{"id":49,"date":"2008-01-30T12:30:55","date_gmt":"2008-01-30T17:30:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.com\/?p=49"},"modified":"2008-04-12T12:33:30","modified_gmt":"2008-04-12T17:33:30","slug":"lost-recap-all-of-season-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/?p=49","title":{"rendered":"Lost Recap: All of Season 3"},"content":{"rendered":"

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<\/center>
\nAllllrighty then so like last season we all knew The Others were these Grizzly Adam-types living off the fat o’ the lan’ and whatnot and right away it’s like UM ACTUALLY NO THEY LIVE IN A J CREW CATALOGUE!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So when we last left our heroes they were all like captured and whatnot, and so now it’s like WHERE DID THEY TAKE THEM? I will show you.<\/p>\n

Jack’s like, I HATE THIS GLASS CASE OF EMOTION<\/STRIKE> I AM IN.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And Sawyer’s all FISH BISCUITS FTL, YO QUIERO TACO BELL.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And Kate was like, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME…PUT ON A DRESS!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Juliet was like, “I am sarcastic and blonde and I enjoy mpreg and sandwiches, what up??”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

“…all I’m saying is that John Lennon’s best song was obviously Mind Games<\/i>.” Now kneel before me, swine.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Jack was like, “My ex-wife is boning another guy and my dad is more sane than I aaaaaam ;____;”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So Ben’s all singing to himself like…hm hm mm step you take every move you make hm hm hm hm hmm I’LL BE WATCHING YOUUUUU!! …Sting rules \\m\/<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Sawyer: STRAWBERRIES!
\nKate: FISH BISCUITS!
\nSkaters: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *HEADS EXPLODE\/LOINS QUIVER*
\nJaters: *crickets*
\nSkaters: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO SRSLY OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
\nJaters: HE IS ONLY USING HER OMG! THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND KATE DOESN’T HAVE TO TAKE IT
\nSkaters: *having orgasms*
\nJaters: …IS ANYTHING ELSE ON??<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So then Ben shows Jack this tape of the Sox actually WINNING THE SERIES and Jack was just like Basebaaaaalllllll ;_____;<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Locke lost his voice and he was like, “Drugs are only bad when other<\/i> people do them!”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

AND THEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN THINGS WENT CRAZYYYY!!!!! AND LOCKE WAS LIKE OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMFGOMGOMG<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

AND WE<\/I> WERE LIKE MGOMGOMGOMGOMFGOMGOMGOMG!!!11!!!!1ONE!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And so then Desmond’s all naked in the jungle and he’s like CHECK OUT MY WEE WILLY WINKY, AY BROTHAH??<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then the polar bear has Mr. Eko is his cave and he’s like, MMM DARK MEAT, JUST LIKE I LIKE IT.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But then Locke was like, “Hey, Bear. Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”<\/p>\n

*pwns with hairspray*<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So then Desmond starts having these ~*VISIONS*~ and he’s like, WHY CAN’T I HEAR THE TARDIS COMING BACK FOR ME?? <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Every Man for Himself has been brought to you by the letter B!!<\/p>\n

Bondage!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Babies!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Benry’s Bunnies!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Blood!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So then Mr. Eko walks through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and it’s surprisingly cheerful, with all the sunshine and flowers and whatnot.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Juliet is like, “I’ve got the Subterranean Homesick Blues<\/a>. No srsly I’m living under the fucking ocean and all I want to do is go home ;_;<\/p>\n

