Part III of the epic three part Lost Finale recap!

Click to read Part I
Click to read Part II

“Hey Doc, you know where I could get some grub and/or make out with your ex-wife around here?”

Sawyer’s Apollo Bar gets stuck in the vending machine, and it’s only a matter of moments before a certain Leggy Blond we know comes to swap sarcastic comments with him!

Juliet: You know, if you unplug the vending machine the candy will just drop the to bottom.
Sawyer: Is that so? Or do you just want to get me in the dark?

So he unplugs the thing, and the candy falls down, and as soon as they touch they both flash!!!

Ack: They both remembered those 5 scenes they were in together last year that apparently was enough to convince half the audience that they were a happy couple and that all those years of character development between them and Kate and Jack was over in a matter of one episode!
Audience: Hey! Stop being so bitter!
Ack: I CAN’T HELP IT, I’M SORRY. ;_;

Conveniently they didn’t have enough scenes together to have any bad stuff to remember, except that time Juliet fell to her death, although she wasn’t a bad guy.

And even though I hate Sawyer and Juliet together almost as much as Jack and Kate together, that moment when they both remembered Juliet falling and they both stepped back a bit was really sad!

You know what guys, let’s all just be happy that they are happy, no matter who it is that is making them happy, okay? Okay. So they made their plans to get coffee and go Dutch and everything was hunky dory.

***

Back in the Sideways World, Jack finally shows up to the concert way after it’s over. Kate comes strolling up to him in porn star heels that only a man would have bought for a woman (nice, Desmond), and she wants to chat.

Jack: Do I know you?
Kate: You mean, like, in the biblical sense?
Jack: Did you steal my pen?
Kate: Is that a euphemism?
Jack: You mean like getting caught in a net?

Even though Kate grabbed his noggin and he started to have island flashes again, Jack repressed them AGAIN! Kate knew that the only way she’d get him to understand was to bring it all back to the beginning. Jack had to go see his daddy.

Grab your life jackets, people. The Jearstorm’s coming, and I can already see it starting to Jearizzle.

***

Hurley: You going down there is suicide, dude! The island needs you!
Jack: No, the island needs you, Hurley! I was only a temp hired to finish this project, you’re obviously the permanent Island Team Player!

Jack managed to convince Hurley to drink the magical potion and become the island guardian, even though Hurley’s puppy dog face made it super hard. Good thing Jack had just done this like 12 hours ago, he remembered exactly what to do!

Of course Ben is standing there, mumbling something about how he could have been a contender, but he gives Jack the dirty bottle to fill with dirty water to give Hurley magical powers and/or dysentery.

Even I’ll admit Jack was being really brave, although it’s too bad those tears of his didn’t have healing powers ala a phoenix because he’d have been in ship shape in no time!

Anyway, Ben and Hurley lower Jack into the bottom of Mount Doom (I mean, one does not simply walk into Mordor), and he finds Desmond laying there, screaming about how he’s not even supposed to BE here today!

Then in some kind of crazy hat-trick Jack does 3 likable things all at once! He tells Desmond to go home and be with his wife and son, he makes a funny about finally be right for once, and then he says, “I’ll see you in another life, brother,” which sounds really lame, but at this point we all just want to hug the guy!

***

And then Sawyer and Kate finally get to the other island, and they can hear the plane montage coming to an end, but this crazy bitch Claire is still sitting there being all pouty and wigging out!

Claire: I don’t know how to be a mother! Jack finally stopped whining, so as his sister I have to take up that duty!
Kate: Claire! For chrissakes! Your coochie is my Constant, will you please just get your tiny ass in gear!? Build yourself a bridge and get the fuck over it!
Claire: Oh, alright!

So FINALLY, they all start running for the plane, and luckily Frank, Richard, and Miles had all just faded out of the montage with enough time to notice these tiny little specs running towards them!

And thanks to that runway Kate and Sawyer helped the Others build, the plane took off, the music swelled, and the happy violins of freedom played our Losties off this goddamn island once and for all!!!!!!!

*slow clap*

***

Jack’s apparently built like a brick shithouse because despite having his head bashed in with a rock, being stabbed in the side, and falling down the waterfall, he still has it in him to stick the rock back into the fiendish thingy!!!!

And after a dramatic pause, all his Jears started filling up the pool again, and Jack made the most hilarious face of all time, and we were all like, “CONGRATUWELLDONE, JACK. YOU FINALLY GOT TO BE THE HERO YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE!”

*continuing the slow clap*

Desmond got hauled back up to the top, and even though we were all happy our sexy Scot made it through this ordeal, Hurley and Ben wanted to know what the hell happened to Jack!

And so did we, come to think of it – the last time a guy fell into that light he become a pissed off pillar of smoke! Would Jack just become one giant floating Jear cloud or what!?

***

So back at the church where even Jesus is like “OMGWTF!?” it seems like people are gathering!

Locke: Hello, Benjamin.
Ben: Hello, John.
Locke: Are you coming inside?
Ben: I think I have some more things I need to work out first.

Locke: So you killed me, so what? I forgive you.
Ben: So what? Sew buttons! I don’t deserve what lies inside those doors yet, friend.
Locke: Well I guess fate has a “You broke it, you bought it” kind of policy.

And that’s when Locke is healed-ah by the power-ah of the Lord-ah. Or something like that.

Although he wouldn’t have even tried to walk without our little Benry, so it looks like he is getting better after all.

***

“So if I’m the new island Santa Clause, do you want to be my Head Elf? I know Jacob was kind of a douche to you, but I could use someone with experience.”

Ben: It would be an honor, o captain my captain. How about we start by helping Desmond go home?
Hurley: But no one can leave the island, how can we do that?
Ben: Oh, that’s just how Jacob ran things. Like you said, he was kind of a douche. You can run this chocolate factory however you want, Charlie, Hugo.

Remember that time Hurley and Ben shared a candy bar by the cabin? Well now they’re gonna share the island in an equally adorable way.

So Hurley became the best guardian the island ever had. I’d like to think he helped Desmond get home, flew Carmen and Cheech there for luaus, let the surviving Losties come and go over the years whenever they’d like, and helped all those trapped ghosts move on.

I mean, if anyone deserves to live a few thousand years and help people, I think it’s Hugo. <3

***

Hurley: You coming in, dude?
Ben: No, I don’t think so. Not yet.
Hurley: Okay. You know…you were a real good #2.

Audience: lolz
Ben: And you were a great #1, Hugo.
Audience: …lolz.

“This is where I was going to have my father’s funeral. Why are we here?”

“I’ll be waiting inside once you’re ready to leave. You’ll find your black sweat suit, purple shroud, and Nikes right inside the door. I’m sure the Kool-Aid is mixed up by now. See ya.”

And so while Jack sat there trying to make sense out of things, Kate went inside to change into something a little more comfortable less slutty.

***

Jack woke up in the same exact spot Jacob found Smokey’s body, but instead of turning into a cloud, Jack was still human! And alive! Barely!

Most people would have probably just stayed there and died, but Jack Shephard is apparently 2 Legit 2 Quit!

***

He goes into the back room of the church where his father’s body is, and we’re all kind of wondering, “WTF kind of hippie church is this, with the crosses and Stars of David and the Yin and Yang and – is that a frozen donkey wheel!?”

As this is like, the CULMINATION OF EVERYTHING, and since Daddy Jearbucks is involved, Jack performs the patented Shephard Head Squeeze^®!

So he puts his hand down on the coffin and FINALLY FINALLY JACK REMEMBERS!!!!!!!

He remembers crashing on the island and saving the shit out of people all the time! He remembers Kate and saving even more people! The Lost producers must have had a really hard time trying to find that many clips of Jack actually smiling!

Conveniently Jack doesn’t remember making every huge mistake known to man, or becoming a bearded drug addict, or being a self righteous, bossy, whiny, arrogant ass to 95% of the people he came into contact with, but IT DOESN’T MATTER! You know why?

Because – BRACE YOURSELVES – JACK HAS REDEEMED HIMSELF. Shock! Horror! Etc! I mean, dude saved the world you guys. Cut him a break. ;D

SO ANYWAY, Jack finally opens the coffin and – GASP! There is no one inside! OMGWTFPOLARBEAR!?!?!?! A’S;LFK’A;SLDKF’;LKADSL;’AFKDLS;

Christian: Hey, kiddo.
Jack: DAD?
Audience: CHRISTIAN!?
Jack: I don’t understand…you DIED!
Audience: YEAH, YOU DIED!!!!!
Jack: How are you here?
Christian: How are you here?

“Uh….because…the Force is strong in my family. My father has it…I have it…and my sister has it.”

“Well…close enough. I’m dead, but you’re dead too, Jack. We all are.”

JEARSIUS MAXIMUS!!!!!! ;___________________;

Jack: Are you real?
Christian: Of course I’m real! Everything that’s happened to you is real!
Jack: They’re all dead too?
Christian: Everybody dies sometime, some before you and some waaaay after you!

Christian explains that there is no “now” where they are – they all made this place together so they could find one another. The time they spent on that island was the most important part of their lives!

And that’s when the audience started freaking out as hard as Jack! It turns out none of them could “move on” without one another because they needed each other to remember! Because no one does it alone!

JEARS IN HEAVEN ;_;

“Wunderbar! Now quit acting like a pussy and go say hi to all your little friends out there.”

So Jack finally steps out into the sanctuary and he finds all his Oceanic 815 buddies there! This is either Heaven or the most attractive AA meeting ever!

Sayid doesn’t care that Nadia’s not there, and Boone’s not mad that Shannon’s looking longingly into Sayid’s eyes!

Locke’s girlfriend Helen is nowhere to be found, but he doesn’t mind because he could totally break dance his way into heaven now that his legs are fixed!

But in case you thought that JUST MAYBE Damon and Carlton would leave us with a Super Mega Happy Ending, you were WRONG! Because Lost has always been about good AND bad, the happy AND the sad, black AND white, and of course life AND death.

What better way to end the series than one of those magical music montages in which you remember just how much you love the show?

WE WILL MISS YOU, DESMOND AND PENNEH! :(

WE WILL MISS YOU, CHARLIE AND AARON AND SHANNON AND CLAIRE AND SUN! :(

WE WILL MISS YOU, JIN, AND LIBBY, AND HURLEY! :(

…and meanwhile Jack is making his way back to the beginning…

WE WILL REALLY MISS YOU, SAWYER!!!!!! ;_;

WE WILL MISS YOU, KATE! :(

…to have the story end where the story began…

And then everyone sat down together with their significant others on the pews except for Locke and Boone but whatever…

And even though they’re all really happy to finally be together again, and to be moving on with the people that meant so much to them, we can’t help but get all Jearsy about it ;_____;

And as if we weren’t already crying hard enough, VINCENT HAS TO COME AND LAY DOWN NEXT TO JACK because Vincent was there the moment Jack woke up after the crash…

And Christian Shephard finally lives up to his ridiculously ~*symbolic*~ name by opening the doors and letting in that magic sparkly light that lives inside every one of us and also in the island’s hoo-ha…

AND THEY’RE ALL SO HAPPY BECAUSE THEY’RE FINALLY TOGETHER, EVEN THOUGH WE’RE ALL SO SAD… D:

AND JACK IS LAYING THERE ON THE GROUND WITH VINCENT, HERE AT THE END OF ALL THINGS, AND WE’RE ALL LIKE, “THAT’LL DO, PIG. THAT’LL DO…”

AND AS IF THAT WEREN’T BAD ENOUGH THE FRIGGING PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD JUST LIKE IN THE PILOT BUT IN ONE PIECE, SO WE KNOW FRANK WILL GET THEM HOME SAFE AND SOUND…

AND JACK REALIZES THAT HE ACTUALLY WAS RIGHT THIS TIME…

AND THE BRIGHT LIGHT FILLS THE CHURCH AND WE KNOW ALL OUR LOSTIES WILL REST IN PEACE…

…and Jack closes his eye and dies, the final shot of the entire series one final Jear quivering on the edge of his lashes.

Super Crazy Lost Fans: SO SIDEWAYS WORLD WAS PURGATORY!!!!!!! AGHHHH!!!!!;LA’;LSKDF;’LAKSDF;LASD
Your Everyday Lost Fans: So the Sideways World was purgatory! Neat!
The n00b Lost fans: OMG I WAS RIGHT, THE ISLAND WAS PURGATORY, YOU GUYS!!!!!
Super Crazy Lost Fans: *head desk*

THE END!!!!!!!!!

***

On a personal note, I’d like to thank each and every one of you who has come to read my recaps every week for the last 4 years. These recaps started as a joke, and I never EVER had any idea that they’d become such a phenomenon. I will always look back on my time as a crazed Lost fangirl with love, and a lot of that has to do with you guys. My readers…are the best readers…of all the readers. Writing these recaps has been a challenge to say the least, but all the love I receive in return for them always made it totally worthwhile. I’m so happy I could make you guys laugh week after week. I may recap a new show, I may not…but you should all know that for me, YOU MADE LOST WORTH LIVING! :D

The Ack Attack isn’t going anywhere, so please stop by and visit!

You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.

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Part II of the epic three part Lost Finale recap!

Click to read Part I
Click to read Part III

So it’s finally time for the concert! And we’re reminded that Claire is the tiniest person ever when she stands next to other grownups and/or adolescent boys.

Charlotte wakes Charlie up, who was still taking a tranquilizer gun-induced coma nap. He immediately picks up a bottle and continues doing his ridiculous “Keith Richards if he was a 1-Hit Wonder” impression.

Then Daniel meets Charlotte and he doesn’t quite flash on her, but we know he’s already sort of flashed on her before, and she seems to be into it, so we’re happy for them both and hope their own flashes don’t involve chocolate before dinner.

Things start to get crazy when everyone at Table 23 shows up, and Kate and Claire are like, “OMG MY CARJACKER/CARJACKEE BFF!?”

The concert starts and instead of playing a classical version of “You All Everybody,” Daniel and Driveshaft are playing some stupid song none of us care about, but it’s okay because Charlie sees Claire and becomes an Insta-Creeper!

Claire: Ummm…wtf…do I know that guy…
Charlie: @_@

Claire: Oh no MY BAY-BEE!
Aaron: *flashes on Charlie* SOMEONE GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

***

Desmond’s finally at the bottom of the waterfall, and while it looks very Indiana Jones we’re pretty sure this thing is like a Hot Tub Time Machine!

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for!!!! Desmond is convinced that if he can just wade into this pool of MAGIC LIGHT and UNPLUG the WHOLE ISLAND, he’ll be transported to the Sideways World!

BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENS!!!! AND DES STARTS BLEEDING AND GOING ALL DOCTOR MANHATTAN AND WHILE THE LADIES WOULDN’T MIND HIM WALKING AROUND NAKED AGAIN, THIS DOESN’T SEEM TO BE GOING WELL.

After the phallic thing came out of the hole, the light just kind of petered out, which also seems potentially problematic.

Desmond: NO!!!! NOOO!!!!!
Audience: NOOO!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Lost Writers: YES! YES!

Things went from sparkly like a Twilight vampire to Mount Doom in a matter of seconds, and in that moment Jack knew.

He had to come at Smokey like a mighty bazooka!!!!!

“GERONIMOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (JACKSON!)”

Even though the island was quickly turning into an earthquakey volcano of DOOM, pulling that plug did something else – it made Smokey mortal again! And Jack popped him in the mouth and made him bleed his own blood! ‘;dslfka’l;dskfl;’asdk

Smokey and Jack were both right! The island may be sinking, but Smokey can be killed!

This means two things: a) my Jears-sense is tingling and b) it is motherfucking GO TIME.

Smokey bashes Jack in the head with a rock and goes running, but he wasn’t going to get very far. MWA HA HA!!!!!!

***

Back at the concert…

Eloise: I thought I told you to knock this off.
Desmond: Yeah well you’re not the boss of me.
Eloise: And what about when they all remember?
Desmond: We’re leaving.
Eloise: Are you gonna take mah boy…right outta mah hands?
Desmond: No, I’ll leave him with you.

We wouldn’t realize this until the end, but after all that, Eloise wasn’t some creepy psychic! She just wanted to be with her son! That’s why her hair was so big, it was full of secrets!

***

Meanwhile, Claire has gone into full blown labor in a matter of 30 seconds, and who comes to save the day but her carjacker BFF, Kate? Good thing Claire’s wearing a mini-skirt, this kid’s about to come flying out at any moment!

So Charlie apparently walked off the stage mid-song to see what he could do to help! Kate sends him to get blankets and water, aka The Hollywood Birth Scene Dynamic Duo!

Kate tells Claire that she needs to push, and she’s saying all the exact lines from the first time Claire gave birth, and it’s all happening so fast!

And then all of the sudden it hits her! Kate flashes on Aaron’s original birth!!! CLAIRE’S VA-JAYJAY IS KATE’S CONSTANT!!!!!!!!

Conveniently Kate doesn’t remember Claire’s Squirrel Baby, or having to abandon Aaron with Claire’s mom or any of that crap, it’s only the good times! But Claire still doesn’t remember!

But then Aaron pops out and Kate hands him to Claire, and then SHE flashes, and our hearts are about to explode!

Conveniently Claire doesn’t remember that time the Others kidnapped her, or how she thought Kate kidnapped Aaron, or how she lived alone for 3 years as a jungle wench! She only remembered the good stuff! And everyone was crying and smiling and we thought we couldn’t take any more!

But before we can even yell “MERCY!!!!” CHARLIE shows up with his blanket and Claire grabs his hand and then all of the sudden HE REMEMBERS TOO!

And there are all these flashes of the fake peanut butter and him taking care of Turniphead and kissing Claire by the fire!!!!

Conveniently for them both they didn’t remember him drowning in the Looking Glass, or his drug problem, or the whole, “Oh, and Chah-lee? I don’t want my BAY-BEE hanging around LY-AHS” thing!

And now everyone remembers everyone, and everyone is bawling, including the majority of the audience. Because Babies + Best Friends + Motherhood + Long Lost Friends + Long Lost Loves = Off the charts EMO EXPLOSION.

Sidenote: I mean seriously I never cry about anything, but this made me cry so hard my nose started bleeding LOL. Yay Darlton. Chipping away at the icy hearts of snarky internet recappers everywhere.

So anyway now Kate, Claire, Charlie, and Desmond have all reached some kind of cosmic understanding with one another, although none of us have any idea what it is yet.

But it wouldn’t be a Lost finale if any of us had any idea about what was going on, right?

***

Back on the island, Ben gets squished under a tree because he hadn’t been injured for a few minutes, and everyone is trying to help him get free! Which is slightly surprising! But they don’t have time to debate whether or not they should save him – the island’s going all wonky!

They get on the walkie to LaPenis, who says he needs like 6 hours to get the plane working, but it’s a moo point! The island’s set on Self-Destruct and it’s going down like a fat kid in dodge ball!

***

And at that moment, Smokey made an absolutely crucial bad guy mistake. If he would have just climbed down the goddamn ladder when he got to the cliff’s edge, he’d be on his merry way.

But no. He had to stand there and marvel at how awesome his plan had been. Dumbass.

Jack: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKKKKKKEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Smokey: HEY, ASS-BUTT.
Audience: FINISH HIM!!!!

If Mocke would have only seen the Lion King, he’d know how this would end. IT WAS TIME FOR SOME THRILLING HEROICS.

*CUE EPIC MUSIC WITH THE CRAZY STRINGS AND POUNDY DRUMS* (i.e. Click Here and turn your sound UP!)

SO JACK DOES THE MOST BADASS THING HE’S EVER DONE AND GOES ALL CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN JACKFACE AND FLIES RIGHT AT MOCKE’S HEAD!

THE RAIN IS POUNDING DOWN ON THE TWO FIGURES, THE FIGHT BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL LITERALLY GOING ON OUT ON THE EDGE OF A GIANT CLIFF!

THE VILLAIN GRABS HIS KNIFE AND STABS, HARD, INTO OUR HERO’S GUT! A HORRIBLE SQUELCHING SOUND IS HEARD! WE THINK, “NO! THIS CANNOT BE! WE MAY NOT ALL LOVE JACK, BUT WE DON’T WANT HIM TO LOSE!”

IT ONLY TOOK SIX YEARS AND ONE HOUR TO MAKE JACK SEMI-LIKABLE. THANKS, LOST!

I MEAN THIS IS CRAZY. THIS IS LIKE THE LAST LEVEL OF MARIO BROS. WHEN THE WOODEN SHIP IS ALL SHAKING AND ALL THE CANNONBALLS ARE FLYING AT YOU AND EXPLODING!

THE VILLAIN, BELIEVING HIMSELF TO BE THE VICTOR, FLIPS THE HERO OVER, HOLDING A KNIFE TO HIS THROAT, AND MAKING THE OTHER CRUCIAL BAD GUY MISTAKE!

HE STOPS HIMSELF FROM SLASHING JACK’S THROAT JUST LONG ENOUGH TO SAY, “JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU DIED FOR NOTHING!!!!!”

AND AT THAT VERY MOMENT WE ALL DECIDED TO FORGIVE KATE AUSTEN AND HER LAMENESS OVER THE YEARS BECAUSE SHE SHOT SMOKEY RIGHT IN THE MOTHERFRAKKING BREAD BASKET!!!!!

AND JACK KICKED HIM OFF THE CLIFF, WHERE HE LANDED IN A PILE. BECAUSE ALL BAD GUYS NEED TO FALL TO THEIR DEATHS.

SEE ALSO: HANS GRUBER, GOLLUM, EMPEROR PALPATINE, ETC. ETC.

;lkAJD;LKdjflkJS;lfkajskldjsakl

*runs around like a crazed Muppet, arms flailing above my head*

***

Back in the Sideways World, Jack’s neck started bleeding again IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE SMOKEY HAD CUT HIM. And that “appendix scar” was where Smokey had stabbed him!!!!!! OH EM GEE.

So Locke wakes up from his spinal surgery way too early. Jack’s trying to get him to chillax for a second, when all of the sudden Locke’s like…

“It worked! I can feel my legs! Lets cry together and get maaaarried!”

No, but seriously folks, as soon as Jack uncovered Locke’s little piggies, Locke had his own flash! And he remembered being healed by the island, and showing young boys how to throw knives, and orange peels and backgammon and all that shit!

Conveniently he didn’t remember imploding the hatch, or killing people here or there, or being an epic failure at everything, or Ben hanging him, or having a demon use him as a sock puppet, but hey that’s cool!

So now he understands, and he wants to get going ASAP, but Jack won’t let him, even though when Locke flashed, Jack actually had a teeny flash of his own! But since Jack is the most stubborn person on the planet, he represses the crap out of that memory and makes to leave.

Jack: I have to go see my son.
Locke: But you don’t have a son.
Lost Writers: Hint hint.
Locke: I hope someone does for you what you just did for me.
Jack: ;_;
Lost Writers: HINT HINT.

***

Meanwhile, Sawyer shows up and flashes his badge at Sun and Jin, and he’s like, “I’m here to protect you Miss…Peck? Pike? P-Pake?”

They realize that while they might have had their own Enlightenment, Sawyer’s still kind of stuck in his Dark Ages. He doesn’t know who they are, or that he’s the one who helped Jin learn to say that those pants didn’t make Sun look fat.

Sun: Don’t worry about us, we’re safe.
Jin: Yeah, we’re safe, you son of a bitch.
Sun: LOL yeah, you son of a bitch.
Sawyer: Excuse me?
Jin: Just a little inside joke.

Sawyer: I love inside jokes. I hope to be part of one someday.
Lost Writers: Patience, young grasshopper.

***

♪♪♪ The hour’s approaching to give it your best
You’ve got to reach your prime.
That’s when you need to put yourself to the test
And show us a passage of time.
We’re gonna need a montage.

A plane fixing montage!
Show a lotta things, happening at once,
Remind everyone of what’s goin’ on.

With every shot show a little improvement,
To show it all would take too long.
That’s called a montage.

In anything, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro
You need a montage
Even Rocky had a montage.
You need a montage.
A simple little montage.

Always fade out in a montage.
If you fade out it seems like more time has passed in a montage.

Montaaaaage… ♪♪♪

***

Despite the whole Ding Dong the Bitch is Dead thing, the Losties still have muchas problemas going on right now. Jack’s been stabbed and even though Smokey’s dead, the island won’t stop shaking!

So Jack tells them they all have to get to Smokey’s boat and get to the other island because if he can’t plug up Mount Doom, things are going to get hinky.

Ben and Hurley say they’re staying with Jack – Ben because he wants to go down with the island, and Hurley because he’s kind of a weenie!

Sawyer: Together again, huh?
Jack: Wouldn’t miss it.
Sawyer: How we doin’?
Jack: Same as always.
Sawyer: That bad, huh?

Kate: Come with us!
Jack: No, I have a ~*Special Destiny*~!
Kate: Did I ever tell you you’re my hero? And everything I would like to be?
Jack: *wincing*
Kate: I can fly higher than an eagle, ’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Jack refuses to go with them, and for one brief moment all the Skaters in the audience thought they’d finally won the Great Lost Ship War. Until…

Lost Writers: Bet ya didn’t see that one coming!
Jaters: WEEEEE ARE THE CHAMMPIONS, MY FRIIIIIENDSSSS
Skaters: Jate?????? IS FATE??????? JATE!???????????? IS FATE!???????
Jaters: AND WEEEEEEEE’LL KEEP ON FIGHTINGGGGGG TILLL THE EEEEEEENDDDDD
Skaters: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! *projectile vomiting*
Jaters: NOOOO TIME FOR LOOOOSERS CAUSE WE ARE THE CHAMPIIOOOONNSSSS
Skaters: WHYYYYYYYYYY????? *taking Silkwood showers*

Everyone Else: Oh, how nice for them.
Hurley: …I’ll be in my bunk.

Kate: I LOVE YOU ;_;
Jack: I LOVE ME TOO ;_;

Ben and Hurley began helping Jack drag his ass back to the cave, and the island is still going nuts, and things are looking really grim! So much for a Super Mega Happy Ending, amiright?

Kate: How are we gonna get down there?
Sawyer: *looks for ladder* No Stairway? Denied!

So Sawyer and Kate did the most badass thing ever, which was jump off this cliff into the ocean without any hesitation.

Skate may not be Fate after all, but to me, they’ll always be the island’s Sid and Nancy. *wails on air guitar*

Click to read Part I
Click to read Part III

You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.

Become a fan on Facebook for updates!
Or follow me on Twitter!

Check out my JEARS MERCHANDISE!!!!!!!!! You know you want to! ;_;

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Part I of the epic three part Lost Finale recap!

Click to read Part II
Click to read Part III

As if we needed reminding that this was The End, the first shot of the very last Lost was of a coffin! So symbolic! So sad! So very fitting considering this show started with Daddy Issues, and now it would end with them!

So we saw each character in both worlds – Cop Sawyer and Jungle Sawyer, Surgeon Jack and Jack-is-the-new-Jacob Jack, Teabag-Wielding Ben and Bullet-Wielding Ben, etc. etc.

Desmond: Bring out yer dead!
Allman Brothers Roadie: Here’s one.
Christian: I’m not dead.
Desmond: What?
Allman Brothers Roadie: He says he’s not dead.
Desmond: Yes he is.
Christian: I’m not.
Allman Brother Roadie: He isn’t.
Desmond: Yes, but the audience doesn’t know that yet so zip it, will ya?

Kate: Who died?
Desmond: It’s a man named Christian Shephard.
Kate: Srsly? Christian Shephard? Yikes.
Desmond: Look Kate, don’t get catty just because you’re like the only character on this show without symbolic name, okay?

Kate: You breaking me out of jail and giving me this dress has been great and all, but why am I here?
Desmond: No one can tell you why you’re here. *WINK*
Kate: What do you want?
Desmond: TO LEAVE, KATE.
Kate: When do you want it?
Desmond: NOW!

***

Back in the jungle, Jack is standing in the river of Jears he has produced over 6 seasons, practicing his God voice.

“And Jack said LET THERE BE LIGHT! No, no…ahem…THE LORD IS MY JACK SHEPHARD, I SHALL NOT WANT. Hmmm. I like that.”

Sawyer: Are you alright? Last night was weird.
Jack: Yeah, I’m fine. And totally not trying to turn this water into wine.

Jack tells Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley what the haps are – basically, There is a Light That Never Goes Out at the center of the island, and Smokey’s gonna try to turn it off – literally bringing them all to The Dark Side.

The only problem is that Jacob kind of gave the Cliff Notes version of how to protect the light, so Jack doesn’t really know how to do it.

“Jacob’s worse than Yoda. Let us down, he has. Stopped must Smokey be. On this all depends. Only a fully trained Jedi Knight with the Force as his ally…”

“Can it, Chewie. I’m gonna go and help the magically delicious leprechaun bust out of that well,” then he turns to Kate and he’s like, “Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?”

Kate: I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
Sawyer: I can arrange that. You could use a good kiss.
Jack: O RLY?

Hurley and all the Skaters: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

***

Back in the Sideways World, Team Purple Shirt makes a pit stop on their way to…wherever it is they’re going.

Hurley: Tranquilizer gun? Me and you in my Hummer, driving around? Ring any bells?
Sayid: You are crazy.
Hurley: Do I need to go find my “I Heart My Shih Tzu” shirt? Maybe you’ll flash on a dishwasher…hmmm…

It turns out they were there to pick up Charlie “My Guyliner is Not as Pretty as Richard’s” Pace for the concert. He was being amazingly douchey for someone who had like…one hit song. I wonder if the bassist from Marcy Playground was such a dick.

Anyway Hurley could care less because he was finally seeing his old BFF Charlie again, and he just wanted to hold him to his plentiful bosoms and talk about the good old days!

But Charlie didn’t remember anything, so Hurley’s all “Whoops, dart to your back!” and he knocks Charlie out, throws him into the back of his hummer, and drives off.

***

Kate: You don’t have to do this.
Jack: Have you ever met me, Kate? I’m the Fixiest Fixer that has ever Fixed. This is the most important fix of all. IT IS MY DESTINY TO FIX THIS, WOMAN!!! LET ME FIX THIS!!!!!!1!
Kate: …
Jack: …let me do this and we can make out later.
Kate: Giggity.

