke: Or else what, exactly?
Zoe: Or else BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!!!!!!

So Zoe gives him a walkie-talkie and tells him to give her a jingle when they’re ready to hand over the hot Scottish package…

…to which Mocke basically replies, “I fart in your general direction” and he smashes the walkie to bits and goes, “Well, here we go!”

Which to me is like the writers going, “Here marks the beginning of the end! Please buckle your safety belts and make sure your hands and arms stay inside the vehicle at all times! Enjoy the ride!”

***

Back in the Sideways World, Desmond has blasted past Cupid status and is now hovering somewhere around restraining order territory when he “runs into” Claire just as she’s about to meet with an adoption agency! He’s pretty creepy. And he’s talking way faster than usual.

Desmond: I know this sounds a bit forward, but all these strangers have been telling me their deepest secrets lately so I thought maybe you could tell me why you’re going to an adoption agency without any sort of legal representation which I could provide for you considering we’ve met once for 10 seconds?
Claire: Uh…no thanks.
Desmond: Just come with me for 5 minutes and everything will be right as rain! You really don’t want to just give your baby away, I mean didn’t some psychic tell you that you were the one who had to raise him? Or wait – am I talking about the other timeline? Jesus I can’t keep this stuff straight anymore!
Audience: Now you know how we feel!

Anyway in the end Desmond manages to convince Claire to come see this lawyer friend of his, which just happens to be Ilana, who just happens to have been searching for Claire so she could listen to Christian Shephard’s will, which she just happens to be reading to Jack and his son in like 5 minutes!

I mean seriously, Lost. Come on now. This is starting to get entirely too silly.

***

Mocke: Good morning. In less than an hour, you will be launching one of the most important battles in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. Especially since I am neither a man, nor kind. Anyway, we will be united in our common interests. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, it will be known as the day the island declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
Team Mocke: SO SAY WE ALL! SO SAY WE ALL!

Mocke: Find my boat and bring it around to meet me at the beach. Can you handle that?
Sawyer: You got nothing to worry about, I’m a professional.
Mocke: A professional what?

But of course Sawyer’s got his own cunning escape plan, and it has nothing to do with helping Smokey. So he tells Jack to break away from the group and bring Sun, Hurley, and Lapidus so they can steal the boat and cash in on the deal with Widmore.

“But what about Sayid and Claire? Surely you can’t just leave them here.”

“Sayid’s about 4 minutes away from chowing down on some brains, and not only does Claire have a skull baby, she tried to stab Kate. Their rescue mission invites got lost in the mail. And please, don’t call me Shirley.”

***

Mocke reminds Iraqi Eeyore that if he wants to be with his zombie bride Nadia, he has to do what he says. He tells him to go find Desmond and kill him!!!

Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish for Nadia to come back to life.
Desmond: OCH!
Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish that when she comes back to life she’s all new and fresh and not like all decomposed and stuff.
Desmond: HEY YOO! KNOCK IT OFF!
Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish that she doesn’t mind that I’ve killed like a million people since she’s been dead.
Desmond: SAYID, BROTHAH, IF YOU’RE GONNA KEEP THROWING PENNIES DOWN THIS WELL WOULD YOU MIND THROWING DOWN THE ONE I’M MARRIED TO? *rimshot*

That’s when Sayid realizes Desmond’s actually sitting in a bloody heap at the bottom of the well, and he aims his gun right at him. Apparently Iraqi Eeyore doesn’t remember all the good times he and Desmond had together on the freighter :( Poor Desmond!!

Sayid: I’m sorry, but I keel you now.
Desmond: When that monster brings your wife back to life, do you really think she’s going to be down with the whole zombie thing?
Sayid: Excuse me?
Desmond: I mean you killed a guy to set her free in Iraq a million years ago, and she didn’t mind that. But the fact that you’ve been on a nonstop killing spree for like 2 years might bother her, amiright?

Sayid: *twitches*
Desmond: Beware the Dark Side. Anger, fear, aggression. The Dark Side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will!
Sayid: OW! My conscience!!
Desmond: Are you alright Sayid? You look like you might actually be feeling something…

***

In the Sideways World, Sayid shows up at Nadia’s house just long enough to tell her that he’s leaving right now, he can never come back again, and that he obviously totally sucks at keeping his temper in check.