Now kill that googly-eyed sumbitch and let’s blow this popstand.”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And Jack’s just like, Bob Dylaaaan ;_; Popstaaaand ;___;<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then we see Patchy and he looks at this camera and he’s like, “…I really<\/i> hope this thing wasn’t on while I was cosplaying Nadia Komenich…”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Audience: EKO!<\/b> Eko! Eko!<\/small>
\nEko: …
\nAudience: BOO. ;_;<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Jaters: SEE? KATE LOVES JACK!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Skaters: *having aneurysms*<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Jaters: >:O<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Skaters: :DDDDDDDD<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But Jack saw them spooning and he was like noooooo Jungle seeeeeex ;_;<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So anyway Ben needs this surgery and Jack’s all, I’m gonna cut out ur tumorz now lol. Just so you know YOU AREN’T THE BOSS OF ME! GUH!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And Ben was like, “I know you’ve got my back! Ha! I am a riot<\/i>!”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So then The Others are all like, FREE YOUR MIND OR WE’LL DO IT FOR YOU!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then after a little coaxing from Richard and Ethan, Juliet is just like babbling to herself and singing “The Wheels on the Bus” over and over!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And Kate and Sawyer finally escape the Others’ evil clutches!!!!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Desmond just like TIME TRAVELS and he’s like WWWWWWWWWWWTF IS HAAAAAAPPENING and we’re like @_@ IT’S ALRIGHT BROTHAH WE ARE ALSO CONFUSED and as it turns out Desmond’s kind of psychic, but not like Miss Cleo psychic, he’s like FOR REALZ psychic!!! <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But then the downside is Charlie singing “Maybehhhh you’re gonna be the one that saves mehhhh” because unfortunately CHALEE, YAW GONNA DIE!! ;_;<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Jack caught chlamydia!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Gonaaaaaads ;____;<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Hurley found…THE DHARMA VAN!!!!!!!!!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And it was the Best Thing EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Because boys banding together always makes us warm and fuzzy, especially when dogs\/beer\/creepy old skeletons are involved!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And because Charlie looked Death in the face and SQUEED.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And because HOOGO’S MAMA HAS NEEDS<\/i>!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Patchy invited Sayid and Kate over for some lemonade!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And Sawyer and Hurley had a chat about balls.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Then Locke played a round of Good Idea\/Bad Idea…<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

…guess which one won?!!!!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So then Christian goes to Australia and he’s like *BREATHES*CLAAAIRE, I AM YOUR FATHAH” and we were all like, YEAH HI WE KNEW THAT, except our parents\/spouses\/coworkers\/etc who don’t LOVE Lost like we LOVE Lost and they were like OMG!!!!!!! and we were like PSH AMATEURS.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And alas here marks The Death of Patchy: First Blood.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Charlie and Claire proved they couldn’t be any cuter if they tried.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Jack played “wide receiver” for Tom.<\/p>\n

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So all this time we’re still wondering how Locke ended up in that wheelchair and then LO AND BEHOLD it turns out he broke his spine during a reenactment of Alan Rickman’s final scene in Die Hard!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And Ben managed to be a SUPERVILLAN in his frakking JIMJAMS, which is quite a feat, for real.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then a certain DICK was found in a certain BOX, and while Locke’s reaction looked like this:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

OUR REACTION LOOKED SOMETHING MORE LIKE THIS:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

;lfkja;lskjf’l;dskf’;lsdkf’;lakfdl;’<\/p>\n

So. Anyway. As a reward for trying to save Dr. Jackass from The Others, Kate gets to spend some Quality Time with Juliet.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

OH AND THE SMOKE MONSTER ALSO.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

AND MUD.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So after being gone for a long time Kate comes back to Sawyer he’s like ~*googley eyes*~ and it’s super cute.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And so then we find out all this stuff about Juliet and we’re like AW OKAY SHE HAS AN HONEST ENOUGH FACE.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But like…here’s a chart of how best to describe Juliet on a good day, AMIRIGHT???<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Okay so anyway then Desmond and the Goonies went CAM-PING!<\/p>\n

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And Charlie kept dying-but-not-really in horrible bloody ways!<\/p>\n

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“…and then, the man stood in the dark room and heard a noise….out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of color and knew right then and there that his worst nightmare had come true…”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

“…HIS WIFE HAD GONE GROCERY SHOPPING…WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION!!!!<\/I>” *screams like a little girl*<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then we were all like, “HAI PENNY I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU WERE A LOT….PALER.”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

