Part III of the epic three part Lost Finale recap!
Click to read Part I
Click to read Part II
“Hey Doc, you know where I could get some grub and/or make out with your ex-wife around here?”
Sawyer’s Apollo Bar gets stuck in the vending machine, and it’s only a matter of moments before a certain Leggy Blond we know comes to swap sarcastic comments with him!
Juliet: You know, if you unplug the vending machine the candy will just drop the to bottom.
Sawyer: Is that so? Or do you just want to get me in the dark?
So he unplugs the thing, and the candy falls down, and as soon as they touch they both flash!!!
Ack: They both remembered those 5 scenes they were in together last year that apparently was enough to convince half the audience that they were a happy couple and that all those years of character development between them and Kate and Jack was over in a matter of one episode!
Audience: Hey! Stop being so bitter!
Ack: I CAN’T HELP IT, I’M SORRY. ;_;
Conveniently they didn’t have enough scenes together to have any bad stuff to remember, except that time Juliet fell to her death, although she wasn’t a bad guy.
And even though I hate Sawyer and Juliet together almost as much as Jack and Kate together, that moment when they both remembered Juliet falling and they both stepped back a bit was really sad!
You know what guys, let’s all just be happy that they are happy, no matter who it is that is making them happy, okay? Okay. So they made their plans to get coffee and go Dutch and everything was hunky dory.
***
Back in the Sideways World, Jack finally shows up to the concert way after it’s over. Kate comes strolling up to him in porn star heels that only a man would have bought for a woman (nice, Desmond), and she wants to chat.
Jack: Do I know you?
Kate: You mean, like, in the biblical sense?
Jack: Did you steal my pen?
Kate: Is that a euphemism?
Jack: You mean like getting caught in a net?
Even though Kate grabbed his noggin and he started to have island flashes again, Jack repressed them AGAIN! Kate knew that the only way she’d get him to understand was to bring it all back to the beginning. Jack had to go see his daddy.
Grab your life jackets, people. The Jearstorm’s coming, and I can already see it starting to Jearizzle.
***
Hurley: You going down there is suicide, dude! The island needs you!
Jack: No, the island needs you, Hurley! I was only a temp hired to finish this project, you’re obviously the permanent Island Team Player!
Jack managed to convince Hurley to drink the magical potion and become the island guardian, even though Hurley’s puppy dog face made it super hard. Good thing Jack had just done this like 12 hours ago, he remembered exactly what to do!
Of course Ben is standing there, mumbling something about how he could have been a contender, but he gives Jack the dirty bottle to fill with dirty water to give Hurley magical powers and/or dysentery.
Even I’ll admit Jack was being really brave, although it’s too bad those tears of his didn’t have healing powers ala a phoenix because he’d have been in ship shape in no time!
Anyway, Ben and Hurley lower Jack into the bottom of Mount Doom (I mean, one does not simply walk into Mordor), and he finds Desmond laying there, screaming about how he’s not even supposed to BE here today!
Then in some kind of crazy hat-trick Jack does 3 likable things all at once! He tells Desmond to go home and be with his wife and son, he makes a funny about finally be right for once, and then he says, “I’ll see you in another life, brother,” which sounds really lame, but at this point we all just want to hug the guy!
***
And then Sawyer and Kate finally get to the other island, and they can hear the plane montage coming to an end, but this crazy bitch Claire is still sitting there being all pouty and wigging out!
Claire: I don’t know how to be a mother! Jack finally stopped whining, so as his sister I have to take up that duty!
Kate: Claire! For chrissakes! Your coochie is my Constant, will you please just get your tiny ass in gear!? Build yourself a bridge and get the fuck over it!
Claire: Oh, alright!
So FINALLY, they all start running for the plane, and luckily Frank, Richard, and Miles had all just faded out of the montage with enough time to notice these tiny little specs running towards them!
And thanks to that runway Kate and Sawyer helped the Others build, the plane took off, the music swelled, and the happy violins of freedom played our Losties off this goddamn island once and for all!!!!!!!
*slow clap*
***
Jack’s apparently built like a brick shithouse because despite having his head bashed in with a rock, being stabbed in the side, and falling down the waterfall, he still has it in him to stick the rock back into the fiendish thingy!!!!
And after a dramatic pause, all his Jears started filling up the pool again, and Jack made the most hilarious face of all time, and we were all like, “CONGRATUWELLDONE, JACK. YOU FINALLY GOT TO BE THE HERO YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE!”