***

Over at the well, Ben catches Sawyer and is like, “As long as you’re watching, why don’t you join us?” and a million terrible fanfics were born!

Sawyer: So I’m guessing you need Desmond to destroy the island, sound about right?
Smokey: Well look at that! You figured out my evil scheme! How’d you do that?
Sawyer: I figured out your complicated gizmos, that’s how.
Smokey: It only took the bears 2 hours. You Candidates are a little slow on the uptake.
Sawyer: We’re not Candidates anymore. BOO YA.

At that, Sawyer popped Ben “FML” Linus in the mouth (it wouldn’t be a Lost Finale without some Ben carnage, no?) and ran back to Team Blue Shirt’s hiding spot.

Ben: hhhWhy didn’t you stop him!?
Smokey: Why doesn’t a frog bump his ass when he hops?

Smokey: I don’t give a shit about those peons, I’m sinking this island and then IIIIII’MMMM SAAAAAILING AWAAAAAAY, SET AN OPEN COURSE FOR THE VIRGIN SEEEEEAAAA.
Ben: So you’re not promoting me to Assistant Regional Manager of the island like you promised?
Smokey: I’m dropping this island like it’s hot, so unless you want to get eaten by Ezra James Sharkington, I suggest you come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me.

***

Desmond wakes up at Mr. and Mrs. Thurston Howell III Rose and The Nard Dog’s awesome jungle bungalow! They were the ones who helped him out of the well!

Rose gives Desmond some breakfast and is like, “Look, not to be rude, but once you’re done eating, you’ve got to go. We don’t get involved. Damn kids, with your automatic weapons and your drama and your Discmen and your Friendster. Just let us get old and grow our hair in peace, will ya?”

But within minutes Smokey’s there on the scene, threatening to cut a bitch if Desmond doesn’t come with him right now! And he says he’s going to make it HURT, which the Dude CANNOT ABIDE.

Rose: This why we stay out of this, dammit. Save the drama for your mama, Locke!
Smokey: Talk to the hand cause the face don’t want to hear it!
Rose: VINCENT, HOLD MY WEAVE!
Bernard: OH SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
Desmond: OCH. Ah’ll come with yoo, brothah. But only if yoo promise to nevah, EVAH hurt one hair on Rose or Bernard’s equally shaggy heads!

So Rafiki grabs his walking stick and ventures out with Smokey and Ben.

Smokey: Betcha don’t know where we’re going!
Desmond: That glowy cave of wonders?
Smokey: How did you…but you can’t…D’oh!

***

And then Miles found Richard! Despite being thrown across Otherville like a sexy Cuban rag doll, he seems alright, albeit a little confused.

Miles: Are you okay, bro?
Richard: TV and Film’s Ken Leung? Wow! I loved you in Keeping the Faith.
Miles: I think you hit your head pretty hard.
Richard: omg is my manscara smudged!?

They decide to go on with the blow-up-the-plane plan, since they really don’t have much else going on at the moment.

***

Meanwhile, Sideways Miles just happens to see Sayid out joyriding with Hurley, and as he just arrested him yesterday, he figures something’s up. He calls Detective Ford back at the office, who’s wearing some absolutely hilarious eye wear and “investigating” the answer to 6 Across.

“Go find Sun Paik and make sure that Iraqi dude with the Soul Glo doesn’t go after her again!”

***

Speaking of Sun Paik, she’s in the hospital recovering from being shot, and Jin’s already planning to run away from her stupid assface of a father.

Then Dr. Juliet Burke Linus Ford Shephard CARLSON walks into the room, all the Juliet fangirls freak out, and then she makes a point of noting Sun and Jin can’t speak English, yet continues speaking to them in English anyway!

So she starts giving Sun an ultrasound to check on the BAY-BEE, and as soon as she feels it, Sun flashes on that time Juliet pretended to help her but really was secretly gathering data for Benry!

But apparently Sun didn’t remember it that way, and she started crying and saying that she remembered!

And then Jin saw the BAY-BEE on the monitor, and HE started getting flashes too! And he remembered all the various times him and Sun ran towards each other in slow motion after being apart for weeks/months/years at a time! And then together they remembered Jin being left behind on the freighter, and drowing ala Jack and Rose ;_;

Conveniently they didn’t remember Jin forcing Sun to button her sweater, or that guy she was cheating on Jin with, or Jin being a hit man for her father, or that time Sun paid off Jin’s hooker mother, or all the mean shit he did to her on the island.

But it’s okay because it was so sad and cute and I mean GOD imagine remembering yourself drowning to the sad tinkly piano music! ;_;

Anyway, Sun and Jin could now magically speak non-accented English, and while Juliet was slightly taken aback by the sudden change in their speech, she was more worried that Sun might remember that time she bitch-slapped Juliet on the island, so she quickly excused herself and ran down the hall.

***

So Locke’s awaiting his surgery with a hair net despite his complete lack of hair!

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Listen John, did you have anything you wanted to say before your surgery, or…”

Locke: Uh, yes – try not to kill me, will ya?
Lost Writers: Hint hint.
Locke: And I hope them finding your father’s body can bring you peace.
Lost Writers: HINT HINT.
Jack: Alright then. See you on the other side.
Lost Writers: HINT!

***

Meanwhile, Miles and Richard are getting ready to go to Hydra Island when Miles finds Richard’s very first gray hair!!!!

Richard: YES! I never thought I’d be able to say this! I’M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!!!
Miles: Congrats!
Richard: I’m going to need to pick up some Just For Men on the way back to civilization, btw.

So they’re canoe-dling along the channel between islands when they hear this muffled screaming, and we’re all like, “OH LOST, OH NO YOU DIH-INT.”

FRANK!!!!!! LAPIDUS!!!!!!!! IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!

“I’m LaPenis. I’m your fire, and your desire.”

So basically Frank gets on the sexy canoe and tells Team Gray Hair Shirt that there’s no sense in blowing up the plane when he could, ya know, FLY IT HOME.

***

Then Smokey, Ben, and Desmond just happen to come across Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley, and we’re okay with it (because it wouldn’t be a Lost finale if the two separate groups didn’t meet up on this slanty hill to talk close to each other’s faces, no?).

Kate, who hasn’t done anything cool or badass in months, grabs a rifle and becomes the first gunman on the grassy knoll! It’s just too bad Smokey’s inside his invisible magic bulletproof Popemobile!

Locke: Wow, so you’re the new Island Bodyguard, huh? Kind of an obvious choice, don’t ya think?
Jack: I volunteered for this job. Me? Getting to save the entire world? This is like catnip to me. I go crazy for this shit.

Locke: That’s so gay. You know how I know you’re gay?
Jack: How? How do you know I’m gay?
Locke: Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Jack: You know how I know that you’re gay?
Locke: How?

Jack: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
Locke: You know how I know you’re gay?
Jack: How?
Locke: You have a rainbow bumper stick on your car that says, “I love it when balls are in my face.”
Jack: That’s gay!?

“Enough of these pleasantries, Smoke Man. It’s time for our ménage à trois with this Island’s Glowy Vagina.”

Locke: And then?
Jack: No “and then.”

***

After bumping into each other at the nurse’s station and doing the “Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor” thing, we finally find out that JULIET CARLSON IS THE MOTHER!!!!!!!!!! (*cue awesome dancing*)

David: Golly gee willikers Mom and Dad, you two sure are special to me.
Juliet: Father, don’t we have such a wonderful son?
Jack: And how, Mother. It’s almost as if he was too perfect to be true!
Lost Writers: *clear throats*

And then Juliet and Sawyer crossed paths for the first time and didn’t flash on each other, which gave us poor Skaters hope, but not for long.

***

Sawyer: Look, Doc. What Kate Does is her own business, and I know we have to make sense of What They Died For, but Dead is Dead.
Jack: Desmond…I think he is The Constant. He should have been Confirmed Dead after what Widmore did to him, but I think he’s Special.
Sawyer: This will be The Beginning of the End. It’s only The Shape of Things to Come! I know I’m supposed to just Follow the Leader, but There’s No Place Like Home. I’d rather just leave and live Happily Ever After. This Place is Death, Jack.

Jack: Desmond is One of Us, and if he’s telling The Whole Truth, if I Do nothing, at Sundown that monster is going to go Across the Sea. While dangerous, The Incident will be for The Greater Good, trust me. It’s The Cost of Living.
Sawyer: That’s a hell of a Long Con, Doc. I’d rather it be Every Man for Himself, but I’ll Follow the Leader. Namaste, Jack.
Jack: …Jughead.

So anyway, they get to the bamboo field where the glowy cave is, and Smokey decides that only the island VIPs are allowed to go. As Jack is walking away, Hurley’s like, “I believe in you, dude,” which is freaking adorable (and for once, we feel like we might actually believe in Jack too).

Desmond tells Jack that while he’s being very noble and all, none of this matters! There’s this Super Mega Happy place where you can hang out with your loved ones and never think about this island again!

That is, unless you actually flash on said loved ones, in which case you DO remember the island, but that’s neither here nor there.

Jack tells Desmond that there are no do-overs, no shortcuts, and ALL of this matters!

Super Crazy Lost Fans: So I’m guessing the Sideways World will not be the end-all for the show…
Your Everyday Lost Fans: I am enjoying this finale so far.
The n00b Lost fans: I totally bet this is purgatory, you guys.

So it was time. Time for Desmond to find the clitoris.

***

So Sayid and Hurley are sitting in some Sideways back alley, and Sayid’s wondering just what the hell they are doing there.

Hurley: You’ll understand soon enough.
Sayid: Well, that would like, assume that anyone actually tells me anything. Maybe if I were in the loop I could be more helpful.
Hurley: There is no loop, Sayid.

Our big squishy marshmallow Hurley was trying to talk Sayid up a bit when Action Sayid saw some thug pushing a lady around in the alley! So he strapped on his Torcha Scrunchie and went to use his Masters from the Jack Bauer Institute for Pwnage one last time!!!!

When the damsel in distress turned around, it was Shannon!!!!!!!!!!! And even though Sayid spent his whole life in love with Nadia and like 1 month with Shannon we didn’t even care!!!!!!!

They both flashed on each other right away! And it was all making out by bonfires and translating maps! Conveniently they didn’t remember that time Ana-Lucia shot Shannon, or when Shannon tried to get Sayid to kill Locke, or all of Sayid’s torcha or Shannon’s bitching!

And Boone showed up, as ridiculously good looking as ever! His own flash must not have been about Shannon (let’s face it, he probably flashed on some pens) because he was fine to sit with Hurley and watch her have a scoop of delicious Iraqi Road ice cream.

Woo! Bygones!

***

After arriving at Hydra Island, Miles barely has enough time to tell the others that they’re flying off the island when Crazy Claire shows up, guns blazing! She tells them she doesn’t want to leave in the whiniest way possible, but Richard thinks he knows what the problem is…

“Look, Claire. Leave-in conditioner, some exfoliating cleanser, and a little lip gloss can go a long way. I’m Bringing Sexy Back, one castaway at a time.”

***

So they’re lowering Desmond down into the glowy light, and Jack’s making some awesome faces, and Smokey’s trying to get Jack to reminisce about the old days with the real Locke!

Smokey: Let’s have that same fight we always used to have!
Jack: No.
Smokey: Come on, guy! I’m a man of faith! Let’s talk destiny! Backgammon and orange peels and knives and shit!
Jack: I said NO!
Smokey: Geez, throw me a frickin’ bone here.

Jack totally called Smokey out for being a poseur! And Desmond got down to the bottom of the waterfall, turned on a Mama Cass record, and the camera panned sloooooowly down the cave, just like when they first blew open the hatch.

It. Was. Awesome.

Click to read Part II
Click to read Part III

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This week on Lost, Ben gets revenge and a lady friend, Desmond turns himself in and breaks himself out, Jacob finally explains himself, Jack drinks the magic Kool-Aid, and we all put our trays in the upright and locked position and prepare for The End.

Jack wakes up in the Sideways World to find his neck bleeding like on the plane, and we’re all thinking, “WTF is Jack a Fangbanger or something?”

David: You’re coming to the concert tonight, right?
Jack: Totally. Is uh…your mom gonna be there?
David: Yeah, along with like every character ever.
Jack: Sweet.

David: Why do you care if Mom’s there?
Jack: No reason.
David: Dad, you broke up two years ago.
Jack: Well that doesn’t mean we can’t still go out, does it?
David: Well, it does actually. That’s what breaking up is.

And then Jack and David did that thing where they make the same exact facial expression!

Then we remember Claire, her wig, and the beach ball she’s hiding under her shirt are staying with Jack now! The new fam shares a bowl of Super Colon Blow while exchanging awkward glances and funny drunk Christian stories.

And speak of the devil, the phone rings and it’s “Oceanic Airlines” calling to tell Jack they found his father’s coffin and it is on its way!

Desmond: Check out this wicked American accent I’ve got, brothah.
Jack: Did you just say “Brothah?”
Desmond: Focus youR eaRs on these haRd R’s I’m pRounouncing, mate.
Jack: Did you just say “Mate?”
Desmond: Aye.
Jack: …
Desmond: Aye…aye…I MEAN NO WAY, JOSE.

***

So in case you didn’t remember, this one time, at band camp in the Pilot, Kate sewed Jack up on the beach. And now Jack is returning the favor by sewing up Kate’s gunshot wound (which made all the Jaters’ hearts go all aflutter), although where the hell he found a needle is beyond me.

“Sun and Jin have a daughter, you know. Her name is Ji Yeon. Jin never even met her. And now she’s an orphan. They did this to them. You know what we have to do, Jack.”

Jack: I know. We have to kill the Lost writers.
Lost Writers: What did he just say?
Jack: You heard me, Kwon killers.

So Kate goes and rests her head on Sawyer’s shoulder (which made all the Skaters’ hearts go all aflutter), and everyone is just SO SAD and we know exactly how they feel because we’ve all felt the same way all week! ;_;

Anyway, they decide to go find Desmond since apparently he’s the island’s Game Genie or something.

***

Back in the Sideways World, Road Rage!Desmond is back at Locke’s school, and we’re wondering if he really has it in him to run him over AGAIN, when Ben (who we almost don’t recognize without his usual bloodied face) shows up and tries to make a citizens’ arrest! LOL!

Since Sideways Ben couldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight, Desmond kicks his ass! And Ben’s all, “Who are you!?”

And that’s when he gets his own little flash of the other world, only instead of it being something adorable and lovey…

Desmond: YOO SHOT ME RIGHT IN THA GROCERIES AND THEN TRIED TO SHOOT MAH WIFE, MISTER FANCYPANTS!
Ben: It’s Doctor Fancypants, actually.

Anyway, Desmond told Ben he wasn’t trying to hurt Locke, he was trying to help him let go! And then Desmond tossed Ben aside, and he was much more recognizable now because he has red on him.

***

Finally, we get to see what Team Bichard is up to…

Ben: Yes, I know which way I’m going. I’ve lived here a long time.
Miles: Yeah but I lived here 30 years before you, actually.
Ben: I was living here then too, jackass. I was the sandwich boy, remember?

Miles senses a great disturbance in The Force, and it turns out that his internal EMF reader is picking up on Alex’s body, which Richard buried under a picket fence.