Nadia: You left your torcha scrunchie here, I thought that meant you wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Sayid: I didn’t torcha anyone.
Nadia: Oh thank god!
Sayid: I simply murdered four men.
Nadia: You WHAT!?
Sayid: Later, hater. *runs away*

Then Miles shows up at the front door, he sees a half-packed suitcase sitting on the coffee table and he catches a whiff of Soul Glow in the air! Sayid might have escaped, but he can’t have gotten far!

It was already too late! Thanks to reverting to a Home Alone-style bad guy trap involving a hose, Sayid was caught by the fuzz before he even got out of Nadia’s backyard!

It was merely poetic justice that the man who killed by the household appliance should die get caught by the household appliance!

***

So Sawyer and Kate finally make it to this boat, and Sawyer’s all, “Thar she blows” and “You ready to get wet?” and those of us with gutter minds are having a good chuckle when Sawyer’s like “BTW we’re not meeting up with Mocke, we’re gonna go steal Widmore’s sub instead.”

And Kate’s all, “Not without my Claire!” and we/Sawyer can’t quite believe she still wants anything to do with that crazy bitch!

“TUNA! Are you KIDDING ME!? You’re seriously going to bring that knife-wielding maniac near a toddler?? You think Claire’s just going to get a shower and a change of clothes and magically join the PTA? I don’t think so.”

***

Jack asks Claire how long she’s “been with” Mocke, and she tells him it’s been since everyone else left because he’s the only one who never abandoned her. (Which is total BS considering when the Losties left the island they looked for her everywhere. It’s not their fault she was getting baked in that cabin with Christian, sheesh.)

Jack: Sorry we abandoned you, Claire.
Claire: That means a lot.
Jack: It won’t happen again.
Claire: Thanks, bro.
Jack: Hey Sun, Hurley, LaPenis and NOT CLAIRE, come on, we’re running away right now!

*Psycho theme playing*

***

“Where the hell have you been? I send you out on a simple kill-one-of-your-friends-in-cold-blood mission and you can’t hack it?”

Sayid: I did it, you jerk. Despite the fact that I haven’t shown any emotions since the beginning of the season, killing Desmond got me a little verklempt. Tawk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. An Apple Jack is neither an apple nor a Jack. Discuss.
Mocke:
Sayid: Okay, I’m better.

But we all know he didn’t really kill Desmond, so let’s not get ourselves into a tizzy over that right now.

***

So Jack rolls up to the boat with his posse and everything seems like it actually went according to plan, and we’re like “There has to be a catch, this is Lost after all…”

And that’s when Crazy Town shows up ala Rousseau with a rifle and a surly disposition!

And then Claire and Kate have a Mother-Effing Face-Off!!

>: B

“Claire, you should come with us so you can terrorize your young, impressionable son.”

>: |

“Why aren’t you waiting for Sir Smokes-a-lot?”

>: 0

“That doesn’t matter! Come with us! You’re the only reason I came back to this island! I never should have raised Aaron! Sure I was there when he was born, and you abandoned him in the jungle to go off and live like a sewer rat, but you should be his mom now, not me.”

>: (

“Oh, alright. But if Mocke finds out you’re leaving, he’s gonna be angry. And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.”

***

David’s Mystery Mom: When will you have him back home?
Jack: Seven-ish, I think.
Audience: Plz to be telling us who that woman is. SOON.

Jack and David are going to hear Christian’s will being read, and David said he’s sad for Jack, and we’re like, “Kid trust us, he’s sad enough on his own, he doesn’t need help.”

Although it is nice to see that David might not grow up with a mountain of daddy issues like everyone else on this show, right?

Anyway, Jack and David go up to Ilana’s office, and they meet the very pregnant Claire, who’s like, “Hi nice to meet you, by the way I’m your sister lol.”

As soon as Jack hears this he starts doing the patented Shephard Head Squeeze, and my Jears-sense started tingling, but the flood gates came crashing down prematurely when he got a call from the hospital! After all, someone had to save Locke’s sad, pathetic little life!

***

Just when they were about halfway to Hydra Island, Jack oh so subtly lets Sawyer know that he thinks maybe they shouldn’t leave!!!

“It doesn’t feel right leaving this time. Maybe Mocke wants us to leave so badly because he’s afraid of what will happen if we stay.”

Sawyer: Get. Off. My. Damn. Boat.
Jack: LOL WHAT!?
Audience: YEAH, LOL WHAT!???
Sawyer: *brow furrowing at maximum levels*

“I mean…not to sound like Wheezy Hawking and Chuck Widmore, but I don’t think this island is done with us yet!”

