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Lost Recap 5×16: The Incident Part I

May 17th, 2009 § 68

In the first hour of the Season 5 finale, Jacob earns some frequent flyer miles, Juliet learns kung fu, Sayid loses a few quarts of blood, and Ben plays Simon John Locke Says.

Click to read Part II of the finale!


Previously on Lost…

“They are about to drill into a massive Hot Pocket of energy…and we all know what happens to Hot Pockets on this show!!”

*dramatic reenactment*

***

So first we see Rumplestiltskin some dude spinning some wool into thread, and everything looks kind of Ten Commandments-y.

And these guys are hanging out on the beach, only they’re not all decked out in neckerchiefs and J. Crew chinos, they’ve got like rope belts and mandals and whatnot!

Guy in Black: I must be evil since I’m wearing black. I invented Goth, bitches.
Guy in White: I must be good since I’m wearing white. Pay no attention to that red herring I just caught. *WINK*

So these guys see this huge ship (Black Rock represent!!!) and the Guy in Black is all like, “Another ship? Srsly? Let’s hope they’ve got some hot wenches on this one because the last one was a total bust. I mean what’s the point of magically drawing a ship to this Island if I can’t get some booty to plunder??”

“Keep it in ye olde pantse, Guy in Black. If you can’t find a strumpet to swab your deck, there will always be that plane in a few hundred years. Totally chocked full of hotties, bro.”

Guy in Black: If I don’t get laid in the next century, I’m…I’m going to kill you. I will find a loophole and I will KEEL YOU…*SCARY MUSIC*…JACOB!!!!!
Jacob: Oh shit, I’M Jacob?? I thought I was that guy from Dexter! LOL
Audience: LOOPHOLE? JACOB??? WHAAAAA???

So the Guy in Black stomped away in a huff, and then the 4-toed statue was all like “HEYYY DOES THIS LOINCLOTH MAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT OR WHAT???”

***

So we flash back to Baby Kate! And she stole a New Kids on the Block lunchbox!

“I can’t believe I even know who the New Kids on the Block are, the only music I’ve ever heard is Patsy Cline! Listen! It’s playing right now!”

Anyway, little Kate gets caught stealing, and instead of being carted off to Kids Court, Jacob shows up and pays for the lunchbox!!!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!??????

Store Guy: Ain’t you Aunt Zelda’s kid? I’m gonna call her right now, Missy!
Jacob: My treat, no harm done. You won’t steal anymore, will you Katie?
Katie: No sir. Just other people’s boyfriends.
Jacob: Good, because stealing is bad, mmkay? Murder is fine though, knock yourself out with that.

***

So Kate is like, “We’ve got to go back to The Island, Jack’s about to blow everyone up!”

And Sawyer’s kind of like, “Well…good for him,” and we’re all kind of like “Who the hell is this lame new Sawyer and what have they done with Mr. Badass #1??”

***

Meanwhile, Jack and Sayid are taking a look at Faraday’s journal to figure out how to dismantle/detonate Jughead!

Sayid: He left detailed instructions on…well actually this page just says “Mr. Daniel Staples-Lewis,” “Mrs. Charlotte Faraday,” and then “Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Faraday-Lewis.”
Daniel’s Journal: I never thought I’d fall for a Ginger Kid, but alas. I can’t stop thinking about her…she is intoxicating. I love the way her nose crinkles up when she’s being a huge bitch. Will I ever convince Charlotte to go steady with me? Sigh. She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.

“Didn’t he understand that in order to win over a pretty lady you just have to make all her decisions for her, and then develop a substance abuse problem, and then lie to her a lot, and then everything will be ruined between you, but then you can just figure out a way to turn back time and start over??? DUH. Simple.”

“You know, Jack…sometimes I wonder how your mind hasn’t caved in on itself like a dying star.”

***

Meanwhile at the Swan Station site…

“Dammit, Radzinsky!! If you don’t stop drilling now, that Hot Pocket of energy is going explode like sausage in a microwave!!! Don’t you care about the CONSEQUENCES?? I mean, I really enjoy having BOTH of my arms!”

“CONSEQUENCES SHMONSEQUENCES! AND WHAT THE FRAK IS A MICROWAVE!?”

***

Sun: So who’s this Jacob fellow I keep hearing so much about?
Ben: Oh, Jacob? He’s the Big Man on Campus.
Sun: So you guys are like good friends, right?
Ben: I thought we were, but it turns out he was just using me to get what he wanted. *sniff*
Sun: This sounds like an episode of The OC.