Ben: *emo*
Audience: Aw, that was sad, when Alex died.
Lost Writers: Just wanted to remind you. No reason in particular.
Ben: To the Batcave!

So Ben leads Richard and Miles into his super secret lair, and he explains that while he used to think he was a Real Boy, it turns out he was just Geppetto’s Smokey’s puppet all along!

The island’s infinite supply of explosives comes in handy yet again because Team Bichard wants to blow up the plane, and they opt for the Adam Savage/Jamie Hyneman “Let’s make this explosion unnecessarily ginormous” plan!

But of course, of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, Poor Man’s Tina Fey just happens to be going through Benry’s cabinets at that very same moment!

“BLERG!”

“Ben! Richard! Korean Ghostbuster! Wazzzuuuuuuuup!?”

Ben: What the what!? Charles!?
Richard: 1999 called, they want their joke back.
Miles: I’m from ENCINO, godammit!

Ben: How did you get here, Charles? I thought you could never find your way back. Jacob promised me that…
Widmore: *slow clap* Little Benry, always so unprepared. Jacob personally invited me back here himself. And you can’t kill me because I’m a special snowflake and you’ll die without my help. Not only that, I’ve had that plane rigged to explode since you were in short pants. Face it Benjamin, I’m the island expert in this scenario.
Ben: *slower clap* Nice cutting observation, Charles. What you don’t know about this island could fill a volcano. Before we continue with this charade, let’s try to keep in mind what’s really important here. The island. And its inhabitants. And keeping them safe.
Widmore: *even slower clap* Quite a performance, Benjamin. Quite a performance indeed. I…

But before Ben could come back with an even slower clap, Tina Fey calls in to tell them that Smokey’s about to break up this little meeting of Snarkotics Anonymous.

Widmore says he needs to hide, Miles says he’s getting the eff out of Otherville, Richard says he’ll try and talk to Mocke to stall, but Ben is all, “Stick a fork in me, I’m done.” He says he’s just going to let himself get Smoked!

***

“This could just be my concussion talking, but I swear when that guy punched me I got a flash of a world in which I was a nefarious supervillain with an army of goons at my disposal and an impeccable fashion sense. And he said that he wasn’t trying to hurt you, he was trying to help you let go.”

*thinks about own vision, in which a nefarious supervillain with an army of goons and impeccable fashion sense used him and then strung him up to die in a motel room*

Locke: That’s an odd coincidence.
Ben: What, does that ring any bells?
Locke: You could say that…

***

Miles is getting gussied up to go to the concert at his dad’s museum, which just happens to be the same concert Jack and David are going to, and we start to realize that David was right – everyone EVER is going to be at this thing. I bet Vincent’s going to be in the background playing the cowbell or something.

“Well, you caught me, coppers. I confess. I just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he’s dead.”

Sawyer: Oh really?
Desmond: Yah, really. Also, I shot the sheriff. But I didn’t shoot the deputy.
Sawyer: Is that so?
Desmond: Mm hmm. And um…I shot a man in Reno once just to watch him die.
Sawyer: You’ve been busy.
Desmond: I know, right? I guess you could say I fought the law, but the law won.

“Also, I ran over a cripple and beat up a nerd.”

So of course Sawyer throws Desmond in a holding cell, and who is there but our two favorite curly-haired career criminals Sayid and Kate?

***

Meanwhile, Team Blue Shirts are making their way to Desmond’s well when we notice Sawyer’s brow has become very slightly unfurrowed, which means he is totally sad right now. He is blaming himself for Sayid, Sun, and Jin’s watery demise!

“Don’t worry, Sawyer. As someone who has made countless mistakes in the past, you have nothing to worry about. Just find a nuke, detonate it, turn back time and you’ll be right as rain.”

Tween Jacob: Is that a pouch full of ashes in your pocket, or do you just have a small oddly-shaped penis?
Hurley: What the…hey why are you wearing a hoodie? Aren’t you a ghost? Shouldn’t you be wearing old timey clothes?

But Little Jacob doesn’t answer because Hurley chases him right into the actual Jacob, which is crazy because how can someone be two different ghosts at once?

I mean…right?

Hurley: Where have you been!?
Jacob: UH, DEAD?
Hurley: Oh, right.
Jacob: I tossed my ashes into the fire. When the fire goes out you’ll never see me again.
Hurley: Well that’s convenient.
Jacob: Just go get your posse so they can have one last rap session with Jam Master Jake.
Hurley: But how come?
Jacob: We’re very close to The End, Hugo.
Audience: *lol future episode title*…but srsly, don’t remind us :(

***

Richard: Hey Smokey, let’s work it out!
Smokey: PWNED.
Audience: WTF!?

Before we even see Richard land or hear him scream or anything, Mocke comes strolling around the corner like nothing happened and sits next to Ben, who is obviously about to crap his pants.

Mocke: I need you to kill some people for me.
Ben: And hhhwhy would I do that?
Mocke: One, because once I leave you can have this island all to yourself. Two, because I’m a monster and I scare the hell out of you. Three, because it’s our destiny to join up, I mean hello? Team Purple Shirts?

Ben: *looks down* Well. Would you look at that. Alright. I’ll play your game, you rogue.
Mocke: Excellent. Now tell me – where is Sam Eagle hiding out?
Ben: He’s Trapped in the Closet.

***

Alex: OH EM GEE Dr. Linus why would anyone want to hurt you? You’re like the nicest guy ever except for that time last week you tried to blackmail your boss out of his job!
Ben: I know, right??
Alex: Come over for dinner tonight! My mom is a great cook and not crazy!

“YES DR. LINUS PLEASE JOIN US OR ELSE WE’LL HAVE TO KIDNAP YOU AND STRAP YOU TO AN ELECTRIFIED BED FRAME AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!”

So after a lovely dinner of mangoes and boar meat, Ben asks Danielle about Alex’s dad, and it turns out he’s been dead for like a million years, and I’m guessing his death had nothing to do with The Sickness.

Danielle tells Ben that Alex is probably so attached to him because he’s the closest thing she’s ever had to a father, which is adorable but also really sad for Alex, amiright?

Anyway Ben hears this and gets all verklempt and cries a couple Bears because that is pretty damn cute, you have to admit. I mean you just want to give him a Hurley hug right then, which doesn’t happen often with Benry!

Danielle: Are you…crying?
Ben: Oh, I’m not crying. I’ve just been cutting onions. I’m making lasagna…for one.
Danielle: How about making some lasagna for two next time? *WINK* Now let me show you Montand’s arm here on the mantle…

And while we’re very happy that Ben is finally going to have his own little family now (and finally lose the big V, right?), we really hope Danielle doesn’t get any of her own flashes of the island and promptly decide to cut off his giblets.

***

Back on the island, Mocke’s about to go into Ben’s hidey hole to get Widmore and FINISH HIM, and he tells Ben to wait outside, but Ben’s all like, “No, I want to watch.” Apparently joining forces with Mr. Evil Incarnate has brought out the psychopath in our little Benry once again! *throws confetti*

So Widmore and Tina Fey are standing there in the dark…

“Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some shit is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, there’s a Smoke Monster”
“Shit think, shit think, shit quick, put me in the closet”
And now I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy ass up out this house”

Team Purple gets into the closet, Ben mumbles a little “Sorry Charlie” and Smokey immediately kills Tina Fey, which is a moment I loved so much that I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant!

Mocke: Spill the beans or I’ll make my first off-island order of business killing your daughter.
Audience: OMG LEAVE PENNY ALONE, PLZ.
Widmore: I brought Desmond here to take you down! Take you down to Chinatown!

But Smokey scared Widmore enough that he started whispering exactly what the deal with Desmond was…

THAT IS UNTIL BEN WHIPPED OUT A GUN AND SHOT HIM 3 TIMES. *cue “Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta”*

Ben: BOOM. LINUSED. He doesn’t get to save his daughter.
Audience: Benry was emo at that fence outside so this is relevant.
Mocke: He already told me everything I needed to know, btw.
Ben: Did you say there were some other people you needed to kill?
Mocke: Ooooh, I like the cut of your jib, mister.

Audience: But how come Ben didn’t just pop a cap in Widmore’s ass that night he broke into his penthouse?
Lost Writers: Every question you ask will just lead to another…
Audience: YEAH, YEAH.

***

So Kate, Jack, Sawyer, and Hurley all show up for this powwow with Jacob, and surprise! They can see him! Which is a good thing considering he’s like, “Sit your tushes down, we’re running out of time and I’ve got 4 interviews to get through here.”

Kate: Are you the one who wrote our names on the wall? Are you the reason everyone is dead?
Jacob: Sit down and I’ll tell you What They Died For.
Audience: *lol penultimate episode title*

***

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Mr. Locke, did you come in here for any particular reason, or…”

“Yes…Dr. Shephard, you were on the same plane as me last week, and you offered to help me, but I said no. Then I get run down by a crazy Scottish man a few days later and end up on your operating table.”

“Well, I am the only surgeon in the only hospital in ALL of LA. Apparently.”

“Last time I saw you, you said you wanted to help me let go. Then this Scottish man said the same thing to my sweater-vested colleague. So now I’m starting to think that you fixing me is my DESTINY.”

And Jack is like, “I’m not one to turn down a good fixer-upper, and I’d love to make you fitter, happier, more productive, etc., but don’t mistake coincidence for fate.”

And Mr. Eko’s like, “Hey, isn’t that my line?”

But Locke doesn’t care whose line it is – he wants the surgery! And in that moment we realized that Locke will always be creepy when he smiles now that we’ve seen him as Smokey!

***

“…So when you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you. Any other questions?”

“Yeah, what the hell are we doing here?”

“Well, a few millennia ago, I made a huge mistake and turned my brother into a Smoke Monster. Ever since then, he’s been trying to kill me, and I knew the day would come when I’d need to find my replacement. So I thought, who can I trust to run the island when I leave and take care of the polar bears for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that’s why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious island secrets.”

“So that’s why you sent out the golden tickets?”

“I didn’t send out any golden tickets, dumbass! And I obviously couldn’t deal with kids, either. So I found a bunch of pissed off, screwed up, lonely people who really had nothing better to do, and I dragged all your asses here. There is a light that never goes out at the center of the island – one of you needs to protect it from my brother, and you have to decide which one’s doing it RIGHT NOW. No pressure or anything.”

Jack: Put me in, coach! I’m ready for this! It is my fate! It is my destiny! I always knew I was a Chosen One! I will do the shit out of this job!
Jacob: Is that a threat?
Jack: No. It’s a promise.
Jacob: *high five*

Between Jears, Jack’s like, “Now listen, friends. No one dramatically try and stop me from doing this or anything.”

Everyone Else: *crickets*
Jack: Guys?
Everyone Else: Good luck there, buddy.

So Jack and Jacob go down to this stream, and Jack pulls out a cup from I’m guessing the same place he got a needle to stitch up Kate, and Jacob says some voodoo stuff over it like his mom did last week.

Jacob: Okay, so repeat after me. I, Jack Shephard…
Jack: I, Jack Shephard…
Jacob: Am sofa king…

Jack: Am sofa king…
Jacob: We tall did.
Jack: We tall – heyyy wait a minute you’re just fucking with me, aren’t you?

“LOL yeah, you don’t actually have to say anything – just drink this stuff and you’re good to go.”

Jack asked how long he’d have to do this gig, and Jacob said, “As long as you can – or until May 23rd, whichever comes first.” So he drank the magic potion!

Jacob: Now you are like me.
Jack: Kewl.
Jacob: Wanna make out?

***

Back in Sideways World, Kate, Sayid, and Desmond are all about to get transported to the prison.

Kate: Come on, I’m innocent. You let me out of here and it will be worth your trouble.
Sawyer: No thanks.
Kate: I’m very discreet…but I’ll haunt your dreams.
Sawyer: You’re hot, and I appreciate the sentiment, but no.
Audience: Swing and a miss!

“So, do you guys want to go to an awesome concert in a museum tonight instead of jail? Everyone who is anyone is going to be there.”

Sayid: Will TV and Film’s Fisher Stevens be there?
Desmond: Will he be there? Dude’s my DRIVER!
Sayid: Then yeah, I’m totally in.

Desmond: How about you, Freckles?
Kate: Will there be punch and pie?
Desmond: Absolutely.
Kate: Sweet ass, okay I’m in!

The police van stops and it’s Ana-Lucia, and she’s just as ornery as ever! Not only is she still obviously a bitch in the Sideways World, she’s also totally corrupt! I guess it’s not all lollipops and teddy bears in the Sideways World after all, huh?

Anyway, Hurley pulls up with a giant wad of cash to pay off Ana-Lucia, and Hurley’s all, “Oh hey sorry about that time Michael killed you,” which means he totally remembers way more from the island than just Libby!

But according to Desmond, Ana-Lucia isn’t “ready” whatever that means. Not that we wanted her to come anyway. Ugh.

So Desmond sends Sayid to go with Hurley somewhere, and he tells Kate she’s with him, and he gives her this dress to wear to the concert (that I’m sure is exactly her size – way to be psychic, Des!).

Even though she doesn’t quite understand what the frak is going on, neither do we, so it’s all cool. All we have to know is the board is being set for the big finale! *sob*

***

Finally, Ben and Locke find the well Desmond was supposedly in…

Ben: ECHO! Echo! echo!
Mocke: No no, Eko wasn’t down there, it was Desmond!

Ben: Yeah, but…oh, nevermind. Are you totally pissed now?
Mocke: No, I’m not. Widmore told me that if this island is like the hatch, then Desmond is like the fail safe key that he turned back in Season 2.

Ben: What?
Mocke: He’s the key to all of this. I’m going to find him, and when I do he’s going to help me do the thing I could never do myself.
Ben: Get over your mommy issues?
Mocke: No! Destroy the island!

And then the two of them laughed maniacally together long into the night. Because that’s how bad guys roll.

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This week on Lost, we meet Jacob and Smokey’s mother(s), we sneak a peek into the heart of the island, and we see how to turn a man into a monster in one easy step.

Around the same time Jesus H. Christ was hitting puberty, Minnie Driver this pretty lady found herself paddling for land, yet another shipwreck victim being sucked towards the island, having no idea what was in store for her.

Once she got to the shore, we realized that this chick was pregnant, and as we all know by now, that did not bode well for her or the pea in her pod. She’s hanging out at this stream when this Woman comes up to her and she’s like, “Hi there, that’s a very nice red dress you have.”

When the pregnant chick seems apprehensive about this besmocked stranger, the Woman goes, “Hi, I’m Allison Janney. You may remember me from such television programs as The West Wing and The Guiding Light, or such motion pictures as American Beauty, Juno, and 10 Things I Hate About You.”

“WTF is television? I’m still trying to wrap my mind around what an aqueduct is, one step at a time, okay?”

So the Woman brings Minnie Driver to her jungle lair, where they had a less than enlightening conversation:

Minnie Driver: Where are the rest of your people?
Woman: There’s only me.
Minnie Driver: How did you get here?
Woman: Don’t worry about it.
Minnie Driver: I need to go find the people from my ship…
Woman: Nope, I don’t think so.
Minnie Driver: But why?
Woman: Because I said so.