Sawyer: I don’t care, I’m done with this island!
Jack: I never thought I’d say this, but this Man of Science has officially become the Man of Faith!! Praise Jeebus!
Sawyer: STFU and GTFO. NOW.

And Jack turns to Sawyer and he’s like, “Sorry I got Juliet killed, dude. My bad.” and then he jumps out of the boat screaming “GERONIMOOOOOO (Jackson)!!!!!!!!”

And Kate “I’m-Going-Back-to-Save-Him” Austen was all, “I’m going back to save him,” to which Sawyer replied, “NUH-UH” and told Kate it was high time for her to find another nickname.

***

And then for once Lost decided to go for the Super Happy Ending!! Not only is Sun okay after being shot, but the pea in her pod is fine too! And Jin’s like, “It’s over and we’re all going to be okay.”

(I couldn’t help but think if maybe that statement alone symbolizes this entire Sideways World, right??)

After Jack scrubs in for surgery and looks at the X-rays of this poor guy who was already paralyzed and then got run over by a hot Scotsman, he peeks down at the patient, and even though he can only see half of his face he’s like, “OMG I know this guy!!! That is TV and film’s Terry O’Quinn! Oooh how exciting!”

***

So Jack gets back to the island and is met by Smokey and Gang and Mocke’s like…

Mocke: Sawyer took my boat, didn’t he?
Audience: No shit he took your boat you retard, he’s James fucking Ford, he doesn’t take no shit from no one!
Jack: Yes, he took your boat.

***

Everyone else gets to the shore of Hydra Island in varying degrees of sexiness, and they’re ready to play Let’s Make a Deal with Widmore.

But then this stupid bitch shows up and ruins everything AGAIN like she seems to ALWAYS DO. UGH! DIE ALREADY, POOR MAN’S TINA FEY! WE ALL HATE YOU. GO BACK TO SELLING STRIPPER POLES ON YOUR GODDAMN WEBSITE AND GET OFF OUR TVS!!!

But I digress…

And then somehow the Lost writers managed to trick us into not expecting this from a million miles away, but all of the sudden the Sun-bot was just like O_O

AND JIN WAS ALL O_O

AND AFTER 3 YEARS, 2 SEASONS, AND A MILLION ANNOYING SUBPLOTS, SUN AND JIN WERE FINALLY REUNITED!!!!

‘SDFKLAL;’SDFKL;’ADSKF’;LAKSDF’;LKSD;L CUTEST THING EVER!!!!!!!

But before they even had a chance to un-hug, Zoe and her team of scientist thugs drop the bomb that Sawyer’s deal with Widmore is off, and Sawyer’s all WTF!? And Zoe is on the walkie and she’s like, “Okay we got ’em, fire when ready,” and then they drop the REAL bombs on the other island!!!

AND THEN THIS HAPPENED!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!

LOST SEASON 6: IT’S DY-NO-MITE!!!

And Mocke, who is unsurprisingly not hurt at all, picks Jack up off the beach and carries him inland to make sure his pretty new pet isn’t hurt or anything!

And he’s like, “It’s going to be okay – you’re with me know” and we’re like “WAIT WHAT?? I THOUGHT JACK WAS WORKING AGAINST HIM, RIGHT??”

But at that moment a disoriented Jack can’t think of much of anything except how shiny Mocke’s head looks in the sunshine.

Finally, he looks up at Mocke and goes, “It’s tired in here!” and passes out immediately.

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§ 64 Responses to “Lost Recap 6×13: The Last Recruit”

  • “Apparently Iraqi Eeyore doesn’t remember all the good times he and Desmond had together on the freighter :( Poor Desmond!”

    I am completely shocked that you didn’t ass in the gif of Sayid and Des running down the hall in the freighter, both acting like complete crazies.

    “Patented Shephard Head Squeeze”.

    Love it.

  • And you completely know that by “ass” I meant “add”.

    LMFAO.

    Awesome.

  • P@ says:

    Hee! Great recap, as always, Rachel. “GERONIMO!!! (Jackson!)” is always hilarious.

    And you worked in my favorite Star Wars quote EVER!! (“Laugh it up, fuzzball.”) Awesome!!

    And I’m probably way off, but did anyone else get a “perhaps Jack’s son is actually evil” vibe during his scene in the Sideways world?