And so Richard’s like, “You know John, I’ve been on this Island a long ass time and I’ve never seen one person come back to life. Well, except Patchy. But that was more like a chicken running around with its head cut off, you know what I mean?”

“Well Richard, me coming back to life is just as ‘natural’ as those eyelashes of yours.”

And since Richard didn’t want to admit that he WASN’T born with it, and that it WAS Maybelline, he let it go!

***

So after taking a little butt-of-gun-induced nap, LaPenis wakes up and hears Ilana and Bram talking about whether or not he can be a “candidate,” whatever the hell that means!

Ilana & Bram: We think you might make a good candidate, except…
LaPenis: I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I would definitely fail the drug test.
Ilana & Bram: Well just so you know, we’re the good guys. This thing we’ve been carrying around would prove that.
LaPenis: Well, come on, what’s in the box???

And Brad Pitt is all, “Whaaaat’s in the booooxxxxx????”

And these guys are like, “It’s my dick in a box!!!!”

And LaPenis is just like, “…terrific.”

***

And then Jacob visits Baby Sawyer at his parents’ funeral, and he gives Sawyer a pen so he can write his vendetta letta to the real Sawyer!

Jacob: Now remember, the pen is mightier than the sword.
Jimmy: Yeah, but the chains hanging in some old slave ship are mightier than a pen.
Jacob: Touche.

And Sawyer’s Uncle Doug came and was like, “Whatever Happened, Happened What’s Dead is Dead What’s done is done,” and we’re like “lol episode titles”

And we wanted to hold Baby Sawyer to our bosoms. Aw.

***

And then Juliet does some crazy kung fu moves (because all doctors take Kung Fu 101 in med school, RIGHT??) and she tells the sub driver guy to drop them off Island-side!! Apparently she wanted to go back to her place so she could change her shirt into something a little less red.

***

And then, like so many times in the past, Jack asks “Is this big enough?”

To which Sayid says, “That will do…”

…which makes Jack happy, since that’s not usually the response he gets to that question!

“Yay! I’m a big boy!”

Richard: So Jack, tell me, is Locke ~*special*~?
Jack: Absolutely!
Richard: Just to clarify, I mean in a “Chosen One” way, not in a “Shortbus” way.
Jack: Ohhh well then…no.

***

Locke: …so Alex told you to do anything I say??
Ben: hhhhWhatever you say.
Locke: Rub your head and pat your belly!
Ben: *rubs head and pats belly*
Locke: Pick your nose!
Ben: *picks nose*
Locke: Stop putting too much emphasis on the H hhhwhen you talk!
Ben: hhhWhy would you do that?? Now you’re just being a hhhhwhore.

Locke: Okay, fine then. You can keep talking like Stewie Griffin, but in return you have to kill Jacob for me!
Ben: hhhhWhat the deuce!?

***

And then Sayid had to watch Nadia get hit by a car!!! And it was super sad!!!

And who was there to witness it but SURPRISE, SURPRISE, JACOB! He poured a little malt liquor onto the ground for his fallen homie and disappeared again!

***

After Sayid and Jack dismantled the H-bomb, Richard conked the pregnant Eloise on the head and presumably dragged her into the Rape Caves to protect her (and also relieve her of what little innocence she may have had left)!

So then Jack and Sayid decide to “hide in plain sight” because there are so many OTHER Iraqi-looking dudes with ponytails and beards hanging around Dharmaville.

What he needed was some Groucho glasses.

That’s more like it.

But of course our old pal Roger Work Man catches sight of Sayid and freaking SHOOTS him!!! And so Jack whips out his gun and starts shooting at EVERYONE (because all doctors take Shooting Guns 101 in med school, RIGHT??)

And in all of the excitement, Jack and Sayid both jizzed in their pants. And Sayid totally choked a guy with his hanging-out intestines because he’s just THAT badass.

And then they recreated the last scene of Ghostbusters.

And luckily Hurley, Miles, and Jin pulled up in the van and they all did that adorable Little Miss Sunshine thing where they hopped in while the van was moving!

***
So the 5 dollar foot long sub surfaced to drop Sawyer, Kate, and Juliet off and then it went on its merry way.

Kate: Hey Sawyer, let’s flirt!
Sawyer: Yeah, okay Freckles!
Juliet: Seriously, guys? I’m sitting right here.

And then they hear this barking and Sawyer’s like, “OMG ITS VINCENT!!! AND OMG ROSE AND SOME CRAZY HOBO!!!!!!! AND OMG LOOK, A RAINBOW!!!!!!! BARRING THE WHOLE ISLAND-BLOWING-UP THING THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!”