Minnie Driver: You’re not the boss of me, why won’t you let me leave??
Woman: I don’t have to answer that.
Minnie Driver: Yes you do, why won’t you answer me!?
Woman: Because every question I answer will simply lead to another question.

“Excuse me, I believe that that’s our line!?”

Anyway, Minnie Driver goes into labor, and from the sounds of it, giving birth in a jungle cave totally sucks ass.

But it’s all worth it when this little bundle of joy comes popping out, and Minnie Driver says she’s naming him Jacob after her favorite tween werewolf heartthrob.

But there’s a problem! Minnie Driver’s baby bump is still awfully bumpy considering the kid had already vacated the premises! And she starts screaming again, and then another baby comes out (honestly I wish he would have come out as a tiny cloud of black smoke) and we’re like ;s’dlfk’a;lsdkfl;asd OMG JACOB AND SMOKEY ARE TWINS!

Audience: SO ARE YOU GOING TO NAME HIM EDWARD AFTER YOUR SECOND FAVORITE TWEEN HEARTTHROB?
Minnie Driver: omg this is so embarrassing but I totally didn’t pick out a second name!
Audience: IT’S OKAY, JUST DO IT NOW…UH…QUICKLY.
Minnie Driver: Well I need to think long and hard about this, a name is very important after all, and I’d hate for him to run around his whole life without one…hmmm…
Audience: YOU’RE KILLING ME, SMALLS!

The woman wraps the babies in ~*symbolic*~ cloths, grabs the nearest coconut, and smashes Minnie Driver’s pretty head into a jelly.

But she apologized before she did it. So I guess in her mind that means it’s okay.

***

It’s 13 years later, and this Zac Efron-looking mofo with the Bieber comb-over is Lil’ Smokey! His mother could have easily named him after any tweenybopper of her choosing, but of course now it’s much too late. Good thing he and his bro are color-coded for our convenience.

So this game has washed up on the shore, and it’s got a board and white rocks and Black Rock black rocks, and Lil’ Smokey has done what any 13-year-old kid would do – make up his own rules and then force his brother to play with him!

He barely has to say a word before we realize Jacob is obviously the Jan Brady in this scenario.

Jacob: I don’t want to play your stupid game! I’m gonna go tell Mom!
Smokey: Watch it, jerk!
Jacob: Shut up, idiot!
Smokey: Moron!
Jacob: Scab eater!
Smokey: Butt sniffer!
Jacob: Pus licker!
Smokey: Fart smeller!

While Gooofus plays games at the beach, Gallant goes back to help his mother and tell her that his brother found a game, which is apparently forbidden.

Woman: I know about the game, Child Whom I Never Named, Apparently.
Smokey: Man, he told you? Jacob really is a butt sniffer.
Woman: Well sweetie, Jacob just doesn’t know how to lie. What a dumbass, right?
Smokey: Totally.
Woman: You’re not like Jacob. You’re…special.

“Special? Like me? Right? Special like me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?” *crickets*

Smokey: What’s out there across the sea, Mother?
Audience: *lol episode title*
Woman: Pay no attention to the world across the sea! The island is all that exists, trust me.
Smokey: Then where did I come from?
Woman: Immaculate conception. That’s really going around these days.

Smokey: What is death, Mother?
Audience: This kid’s lived on an island for 13 years and has never seen a dead animal? WTF?
Woman: Don’t worry about death my boy, I’ve taken care of that. *WINK*
Smokey: What does that even mean?
Audience: YEAH, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?

***

Later, the Lost Boys are frolicking through the jungle after a wild boar (seriously, how did this kid not know what DEATH was? LOL) when all of the sudden they hear something up ahead!

It looks as though a couple of Lord of the Rings extras have wandered onto the set, and they kill the boar with their Elven-made swords or some shit, and the boys freak out and run home.

Apparently while they didn’t know what death was, they immediately knew what men looked like, despite never having seen another soul in their lives.

Boys: There are men on the island!
Woman: They’re not supposed to be here.
Boys: And we are?
Woman: We are here for a reason!
Locke: I believe that’s my line?

Boys: What reason?
Woman: It’s not time for you to know yet!
Eloise: And I believe that’s my line!

Woman: People are dangerous. They come. They fight. They destroy. They corrupt. It always ends the same.
Adult Smokey: And that would be my line.

Woman: Just remember what I’ve always taught you boys.
Boys: God loves a workin’ man, and don’t trust Whitey.
Woman: Very good.

Boys: But we’re people too, will we hurt/destroy/corrupt each other?
Woman: I’ve made it so you can never hurt each other.
Boys: Oh!
Audience: No, not, “Oh!” PLZ TO BE EXPLAINING THIS. THANKS.

So their mother shows the twins this magical glowy cave of wonder that is emanating this bright golden light! And she tells them that this Hot Pocket of energy is why they’re there – to protect it! This light in the cave is inside every man, and since they’re so greedy they always want more of it. So their job is to make sure the men don’t find it because if they steal it, and the light goes out here, the light goes out everywhere.

Audience: So there is a magical “cave” full of warm, glowing “light” that all men “want,” but can’t have because it will sully mankind’s “innocence?”
Lost Writers: Precisely.
Audience: Paging Dr. Freud!

So anyway this Woman tells the boys that one of them will come to protect this giant vagina Magic Cave someday, and the kids are pretty stoked about it.

***

Lil’ Smokey’s like, “Okay so this is how it works. Two players. Two sides. One is light, one is dark.”

*clears throat*

Jacob says he’s not down with Smokey making up the rules as he goes along, and Smokey tells him that it’s okay – one day Jacob will make up his own game and everyone else will have to follow his rules! Jacob just doesn’t realize yet that his game will involve mirrors and crashed planes and Manscara and Flannery O’Connor novels and New Kids on the Block lunchboxes.

Then Ghost Mom shows up and tells Smokey that she wants to show him where he came from, and I don’t think she means Allison Janney’s – uh – magical glowy cave.

Which totally reminded me of when Ben’s mom came to visit him when he was just a Villain-in-Training.

Anyway, Jacob being the not ~*special*~ one of course couldn’t see this chick, and Smokey went to follow the woman without telling Jacob what he was doing because apparently their fake mom never gave them the “never talk to strangers” lesson.

She lead him to Ye Olde Othertowne, where the other people from her shipwreck had been living all these years!

Ghost Mom told Lil’ Smokey all about how he really did come from across the sea, and that these are his people, and that she was his real mom! She even told him about her Death By Coconut!

So Smokey runs back home and wakes up Jacob so they can go start their new lives as Lord of the Rings extras, but Jacob freaks out and beats the shit out of Smokey! The Woman can hear the angst from a mile away and when she finds the boys, Smokey is spilling the beans!

“Mother is a liar and a murderer and creepy and sadistic and overbearing and so overprotective that she cast a magical spell over us that we can’t hurt each other? I mean seriously? She is a crazy bitch, Jacob!”

“You kiss your mother with that mouth!?”

Smokey: I WOULD IF YOU HADN’T KILLED HER, YOU HOMICIDAL MANIAC! I’M GOING TO LIVE WITH THE OTHERS, BITCH.
Woman: Looks like somebody woke up today with a case of the Mommy Issues!

Right before he went storming off toward Ye Olde Othertowne, the Woman told Smokey he’d never be able to leave the island!

Smokey: DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CANT DO! *stomps away*
Audience: Well why not?
Lost Writers: Don’t worry about it.
Audience: Can’t you just explain it a little?
Lost Writers: Every question we answer will simply lead to…
Audience: Yeah, yeah, that’s what we thought you’d say.

So later on, Jacob and the Woman have a heart to heart on the beach in which the Woman explains that she had to kill Minnie Driver in order to keep Jacob and Smokey good. Because nothing says “good” like murdering a woman and stealing her newborn babies!

Jacob: Why do you love Smokey more than me? It’s always Marcia this and Marcia that! Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Woman: Uhhh…I love you in different ways. I love Smokey because he’s a special and unique snowflake that’s meant to save mankind. I love you because I have you totally whipped.
Jacob: No wonder I turned out to be such a dickhead.

***

30 years later…

***

Jacob: Do you like my beautiful tapestry, Mother? It’s a portrait of you.
Woman: …it’s…beautiful…
Jacob: Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It’s probably the best tapestry I’ve ever made.
Woman: It’s really…neat.

So apparently Jacob’s been going to visit his brother secretly all this time! Who’d a thunk it!?

“Heyyy brother!”

Jacob: How do you always win? This game blows ass.
Smokey: Yo bro – hate the player, don’t hate the game.
Jacob: How about I hate both? J slash K, brother. You know I heart you.

Jacob: Was Mommy Dearest right about these plebes after all? They don’t seem so bad.
Smokey: That’s easy to say from up on that high horse of yours. As a whole mankind is…

“…greedy…”

“…manipulative…”

“…untrustworthy…”

“…and selfish.”

Smokey explains that people may suck, but they’re a means to an end – they’re going to help him get off this island! And with that he takes the special dagger we’ve seen so much this season and throws it at this well, and it sticks to the side, and Smokey’s all, “FUCKIN’ MAGNETS, HOW DO THEY WORK?”

Smokey: We figured out a way to get off this island. Come with us!
Jacob: But Mother says we can’t leave.
Smokey: Well I’m leaving, I don’t care what that crazy old hag says.
Jacob: Welllll…will you look at the time?
Smokey: You’d better not go and tell her what I’m doing!
Jacob: Of course I won’t, what kind of brother do you think I am?

Jacob: …so I think he’s leaving soon. Also, he called you a hag.
Woman: Good boy.

***

So the Woman pays a visit to Smokey, who is working down in his magical magnetic well!

Woman: So you’ve found the light? And the other people have seen it too?
Smokey: Yes.
Woman: You have no idea how dangerous…you have no idea what that light IS!

Smokey: WE HAVE NO IDEA BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T TELL US WHAT IT IS.
Audience: HEY WAIT, THAT IS OUR LINE!

Smokey explains that they are going to harness the power of the light with a system that uses water and that big ass donkey wheel, and when it’s all done they’re gonna turn the wheel and he’ll get off the island!

So like, PAPER hasn’t been invented yet, but these people can make a freaking island-moving time machine. Right, right.

Smokey drops his “I’m special” line again, he tells her he’s leaving and that this is goodbye. So she gives him a tearful hug and then crushes his head into a jelly on the well wall. Crush crush crush.

But she apologized before she did it. So I guess in her mind that means it’s okay.

***

The Woman wakes Jacob up in the middle of the night to tell him that the time has come – it’s his turn to protect the light! Whatever the frak that means!

Jacob: What’s down there?
Woman: It’s the source of life, the universe, and everything.
Jacob: …wut?
Woman: It’s the heart of the island. The source of life and death and rebirth.
Jacob: Okay, so…can I touch it?

Woman: No. To touch it would be to suffer a fate worse than death. It’s the worst thing ever, basically. Never, ever, EVER go in there. Blech. *shudders*
Jacob: How do you know so much about it? Did you touch it?
Woman: …
Jacob: Mother?
Woman: Now STFU and take this wine!

Woman: Do you, Jacob, take the island to be your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?
Jacob: Aw gee, Mother, if I gotta.
Woman: Well you do gotta. And then one day you will find your own replacement. I highly recommend stealing babies, it seemed to work out pretty well.

Woman: If anyone feels this couple should not be united in Holy Matrimony, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Jacob: Wait a second, you always wanted it to be him, but now I’m all you’ve got so I’m the one who has to do this?

Woman: Nooo…uh…it was always supposed to be you, baby!
Jacob: O RLY?
Woman: YA RLY. And anyway, you don’t have a choice.
Jacob: Wait a minute, wha?
Woman: Bottom’s up!

And Jacob drank the magical wine, and the Woman said they were the same now, whatever the hell that means.

***

Meanwhile, Smokey awakens from his little nap to find that his crazy bitch of a mother has filled in his well!

Audience: Seriously? How could an old woman fill in a giant well all by herself like that?
Lost Writers: idk maybe she’s Smokey Part I?
Audience: @_@

The possibility that the Woman is also a Smoke Monster makes even more sense once we see what she managed to do to the village! I mean…HOLY SHIT! She has made a Mess O’ Potamia! There are barbecued Others all over the damn place!

“Mother, I guess you could say you really…”

“…CHARMED THEM.”

“…go to your room.”

***

If she thought her day was already tough, she had another thing coming. Smokey saw all the death and destruction the Woman doled out and lost it.

Well, in Otherville they say that Smokey’s black heart got three times more evil that day!

He took his magic dagger, and without letting the Woman utter a word (sound familiar??) he stabbed her right in the gut!!!

And he’s all, “Why didn’t you let me leave?” and she’s all, “Because I love you!” and we’re like “That is a lame excuse!”

But then she THANKS him for killing her, and we start to realize that OMG she had to have known this was going to happen! That’s why she made Jacob marry the island! Because her time was over! ‘Cause nothin lasts forever.

Even cold November rain.

*sweet ass guitar solo*

And then we finally got to see the thing that many of us have been waiting to see for like 5 years. ;lfkas;’dlkfa’l;dsfk;lds

Smokey: Brother! You should have seen what she did!
Jacob: I AM A HOT LITTLE POTATO RIGHT NOW, YOU’D BETTER SHUT YOUR YAP, MISTER.
Smokey: You can’t kill me! She made it so you can’t kill me!
Jacob: I’LL DO YOU ONE BETTER.

So he literally sends his brother up the river, and he lets his body float right down the magical waterfall!!!!!! And we’re like OMGWTF Z;SK’A;SDKFA’;SDL

Jacob, immediately regretting his little mantrum, stands there for a moment before we hear it – TCH-TCH-TCH-TCH TCH-TCH-TCH-TCH a’;sdlfka;l’sdfksd

AND SMOKEY COMES FLYING OUT OF THE CAVE, ALL “I’M A MOOOOONSTEEEERRRR!!!!!!!!” AGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

So I guess Jacob felt kind of bad that he just caused his brother’s soul to be ripped out of his body OR WHATEVER THE HELL JUST HAPPENED because he sits there and weeps over his sibling’s corpse.

And Shannon and Boone are like, “Yes, it all feels very familiar, we know.”

***

So Jacobs carries Smokey’s body to the caves, where he lays him down next to his mother’s body, and he makes the two bodies hold hands because that’s not super creepy/Oedipal or anything.

Lost Writers: Check this out, we just wanted to remind you guys that…
Audience: Adam and Eve? Trust us, we didn’t forget!
Lost Writers: No, we just wanted to remind you guys that there was a time Matthew Fox didn’t wax his chest. LOL.

But Locke (the REAL Locke, none of this Flocke-ness Monster/Sideways Locke bull) reminded us about Adam and Eve anyway…

…and it was hard for us hardcore Lost nerds not to get goosebumps, amiright??

So Jacob said a eugoogly for his family, and walked back home, hoping there was still some magic wine left somewhere for him.

“Island, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

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This week on Lost, Jack can’t stop fixing Locke, Christian Shephard’s kids start bonding, Sawyer’s cunning plan of escape totally doesn’t work, and thanks to Smokey’s penchant for explosives, the death toll quickly rises.

“Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!”