*continuing the slow clap*
Desmond got hauled back up to the top, and even though we were all happy our sexy Scot made it through this ordeal, Hurley and Ben wanted to know what the hell happened to Jack!
And so did we, come to think of it – the last time a guy fell into that light he become a pissed off pillar of smoke! Would Jack just become one giant floating Jear cloud or what!?
***
So back at the church where even Jesus is like “OMGWTF!?” it seems like people are gathering!
Locke: Hello, Benjamin.
Ben: Hello, John.
Locke: Are you coming inside?
Ben: I think I have some more things I need to work out first.
Locke: So you killed me, so what? I forgive you.
Ben: So what? Sew buttons! I don’t deserve what lies inside those doors yet, friend.
Locke: Well I guess fate has a “You broke it, you bought it” kind of policy.
And that’s when Locke is healed-ah by the power-ah of the Lord-ah. Or something like that.
Although he wouldn’t have even tried to walk without our little Benry, so it looks like he is getting better after all.
***
“So if I’m the new island Santa Clause, do you want to be my Head Elf? I know Jacob was kind of a douche to you, but I could use someone with experience.”
Ben: It would be an honor, o captain my captain. How about we start by helping Desmond go home?
Hurley: But no one can leave the island, how can we do that?
Ben: Oh, that’s just how Jacob ran things. Like you said, he was kind of a douche. You can run this chocolate factory however you want, Charlie, Hugo.
Remember that time Hurley and Ben shared a candy bar by the cabin? Well now they’re gonna share the island in an equally adorable way.
So Hurley became the best guardian the island ever had. I’d like to think he helped Desmond get home, flew Carmen and Cheech there for luaus, let the surviving Losties come and go over the years whenever they’d like, and helped all those trapped ghosts move on.
I mean, if anyone deserves to live a few thousand years and help people, I think it’s Hugo. <3
***
Hurley: You coming in, dude?
Ben: No, I don’t think so. Not yet.
Hurley: Okay. You know…you were a real good #2.
Audience: lolz
Ben: And you were a great #1, Hugo.
Audience: …lolz.
“This is where I was going to have my father’s funeral. Why are we here?”
“I’ll be waiting inside once you’re ready to leave. You’ll find your black sweat suit, purple shroud, and Nikes right inside the door. I’m sure the Kool-Aid is mixed up by now. See ya.”
And so while Jack sat there trying to make sense out of things, Kate went inside to change into something a little more comfortable less slutty.
***
Jack woke up in the same exact spot Jacob found Smokey’s body, but instead of turning into a cloud, Jack was still human! And alive! Barely!
Most people would have probably just stayed there and died, but Jack Shephard is apparently 2 Legit 2 Quit!
***
He goes into the back room of the church where his father’s body is, and we’re all kind of wondering, “WTF kind of hippie church is this, with the crosses and Stars of David and the Yin and Yang and – is that a frozen donkey wheel!?”
As this is like, the CULMINATION OF EVERYTHING, and since Daddy Jearbucks is involved, Jack performs the patented Shephard Head Squeeze®!
So he puts his hand down on the coffin and FINALLY FINALLY JACK REMEMBERS!!!!!!!
He remembers crashing on the island and saving the shit out of people all the time! He remembers Kate and saving even more people! The Lost producers must have had a really hard time trying to find that many clips of Jack actually smiling!
Conveniently Jack doesn’t remember making every huge mistake known to man, or becoming a bearded drug addict, or being a self righteous, bossy, whiny, arrogant ass to 95% of the people he came into contact with, but IT DOESN’T MATTER! You know why?
Because – BRACE YOURSELVES – JACK HAS REDEEMED HIMSELF. Shock! Horror! Etc! I mean, dude saved the world you guys. Cut him a break. ;D
SO ANYWAY, Jack finally opens the coffin and – GASP! There is no one inside! OMGWTFPOLARBEAR!?!?!?! A’S;LFK’A;SLDKF’;LKADSL;’AFKDLS;
Christian: Hey, kiddo.
Jack: DAD?
Audience: CHRISTIAN!?
Jack: I don’t understand…you DIED!
Audience: YEAH, YOU DIED!!!!!
Jack: How are you here?
Christian: How are you here?
“Uh….because…the Force is strong in my family. My father has it…I have it…and my sister has it.”
“Well…close enough. I’m dead, but you’re dead too, Jack. We all are.”
JEARSIUS MAXIMUS!!!!!! ;___________________;
Jack: Are you real?