Rose: Oh look, it’s those people that were always trying to get us killed! Awesome!
Bernard: Oh…perfect. And it’s BEARD-NARD now, btw!

So Rose and Beard-nard explain that they’ve been living out in the jungle for the last 3 years, scavenging for food, not being shot at or taken hostage or whatever the hell the kids today are doing, and it’s all good because all they want is to be with each other!

And Rose looked at Beard-nard…

And Beard-nard looked at Rose…

And Sawyer looked at Kate…

Who was completely oblivious as usual….

But Juliet had looked at Sawyer, and she saw him looking at Kate, and she’s just like, “Seriously?? I’m RIGHT FUCKING HERE. God damn! As soon as I can find a new shirt y’all can HAVE each other, CHRIST.”

***

So Bram is explaining to LaPenis that what’s in this box will prove they are the good guys and they’re trying to help! And Frank’s just like, “Either I’m sorely mistaken, or I have grossly misinterpreted what’s flopping around in there.”

***

“Heyyy Yummy Mummy, where are Boo Berry and Count Chocula?” *chuckles to himself*

Ilana: Oh Jacob, you old cad! What brings you to my indiscernible neck of the woods?
Jacob: Well, I was wondering – once you’re feeling up to snuff, can you do me a solid and swing by the old stomping grounds, if you get my meaning?
Ilana: Ah yes, I know exactly what you mean. *flinches* You can’t see it, but I just winked.

***

So Ilana goes into Jacob’s cabin and sees that someone’s been squatting – and redecorating!

“Egyptian tapestries? Ugh, who’s been living here, Indiana Jones?”

And then they torched the place for some reason! Apparently they were not aware that only YOU can prevent forest fires.

***

This time we flash back to the day Locke was thrown out of the window! And omg, Jacob BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE!

“Despite what the audience is thinking right now, this is actually the only 1-UP you had left. Sorry, kiddo.”

***

“…what I’m saying to you Ben, is that you have no reason NOT to kill Jacob! You got cancer and your daughter was shot which was your fault and then you were banished! Why not just kill the dick? Killin’s fun. Killin’s easy. You love killin’.”

“If it’s that easy, then why didn’t you kill your own father? He stole your kidney and tried to murder you, and yet you had Sawyer do your dirty work. I could be wrong, but…I’m pretty sure you’re a huge pussy, John Locke.”

“Well, great talk, Benjamin! I see a patch of sand way over there with my name on it. Gotta run.”

***

And then the Lost writers decided to poke us right in the Charlie-is-Still-Dead wound that was finally starting to heal!! ;___;

“I swear, by the moon and the stars and the sky, I’ll be there. I swear like the shadow that’s by your side I’ll be there. For better or worse, till death do us part, I love you with every beat of my heart…I swear.”

Sun: Seriously, Jin? All-4-One lyrics? What the hell am I getting myself into?
Jin: Well…how about this…we’ll never be apart unless I get trapped in the 70’s for some reason.
Sun: Much better.

And of course Creeper Jacob swooped in long enough to tag Sun and Jin with his cosmic thread!

Jacob: Your love is special. Never take it for granted. Especially when Jin goes all gansta and Sun cheats on your ass with that bald guy.
Sun & Jin: …
Jacob: Allllrighty then, who can point me to the buffet?

***

So Jack, Hurley, Jin, Sayid, and Miles are on their way to the Swan site so they can detonate this crazy bomb of theirs, and Sayid is just like DYING and Jack is trying to stop the bleeding, but it’s not working, and everyone’s like freaking out!!!

And then Hurley’s like, “Um dudes? We’ve got a problem. A super sexy Southerner in a jumpsuit problem.”

Sawyer: YOU SHALL NOT PASS.
Kate & Juliet: Heyyy guys.
Audience: Oh there’s that Mr. Badass #1 we were looking for.

“Oh, isn’t that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day.”

Other finale recaps you may enjoy:
Season 3 Finale
Season 4 Finale


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§ 68 Responses to “Lost Recap 5×16: The Incident Part I”

  • Joan Crawford says:

    Haha! I totally thought of you when Jack asked “Is this big enough?” These are great – you should make a magazine of these recaps!

  • Marin says:

    FIRSTIES!!!!!!!

    Good as usual. :)

  • Marin says:

    DAMMN IT uhh….secondies!!

  • Sheets says:

    Ack, this was genius, as always. Loved the Faraday Journal entry, and Jin singing All-4-One was amazing, can;t wait for part 2!