Locke: Wait…I know you.
Jack: Right, we were on the same fli…
Locke: You’re that Party of Five guy!
Jack: No no, you must be mistaken.
Locke: But…but I could swear you’re him. You look just like him.
Jack: …
Locke: …
Jack: *clears throat awkwardly*
Locke: Wrong Sideways World?
Jack: Wrong Sideways World.

Locke: I’m in the hospital? Hey, wha happened?
Jack: Someone with Anti-Locke Brakes seems to have run you down in a parking lot. The bad news is you’re paralyzed from the waist down. The good news is you were totally already like that when you came here.
Locke: Well I’d say thanks right about now but somehow I feel like you’re not quite done trying to fix me.
Jack: So I think you’re a Candidate for this crazy new surgery that lets people with your kind of injury magically walk again!
Audience: *lol way early episode title*

And Locke’s like, “Oh…no thanks. I’ve got my wheelchair. It’s the best thing since legs.” And we’re all thinking Wow that’s what I thought he’d say except the total opposite!

And before Jack could even get out the words, “I’m a fixer, let me FIX YOU” Helen was up in his grill giving him hugs and stuff! Lucky for Locke, Helen’s not some hot Italian chick or else Jack would probably be making out with her in the parking garage by the commercial break.

***

“My dear guest, I am Mr. Jarrah, your host. Welcome to Fantasy Hydra Island.”

Jack: Why are we over here?
Sayid: To find ze plane, ze plane!
Ack’s Readers Born in the 90′s: I don’t know what that means.

***

Meanwhile, Widmore’s annoying lackies order Team Sawyer into the polar bear cages, but Sawyer’s not having it and he pulls a gun on Neville Longbottom! But Widmore puts the kibosh on any kind of resistance when he holds a gun to Kate’s head.

Widmore: I have a list of names, and Austen’s not one of them. It doesn’t matter to me if she lives or dies!
Audience: Welcome to our world.

But since Sawyer likes Kate more than most of us do, he gives in and everyone gets thrown into the cage.

Widmore: This is for your own good. It’s going to hurt me more than it hurts you.
Everyone in the Cage: Great. You’re the like abusive dad I ALREADY HAD.

***

So now Jack’s got it in his head that for whatever reason he needs to find out what caused Locke’s original spinal injury, so he goes snooping around at a dentist’s office…

“Dr. Nadler? I’m Dr. Jack Shephard, I’m here to…”

Bernard: Pork my wife? Yeah. I know. You made it pretty damn clear on the plane when you were undressing her with your eyes.
Jack: Uhhh…I’m not sure what you think happened on that plane, but…
Bernard: Deny it all you want, doc. But I know what a hot piece of tail my Rose is. She’s a babe. If she was president, she’d be Baberham Lincoln.
Jack: I have absolutely NO idea what you’re referring to. I was definitely not hitting on your wife. No way.
Bernard: Methinks thou dost protest too much.

“Look, I’m really here to ask you about a patient named John Locke you had a few years ago. I’m showing a ridiculous/creepy amount of interest in him, and I’ll bet anything you’ll remember right off the top of your head all the details of his case from 3 years ago.”

“Ah yes, John Locke. Suffered from a case of Spontaneous Dental Hydroplosion after an accident if memory serves. Here’s the name and A/S/L of the other man in the crash, I hope it helps. Finally all that time I spent memorizing my patients’ records came in handy.”

Jack: Thanks for your help. And say hi to Rose for me. After all, I do like my women like I like my coffee. Strong. Black. And proud.
Bernard: I knew it!

***
Mocke: Let’s go save some people!
Jack: Why should I trust you?
Mocke: Look, I am out here for YOU. You don’t know what it’s like to be ME out here for YOU. It’s an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege I will never fully tell you about, okay??
Jack: …
Mocke: Help me help you. Help me help you. HELP ME HELP YOU!!!

Jack: You are hanging on by a very thin thread. And I dig that about you. Alright, I’m in!
Mocke: Great! BTW I could kill you all at any time. Just give me a good reason and you’re dead meat.
Jack: Well, now I really feel like trusting you.

***

Back in the cages, Kate’s all, “Widmore would have never killed me, I’m Kate Austen. I’m integral to the plot and stuff!” but Sawyer oh-so gently breaks it to her that while her name was on that cave with the others, it was crossed out, and therefore Widmore could give a flying frak if she survives the night!

“So I was thinking, possible last night on earth…you…me…polar bear cages…maybe we could…ya know…nudge nudge, wink wink, how’s your father?”

“Well, if you insist…I want to cry so bad, but I don’t think I can spare the moisture.”

Jin: You know what would be really weird? If during this scene we spoke to each other in English.
Sun: Seriously!
Jin: Our daughter is adorable, I can’t wait to finally meet her!

Sun: I have your wedding ring that magically never fell out of my pocket despite all the adventures I’ve been having!
Jin: I am the luckiest man alive! This really must be too good to be true!

Sun: I am so glad the writers finally have us in the same place at the same time! I’ve never been happier!
Audience: Ahhh finally!!! We feel so much better!
Lost Writers: Well this is awkward…

But before we had a chance to ask the writers what the problem was, an angry Dot Matrix-sounding mofo was flying through the jungle, totally annihilating everyone it came into contact with!

Including Neville Longbottom, who went down like a sack full of Mimulus Mimbletonia! Kate saw he had the key to the cage on his belt, and so she did a dramatic reenactment of that scene from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride!

But it really wasn’t necessary because Jack was there with Smokey, although he sadly didn’t ride him in waving a cowboy hat over his head.

Kate: What are you doing here??
Jack: I’m with him! *points to Smokey*
Kate: You’re with – what!? What a sell out!
Jack: I didn’t sell out Kate, I bought in!

Later on Iraqi Eeyore meets up with everyone in the jungle. “I know you want to shoot me. It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

But then Jack explains that Sayid helped them all escape from Widmore’s evil clutches! Plus, he could come in handy later on in case they needed to cash in on any of his MacGyver skills.

Jack: Like for instance, in case we need a radio fixed, or a bomb defused…
Audience: There had not better be a bomb!
Lost Writers: …ahem…

***

Back in the Sideways World, Jack is following up Bernard’s lead about this Anthony Cooper guy who was in the same accident with Locke. Of course he bumps into Helen at the hospital, and she’s like, “John said he didn’t want the surgery. You already saved his life. Why can’t that be enough?”

Jack’s reply managed to encapsulate his entire character in 3 words: “It just isn’t.” He is just the fixiest fixer that has ever fixed, apparently.

And then we see Cooper, who kind of looks like if Emperor Palpatine saw a ghost, had a stroke, and got struck by lightning simultaneously! But we didn’t give a shit because that dude is the World’s Biggest Dickhead!

(Although…the thought of Sawyer finding and killing this dude is just way too pathetic.)

“Well, this visit has really helped my quest to understand what happened to Locke. Not.”

(Sidenote: We all wondered how/why Locke got along with Cooper in the Sideways World – maybe this accident of theirs happened while Cooper was conning Locke out of a kidney, in which case Locke is better off this way! But I digress…)

***

They say this cat Mocke is a bad mother-
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I’m talkin’ ’bout Mocke.
WE CAN DIG IT!

Step 1: Deflect bullets.
Step 2: Break red blue shirt necks.
Step 3: Swipe watch off dead guy to build bomb.
Step 4: Hey wait, how did you know you’d need a watch if you hadn’t even found the C-4 yet?
Step 5: Oh Mocke, you tricksy bastard.
Step 6: Climb up ladder stolen from Gilligan’s Island set.

While it wasn’t apparently news to Smokey, that whole plane was rigged with explosives! It was no surprise he took them, considering Locke (or the evil entity posing as Locke) + C-4 = giant fucking explosions!

Eventually everyone else shows up and they don’t even get excited about the plane – they know this whole plan is probably going to go right into the shitter faster than you could even list the other umpty-ump plans they’ve had to escape this confounded island.

Mocke: Widmore’s plan was obviously to get you all into a very confined space and then blow you all to kingdom come.
Everyone Else: Oh, the horror. The horror. *yawn*
Mocke: I’m so glad I caught it in time! *thinking* My, what a capital idea. Get them all into a confined space and then explode them. Perfect!
Everyone Else: What are we gonna do?
Mocke: Well, we need to keep you safe. Die! Die you little pissants!
Everyone Else: There really only seems to be one way off this island.
Mocke: Yes, in the icy grip of Death itself! MWA HA HA!!!!!!!

“…”

DAMN! Was that out loud?? “DID I SAY DEATH? I meant…uh…to the submarine!”

Claire: Hey Big Daddy, I’m really sorry I went with them on the boat. I should have stayed with you. But they were giving me puppy dog eyes and whatnot.
Mocke: It’s alright, Clairebear. Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
Audience: Stop being so rational, it’s making it much harder to hate you!

Sawyer: I am actually plotting against Smokey. Do you want to form a secret alliance with me?
Jack: Absolutely, I do.

“I learned from Jim, if Sawyer ever asks you to accept something secret, you reply, “Absolutely, I do.”

So it was settled – Jack still didn’t want to leave the island, but he’d keep Mocke from climbing inside the sub with everyone else.

***

Locke’s doing that thing that only ever happens on TV and in movies where he’s mumbling whole sentences in his sleep. He’s all, “Push the button,” and “I wish you would have believed me,” and “Don’t tell me what I can’t fondue” and whatever!

And Jack’s sitting there staring at him, and we’re all wondering if Jack, like House, only ever has one patient at a time, amiright??

Anyway Claire shows up to chat with her newfound bro, and her ridiculously fake pregnant belly actually detracts from her ridiculously fake wig for like 5 seconds.

Jack: Our father drank himself to death in Sydney. I just flew out there last week to bring his body home.
Claire: You are never going to believe this, but…
Jack: Let me guess, you were on Oceanic flight 815?
Claire: Oh em gee, are you psychic or something??
Jack: Dammit Claire, I’m a doctor, not a psychic! But I am starting to sense a theme going on here.

Apparently Christian left Claire this music box that plays “Catch a Falling Star!” Either he was a huge Perry Como fan, or this totally means something. (After all, some other crazy jungle preggo we know had a music box that she loved, riiight?)

And then Jack and Claire did the mirror thing, which is just all the rage these days.

“Look, I know we just met, but I have a spare bedroom in my house that I’d like you to stay in. It’s really for my son, but we just recently reconciled and I don’t see that lasting very long.”

Claire: Wow. Wow. Everyone acts like Americans are so selfish, but you guys are SO NICE! I have a new carjacker BFF, that Scottish guy forced me to see his lawyer friend who told me my whole family history, and now my total stranger half-brother is asking me to move in with him. Amazing! So yes! the answer is yes, Joe. I will stay with you.
Jack: Jack. My name’s Jack.
Claire: Right, Jack. Thanks, brother. I’ll try not to let my water break on your carpet.

***

Meanwhile, the gang has found the sub, and they are ready to perform a hostile takeover. Good thing they all stopped at Guns R Us on the way, it would have sucked if they weren’t all inexplicably armed!

At first, Sawyer’s cunning escape plan seems to be working! They get people down into the sub, a couple of seamen (lol) get conked on the head and voila! The sub is theirs, and even though they’re happy their plan worked, no doubt this thing will go down in Lost cannon as the Submarine of Sorrow or something ;_;

They just don’t know it yet.

Mocke: Don’t stay behind, come with us!
Jack: No thanks.
Mocke: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone on this island? I want you on Team Smokey 4 lyfe!
Jack: You don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel. So long, Mocke.
Mocke: Whoever told you you had to stay here was wrong! They had no idea what they were talking about! You can’t stay here!
Jack: In the immortal words of John Locke, DON’T. TELL. ME. WHAT. I. CAN’T. DO!!!!!

And he threw him in the water!!!! But the joke is on Jack because before this outburst, Mocke switched his C-4 pack with Jack’s. UH-OH.

And then Kate got shot!!!

Half of the Audience: YAY!!!!!!
Other Half of the Audience: NOOO!!!!!!!!!

Ah yes, doctors are shooting people. Must be Tuesday.

And then Smokey proved he likes going in the water as much as my cats do! Which is to say not at all!

Everyone but Claire and Smokey are in the sub now, and Mocke picks off Widmore’s goons one by one while showing off his moobs in that soaking wet t-shirt of his.

Sawyer makes a quick decision to leave Smokey and Claire behind! Half because they are dangerous and half because staring at those moobs has him a little turned on!

So they start to dive, and at first Mocke’s acting like he still wants on, but then Claire realizes they’re leaving without them, and Mocke immediately flips and he’s like, “You don’t want to be on that sub. Bad things will go boom inside. Now let’s go for some ice cream, my treat.”

***

Down in the sub, every single character is playing the exact role we’ve all come to expect!

Kate: Where is Claire? I’M GOING BACK.
Jack: Oh no you’re not, you’ve been shot, you’re staying right here!
Kate: Okay, only if you say so Jack.

*finds bomb* “I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.”

“SON OF A BITCH.”

“DUDE. MAN? DUDE.”

*stands around and watches*

“I CAN DEFUSE THIS BOMB. MAYBE. I’m going to need a slap bracelet, some Gruyère cheese, a wheat penny, and a ball peen hammer.”

“NO. SMOKEY CAN’T KILL US, HE WANTS US TO KILL EACH OTHER. IF WE DEFUSE THIS BOMB HE WINS! DON’T YOU SEE? WE ARE PLAYING RIGHT INTO HIS PLAN, BUT IT IS OUR FATE TO MAKE IT OUT OF THIS SUBMARINE ALIVE! MAN OF SCIENCE MAN OF FAITH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!”

Sawyer: I’M GONNA DO IT!
Jack: NO! DIDN’T YOU JUST HEAR ANYTHING I SAID??
Sawyer: HAVEN’T YOU EVER SEEN THIS SHOW?? YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND THEN I DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE!

So Sawyer pulls out the wires since no one could find any pennies or cheese, and for one brief moment we think that it actually worked!!!

BUT THEN THE THING STARTS TICKING DOWN EVEN FASTER!!!!!!!! AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Sayid: There is a well on the island. Desmond is inside. Mocke wants him dead which means you’re going to need him.
Jack: Why are you telling me this!?
Sayid: Because it’s going to be you, Jack!
Jack: WAIT WHAT!?
Audience: YEAH WAIT WHAT!?

And before we even realize what is happening, and before we have any time to even begin to think about saying our goodbyes to Sayid, who has sucked this year but we still loved him anyway, he grabs the bomb and goes running off into the other side of the sub, and explodes like a goddamn suicide bomber.

Way to perpetuate stereotypes, Lost.

JUST KIDDING, LOST. He exploded himself to save the others, which is noble and heroic and the nicest thing he’s ever done.

GOODBYE, SAYID. ;_; We’ll miss your tank tops and torcha schrunchies and creepy long nails and questionable morals and dead girlfriends and your flat-ironed flashforward hair and the way you killed bad guys with both your feet and large household appliances. SIGH.

Frank gets nailed by a door leaving us all wondering is he dead?? Is he alive?? (PSST – Listen to this week’s Official Lost Podcast for the answer!)

Anyway the bomb ripped a hole in the side of the sub, so this thing’s filling with water fast!! Hurley grabs Kate and they swim to safety!!!