    So sad that the show is ending in one month. :(

  • Janey says:

    I was laughing at that gif for like ten minutes XD

    “Finally, he looks up at Mocke and goes, “It’s tired in here!” and passes out immediately.” PFFFFT

    And I reserve a special kind of hatred for Poor Man’s Tina Fey, too.

    Great recap!

  • Derek says:

    Wow I loved this recap!!! Loved the ferris bueller reference!

  • Teleholic says:

    LMAO. You’re recaps. They make my sides hurt.

    I love how when Sun and Jin are reunited they’re speaking in English. As if the Lost Writers are like “LOOK GUYS. IT’S BEEN 3 YEARS. JIN SPEAKS ENGLISH NOW. ALSO, THIS EMOTIONAL REUNION HAS CURED SUN’S APHASIA. ARE YOU GUYS GETTING THIS?”

  • Lauren M says:

    This recap was full of win. I didn’t know that Not Tina Fey sold stripper poles. Damn, I agree though, get her offf my TV. I love that during the Claire/Kate face off, the emotion cons actually matched their facial expression. I think my favorite part was this

    Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish for Nadia to come back to life.
    Desmond: OCH!
    Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish that when she comes back to life she’s all new and fresh and not like all decomposed and stuff.
    Desmond: HEY YOO! KNOCK IT OFF!
    Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish that she doesn’t mind that I’ve killed like a million people since she’s been dead.
    Desmond: SAYID, BROTHAH, IF YOU’RE GONNA KEEP THROWING PENNIES DOWN THIS WELL WOULD YOU MIND THROWING DOWN THE ONE I’M MARRIED TO? *rimshot*

  • jody says:

    Was I the only one disappointed with 30 Rock this week for not commenting on the fact that Tina Fey has an annoying LOST counterpart?

  • kid entropia says:

    YAY EARLY RECAP!!! Brilliant.
    BTW, like every sensible, sentient living being, i absolutely hate Zoe as well… but i kinda sorta definitely dig sheila kelley. is there something wrong with me?

  • snoop says:

    As soon as Jack hears this he starts doing the patented Shephard Head Squeeze

    I see someone has been watching The Ricky Gervais Show… Jack = Karl P(D)ilkington ?!?! *DUN DUN DUN*

    You know, I’ve been reading your recaps for a few years now and there are some things I know will be in it and I love you for it. Like the GiF of Jack getting blown up.

    However, the best part of the recap is this :
    But then this stupid bitch shows up and ruins everything AGAIN like she seems to ALWAYS DO. UGH! DIE ALREADY, POOR MAN’S TINA FEY! WE ALL HATE YOU. GO BACK TO SELLING STRIPPER POLES ON YOUR GODDAMN WEBSITE AND GET OFF OUR TVS!!!
    Wow!! Never seen you so angry, but that is so true and hilarious.

    There are many other bits I liked, but I’ll just end here and say THANK YOU ACK.

  • snoop says:

    @ Jody : 30 Rock was filmed well in advance of Zoe showing up. Maybe in a future episode. Could also explain why their take on the Conan Wars took so long to air.

  • lala says:

    Mocke: John Locke was sucker enough to think he had a Special Destiny and that he was some kind of ~*Chosen One*~. Not that I know anyone else with such delusions of grandeur.

    Jack: I have no idea who you could be referring to.

    XD
    I enjoyed it very much, so thanks ;)

  • Sarah says:

    OMG Kimmy Gibler reference!! Awesome!

    “And please, don’t call me Shirley” <- genius!

  • Kimmerz says:

    hahah kimmy gibler, and the gif of jack being blown into the sky all akimbo, homg that idiot back pack of his that he’s always wearing.

    hahah i like you, we like this, we hate this.

    making fun of claire never gets old

  • Melissa says:

    I totally laughed at the “get wet” line, too. Hehehe, I’m a perv.

  • Ack says:

    @Snoop Haha actually I’ve never seen the Ricky Gervais cartoon, although I did listen to all those podcasts back when they first came out religiously! Although when I wrote that line I wasn’t thinking about Mr. Head Like a F-cking Orange LOL.

