{"id":510,"date":"2009-03-18T14:02:57","date_gmt":"2009-03-18T19:02:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/?p=510"},"modified":"2009-03-18T14:09:53","modified_gmt":"2009-03-18T19:09:53","slug":"battlestar-galactica-the-frakking-eulogy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/?p=510","title":{"rendered":"Battlestar Galactica: The Frakking Eulogy"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

After a magnificent run, Battlestar Galactica’s last episode will be airing this Friday. In an attempt to give it a proper send-off (and to help me grieve *sniff*), I have written an ode to commemorate its passing into the annals of television history. It begins with some of random moments from the series, and concludes with the internet equivalent of…well, a giant hug.<\/p>\n

I’ll remember to keep my day job.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The Cylons were created by man.
\nThey attacked, and we lost, and then ran.
\nBut we’re less absolved than they are evolved –
\nAnd…THEY HAVE A PLAN.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

We lost most of the human race,
\nThe rest of us are out floating in space,
\nBut all hope is not lost, we’ve got a good boss –
\nNot to mention that ace Kara Thrace.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

You seem<\/i> like a brash young cadet,
\nBut don’t act like we’ve never met,
\nDon’t be a snob – YOU’RE Skinjob –
\nWe just haven’t switched you on yet!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

She’d do anything to protect her flock,
\nDon’t matter if you’re a toaster or a Viper jock,
\nIf Roslin thinks you’re a spy, kiss life goodbye –
\nBecause you’re SO getting tossed out the airlock.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

He’s a man that has constantly lied to us.
\nWhich is stronger – his brain or his penis?
\nDespite his big head, I’d jump in his bed –
\nYou can’t deny Mr. Nice Gaius!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

They kept the Hybrid confined,
\nCause she bridged the gap between real and divine,
\nShe told us a slew while covered in goo –
\ndot dot dot END OF LINE.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Perhaps it is his boyish charm,
\nOr that he saved Kara from that Farm.
\nWhat makes us say DAMN when we see Sam?
\nI personally think it’s his ARMS.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

We loved his freckled, mop-topped head,
\nHe didn’t do what he thought<\/i>, but what he felt<\/i> instead.
\nHe took a bullet for Dee, even though she was frakking Lee –
\nOh Billy, I’m so sad you’re dead! ;_;<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Your wife is a robot, your kid is half Toaster,
\nYour life has been like a roller coaster.
\nAnd despite all the pain, you’ve somehow stayed sane –
\nYou’re the most noble guy ever, Mister!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

There’s this guy in a field named Apollo,
\nWho’s standing buck naked and bellows,
\n“I’ll tell you to your face – I LOOOVE KAAAAARA THRACE –
\nAnd I don’t care who frakking knows!”<\/p>\n

Starbuck wants to avoid drama,
\nAnd not let this night cause much trauma,
\nBut after that kiss? In her post-coital bliss?
\n“KARA THRACE LOVES LEE ADAMA!”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

There once was a vicious attack,
\nThat made Tigh’s eye socket go black,
\nBut if he’s Final Five, and if Ellen’s alive –
\nThen how come it can’t grow right back?<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Leland Adama was incredibly buff,
\nUntil life on the Pegasus got kind of rough,
\n“My waist is so thick that I can’t see my dick!”
\nThank god Daddy Bill screamed “ENOUGH!!!”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

For 2,000 years we survived,
\nWe few, the Final Five.
\nWe all got the power when we heard the Watchtower<\/i> –
\nWithout us, you’d not be alive.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

There was once a Chief named Tyrol,
\nWho was truly a man of the people,
\nUntil the day came when everything changed –
\nAnd the human race became his rival.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

He was once the head of command,
\nBut now I doubt he can stand,
\nHe hit the bottle so hard that his liver’s in shards –
\nEven Tigh thinks that he’s out of hand!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

She survived losing her Caprican home,
\nAnd her shiny foes made of chrome,
\nBut thanks to her sickness, she’s totally hairless –
\nI really hate seeing her dome.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Of all the ways to go,
\nOn this fraktastic show,
\nSeeing Cally’s dead face floating in space –
\nTickled me more than you know.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

BSG, the show with balls,
\nFrom the vaccuum of space to the fields of Kobol,
\nWhat an amazing ship, what an amazing trip –
\nSO SAY WE ALL<\/p>\n