But Sun is pinned to the wall!!! All the guys try and pry her free, but no dice! And then Sawyer gets smashed on the head and gets knocked out cold!!!

Jack grabs Sawyer and tries to help the Kwons, but they force him to go on without them!!! And that’s when we all started to Jear up a little ;_;

Jin: Know what would be really weird right now? If we spoke to each other in English while we both drown.
Sun: And also forget our daughter.
Jin: What daughter?
Sun: Exactly!

But Sun told him to go and save himself, and it was super sad!

But Jin told her that he was never going to leave her again!! Which was even MORE sad!!!!!!

Sun: I love you, Jack!
Jin: Don’t you do that, don’t say your goodbyes!
Sun: I’m so cold.
Jin: Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and make lots of babies, and you’re gonna watch them grow. You’re gonna die an old… an old lady warm in her bed, but not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?
Sun: I can’t feel my body.

Jin: You must do me this honor, Rose. Promise me you’ll survive. That you won’t give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise.
Sun: I promise.
Jin: Never let go.
Sun: I’ll never let go. I’ll never let go, Jack!

Jack: Do you hear someone talking about us?
Rose: Oh good, you heard it too?

So despite the fans’ constant pleas, we had to go through yet ANOTHER super slo-mo underwater death scene, only this one was two people and not just one.

BRB. CRYING FOREVER. ;___________;

***

“So I know this was totally stalkery of me to do, but I talked to your dentist and your dad, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t let your daddy issues hinder your ability to let me fix you. And also walk.”

As it turns out, John “FML” Locke crashed a tiny plane a few years ago and his dad was riding with him. The accident paralyzed Locke and turned his father into Palpatine, and so as is the Lost way, he’s punishing himself for something he most likely had no control over in the first place!

Jack: Trust me, All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues, but you can’t blame yourself for The Incident. Whatever Happened, Happened! You just weren’t cut out to be a Pilot! And anyway, who cares? The Whole Truth is he was a Confidence Man and you were Left Behind to be Raised by Another. The Collision was probably for The Greater Good! It didn’t have to be The Beginning of the End. Let me do the surgery. It could really Do No Harm, and then maybe you’ll live Happily Ever After.
Locke: …no.
Jack: Some Like it Hoth?
Locke: No! You can’t handle your own daddy issues, so stay out of mine! Later, Jater.

As he rolled his way down the corridor, Locke heard Jack say, “I wish you believed me,” which reminded him of this dream he just had the other night…something about buttons, polar bears, hatches, and time travel. And for some reason…fondue.

***

So while the last of the Submarine of Sorrow sunk sadly to the ocean floor, Hurley, Kate, Jack, and Sawyer all made it to the beach relatively intact.

(Sidenote: I know a lot of people had something to say about all the minorities being killed in the sub, but seriously guys, Lost has had people of every color and race on this show over the last 6 seasons. Much more than most other shows. Don’t forget that when they happen to kill off 3 of them.)

When Kate learned about Sun and Jin’s watery demise, she started crying, which wasn’t so bad since she does it all the damn time…

But then HURLEY lost it, which NEVER happens, and so since HE was bawling, WE all started bawling!!! The snot was flying fast and loose, the tears were streaming down our faces, and for once we think, “You know, it would actually be okay if Jack cried right now!”

AND GOD SAID LET THERE BE JEARS. AND IT WAS GOOD. Albeit hilarious considering he walked away from the group to cry the one time it was socially acceptable to cry in front of them.

But it’s aight because those were some pretty epic Jears, you guys. ;________________;

***

Oblivious as ever Claire’s like, “Big Daddy? I was promised ice cream. Let’s do this thing.”

But Mocke had to skip it for now, as much as he loved Chunky Monkey. Not only did he somehow know the sub sank, but he also knew some of the Candidates survived. And that shit just wasn’t gonna fly.

You can find all my Lost Recaps HERE.

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Do not fret, my pets. Listed below are all the Season 6 recaps so far. Enjoy :D

Lost Recap 6×01 & 6×02: LA X
Lost Recap 6×03: What Kate Does
Lost Recap 6×04: The Substitute
Lost Recap 6×05: The Lighthouse
Lost Recap 6×06: Sundown
Lost Recap 6×07: Dr. Linus
Lost Recap 6×08: Recon
Lost Recap 6×09: Ab Aeterno
Lost Recap 6×10: The Package
Lost Recap 6×11: Happily Ever After
Lost Recap 6×12: Everybody Loves Hugo
Lost Recap 6×13: The Last Recruit

This week on Lost, Jack and Claire do some family bonding, Sawyer takes charge, Sayid tries to whack Desmond, Sun and Jin finally reunite, and more crap explodes.

So everyone has met up at Camp Mocke-awana, and Smokey asks to rap with Jack in the woods for a sec…

“What the hell are you?”

“I’m the Boogie Man, Jack. The Führer of Fury, The Tyrant of Terror, His Royal Highness of Horror. I’m the thing that goes bump in the night, Jack. And I want you to join my Army of Champions.”

Jack: So you took on the form of John Locke? Why him? Was it the bald thing, or are you just a fan of moobs?
Mocke: John Locke was sucker enough to think he had a Special Destiny and that he was some kind of ~*Chosen One*~. Not that I know anyone else with such delusions of grandeur.
Jack: I have no idea who you could be referring to.

“Riiight. Look, I needed a corpse to possess, and Locke was the first dead guy I came across. The moobs were just a bonus.”

“The third day I was here I chased my dead father through the jungle. It was super creepy and Jears-filled. Was that you too?”

Mocke: Jack, I WAS YOUR FAAATHER. Sure, I could have thought of much less creepy ways to lead you to water, but hey – I’ve been here a long ass time and I need to get my kicks somehow.
Jack: Dick. So what do you want with us now?
Mocke: I’m blowing this pop stand once and for all, and to do that I need all you knuckleheads to come with me.

***

Meanwhile, on Rescue 911…

Locke’s just been turned into roadkill via Desmond “Vehicular Homicide” Hume, and he’s being rushed to the hospital! Even though he’s on the verge of passing out he’s telling the medics to call Helen, and he’s all like, “Now I’ll never dance at my wedding” or something!

Paramedic: What is this man’s name?
Ben: Uhhh…Mr. Locke. I don’t know his first name. I took advice from him that nearly ended my career the day after I met him, but I never quite caught his name.
Paramedic: Well that’s kind of weird.
Ben: I know, right?

So anyway they get to the hospital and Locke is being wheeled in next to Sun, who was just shot right in the baby by Patchy! And I guess since she’s having a near death experience, she recognizes Locke!

But I guess since Sun was never in love with Locke, she’s totally scared of him!! How does that even work!?

***

“Clairebear, what did I tell you about lurking sinisterly in the bushes like that?”

“Sorry Big Daddy, it’s just that I’m filled with slightly less hate and paranoia since you’re standing next to my brothah from anothah mothah.”

“Claaaire! It’s so good to see you! My very own ax-wielding bastard half-sister. What more could a man want?”

“Well, I was hoping you’d want to join Team Mocke. Because you’re coming with us now. Whether you like it or not. I guess no one really mentioned this, but once he talks to you, there is no escaping the vice-like grip he has on your mind.”

“Ummm no! No one mentioned that tiny little detail! Awesome! Oh and by the way? I know we’re in a jungle being lead around by a monster, and we’re both emotionally broken, and I’m pretty sure you have lice, but this is still the most functional family get-together I’ve ever had. So kudos, sister.”

***

Sawyer: So just act like you’re going along with Mocke for now, and I’ll put my cunning escape plan into action.
Hurley: Okay, and Sayid’s invited too, right? Despite his depression? I heard he started taking Zombutrin for it…
Sawyer: No way, Sayid’s gone to the Dark Side.

“But some people can come back from the Dark Side. I mean, look at Anakin.”

Sawyer: Who the hell is Anakin?
Hurley: You should know who Anakin is, you’re chock full of Star Wars references.
Sawyer: Lookit Hugo, I’m the Han Solo in this scenario, am I not?
Hurley: Obviously.
Sawyer: And Han Solo wasn’t in the prequels.
Hurley: Duh.
Sawyer: So Han Solo wouldn’t know him as Anakin, he would know him as Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith.
Hurley: LOL what a nerd!!!
Sawyer: Laugh it up, fuzzball!

And speaking of fuzzballs, at that moment Claire comes up to Hurley to say hi! And he’s like, “Wow Claire…you…look……*throws up in mouth a little*……..great!”

And Locke comes back with Jack, and he looks at everyone there together, and he’s like…

♪♪ Together again, gee it’s good to be together again!
I just can’t imagine that you’ve ever been gone,
It’s not starting over, it’s just going on! ♪♪

*jazz hands*

***

Lost Writers: Do you all know what time it is, kids?
Audience: SKATE O’CLOCK!!!!

“Arson, assaulting a federal officer, first degree murder…and off the record, it’s got to be illegal to be that hot.”

“I’m not a murderer. And I definitely smell a pork product of some type.”

Sawyer: I get it – bacon, pig, oink-oink, police officer. I said that to cops when I was your age. Hey if I’m such a pig, then how come I let you go last week when we were on that elevator? Funny we just keep bumping into each other like this.
Skaters: Skate = Fate!!!
Sawyer: I think someone’s trying to put us together.
Skaters: I guess all that praying worked?? ‘d;lk’;alsdkf;lasd

“I think you let me go because you went to Australia to kill the man who caused your parents’ deaths, but you didn’t want anyone to know. See, apart from being an arsonist, fugitive, boar tracker, and surrogate mother, I’m also a psychic.”

Sawyer: Oh I like you.
Skaters: Oh we like this scene.
Everyone Else: Oh we hate this scene.

But before any visits to some polar bear cages could be arranged, Det. Miles “Cockblock” Straum shows up to let Sawyer know that they’ve got bigger fish to fry – a certain Jheri-curled Iraqi fish, to be exact.

***

Kate: Sayid’s…different now.
Jack: That what happens when you die and are brought back to life by the Valedictorian of Villainy or whatever the hell he calls himself.

Then the island’s version of Kimmy Gibbler shows up uninvited again, and she’s saying that they all stole something that belonged to Team Widmore and they want it back or else!

Mocke: Or else what, exactly?
Zoe: Or else BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!!!!!!

So Zoe gives him a walkie-talkie and tells him to give her a jingle when they’re ready to hand over the hot Scottish package…

…to which Mocke basically replies, “I fart in your general direction” and he smashes the walkie to bits and goes, “Well, here we go!”

Which to me is like the writers going, “Here marks the beginning of the end! Please buckle your safety belts and make sure your hands and arms stay inside the vehicle at all times! Enjoy the ride!”

***

Back in the Sideways World, Desmond has blasted past Cupid status and is now hovering somewhere around restraining order territory when he “runs into” Claire just as she’s about to meet with an adoption agency! He’s pretty creepy. And he’s talking way faster than usual.

Desmond: I know this sounds a bit forward, but all these strangers have been telling me their deepest secrets lately so I thought maybe you could tell me why you’re going to an adoption agency without any sort of legal representation which I could provide for you considering we’ve met once for 10 seconds?
Claire: Uh…no thanks.
Desmond: Just come with me for 5 minutes and everything will be right as rain! You really don’t want to just give your baby away, I mean didn’t some psychic tell you that you were the one who had to raise him? Or wait – am I talking about the other timeline? Jesus I can’t keep this stuff straight anymore!
Audience: Now you know how we feel!

Anyway in the end Desmond manages to convince Claire to come see this lawyer friend of his, which just happens to be Ilana, who just happens to have been searching for Claire so she could listen to Christian Shephard’s will, which she just happens to be reading to Jack and his son in like 5 minutes!

I mean seriously, Lost. Come on now. This is starting to get entirely too silly.

***

Mocke: Good morning. In less than an hour, you will be launching one of the most important battles in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. Especially since I am neither a man, nor kind. Anyway, we will be united in our common interests. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, it will be known as the day the island declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
Team Mocke: SO SAY WE ALL! SO SAY WE ALL!

Mocke: Find my boat and bring it around to meet me at the beach. Can you handle that?
Sawyer: You got nothing to worry about, I’m a professional.
Mocke: A professional what?

But of course Sawyer’s got his own cunning escape plan, and it has nothing to do with helping Smokey. So he tells Jack to break away from the group and bring Sun, Hurley, and Lapidus so they can steal the boat and cash in on the deal with Widmore.

“But what about Sayid and Claire? Surely you can’t just leave them here.”

“Sayid’s about 4 minutes away from chowing down on some brains, and not only does Claire have a skull baby, she tried to stab Kate. Their rescue mission invites got lost in the mail. And please, don’t call me Shirley.”

***

Mocke reminds Iraqi Eeyore that if he wants to be with his zombie bride Nadia, he has to do what he says. He tells him to go find Desmond and kill him!!!

Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish for Nadia to come back to life.
Desmond: OCH!
Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish that when she comes back to life she’s all new and fresh and not like all decomposed and stuff.
Desmond: HEY YOO! KNOCK IT OFF!
Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish that she doesn’t mind that I’ve killed like a million people since she’s been dead.
Desmond: SAYID, BROTHAH, IF YOU’RE GONNA KEEP THROWING PENNIES DOWN THIS WELL WOULD YOU MIND THROWING DOWN THE ONE I’M MARRIED TO? *rimshot*

That’s when Sayid realizes Desmond’s actually sitting in a bloody heap at the bottom of the well, and he aims his gun right at him. Apparently Iraqi Eeyore doesn’t remember all the good times he and Desmond had together on the freighter :( Poor Desmond!!

Sayid: I’m sorry, but I keel you now.
Desmond: When that monster brings your wife back to life, do you really think she’s going to be down with the whole zombie thing?
Sayid: Excuse me?
Desmond: I mean you killed a guy to set her free in Iraq a million years ago, and she didn’t mind that. But the fact that you’ve been on a nonstop killing spree for like 2 years might bother her, amiright?

Sayid: *twitches*
Desmond: Beware the Dark Side. Anger, fear, aggression. The Dark Side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will!
Sayid: OW! My conscience!!
Desmond: Are you alright Sayid? You look like you might actually be feeling something…

***

In the Sideways World, Sayid shows up at Nadia’s house just long enough to tell her that he’s leaving right now, he can never come back again, and that he obviously totally sucks at keeping his temper in check.

Nadia: You left your torcha scrunchie here, I thought that meant you wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Sayid: I didn’t torcha anyone.
Nadia: Oh thank god!
Sayid: I simply murdered four men.
Nadia: You WHAT!?
Sayid: Later, hater. *runs away*

Then Miles shows up at the front door, he sees a half-packed suitcase sitting on the coffee table and he catches a whiff of Soul Glow in the air! Sayid might have escaped, but he can’t have gotten far!

It was already too late! Thanks to reverting to a Home Alone-style bad guy trap involving a hose, Sayid was caught by the fuzz before he even got out of Nadia’s backyard!

It was merely poetic justice that the man who killed by the household appliance should die get caught by the household appliance!