Christian: Of course I’m real! Everything that’s happened to you is real!
Jack: They’re all dead too?
Christian: Everybody dies sometime, some before you and some waaaay after you!
Christian explains that there is no “now” where they are – they all made this place together so they could find one another. The time they spent on that island was the most important part of their lives!
And that’s when the audience started freaking out as hard as Jack! It turns out none of them could “move on” without one another because they needed each other to remember! Because no one does it alone!
JEARS IN HEAVEN ;_;
“Wunderbar! Now quit acting like a pussy and go say hi to all your little friends out there.”
So Jack finally steps out into the sanctuary and he finds all his Oceanic 815 buddies there! This is either Heaven or the most attractive AA meeting ever!
Sayid doesn’t care that Nadia’s not there, and Boone’s not mad that Shannon’s looking longingly into Sayid’s eyes!
Locke’s girlfriend Helen is nowhere to be found, but he doesn’t mind because he could totally break dance his way into heaven now that his legs are fixed!
But in case you thought that JUST MAYBE Damon and Carlton would leave us with a Super Mega Happy Ending, you were WRONG! Because Lost has always been about good AND bad, the happy AND the sad, black AND white, and of course life AND death.
What better way to end the series than one of those magical music montages in which you remember just how much you love the show?
WE WILL MISS YOU, DESMOND AND PENNEH! :(
WE WILL MISS YOU, CHARLIE AND AARON AND SHANNON AND CLAIRE AND SUN! :(
WE WILL MISS YOU, JIN, AND LIBBY, AND HURLEY! :(
…and meanwhile Jack is making his way back to the beginning…
WE WILL REALLY MISS YOU, SAWYER!!!!!! ;_;
WE WILL MISS YOU, KATE! :(
…to have the story end where the story began…
And then everyone sat down together with their significant others on the pews except for Locke and Boone but whatever…
And even though they’re all really happy to finally be together again, and to be moving on with the people that meant so much to them, we can’t help but get all Jearsy about it ;_____;
And as if we weren’t already crying hard enough, VINCENT HAS TO COME AND LAY DOWN NEXT TO JACK because Vincent was there the moment Jack woke up after the crash…
And Christian Shephard finally lives up to his ridiculously ~*symbolic*~ name by opening the doors and letting in that magic sparkly light that lives inside every one of us and also in the island’s hoo-ha…
AND THEY’RE ALL SO HAPPY BECAUSE THEY’RE FINALLY TOGETHER, EVEN THOUGH WE’RE ALL SO SAD… D:
AND JACK IS LAYING THERE ON THE GROUND WITH VINCENT, HERE AT THE END OF ALL THINGS, AND WE’RE ALL LIKE, “THAT’LL DO, PIG. THAT’LL DO…”
AND AS IF THAT WEREN’T BAD ENOUGH THE FRIGGING PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD JUST LIKE IN THE PILOT BUT IN ONE PIECE, SO WE KNOW FRANK WILL GET THEM HOME SAFE AND SOUND…
AND JACK REALIZES THAT HE ACTUALLY WAS RIGHT THIS TIME…
AND THE BRIGHT LIGHT FILLS THE CHURCH AND WE KNOW ALL OUR LOSTIES WILL REST IN PEACE…
…and Jack closes his eye and dies, the final shot of the entire series one final Jear quivering on the edge of his lashes.
Super Crazy Lost Fans: SO SIDEWAYS WORLD WAS PURGATORY!!!!!!! AGHHHH!!!!!;LA’;LSKDF;’LAKSDF;LASD
Your Everyday Lost Fans: So the Sideways World was purgatory! Neat!
The n00b Lost fans: OMG I WAS RIGHT, THE ISLAND WAS PURGATORY, YOU GUYS!!!!!
Super Crazy Lost Fans: *head desk*
THE END!!!!!!!!!
***
On a personal note, I’d like to thank each and every one of you who has come to read my recaps every week for the last 4 years. These recaps started as a joke, and I never EVER had any idea that they’d become such a phenomenon. I will always look back on my time as a crazed Lost fangirl with love, and a lot of that has to do with you guys. My readers…are the best readers…of all the readers. Writing these recaps has been a challenge to say the least, but all the love I receive in return for them always made it totally worthwhile. I’m so happy I could make you guys laugh week after week. I may recap a new show, I may not…but you should all know that for me, YOU MADE LOST WORTH LIVING! :D
The Ack Attack isn’t going anywhere, so please stop by and visit!
You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.
