\n<\/center><\/p>\n
So everyone’s on the beach and they’re all screaming, and Charlie’s like, “There’s someone out there!!! I can’t swim!” and we’re all like, “lolz nice one, Lost writers, he can sure swim later on!” But we didn’t know that yet so it doesn’t matter. ANYWAY…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Of course Jack is just like, “HERE I COME TO SAY THE DAAAAY!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And he’s all like MARCO!!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Boone’s all like, “POLO!!!!!!!!!!!” <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Paulo’s like, “Que?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack’s like “I AM SO HEROIC!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then he brings Boone back to the shore, where they all pile on top of each other in a Mound of Beautiful People!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then Jack’s like, “THERE’S SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE!!!!!!1” but this Joanna chick is all like *sleeps with the fishes*<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So then it turns out that Boone was trying to save this other chick, and now he’s v. emo about the subject. He breaks out his Nick Drake albums and stares into space for a while. While looking v. pretty.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Then Kate’s talking to Jack about the dead chick, and she’s like, “Well, you tried…”
\n<\/p>\n
And Jack’s like, “DO OR DO NOT. THERE IS NO TRY” and then he starts twitching and runs away after something, leaving Kate a tad dumbfounded.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Ah, it is nice to have one quick moment to contemplate and have one independent thoug…”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
PWNED.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So then Sawyer’s all like, “You’re in my light COMMA sticks”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Shannon’s just like, “I H8 U.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Sawyer’s all like, “Ngh, I love them womenfolk!!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Kate and Claire are on the beach doing some female bonding. And amidst the talk of periods, Brad Pitt, and fabulous underwear, we’re all kind of like, “Wow that Claire chick is pretty cute, I’d hate for anything bad to happen to her!” and the writers are like, “Win!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So then Hurley and Charlie go to Jack to let him know the water’s almost all gone.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack’s just like, “I don’t know why you’re telling me this, I am neither your leader nor a hero, despite every single thing I have done since the crash. Good day, sirs.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Then he looks up and sees something no one else can, and runs off into the jungle, flailing his arms in a most psychotic fashion!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“There goes the neighborhood.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Then we see Flashback!Mini-Jack and he’s all like, “I done stood up for my friend, Pa.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Daddy Shephard is all like, “Son, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
En route to the jungle, arms still waving madly over his head, Jack is intercepted by Boone, who has now moved from Nick Drake to Bright Eyes, and he’s starting to get edgy. He just doesn’t know what to do with himself, he wants to do something to help!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack’s just like, “WHY CAN’T ANYONE UNDERSTAND I AM NOT YOUR LEADER OMFG!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Boone’s like, “STFU I’M GOING TO TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS, JACKASS! HA! SEE WHAT I DID THERE! I MADE A DELIGHTFUL, YET OBVIOUS PUN OUT OF YOUR NAME! SO THERE!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So then Jack runs, arms and legs akimbo, and flings himself into the brush.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And we’re all like OMFG GUY IN A SUIT OMGOMG!!!!!!!! ;lsdjf;lkasdjfl;k<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack’s just like, “…Daddy?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Christian is just like, *OMINOUSLY SILENT*<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Which freaks Jack out…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
…who is then beaten about the face and head by bushes, who just want to be left alone.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So then in a flashback, we learn where Jack got his good looks and moist eyes from. And his mom’s just like, “Go and find your father, the help isn’t going to pay themselves, you know.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Jack’s like, “Mom, seeing you cry makes me<\/i> cry!” And his mom says, “Oh Jesus Christ Jack, EVERYTHING makes you cry, now get your pansy ass to Australia!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Meanwhile on the beach, that cutie preggo Claire has collapsed! And OH NO it is conveniently on the same day the water has run low! What to do!?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Hey there pretty lady, you know which way it is to the gym?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Sayid’s like, “Please never do that again. Right. Anyway, how are we going to procure more fresh water? We obviously cannot make a move while Jack is off trotting like a lunatic around in the jungle.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Locke’s like, “Oooooh…Jack, alone, emotional, in need of a shoulder to cry on…I’ll find him. Now go take care of Claire, I’m gonna go fondle my sweaters.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Kate: Did he just says he was going to fondle his sweaters<\/i>?
\nLocke: *calls out as he walks away* “Ah, uh – no I didn’t. I said fondue cheddar, I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight. Later!”
\nSayid: …fucking Americans.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
While all of this is going on, Jack is in the jungle going basically batshit insane! He’s hearing whispering voices that are leading him in every direction. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Out of nowhere, he falls over a cliff! And he’s all like, “Oh mah gawwwd!” *cries*<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But then Locke’s hand comes from out of nowhere and pulls Jack over the side! And Jack immediately breaks out into a giggle fit because he’s crazy now! And Locke tries to spoon him!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
By now, Claire has gotten the last of the water, and she’s all like, “Chahlee, thank you for your help!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Charlie’s just like, “I wanna be ur baby daddy!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
The others, however, aren’t so giddy. Jin has one thing figured out: Soy-yah has to be the one who took the water.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So Kate goes off and tackles Soy-yah in a very sexy manner.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But as it turns out, he doesn’t have it. And he’s all like, “And I would appreciate if you would keep your bloody hands off me, you uncivilized swine! I demand respect, do you hear me? Charlatans, all of you! My word!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Back in the jungle, post-spooning, Jack is explaining to Locke how he thinks he might be totally batty!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And Locke is just like, “Don’t worry! I hear the voices too! You’re just as sane as I am!” and then he started going on about nargles and crumple-horned snorkacks.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Now in the flashback, Jack is walking through this hospital, and he can already feel the tears welling up in his eyes.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Yes, so it is true, then. His father is dead. He knows that he should be a man and not break down in front of other people.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So he holds it in…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
For all of 3 seconds.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then he just loses it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Because that is how Jack rolls.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
In fact, he’s STILL crying by the time we get back to him on the island!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
But then he hears something moving around! And he’s like O HAY, WATER!!!! And then he’s like OH SHIT!!!! COFFIN!!!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then we see that Jack’s dad had actually died right before the crash, and that’s why he was on the plane! And he was in the airport, and he was like, “I’M NOT GONNA DO…WHAT EVERYONE THINKS I’M GONNA DO…which is just like FLIP OUT!!!!!!!!” And the clerk is just like “…” and Jack’s like, “ALL I WANNA KNOW…IS WHO’S COMING WITH ME!?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
So then Jack goes to open up the coffin, because who WOULDN’T want to see the rotting corpse of their father, and lo and behold, the coffin is empty! L;LKASDJF;LKASDLKJS<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Meanwhile back on the beach, Sayid and his cunning skillz have determined that Boone is in fact the burglar in The Case of the Missing Water! And Boone’s like, “I JUST WANTED TO HELP. WHICH I SEE NOW, ACTUALLY, DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. I’M GOING TO GO LISTEN TO MORRISSEY NOW. BOONE OUT.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
And then Jack comes back in a much less crazy way than he had left, and he’s all like, “LIVE TOGETHER, DIE ALONE, BLAH BLAH.” And everyone’s all like, “Wow, that guy is truly a hero! What a natural leader!”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Jack: I mean I just don’t know why they keep coming to me with stuff, I just want to do my own thing, you know?
\nKate: *facepalm*<\/p>\n
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