    Also, yes Zoe makes me SO MAD because her character exists only to rain on people’s parades, and I just hate looking at her haha the way she talks like she’s got peanut butter on her teeth drives me nuts. Although I was always just as mad at Jack over the years ;D

  • jewel says:

    wow ! early surprise
    sheila kelley does not even look like the same person as zoe…I guess she cleans up good ! haha

    I can’t believe the end is almost here ! :(

  • LostTeaParty says:

    Soul glow! FTW
    the Muppet song, lol! & Kermit’s black and white plaid shirt was very Locke-like
    the varying degrees of sexiness
    SKATE! get thee to some polar bear cages, STAT!

  • Princess says:

    What can I say, always brilliant! References to Airpland and Monty Python along with all the great Star Wars jokes. But the joke about pennies in the well was the best!

  • Princess says:

    Oh and how I laughed at this:

    “So you took on the form of John Locke? Why him? Was it the bald thing, or are you just a fan of moobs?”

    The moobs were a bonus, lol.

  • latenac says:

    Jack and David are going to hear Christian’s will being read, and David said he’s sad for Jack, and we’re like, “Kid trust us, he’s sad enough on his own, he doesn’t need help.”

    a-men

  • Laura says:

    I need a way to fit “Patented Shephard Head Squeeze” into my everyday conversation.

  • alexx says:

    ack u have totally outdone yourself this week! thank you so much!

  • LithiumRox says:

    AMAZING Recap as always. My Highlights:
    “Now I’ll never dance at my wedding”
    “Shot in the baby”
    Claire Bear & Big Daddy are always winners.
    “… but this is still the most functional family get-together I’ve ever had. So kudos, sister.”
    Det. Miles “Cockblock” Straum
    And I love any reference to Sayid being fishlike after the whole Mermayid thing.
    Kimmy Gibler. Heck yes. Kimmy + Tina = Zoe
    “SO SAY WE ALL”
    “IF YOU’RE GONNA KEEP THROWING PENNIES DOWN THIS WELL WOULD YOU MIND THROWING DOWN THE ONE I’M MARRIED TO?”
    “OW! My conscience!!”
    Dear God. Sayid is Linda Richman. I LOVE Coffee Talk ^_^
    The Emoticon-off was priceless.
    “GERONIMOOOOOO (Jackson)!” <—Anyone else still REALLY hope they bring them back up or something? Maybe Daniel Widmore will throw another party & bring them to play. lol

    New Bogus Lost Theory: Sawyer's full name is James Tiberius Ford.

  • Sarah says:

    Jack and David are going to hear Christian’s will being read, and David said he’s sad for Jack, and we’re like, “Kid trust us, he’s sad enough on his own, he doesn’t need help.”
    LMAO LMAO LMAO!!! That had me in an uproar. Oh Jack.

  • JS says:

    Genius as per usual.

    First lol

    Oh and by the way? I know we’re in a jungle being lead around by a monster, and we’re both emotionally broken, and I’m pretty sure you have lice, but this is still the most functional family get-together I’ve ever had. So kudos, sister.”

    and

    Jack: Sorry we abandoned you, Claire.
    Claire: That means a lot.
    Jack: It won’t happen again.
    Claire: Thanks, bro.
    Jack: Hey Sun, Hurley, LaPenis and NOT CLAIRE, come on, we’re running away right now!

    and Pennies from Sayid, and Matrix reference and Coming to America references….You do it all!

  • LithiumRox says:

    I know I just commented like 2 seconds ago, but I thought it was necessary to tell you that I went to open a new tab in my browser, and saw the stripper pole site in my recently closed tabs. It took me a few seconds to remember why I’d gone to that site…
    If you’re ever in need of a new motto, “The Ack Attack: Making your browsing history a whole lot weirder since 2005” would be a good contender. lol.

  • Antoinette says:

    “It’s tired in here!”

    AH hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..

    Hahahahahahahaha…………….

    *cough* *cough*

    Ahhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa…..

    *still laughing way later* XD

    p.s. I figured out who David’s mother is: http://tinyurl.com/2bma8et

  • Patty says:

    Love your recaps

    “moobs” LOL

  • Chillertheater says:

    Two more of my faves:

    “TUNA! Are you KIDDING ME!? You’re seriously going to bring that knife-wielding maniac near a toddler?? You think Claire’s just going to get a shower and a change of clothes and magically join the PTA? I don’t think so.”

    What is Kate thinking??!!

    “Where the hell have you been? I send you out on a simple kill-one-of-your-friends-in-cold-blood mission and you can’t hack it?”