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Check out my JEARS MERCHANDISE!!!!!!!!! You know you want to! ;_;
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What everyone else said goes double for me. :)
“Then in some kind of crazy hat-trick Jack does 3 likable things all at once! He tells Desmond to go home and be with his wife and son, he makes a funny about finally be right for once, and then he says, “I’ll see you in another life, brother,†which sounds really lame, but at this point we all just want to hug the guy!”
THIS!! Yes! I was a total Jack hater and wanted to punch him in his smug little Jack face for 6 1/2 seasons, but he totally redeemed himself!
I even said about 5 minutes before the last scene, “If the show ends with a close up of Jack’s eye closing, I’m gonna hit someone.” But then Vincent came, and I was all teary, er, Gweary, and it was all okay. And I loved it.
Thanks for being awesome!
I will miss these recaps as much as the show. :(
Thank you!
Love the Ack attitude more than anything.
You led us on with a nice sentimental scene with Christian “… opening the doors and letting in that magic sparkly light that lives inside every one of us” then added “and also in the island’s hoo-ha …” Ba-da-boom !!
Whatever writing you continue to do … and you must continue … you need to keep that irreverant attitude.
Adding my thanks for all your effort over the years in creating such an entertaining way to enjoy Lost. Thanks for keeping it Light.
EPIC. ACK. IS. EPIC.
May the Island’s golden glowy source be with you forever :) A farewell gift for Rachel from the men of LOST:
Sawyer sends a sunflower, a nickname, the Skate waterfall & Skate in a cage
Jack: some happy Jears, flashback wigs, the Jeard and Jackfaces
Des: a 1/2 buttoned blue shirt, a drink or two & timetravel to your recaps
Sayid: a torcha scrunchie, pwntacular tank tops & a kickass dishwasher
Jin: a Jinglish dictionary, a white flower and udders
Charlie: some peanut butter, good vibrations & his DS ring
John: some faith, his moobs of steal & a little bit o’smokey in a box
Ben: his bunry, a swingset, a jaunty hat and a delicious baked ham
Richard: his manscara, island torches and extensive blue shirt collection
Boone: some pens, an inhaler and his gorgeous baby blues
Bernard: his loyalty, and some wood
Eko: his Jesus stick, Yemi’s cross and a huge …machete
Daniel: some equations to ponder, his journal & skinny tie
Frank: his pilot cap, a roll of duct tape and a cow
Miles: a ghostbusting diamond find & a fish taco
Pierre: a polar bear book, & his VHS collection
Michael: some C-4, his drawings & love for WWAAAAAALLLTTT
Walt: his smile, his mad ‘special’ skills & game-winning mojo
Widmore: his horse, his stash of MacCutcheon and the Black Rock journal
Mr. Paik: controlling shares of Paik industries & your dream job
Arzt: a dy-no-mite! future and a really cool neckerchief
Karl: his glasses from room 23 and a constellation named after you
Patchy: a state-of-the-art communications station, & his iconic patch
Jacob: a really great bottle of malevolence-free wine & his summer whites
MIB: his resourcefulness, tenacity, frozen donkey wheel & senet game
Dogen: a baseball, an herbal garden, & a giant Ankh with your name inside
Lennon: rosetta stone software, your own lapdog & iced-tea jacuzzi
Mr. Friendly: his hottie off-island boy-toy and a football
Radzinsky: the blast door map and a Dharma brownie
Aaron: some turnips and a his ‘catch a falling star’ mobile
Thomas: 108 Island themed paintings
……………..
& from Hurley, the biggest of all Hurley Hugs to get LOST in forever dude!
dont know what else to say that hasn’t already been said!
Thank you soooo much for all your hard work and for making lost more than just a tv show !
will continue to follow your site as you are so talented and I wish you luck in the future!
Best recaps ever Rachel! I’m going to miss Lost even more because I won’t have your awesome recaps to look forward to each week. Thanks for the invention of jears also!
LOL, I had almost the same exact reaction as the girls in that video.
I’d like to take this time to offcially retract any mean thing I may have said about Jack Shephard because despite what he may have done, he saved everyone in the end and had one of the freaking saddest deaths I’ve ever seen on television. He may have just taken my number 1 spot in Losts Saddest deaths.
Ack, you are absolutley amazing and awesome. Reading your Lost recaps these last four years has been an absolute treat and I thank you for all of them. If I was ever down all I needed to do was look at one of them and I would burst into laughter. I will miss these as much as the actual show. Thanks for the wonderful memories and I bow to you.
