Warning: Anyone who knows me knows I hate Jack. Deal with it.<\/p>\n
\n<\/center><\/p>\n
So Jack wakes up from having this crazy ass dream…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He had been on this island…and there were polar bears on it…and a slave ship….and everyone there was really, really, ridiculously good looking…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But it was really hard to live there because he had all these enemies that played mind games…they had no supplies or food or anything…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And some hot chick there kept leading him on….she kept making him think she liked him and then she’d run off with some other guy…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
He couldn’t even shave his chest for chrissakes…what a nightmare…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But that was all just a bad dream, so he pours himself a nice Irish coffee for breakfast and goes to check on his better half…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Jack: We are so in love.
\nKate: Yes, very much so.
\nJack: Look at how healthy our relationship is.
\nKate: We make out in the shower. That must be love.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Dear Penthouse, I was just a lonely pizza delivery guy on my last run for the night. I rang the doorbell to the condo and three buxom blonds in teddies answered the do…”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I think that’s enough story time for one night, Father.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Little tyke tuckered out before I got to his favorite part, Mother. I guess he’ll have to wait until tomorrow night to hear about Brandy’s double jointed tongue.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Jesus Christ, is this asshole finished yet? I’ve been pretending to be asleep for 20 minutes and Sal is waiting for me at the track.<\/i><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Look at him sleeping there, such an angel. It makes me almost forget he’s the bastard child of my father’s bastard child. Sigh.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Sal had better have that money he owes me, papa needs a new pair of shoes.<\/i><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Hey, you know who is inexplicably in a perfectly stable, happy relationship?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Us?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I heart you, Jack Shephard.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I heart you too, Kate Austen.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I am in no way secretly pretending to think you are someone else when we turn off the lights.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“And I am in no way using you as a way to cover up my own insecurities.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Jack: Look how in love we are, we make out in the hallway.
\nKate: And how.
\nJack: Try not to flinch when I grab your ass this time, okay?
\nKate: Just as long as you don’t call me “Daddy” again.
\nJack: We are so in love.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
So Juliet’s all like, “Hai Jack, wake up plz. If I have to hear you mumbling about Jate in your sleep anymore I might hurl.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Jack’s like …DADDY?? and wakes up, and he’s like WTF that was a crazy dream…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And he is emo because he’s still stuck on Craphole Island.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“You’re so hot!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Thanks Kate, I’m flattered, but now is not really the time…”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Um actually I meant you…have a…fever…”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then Jack wandered away, muttering something to himself about making out in a shower.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So meanwhile on the other side of the island…<\/p>\n
Miles is like, “STOP! Collaborate and listen!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Ice is back with a brand new invention?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“GROSS OMG!!! It’s Danielle and Karl!!!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then Claire was like OMG!!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then we were like OMG!!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then Sawyer was like “OMG…WAIT. How’d you even know who Frenchie and Chachi were? You never met them!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I SEE DEAD PEOPLE, DUDE!! KEEP UP!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
“Jack, can you please just STFU and stop trying to control everything?? I’m taking your appendix out and that’s final, mister.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I AM NOT CONTROLLING! STOP TRYING TO FIX ME, FIXER!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“It will be just like ripping off a Band Aid. Except not at all. Don’t worry, I totally know what I’m doing. I dissected a frog once in 7th grade. We are golden.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I know this is going to make me sound controlling, but if you’re doing this, I NEED TO BE IN CHARGE OF IT. AND ALSO, I WANT KATE THERE IN CASE I NEED MOUTH TO MOUTH.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I just wanted to remind everyone that I am a bitch, in case it needed to be reiterated. Which I doubt, so anyway…FUCK ALL Y’ALL.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Not in front of the kids, Gingerballs. You are giving us Freighter Folk a bad name!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
“Why would Jack want me in there?! I can’t stand the sight of blood!!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I know, I know, I don’t understand it either. Like at all.” *cough*BOO YOU WHORE*cough*<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So meanwhile Miles is all staring at Claire…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But Sawyer was like, “OH NO YOU DIH’INT”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Miles was like “Jus’ mind ya bznss.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
“So…shaving your entire torso is entirely unnecessary, but I think it’s sexay.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
*pained laugh* “I like the way it accentuates my man boobs, maybe I’ll keep it up in the future.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***
\nSpeaking of the future…<\/p>\n
Christian: Get over here, son. I wanna eat YOUR BRAINZ!!!!1!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Jack: YAY! Father\/son quality time!!!!!!!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So then he goes to visit Hurley in the Cuckoo’s Nest because hallucinating is way more fun with a friend.<\/p>\n
“Hurley!!!!!!! WAZZUUUUUUUUP!?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
*clears throat* “So, whatcha been up to? Anything…fun?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Been making some macaroni art? Hm? Maybe uh, making some ashtrays?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Been getting cheeky glances at the pretty nurses’ cleavage? Yeah? Been having some uh…pudding? With a little uh…whipped cream?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Allllrighty then, well it’s been fun. Guess I’ll just duck out now…”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I’ve been hanging out with Charlie, dude. He looks awesome…He’s a hot dead guy.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“…You know, Hurley…I don’t think you’re actually<\/i> crazy.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Talking to dead people not crazy enough for ya? You want me to take a shit on the floor or something?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Aaaaaand that’s my cue to go.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
So Sawyer, Claire, and Miles are out gallivanting around the jungle when they hear a noise…<\/p>\n
“STOP!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Hammer time?” <\/p>\n
It was Frank! And he was like “RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!” because those soldier dudes were dragging each other courageously through the jungle!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I don’t know how the hell to fix this guy, we never learned how to treat Smoke Monster-related injuries in Basic Training, bro!!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, Jack’s surgery is about to go down on the beach.<\/p>\n
And Kate was like, “I H8 U”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Juliet was all, “I H8 U MORE, BITCH! Just keep smiling so we don’t frighten Jack, mmkay?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“You know what, Jack? I’m going to stop trying to get between you and the Island Bike, over there. You’re obviously…in love…?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Jack: We are so in love.