**************************<\/p>\n

Thank the Lords of Kobol for giving us Galactica,
\nThe pilots and the Cylons and the men of Caprica<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thank the gods for showing us the error of our ways,
\nThe way we expected robots to work without a break for days,
\nNow we know to treat them all with tender loving care,
\nBecause the humans and the Cylons can really make a lovely pair.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for Laura Roslin, who’s got some steely balls,
\nAnd is still willing to admit to some of her bigger shortfalls.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for the Admiral Adama, despite his totem-pole face,
\nHe made us feel both warm and safe out here in the cold space.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks to Lee Adama for defending the whole fleet,
\nAnd crashing Pegasus to bits when we thought that we were beat.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thank the gods for Kara Thrace, our fearless chosen one<\/strike> freak,
\nWho’d choose bullets over lipstick any frakking day of the week.
\nShe’s saved our asses from the Cylons more than all else combined,
\nSo despite being a zombie, she’s a gift to all mankind.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for Doctor Baltar’s scientific contributions,
\nWhich have gotten the whole fleet out of some sticky situations.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks to Helo Agathon for always being a good friend,
\nAnd standing by his toaster wife until the very end.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thank chain smoking Doctor Cottle for patching up our battle wounds,<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for all the tiny tank tops that cause us all to swoon.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for making a good person out of that old bastard Tigh,
\nThanks for the Quorom, and those Raiders’ shadows in the sky.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for Kara and Lee boxing, thanks for Bill and Saul’s bromance,
\nThanks for putting Gaius Baltar in a drug-fueled psycho trance.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks to Galen Tyrol for giving wings to Diana Seelix,
\nThanks to Mr. Hoshi for finally giving some to Felix.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks to Ellen and Saul Tigh for always knowing how to rally,
\nThanks to Hot Dog Costanza for impregnating Private Cally.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks to Racetrack, Skulls and Jammer, Narcho, Duck and Jo-Jo,
\nThanks to Flat-Top, Kat and Chuckles, Crashdown, Shark, and Gonzo.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for Lampkin and his kitty,
\nThanks for making Cavil witty.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for making many copies, and for Baltar’s pretend friends,
\nThanks for the FTL drive and attempted murder with a pen.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for the C-Bucks, Raptors, and the bar named Joe’s,
\nThanks for filling Baltar’s cult with a bunch of major hoes.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for nuggets and for toasters and for “Start having babies,”
\nThanks for making sure this show made it past 1980.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for Zarek, thanks for Hera,
\nThanks for Starbuck’s big mandala.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thank the Lords of Kobol for the melody of life,
\nThat lifted people up from all the danger and the strife.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for Vipers, the Centurions, and Athena’s tomb,
\nThanks for finally showing Roslin staying in Adama’s room.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thank the Lords of Kobol for unboxing Number Three,
\nWho saw the faces of the Five and knew insanity.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for Doral, thanks for Simon, thanks for Cavil, Boomer too,
\nThanks for letting us see Number Six in that big tub of goo.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for Leoben and his crazy, wacko lines,
\nThat creeped us out and made us think all at the same time.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thank gods for Elosha, Kobol, seers, and chamalla,
\nThanks for splitting up the pair of Apollo and Dualla.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks to the Arrow of Apollo for pointing us to home,
\nEven if that now we’ve seen it we’d prefer to roam.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks for Bear McCreary’s perfect, haunting score,
\nThat stirred our hearts and always left us wanting more.
\nThanks for “A Promise to Return,” “Allegro,” and “Shape of Things to Come,”
\nThanks for “Roslin and Adama,” “Precipice,” and POUNDY DRUMS!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thanks to Katee, Jamie, Mary, Rehka, James and Grace and EJO,
\nTrucco, Lucy, Aaron, Michael, Tahmoh, Tricia, and Allessandro.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thank you writers, thank you crew,
\nThank you producers and directors too.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Thank the Lords of Kobol for giving us Galactica,
\nThe pilots and the Cylons and the men of Caprica.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And now just like a dying star, we’ll watch our show go supernova,
\nIt was frakking gorgeous while it lasted….but sadly, now it’s ovah. ;_;<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

SO SAY WE ALL.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

*bawls*<\/center><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

After a magnificent run, Battlestar Galactica’s last episode will be airing this Friday. In an attempt to give it a proper send-off (and to help me grieve *sniff*), I have written an ode to commemorate its passing into the annals of television history. It begins with some of random moments from the series, and concludes […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[317],"class_list":["post-510","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bsg","tag-battlestar-galactica"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/510","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=510"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/510\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=510"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=510"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=510"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}