“Captain’s log, stardate 8141.6. Dharma Initiative testing a go for the Korean. All is well. And yet I cannot help myself from wondering: Who is Sun’s Baby Daddy?”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So okay then we were like HEY PATCHY WHAT UP!? And then we quickly added, “You’re looking…a lot more ALIVE since the last time we saw you. What’s your secret?”<\/p>\n

“I have one of those Jack LaLanne Power Juicers. Very handy. Very handy indeed. Oh and also, I am EEN-VEENS-ABLE!”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But then Jin was like, “MY SPERM MAY BE A BUNCH OF WUSSES, BUT I’M CERTAINLY NOT.”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So then Ben tells Locke to make his daddy an offer he can’t refuse!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

YOU’RE A SON OF A BITCH<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

YOUR MOM.<\/I><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

YEAH. EXACTLY. MY MOM. >:O<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

*dies in a much less bloody way than we’d have hoped*<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So then Jack was crowned Archduke of DOUCHINGTON when he was all cozy with his new BFF Juliet and blew Kate off!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then we learned all about Harry Potter and the Island of Mysteries!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then good old Dick Alpert was like, “Sure, I was born with these good looks. IN THE MIDDLE AGES, BITCHES!!! ”<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Ben pulled an Oedipus and killed Uncle Rico<\/strike> Skeletor<\/strike> his Dad!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But then instead of poking out his own peepers, Ben went and shot Locke instead!! And why<\/i> did he shoot Locke??<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I would suggest asking your friendly local poltergeist, JACOB!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then Charlie made his Greatest Hits list…<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And even though he’d kind of been a major dick for the past few months, it made us all really sad…<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Because Charlie’s tiny and blonde and we never wanted him gone or anything. We just wanted him to be less of a jerk sometimes. *sniff*<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

AND THEN CAME THE FINALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<\/p>\n

AND THE JEARS FLOWED LIKE THE MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And since Jack was feeling like a pussy because of all the crying, he hit a raccoon on the highway just so he could slap it onto his face! BECAUSE…<\/p>\n

ONLY MANLY<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

MEN<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

HAVE<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

BEARDS!!!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So anyway, the whole finale was something like this:<\/p>\n

JACK CRIES<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

BLOODINESS ENSUES<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

JACK DOES DRUGS<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

GUNS GO OFF<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

JACK IS A MESS<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

WALT COMES BACK<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

JACK RELIVES 1994<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

PATCHY’S DEAD II: ELECTRIC BOOGALO<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

JACK LOSES HIS SHIT<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

BEN ORDERS A KNUCKLE SANDWICH WITH A SIDE OF FAILSAUCE<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

JACK BAWLS<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

SAYID’S FEET TAP DANCE ON SOME DUDE’S SPINAL CORD<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

JACK GETS BELIGERENT<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

PATCHY RETURNS IN EVIL DEAD 3: ONE-MAN ARMY OF DARKNESS<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

AND THEN CHARLIE…YOU KNOW….;_________;<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

JACK MAKES A PHONE CALL<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

LOCKE LOSES HIS MARBLES<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

JACK WEEPS<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

AND!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN!!!!!!!! Z;LKJDFF;KLSJFG;LKDSFJG;KLSDJFKL;GSJDF;KGL<\/p>\n

AND THEN OUR BRAINS EXPLODED!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT JACK WASN’T BEING A DOUCHEY CRYING MESS IN A FLASHBACK, HE WAS JACK TO THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!<\/p>\n

BECAUSE KATE WAS LIKE HAI GUYS<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

AND JACK WAS LIKE *SNIFF* HAI GUYS<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

AND HE WAS LIKE, WE HAVE TO GO BACK<\/B> ;ZSDKFL;AKSDJF;LKADSJF;LKSDJF;LKSKL!!!!!!!!!!!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And then our brains leaked out of our ears, and we all fell into a hellish nightmare in which we had to live without a new Lost for 8 and a half months.<\/p>\n

THE END.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,24,6],"tags":[311,25,26,9],"class_list":["post-49","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-lost","category-recap-tv","category-tv","tag-lost","tag-lost-recap","tag-lost-season-3","tag-recap"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=49"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=49"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=49"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.theackattack.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=49"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}