Thanks Lost for six amazing years, the ride has been one I will never forget and life will be dull without you. I’ve got to stop before I actually start jearing but peace out everyone.
A friend turned me on to your site at 6X4. Have not missed a recap and your fans’ comments since.
Now I am off to read all the rest….
Many thanks.
Awwww the end of this recap totally made me cry… We will miss them ALL so much.
And we will miss your fantastic recaps each weekend and the insanity of ongoing LOST posts. You are amazing and I’m in awe of what you’ve managed to accomplish here. I can’t wait to see what you do with this site next!
It’s the end of my internet as I know it. :( This really is the finale to the finale and it’s really over. Thank YOU for giving me something to laugh at and look forward to after many “WTF?” episode endings.
Thanks for the laughs Ack. :)
Discovered your blog from a random link in the lostpedia forums, right around your Substitute recap. You had me at “Don’t tell me what I can’t shampoo”. :D
Keep up the good work, cause whatever series you’ll decide to recap I might watch just to be able to get the jokes! :)
DAMMIT ACK YOU’VE MADE ME SAD ALL OVER AGAIN. ;_;
But actually the recap was epic, and I loved it. I’ve loved every one, and I’ll miss them dearly. Not only did you make me laugh every week, you helped me understand the show so much better, because you pointed out a million things that I never even picked up on.
In short, you are the shiznit, lady. :D
Bravo, bravo, [standing ovation]
If you could see me now I’d be giving you a standing ovation. Thank you for loving LOST as much as allll its good fans did…and continue to do so.
Oh and I saw that tip of the hat to from HELP: George Harrison’s “fiendish thingy”.
So much to say but you beat us all to it the best.
Great recap!
Thank you so much for writing these recaps through the years, I’m gonna miss them so much!
Thank you so very much for devoting your free time to writing these re-caps. I’m going to miss them more than Lost itself. Now go rest, because after this epic undertaking, your brain must be frazzled. Thanks again, Ack.
“Super Crazy Lost Fans: SO SIDEWAYS WORLD WAS PURGATORY!!!!!!! AGHHHH!!!!!;LA’;LSKDF;’LAKSDF;LASD
Your Everyday Lost Fans: So the Sideways World was purgatory! Neat!
The n00b Lost fans: OMG I WAS RIGHT, THE ISLAND WAS PURGATORY, YOU GUYS!!!!!
Super Crazy Lost Fans: *head desk*”
Haha. I was wondering if you’d do the lost fan thing for this. You had to! Excellent finish.
I am so jealous of Zeecube, who is about to read all your recaps for the first time. I’ve enjoyed every one, and applaud your wit, your genius and your vast knowledge of pop culture. We will miss these recaps so much.
We knew Jack was GONNA HAFTA DYYEEEEE but who guessed it would be so moving? Vincent had me in tears for jears.
Ack, pleeeeez gift us with another show’s recaps if you can spare the time. It has been a great run, and I wish you all the best in the future.
Brava, indeed.
PS LostTeaParty, you had me laughing too. What about Frogurt? :-)
As someone said above, I am giving you a standing ovation right now. I have enjoyed thes recaps for years. Even when episodes sucked, the recaps rocked. Your funny, smart humor set the gold standard. I will keep coming to the page and I hope you’ll keep making us laugh. thank you thank you thank you!!!!!
:'( love you ack!!!
Oh, I’m bawling right now. Like someone else said in the comments, this epic recap makes Lost final for me. Here’s what made me laugh:
PART I
“Desmond: Look Kate, don’t get catty just because you’re like the only character on this show without symbolic name, okay?”
“Back in the jungle, Jack is standing in the river of Jears he has produced over 6 seasons, practicing his God voice.
‘And Jack said LET THERE BE LIGHT! No, no…ahem…THE LORD IS MY JACK SHEPHARD, I SHALL NOT WANT. Hmmm. I like that.'”
“[Charlie] was being amazingly douchey for someone who had like…one hit song. I wonder if the bassist from Marcy Playground was such a dick.”
“Rose: This why we stay out of this, dammit. Save the drama for your mama, Locke!
Smokey: Talk to the hand cause the face don’t want to hear it!
Rose: VINCENT, HOLD MY WEAVE!
Bernard: OH SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL.”
“that Iraqi dude with the Soul Glo”
Locke and Jack smiling at each other, over and over and over. YAY!
“I’m LaPenis. I’m your fire, and your desire.â€
The 40-Year-Old Virgin reference.