\nKate: Just look at all this chemistry crackling between us.
\nJack: …I think I’m going to be sick.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
So future Jack goes and wakes Kate up in the middle of the night, and he’s all, “MARRY ME!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Kate’s like, “STEVE HOLT!” and then she’s like, “OH wait, you’re serious? lol I thought we were just quoting Arrested Development.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Listen to me, Kate. I need you to marry me, not because I love you, but because I need some kind of validation for all this SHIT I’ve been through. I figure if I can have a pretty wife by my side I can forget about the fact that I’m slowly slipping into madness.”<\/p>\n
“Plus, you make me feeling kinda funny. Like when I used to climb the ropes in gym class.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Yes, Jack! Yes I will marry you! And it’s not because I love you or anything, but because I need to make myself forget that I left Sawyer behind on that island! And there’s of course the whole Aaron<\/i> thing to deal with, all of that would just be easier if I was married. So YES!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Jack: We are so in love!
\nKate: We just have to keep telling ourselves that!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
So Jack’s like, hunkering down for this appendectomy.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Juliet’s all “EW EW EW EW”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Kate’s all “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack’s all “OW OW OW OWWWWWWWWWWMG”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Kate just starts CRYING for no reason.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack’s just like FREAKING OUT, MAN!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So Juliet’s like “ALRIGHT. THAT’S IT. STFU.” and decides to put Jack under!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
So Jack’s hanging out after work and he hears this beeping sound, and instead of it being the usual asshole burning popcorn on the second floor, it was *GASP*<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
OLD DADDY JEARBUCKS! And Jacob<\/strike> God said, “LET THERE BE JEARS!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And it was good!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack was all, “Gimme some drugs to heal my pain!” and the other doctor was like, “Only as long as you promise to wash it down with alcohol!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So then Jack goes home to his loving fiance Kate, and she’s on the phone with some mystery person.<\/p>\n
“Alright then, “NOREEN<\/i>,” I’ll see you later on the “PLAYGROUND<\/i>,” make sure you bring “THE JUICE BOXES<\/i>.””<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“You know, when I can actually see you doing the quotey fingers, I kind of know something is going on.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“What, hon? Oh that? That was just Noreen<\/i>. She is a total riot. Hey look how awesome I am at marital bliss! Look at this fridge! We MUST be a loving, happy family with a fridge like this, amiright??”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“What would you like for dinner tonight, Father? How about tacos? We haven’t had Taco Night in a while…”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
*mutters* Maybe you should be making fish biscuits you little…<\/i><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“What was that, hon? Okay well, tacos it is!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And so Jack followed that doctor’s orders, and he’s like “Looks like I picked a bad week to quit opiates.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then wept a little. Because HE WAS JUST SO HAPPY AND IN LOVE. In case you forgot.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
So then out in the jungle, Claire wakes up and Aaron’s not next to her and she looks up and she’s like “…Dad?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Christian’s all, “Poppop gets a treat?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
“So, um, thanks for saving him, I guess.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“You’re welcome. I guess. I ain’t bovvered.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Ladies, ladies, please! Don’t all fight over me at once!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
So then Jack’s at home babysitting Aaron the way his old man used to babysit him. Which is really just babysitting a bottle<\/i> while the kid is in another room or something.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Do you really think you should be drinking so much? We’re in love, remember? People who are in love don’t need to drink their dinner.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack was all “WHERE WERE YOU” and blah blah and then he’s like “YOU STILL LOVE HIM<\/I>, DON’T YOU!?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Kate’s like, “YES, I DO! I STILL LOVE TOM<\/STRIKE> KEVIN<\/strike> SAWYER!!!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“WELL THAT JUST SUCKS BIG DONKEY DICKS, DOESN’T IT!?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Face it Jack, the only thing we have in common is that we both like to cry an inordinate amount!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack was all, “I DO NOT CRY A LOT” through the tears!!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So then Aaron finally rolls up from his night at the track…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Kate’s like, “MAH BABEH!!!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack’s like, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN RELATED TO HIM. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE NOBLE BLOOD OF SHEPHARD RUNNING THROUGH YOUR VEINS!!! SHEPHARDS RULE, AUSTENS DROOL!! Now where’s my whiskey…hmmm…*hiccups* MY GENES ARE SUPERIOR TO YOURS!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
So then Sawyer wakes up in the jungle, and he’s all “WHERE’S CLAIRE!?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Miles is like, “I don’t know, she went with some old guy. Just follow the scent of Scotch mixed with a smug sense of entitlement, you’ll find them.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So then Sawyer went and found Aaron, who was doing his best impression of a Cabbage Patch Kid.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then he picked up the baby and every female Lost viewer’s ovaries exploded.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Because…omg BABY!!!!!!!!!1 ;lasdjf;lasdklf;kasld;<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The End.<\/p>\n
You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE<\/a>.<\/p>\n Comments are always lovely, and if you’re here from Livejournal feel free to friend me<\/a>, I don’t bite :D<\/p>\n