  • klughs says:

    hot pockets! heh.

    Sayid: He left detailed instructions on…well actually this page just says “Mr. Daniel Staples-Lewis,” “Mrs. Charlotte Faraday,” and then “Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Faraday-Lewis.”

    tee hee!

  • Sheets says:

    Lol I also love the Mocke/Ben interaction. Lol Ben speaking like Stewie Griffin

  • RobbyRob says:

    WOO HOO!

  • Kim/Kimmerz says:

    this finale was ridiculoussssssssssssssssss

    homgggggggggggg

    i kep cracking up about juliet’s unfortunate shirt color

  • CParis says:

    “You know, Jack…sometimes I wonder how your mind hasn’t caved in on itself like a dying star.”

    You owe me a new screen and a can of soda!

  • Leah3t says:

    i absoluetly cannot wait for your recap of the jack ass kick.

  • laurakeet says:

    Love it! Just read partway and had to say before I forgot: Hot Pocket reenactment LOL big time, and I wish we had one for when Babay Kate said she’d never steal again. Plus, it’d be a flash-forward–very Lostian.

  • Katie says:

    Hah. Great. I love it. I can’t wait for more.

  • Omigod, you’ve got a cliffhanger. Now I’m in suspense.

    Can I just tell you how long I literally LOLed at Sayid’s Groucho glasses? That was awesome.

    And I’m really glad someone else hates the castration they’ve done to Sawyer. No wonder they renamed him LaFleur.

  • oh my werd. Totally made my night.

    Hot Pocket reenactment… Best. Scene. Ever.

    Jacob: Good, because stealing is bad, mmkay? Murder is fine though, knock yourself out with that.

    Ahahahahahah, I know right!

    Bernard: Oh…perfect. And it’s BEARD-NARD now, btw!

    Which is only marginally better than the Jeard.

    And so Jack whips out his gun and starts shooting at EVERYONE

    However, he can’t manage to actually HIT anything! I was like, what the hey!

    Ah, you crack me up.

  • Liv says:

    OMG, that was so hilarious. I laughed the entire way through. My dad thought I was crazy. I’m so excited hhhhwhen the next recap comes up!!

  • Barb says:

    “You know, Jack…sometimes I wonder how your mind hasn’t caved in on itself like a dying star.”

    Perfect! Great recap and a good laugh at just the right time.

  • LostLove says:

    Loved the salute to “Wayne’s World” ~~~ excellent!

    “Sigh. She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.”

  • ... says:

    “Juliet: Seriously, guys? I’m sitting right here.”

    Forget it, Jules. With Kate around you might as well change your name to Sue Storm because you are now The Invisible Woman. Hahaha.

  • Anonymous says:

    That was fantastic as usual. Might have laughed harder at this one than any others.

    Oh and I needed it after the finale too. So thank you.

  • Melissa says:

    I think this wins for quote of the day:

    And then they hear this barking and Sawyer’s like, “OMG ITS VINCENT!!! AND OMG ROSE AND SOME CRAZY HOBO!!!!!!! AND OMG LOOK, A RAINBOW!!!!!!! BARRING THE WHOLE ISLAND-BLOWING-UP THING THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!”

  • Jess says:

    OMG, every bit of that was hilarious!! And a Sabrina the Teenage Witch AND All 4 One shout out in the same recap? Pop culture brilliance!

  • Christa says:

    “Mr. Daniel Staples-Lewis,” “Mrs. Charlotte Faraday,” and then “Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Faraday-Lewis.”

    MADE OF AWESOME.

  • Flaknitter01 says:

    Even in her flashback, Juliet was wearing a pink shirt – can’t this chick catch a freakin’ break?

    Nothing beats a Wayne’s World reference, except for Sugar Booger – looking forward to Part 2 and Daily Dose!!!

  • Poozle says:

    LMAO THE LAST PART.

    And for some reason I enjoyed Sayid’s, “That will do,” so much. HAHA

  • Sarah says:

    Sayid w/Groucho glasses! Genius! Also, that picture right after it has some seriously grade-A prime Jackface.

  • Kiya says:

    “Kate: Hey Sawyer, let’s flirt!
    Sawyer: Yeah, okay Freckles!
    Juliet: Seriously, guys? I’m sitting right here.”

    “Didn’t he understand that in order to win over a pretty lady you just have to make all her decisions for her, and then develop a substance abuse problem, and then lie to her a lot, and then everything will be ruined between you, but then you can just figure out a way to turn back time and start over??? DUH. Simple.” —-> Genius!