The “Dude, Where’s My Car? reference.
“Look, Claire. Leave-in conditioner, some exfoliating cleanser, and a little lip gloss can go a long way. I’m Bringing Sexy Back, one castaway at a time.â€
Austin Powers reference.
PART II
“Things went from sparkly like a Twilight vampire to Mount Doom in a matter of seconds, and in that moment Jack knew.
He had to come at Smokey like a mighty bazooka!!!!!
‘GERONIMOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (JACKSON!)'”
“Smokey and Jack were both right! The island may be sinking, but Smokey can be killed!
This means two things: a) my Jears-sense is tingling and b) it is motherfucking GO TIME.”
“We wouldn’t realize this until the end, but after all that, Eloise wasn’t some creepy psychic! She just wanted to be with her son! That’s why her hair was so big, it was full of secrets!”
“O Fortuna” for the muthafucking win!!!
“[Sawyer] doesn’t know who they are, or that he’s the one who helped Jin learn to say that those pants didn’t make Sun look fat.”
LMAO at the montage.
Ahahaha
“Lost Writers: Bet ya didn’t see that one coming!
Jaters: WEEEEE ARE THE CHAMMPIONS, MY FRIIIIIENDSSSS
Skaters: Jate?????? IS FATE??????? JATE!???????????? IS FATE!???????
Jaters: AND WEEEEEEEE’LL KEEP ON FIGHTINGGGGGG TILLL THE EEEEEEENDDDDD
Skaters: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! *projectile vomiting*
Jaters: NOOOO TIME FOR LOOOOSERS CAUSE WE ARE THE CHAMPIIOOOONNSSSS
Skaters: WHYYYYYYYYYY????? *taking Silkwood showers*”
“Skate may not be Fate after all, but to me, they’ll always be the island’s Sid and Nancy. *wails on air guitar*”
PART III
“Ack: They both remembered those 5 scenes they were in together last year that apparently was enough to convince half the audience that they were a happy couple and that all those years of character development between them and Kate and Jack was over in a matter of one episode!
Audience: Hey! Stop being so bitter!
Ack: I CAN’T HELP IT, I’M SORRY. ;_;”
“Grab your life jackets, people. The Jearstorm’s coming, and I can already see it starting to Jearizzle.”
“Even I’ll admit Jack was being really brave, although it’s too bad those tears of his didn’t have healing powers ala a phoenix because he’d have been in ship shape in no time!” I know, right? He’d be as good as new!
LotR and Clerks reference in one sentence!!!
“And then Sawyer and Kate finally get to the other island, and they can hear the plane montage coming to an end”
“Kate: Claire! For chrissakes! Your coochie is my Constant, will you please just get your tiny ass in gear!? ”
The glowy pool totally filled up with Jears.
“So back at the church where even Jesus is like “OMGWTF!?†it seems like people are gathering!”
Dead Poets Society!
Awwww ;_;
“So Hurley became the best guardian the island ever had. I’d like to think he helped Desmond get home, flew Carmen and Cheech there for luaus, let the surviving Losties come and go over the years whenever they’d like, and helped all those trapped ghosts move on.
I mean, if anyone deserves to live a few thousand years and help people, I think it’s Hugo. <3 "
"Jack Shephard is apparently 2 Legit 2 Quit!"
"As this is like, the CULMINATION OF EVERYTHING, and since Daddy Jearbucks is involved, Jack performs the patented Shephard Head Squeeze®!"
"JEARSIUS MAXIMUS!!!!!! ;___________________;"
Eric Clapton!
"JEARS IN HEAVEN ;_;
'Wunderbar! Now quit acting like a pussy and go say hi to all your little friends out there.'
"And as if we weren’t already crying hard enough, VINCENT HAS TO COME AND LAY DOWN NEXT TO JACK because Vincent was there the moment Jack woke up after the crash…" I KNOW RIGHT?
"that magic sparkly light that lives inside every one of us and also in the island’s hoo-ha…"
"AND JACK IS LAYING THERE ON THE GROUND WITH VINCENT, HERE AT THE END OF ALL THINGS, AND WE’RE ALL LIKE, 'THAT’LL DO, PIG. THAT’LL DO…' D****:
MOST PERFECT RECAP END, EVAR!
"Super Crazy Lost Fans: SO SIDEWAYS WORLD WAS PURGATORY!!!!!!! AGHHHH!!!!!;LA’;LSKDF;’LAKSDF;LASD
Your Everyday Lost Fans: So the Sideways World was purgatory! Neat!