    Ha ha, I mean, really, Sayid.

    Great stuff, Rachel!

  • Elynne says:

    Always love the Yoda-Speak. Your recaps are pure genius.

  • Wifi says:

    XD ACK WERE YOU WATCHING INDEPENDENCE DAY WHEN IT CAME ON ABC FAMILY

  • kssmeford says:

    just to pick one out of this recap full of hilarious hits:

    “SAYID, BROTHAH, IF YOU’RE GONNA KEEP THROWING PENNIES DOWN THIS WELL WOULD YOU MIND THROWING DOWN THE ONE I’M MARRIED TO?” lololol

  • slyfox says:

    Woke up this morning and realized I hadn’t tuned into Ack yet! What a great way to start my day! I just don’t know how you do it but I’m glad you do!!

  • Tbirdy says:

    Your “right as rain” comment could’ve referred to anything and not have been a reference, but I’m going to assume it was from “Young Frankenstein”, which makes me enjoy this recap even more than I already do!

  • Anonymous says:

    Pretty good! Not as entertaining as the older ones, but it does the job

  • Tess says:

    OMG that was hilarious! lol… THANKS for the awesome updates!!

  • Tess says:

    Or recaps, rather :)

  • erin says:

    Love the Ferris Bueller reference.

    And even though I am not digging Sheila Kelly as Not Tina Fey – I will always love her for being Debbie Hunt in Singles.

    Thanks for the re-cap!

  • Chillertheater says:

    Ack,

    Whenever you wig out on your keyboard at some huge plot twist, I think of Eyjafjallajokull…..

  • Stowaway says:

    Sawyer: Oh I like you.
    Skaters: Oh we like this scene.
    Everyone Else: Oh we hate this scene.

    My mom walked by and saw that picture and went “it looks like Sawyer has a mouth full of pee.”

  • mellow says:

    Then the island’s version of Kimmy Gibbler shows up uninvited again

    BWAHAHAHHAHA KIMMY GIBBLER!!

  • Kiya says:

    “Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish for Nadia to come back to life.
    Desmond: OCH!
    Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish that when she comes back to life she’s all new and fresh and not like all decomposed and stuff.
    Desmond: HEY YOO! KNOCK IT OFF!
    Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish that she doesn’t mind that I’ve killed like a million people since she’s been dead.
    Desmond: SAYID, BROTHAH, IF YOU’RE GONNA KEEP THROWING PENNIES DOWN THIS WELL WOULD YOU MIND THROWING DOWN THE ONE I’M MARRIED TO?”

    LOLOL very good one :D

  • Derek says:

    Jack: Sorry we abandoned you, Claire.
    Claire: That means a lot.
    Jack: It won’t happen again.
    Claire: Thanks, bro.
    Jack: Hey Sun, Hurley, LaPenis and NOT CLAIRE, come on, we’re running away right now!

    *Psycho theme playing*

    And then the Kate and Claire face-off!!! Brilliant!

  • Sassafrass says:

    Great as usual! I must have watched the gif. of Jack flying through the air for a good ten minutes. Great TV!
    But Ack, iiiiicckkkkkk why did I have to click on the stripper pole link? I think my eyes just threw up a little!
    I hate that Zoe chick too and want to see her die in a truly spectacular way! More grand explosions? Why do I hate her so? She makes my Jack-hate seem like a crush.
    What do we do tomorrow night Ack, what do we do?

  • Joanna says:

    Thank you for making my Monday! Hey, next week would you post your favorite recap that you’ve done? Pretty please???

  • Keeks says:

    Oh, I love it, all of it. ALL OF IT!

    But how do you know what I am thinking all the way through each and every episode, hmmm?

    Sunday/Monday (Ack recap day) is almost as happy a day for me as Tuesdays. Thank you muchly!

  • Sean says:

    Ack,

    Whenever you wig out on your keyboard at some huge plot twist, I think of Eyjafjallajokull…..

  • Robyn says:

    Claire’s wig almost had a bath when they all had to swim from the boat to the shore. Everyone else’s hair is drenched but hers aparently is waterproof.

  • bwa hahahahahaha!

    “the island’s version of Kimmy Gibbler”

    One of your best lines evar!

    And I play a game now. It’s called “Die, Zoe! Die!” wherein I scream that at the TV each time she appears. Here’s hoping she gets as evil and worthy a death as N&P, Frogurt and Phil.

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