    LOLOLOL

    PS: And yes, I’m a Skater!

  • Audrey says:

    “Well Richard, me coming back to life is just as ‘natural’ as those eyelashes of yours.”

    Poor Richard and his unnaturally full and supple lashes. Maybe that was a gift/curse from Jacob too. You know, for some sort of lesser heroics/offense.

  • Anonymous says:

    YOU SHALL NOT PASS! That made my day!

    … And Jack´s women conquering advice, of course. Looking forward to your II part recap. Some heavy stuff in there, hope you don´t trample on the poor Juliet. You can trample on Jack x 2 instead, OK?

  • Elin says:

    Brilliant recap! :D Can’t wait for the 2nd part!

  • Tarkin says:

    Great recap! Part 2 will pwn!

  • w says:

    Ahaha, the Jackfaces are great.

    I cannot wait for your recap on the Sawyer/Jack brawl. It’s just destined for win. Like, Jacobified.

  • E,H, says:

    Oh. ACK. You kill me, you really do. This is one of your best EVAH. Hurry up with the next one, mami. I wait with bated breath. Srsly, i might die u know lol

    May I just say. Oh, Sayid, honey. I love you even with grouchy glasses. *Sob* I hope not wearing red saves you.

  • Angie says:

    Oh thanks, Rachel. I’ve been waiting for this. Hilarious! You do not disappoint. Looking forward to part 2.

    I am NOT, however, looking forward to the 9 month hiatus. Will have to read over old recaps.

    xxxoxoxoxo

  • Chillertheater says:

    OMG Ack!!! You are incredible, and this is the best recap EVER and it’s only half done! I taped the finale, and probably will watch it once more, but I’m reading this over and over and over! God love you, girl!

  • Pedro says:

    Ack, I want to plunder your booty.

  • rachelack says:

    @Pedro Ahhhhahahaha I actually LOL’ed when I read that.

  • Pedro says:

    Then my work here is done. s;dfkj;laskjdf

  • Carla says:

    You out did yourself!! Fantastic!!!

    and the final, “You shall NOT Pass”

    A LOTR reference… you are my hero!!!
    Cannot wait till Part 2.. see how you are going to handle Sawyer’s breakdown… I know it is going to be a toughy!!

  • Lauren M says:

    And these guys are like, “It’s my dick in a box!!!!”

    Oh. My. God. I love you so much for making a reference to Dick in a box. I cannot wait for part 2!

  • I heart Lost beards says:

    Awesomesauce!

    Part II? Don’t eff it up. We’re all counting on you.

    :-)

    Seriously. Don’t eff it up.

  • san says:

    v nice recap ack,
    you had me laughing once again,
    cant wait for part 2.

  • CParis says:

    So after taking a little butt-of-gun-induced nap, LaPenis wakes up

    I had forgotten that LaPenis had been whacked on the head in the previous episode, so I was trying to figure out if he was like Cleopatra and was getting carried around like royalty.

  • Aurora says:

    It’s been a while since you’ve had an enjoyable recap; the others were lackluster. But this one tickled the funny bone yet again.

    Keep up the good work

  • BarbaraJay says:

    I love the Hot Pocket of energy. I LOL every time I think of it.

  • Lisa says:

    “some crazy hobo” – OMG, I stopped breathing for a minute.

  • Matt says:

    Ah, the return of “lol episode title”. You’re some kind of internet superpower, Ack.

  • LostTeaParty says:

    Kate: Hey Sawyer, let’s flirt!
    Sawyer: Yeah, okay Freckles!
    Juliet: Seriously, guys? I’m sitting right here.

    Ha Ha – you know Sawyer was totaly picturing a 3-way with his two ladies!

    & loved when Jacob (and audience) figured out he was Jacob!

    and a great Sayid tribute: And Sayid totally choked a guy with his hanging-out intestines because he’s just THAT badass. !!! win !!!

    it’s going to be a long haitus, will be re-reading Ack for getting me through Lostus-interruptus

  • Heide says:

    i DON’T KNOW HOW i’M GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH!!!!!!

  • tbirdy says:

    to Carla re: “You shall not pass” being a LOTR reference.

    I was thinking Holy Grail reference. It works either way! :D

  • Anonymous says:

    “And then the Lost writers decided to poke us right in the Charlie-is-Still-Dead wound that was finally starting to heal!! ;___;”

    THAT WOUND WILL NEVER HEAL. EVER.

    (Looooove the recap, as always. :D)

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