The n00b Lost fans: OMG I WAS RIGHT, THE ISLAND WAS PURGATORY, YOU GUYS!!!!!
Super Crazy Lost Fans: *head desk*"
You put a lot of work into these recaps, but don't ever think it wasn't worth it, kid. We loved them SO MUCH!
Thank you so much – you brought so much to this experience that is LOST. And for being a fangirl who gets it, but doesn’t take it too seriously, but just seriously enough. And you had me JS-Jearsing (doesn’t really work, does it) through the “remember”s and the end. You are a true talent. I will follow you. Other stuff that lets you know how awesome you are.
*Benry head nod*
@Chillertheater thanks!
*face palm* I knew I’d forget someone, and there are probably ‘other’s’ too
– ok from
Neil ‘Frogurt’: his red shirt, flaming arrows & your own frozen yogurt chain
Phil: his Dharma jumpsuit, & the rope that LaFleur used to tie him up…
*SOB* WE WILL MISS YOU, ACK/LOST=OTP!!!!1!!1!!
I cried over the finale, and now I cried over this RECAP.
Way to go out on a high note, you. *wipes endless jears*
Just BEAUTIFUL.
*wants to comment more, but can’t because of jears*
i kinda still think that the sideways isn’t purgatory but the island :o sideways seems kind of limbo-ey, which is the place where people go who were born before jesus so jesus christ, the CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD, has to come and open the door to the light!
purgatory is a place where not flawless but kind of ok men go until they get better and can go on. so, for michael and other whisperers, the island is purgatory, isn’t it?
i can’t add anything else, the recap was the awesome! loved to read the fighting scene with the music as i always like to put on the music you recomend for the recaps. richard giving claire styling advise is ADORABLE!
you have to move on too, ack :o
I have been reading your recaps since I think season 5, one night when I was in Mexico City for work, bored at night and wanted to sleep, I stumbled upon your site and started reading your old recaps – although, rather than helping me get to sleep, I ended up staying up for hours because I wanted to read them all! And I’ve been booked ever since.
This is my first comment, but I just wanted to say thank you for the wonderful and hilarious writing. Thank you for being a smart, funny woman who proves that humour can be intelligent and doesn’t have to be racist/sexist/etc and is still absolutely hilarious. Thank you for demonstrating how we can engage with our pop culture in a thoughtful and useful manner. Thank you for the screen caps of all the sexy men and women of lost. Thank you for the laughs and jears and hours not wasted!
@ mila: I get your definition of “purgatory” but the real issue is that they were all dead in sideways and on the island they were never dead,it was all real. “
Thanks Ack for all the laughs – you are clearly an incredibly creative, insightful and witty person, with a great memory for TV quotes/cultural references in general, and from your comments you seem to be a really warm person as well. You have been committed to getting these huuuge recaps done for us regularly and they have always been of top notch quality and hilarity.
So let’s get this into perspective. This is not some of your friends saying ‘Oh yeah, she’s really funny and clever, we love her…’, this is a huge amount of strangers taking time out from their own lives to read your work, saying that they enjoy your recaps as much as, or even MORE than what we can all agree is the greatest TV show ever made. See? Your stuff is as good or even BETTER than Lost itself! You should be damn proud, girl!
I can’t remember how I happened across the Ack Attack, it was so long ago now, but son of a BITCH I’m glad I did. Oh, and I’ve cried more in the last week than I have in years thanks to Lost and this recap set me off again. Most were tears of laughter, but not all! You’re a big softie with a good streak of cynicism, that’s what you are ; )
Ack, you’re the best
XXX
I still can’t bring myself to accept that it’s over. I’m a sixteen year old girl that’s been watching this show since i was ten. At ten years old this show changed my life, i went through six years of being made fun of because of my obsessive nature. On Tuesday out of habit i went and turned on ABC and saw that there was no new LOST. I miss it, so so so much.
My dog died on Saturday, so this weekend has been awful. (Although, I’m not going to lie, I am now picturing a sideways world in which he will be waiting for me.) But your recap made me laugh out loud over and over again. I really needed those laughs, badly, so THANK YOU!
Your Recaps have been a very enjoyable part of my little Lost routine – especially this year, since I’d get to see the episode on the Saturday, then look forward to reading your recap on Monday morning. They’ve made me laugh like a drain & often made me notice things I hadn’t done on viewing. It’s been like rewatching each episode with the best DVD Commentary ever.
Thanks for all the fun!
I should tell you that I’m more sad about the Lost recaps being over than the actual show.
I rarely (ever?) commented, but looked forward to your recaps every week this season, ever since I watched seasons 1-5 in 9 days last spring. eep.
YOU ROCK, ACK.
jewel:
oooh. OH! people think jack and the others were dead…ok. i get it :D
While I had jears and snotty gasping for breath sobfest, I thought of you and how happy I would be to read the recap.
Best.
Recapper.
Eva.
Beautiful. This made me tear up again. Great job, Ack.
VERY.SLOW.CLAP. Holy crap, Holy crap, Holy crap. The Holy Mother of all recaps. Brilliant…fantastic…mind-blowing…phenomenal…amazing…colossal…incredible… there are not enough words. It’s been said so many times already, but THANK YOU!! All the time you have spent doing these recaps and the genius works of art(z) they are have been so much appreciated. You are amazing!!!
Loved your wonderful humour and brilliant ideas for years now, Ack. Losing Lost and your recaps simultaneously doubles my sorrow.
When I think of Lost I think of Jack in court telling the judge “Jate is fate, your honor”. Gold.
If you ever come to Melbourne, Australia you have someone to show you around.
Cheers and thanks again! @seahawkeye
Thanks for making me laugh so hard that I shed some jears! You are awesome and I will miss your recaps!!
OMG Ack. You’re the best, and this (I-III) is the best recap ever. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please keep writing about anything… something… everything! You’re a national treasure and you’d be sorely missed if you stopped writing. At this point I would read your grocery lists with great anticipation and a big smile.
The one moment of the finale that reminded me that I was watching a TV show [all the other moments had me enthralled] was when Mocke, having stabbed Jack, pulled the knife out — and the sound editors added a little metallic “Zing!” sound. Knives don’t go “Zing!” unless they’re scraping against something made of metal, but sound editors keep adding that sound whenever they see a knife on screen. Sometimes in horror movies knives go “Zing!” when the bad guy waves them in the air. Or maybe Jack’s liver is made of steel, which would explain why he recovered so well from his alcoholic phase.
Add me to the standing o section. Realized today when I thought “hooray, new recap should be up!” immediately followed by “oh noes . . .last one” I still can’t really process the finale – there is a proposal being discussed around our house to fire up Season one and start all over again, now that we know what to fixate on and what to ignore. Knowing that all the recaps are archived makes that prospect even sweeter.
Whatever happens, I’ll surely stay tuned to Ack Attack. You have produced absolutely the smartest, funniest stuff I’ve read in a very long time, if ever. Just genius.
A thousand thanks –
Since the recaps have been such an important part of our LOST experience, does that mean, we will meet at the “church” on our last day when we will finally remember?
LOL
http://spicedogs.livejournal.com
Fucking awesome. I lost track of the number of times I LOL’ed uncontrollably. I will miss these recaps more than the show itself.
Super Crazy Lost Fan *head desk* That was me. Brilliant. Just perfect.
Aw, Ack, I don’t even know what to say. I have enjoyed your recaps so very much. They keep me laughing for days. Some lines remain stuck in my brain and still crack me up. Jack’s eulogy for his dad, ‘It’s not possible for me to stick my head any further up my own ass. Amen.’ The way you described Desmond dressed incognito as ‘wandering into porn director territory.’ ‘Oceanic passenger Jack Shepard, you are a douche. That’s all.’ Really, those lines will never leave me. Moobs. Jears. Out like a fat kid in dodgeball. They’ve made me laugh over and over. Thank you so very, very much.
Oh my god…now I want a t-shirt that says “Claire’s coochie is my constant”. Hehehehehe.
I have LOVED every recap you have written and I will miss them almost as much as I will miss Lost itself. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE write some recaps for another show!!
Oh my God thank you so much for this. THANK YOU. These recaps have just been amazing, but you really outdid yourself. Beautiful job. Really. An excellent way to honor a good show that deserves all the love, jokes, and hate it’s gotten over the years. Thank you.
Is that a Babe reference I spot when Vincent goes and lies down next to Jack? HAHAHA.
Ack, these have been AMAZING. Back in 2009, when I got into Lost again, I used to say your recaps were better than the series itself, but hell, I LOVE BOTH THIS SHOW AND THE RECAPS SFM. God, I’m still mourning.
Thanks for the laughs, the brilliant times I’ve had and the effort you’ve put in these recaps. It’s been such a fun ride and your Lost stuff has definitely been a part of it.
*slow clap*
Thank you!