***

So Sawyer and Kate finally make it to this boat, and Sawyer’s all, “Thar she blows” and “You ready to get wet?” and those of us with gutter minds are having a good chuckle when Sawyer’s like “BTW we’re not meeting up with Mocke, we’re gonna go steal Widmore’s sub instead.”

And Kate’s all, “Not without my Claire!” and we/Sawyer can’t quite believe she still wants anything to do with that crazy bitch!

“TUNA! Are you KIDDING ME!? You’re seriously going to bring that knife-wielding maniac near a toddler?? You think Claire’s just going to get a shower and a change of clothes and magically join the PTA? I don’t think so.”

***

Jack asks Claire how long she’s “been with” Mocke, and she tells him it’s been since everyone else left because he’s the only one who never abandoned her. (Which is total BS considering when the Losties left the island they looked for her everywhere. It’s not their fault she was getting baked in that cabin with Christian, sheesh.)

Jack: Sorry we abandoned you, Claire.
Claire: That means a lot.
Jack: It won’t happen again.
Claire: Thanks, bro.
Jack: Hey Sun, Hurley, LaPenis and NOT CLAIRE, come on, we’re running away right now!

*Psycho theme playing*

***

“Where the hell have you been? I send you out on a simple kill-one-of-your-friends-in-cold-blood mission and you can’t hack it?”

Sayid: I did it, you jerk. Despite the fact that I haven’t shown any emotions since the beginning of the season, killing Desmond got me a little verklempt. Tawk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. An Apple Jack is neither an apple nor a Jack. Discuss.
Mocke: …
Sayid: Okay, I’m better.

But we all know he didn’t really kill Desmond, so let’s not get ourselves into a tizzy over that right now.

***

So Jack rolls up to the boat with his posse and everything seems like it actually went according to plan, and we’re like “There has to be a catch, this is Lost after all…”

And that’s when Crazy Town shows up ala Rousseau with a rifle and a surly disposition!

And then Claire and Kate have a Mother-Effing Face-Off!!

>: B

“Claire, you should come with us so you can terrorize your young, impressionable son.”

>: |

“Why aren’t you waiting for Sir Smokes-a-lot?”

>: 0

“That doesn’t matter! Come with us! You’re the only reason I came back to this island! I never should have raised Aaron! Sure I was there when he was born, and you abandoned him in the jungle to go off and live like a sewer rat, but you should be his mom now, not me.”

>: (

“Oh, alright. But if Mocke finds out you’re leaving, he’s gonna be angry. And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.”

***

David’s Mystery Mom: When will you have him back home?
Jack: Seven-ish, I think.
Audience: Plz to be telling us who that woman is. SOON.

Jack and David are going to hear Christian’s will being read, and David said he’s sad for Jack, and we’re like, “Kid trust us, he’s sad enough on his own, he doesn’t need help.”

Although it is nice to see that David might not grow up with a mountain of daddy issues like everyone else on this show, right?

Anyway, Jack and David go up to Ilana’s office, and they meet the very pregnant Claire, who’s like, “Hi nice to meet you, by the way I’m your sister lol.”

As soon as Jack hears this he starts doing the patented Shephard Head Squeeze, and my Jears-sense started tingling, but the flood gates came crashing down prematurely when he got a call from the hospital! After all, someone had to save Locke’s sad, pathetic little life!

***

Just when they were about halfway to Hydra Island, Jack oh so subtly lets Sawyer know that he thinks maybe they shouldn’t leave!!!

“It doesn’t feel right leaving this time. Maybe Mocke wants us to leave so badly because he’s afraid of what will happen if we stay.”

Sawyer: Get. Off. My. Damn. Boat.
Jack: LOL WHAT!?
Audience: YEAH, LOL WHAT!???
Sawyer: *brow furrowing at maximum levels*

“I mean…not to sound like Wheezy Hawking and Chuck Widmore, but I don’t think this island is done with us yet!”

Sawyer: I don’t care, I’m done with this island!
Jack: I never thought I’d say this, but this Man of Science has officially become the Man of Faith!! Praise Jeebus!
Sawyer: STFU and GTFO. NOW.

And Jack turns to Sawyer and he’s like, “Sorry I got Juliet killed, dude. My bad.” and then he jumps out of the boat screaming “GERONIMOOOOOO (Jackson)!!!!!!!!”

And Kate “I’m-Going-Back-to-Save-Him” Austen was all, “I’m going back to save him,” to which Sawyer replied, “NUH-UH” and told Kate it was high time for her to find another nickname.

***

And then for once Lost decided to go for the Super Happy Ending!! Not only is Sun okay after being shot, but the pea in her pod is fine too! And Jin’s like, “It’s over and we’re all going to be okay.”

(I couldn’t help but think if maybe that statement alone symbolizes this entire Sideways World, right??)

After Jack scrubs in for surgery and looks at the X-rays of this poor guy who was already paralyzed and then got run over by a hot Scotsman, he peeks down at the patient, and even though he can only see half of his face he’s like, “OMG I know this guy!!! That is TV and film’s Terry O’Quinn! Oooh how exciting!”

***

So Jack gets back to the island and is met by Smokey and Gang and Mocke’s like…

Mocke: Sawyer took my boat, didn’t he?
Audience: No shit he took your boat you retard, he’s James fucking Ford, he doesn’t take no shit from no one!
Jack: Yes, he took your boat.

***

Everyone else gets to the shore of Hydra Island in varying degrees of sexiness, and they’re ready to play Let’s Make a Deal with Widmore.

But then this stupid bitch shows up and ruins everything AGAIN like she seems to ALWAYS DO. UGH! DIE ALREADY, POOR MAN’S TINA FEY! WE ALL HATE YOU. GO BACK TO SELLING STRIPPER POLES ON YOUR GODDAMN WEBSITE AND GET OFF OUR TVS!!!

But I digress…

And then somehow the Lost writers managed to trick us into not expecting this from a million miles away, but all of the sudden the Sun-bot was just like O_O

AND JIN WAS ALL O_O

AND AFTER 3 YEARS, 2 SEASONS, AND A MILLION ANNOYING SUBPLOTS, SUN AND JIN WERE FINALLY REUNITED!!!!

‘SDFKLAL;’SDFKL;’ADSKF’;LAKSDF’;LKSD;L CUTEST THING EVER!!!!!!!

But before they even had a chance to un-hug, Zoe and her team of scientist thugs drop the bomb that Sawyer’s deal with Widmore is off, and Sawyer’s all WTF!? And Zoe is on the walkie and she’s like, “Okay we got ‘em, fire when ready,” and then they drop the REAL bombs on the other island!!!

AND THEN THIS HAPPENED!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!

LOST SEASON 6: IT’S DY-NO-MITE!!!

And Mocke, who is unsurprisingly not hurt at all, picks Jack up off the beach and carries him inland to make sure his pretty new pet isn’t hurt or anything!

And he’s like, “It’s going to be okay – you’re with me know” and we’re like “WAIT WHAT?? I THOUGHT JACK WAS WORKING AGAINST HIM, RIGHT??”

But at that moment a disoriented Jack can’t think of much of anything except how shiny Mocke’s head looks in the sunshine.

Finally, he looks up at Mocke and goes, “It’s tired in here!” and passes out immediately.

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This week on Lost, Hurley has a date with destiny, Michael says “Hi,” Ilana says, “Bye,” Mocke shows Desmond the inside of a well, and Desmond turns into a Hit (and Run) Man.

PF Chang: ..thanks to his insatiable appetite for delicious fried chicken and also philanthropy, our Man of the Year truly stands out as one righteous dude. It’s clear that Everybody Loves Hugo!
Audience: lol episode title

“Put your hands together (and I have two of them in Sideways World, bitches!) for Huuuuugoooooo Reyeeeees!”

It’s easy to see why everybody loves Hugo! I mean look at this guy! He’s like the rich guy we all claim we’d be if we magically became rich guys!

But not everyone is so impressed. His mom is all, “Oh sure, eeeverybody loves Hoo-go. You know who doesn’t love Hoo-go? Women.”

“Right, ma. Because a super nice bazillionaire wouldn’t have chicks throwing themselves at him all the time.”

(I mean seriously, for a show with Smoke Monsters and people that talk to ghosts, this might be one of the most unbelievable things they’ve ever attempted, amiright??)

“HOO-GO, MY INTERNAL GRANDMOTHER CLOCK IS TICKING. YOU NEED TO FIND A WOMAN SO YOU CAN MAKE ME SOME NIETOS. I set you up on a blind date with Rosalita. You’ll go and meet her at a cheap Mexican restaurant because that’s what a millionaire would do.”

***

On the island, Hurley is visiting Libby’s grave and letting her know that if she ever felt like recreating any scenes from Ghost with him, he’d be down with that.

Ilana: Whose grave?
Hurley: My Tailie almost-girlfriend who got murdered in Season 2.
Ilana: Man, that sucks when someone’s on the show for a while only to get killed off unexpectedly just when they were starting to get interesting.
Hurley: Speaking of which…how’s that dynamite coming along?
Ilana: I’m going to grab some from the infinite supply in the Black Rock. I’m going to blow up that plane if it’s the last thing I do.
Lost Writers: …lol.

Just as Ilana walked away, Hurley heard something whispering through the breeze that sounded kind of like, “waaaaaaaaaaaalt!!!1!” and we were like OH NUH-UH.

It was Michael! And he was as ornery as ever! And he’s like, “Listen to me, Hurley! If you blow up that plane, people are going to die. If you don’t blow up that plane, people are still going to die. But they will be people no one really cares about, so it’s the better option in this scenario.”

Jack: Who are you talking to? I thought I heard someone yelling about MAH BOY over here…
Hurley: It’s nothing, dude. Just the Ghost of Seasons Past.

***

So Hurley’s on this cheap ass blind date with NO ONE because I’m sure someone would really stand up a MILLIONAIRE, when all of the sudden this chick walks up to Hurley and is all…

Libby: Are your legs tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
Hurley: Are you Rosalita? I wasn’t expecting you to be so…
Libby: Pretty?
Hurley: Caucasian.

“Look, I know this sounds like a cheesy pickup line, but I think you’re my soul mate from another life! I often have visions of you and I together in a tropical paradise! Do you remember me? I’m definitely not crazy!”

“Please pay no attention to the crazy lady, sir. This Fajita Field Trip was clearly too much for her fragile little mind. Come now, Elizabeth.”

So Libby got carted away to the Cuckoo’s Nest, leaving Hurley bewildered, dejected, and smelling like enchiladas. But there was one thing he just had to say…

Hurley: Hey Doc!
Doctor: Yes?
Hurley: I loved you in X-Men!

***

After his ghost pow-wow with Michael, Hurley marched right over to Ilana and Manscara and he’s like “Dudes we can’t blow up the plane, there has to be another way!”

“Look. I know what I’m doing. I’ve been training for this my whole life. I’m a skilled mercenary. I’m not just some retard who has no idea how to handle super old dynamite. I mean, what do you take me for, some pissy high school science teach….”

ILANA’S T-N-T
SHE’S DYNAMITE
TNT, SHE WON’T WIN THE FIGHT
TNT, SHE’S A POWER LOAD
TNT WATCH HER EXPLOOOOODE!!!!!!!

So Hurley looks at Richard and he’s like, “Dude, you’ve got some Ilana on you.”

Richard: OMG. OMG. THAT WAS…THAT WAS…only a slight kink in our plans. Time to move on.
Hurley: Time to move on? She just blew up like 7 seconds ago! Pieces of her are still falling from the sky!
Richard: Get a hold of yourself, man! We have precious little time!

***

Sawyer: I want you to stop whittling your wood long enough to talk to me.
Mocke: That’s. What. She. Said.
Kate: Hey look! I got a line in this episode!
Sawyer: Remind the audience what Team Mocke is up to, will ya?
Mocke: We’re waiting to rendezvous with the other candidates.
Sawyer: Right.
Mocke: Then we’ll all go to the plane together.
Sawyer: Right.

Mocke: So I can kill you all at once.
Sawyer: Ri…wait, what??
Mocke: LOL did I say kill? I MEANT SAVE.

And then Iraqi Eeyore, who is acting more and more like someone in an antidepressant commercial leads Locke away into the trees…

Disembodied Voice: Are you turning into a person you don’t recognize?
Sayid: *sigh*
Disembodied Voice: Is it hard for you to enjoy the things you have always loved?
Sayid: Torcha-ing is just no fun anymore.
Disembodied Voice: Do you feel tired, hopeless, and empty inside?
Sayid: *exhale*
Disembodied Voice: Talk to your doctor about Zombutrin, which can help alleviate symptoms of being a walking corpse possessed by evil.

So anyway, Eeyore leads Mocke to a clearing where he has tied “The Package” to a tree!

“Hey there, Box Man. Long time no see.”

***

After grieving the loss of Ilana for no minutes, Richard, who is getting increasingly bitchy with every episode, suggests that they have to go get even more dynamite from the Black Rock! (I guess being immortal kind of quells the whole I’m-going-to-blow-up-too fear.)

Hurley: YES. LET US GO TO THE BLACK ROCK WHERE WE WILL DEFINITELY OBTAIN SOME MORE DYNAMITE.
Everyone Else: …
Hurley: I AM NOT LYING. I SIMPLY CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.

***

Mr. Cluck’s Guy: No way! You’re Hugo Reyes, the owner of Mr. Cluck’s Chicken franchise!
Hurley: No way! You’re Neil Schweiber, the adorably Jewy nerd from Freaks and Geeks!

So Precious Hurley sits down to drown his sorrows in a bucket of delicious Southern-fried antidepressants, when a certain Hot Scot shows up to rain on his pity parade!

(Sidenote: LOL LOOK AT THE KID IN THE POSTER IN THE BACKGROUND. WTF is he eating one of those KFC Double Downs?? LOL. Ahem.)

So Desmond chats up Hugo and the tradition of telling a stranger your innermost secrets continues on from last week, when Hurley admits that some crazy lady might be his soul mate from anothah life, brothah!

“What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you’re gonna hurl?”

Desmond: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. If you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.
Hurley: Oh, I’m not ready yet. I gotta be comfortable with me first.
Desmond: Why don’t you just go talk to her? *echo* Talk to her? Talk to her?

***

Mocke: You know who I am? And where you are?
Desmond: Suuuure. You’re John Locke. And I’m tied to a tree in a jungle of mysteries.

Desmond explains that Widmore kidnapped him and brought him back to the island so he could stick him in a giant wooden microwave, turn it up to 1.21 gigawatts, and nuke the shit out of him!

Mocke: And how do you know that’s what he blasted you with?
Desmond: From experience, mate. Last time that happened I time traveled for a while and then woke up in middle of the jungle buck naked.

*thinks about Naked!Desmond*

Mocke’s like, “Go away, Eeyore. I need to show Desmond something.” Sayid mopes away with a tiny rain cloud over his head, and Mocke turns to Desmond and he’s like, “Desmond, have you ever been in a…in a Turkish prison?”

And as he says this, he sticks his hand out to Desmond. Methinks this hand-sticking-out thing is fast becoming the new looking-at-self-in-mirror thing!

***

Ben: The island just got rid of her!
Jack: Yep.
Ben: You know, when I was the leader of the Others, I would often dispose of people who were no longer of use to me. After seeing what happened to Ilana, I am starting to think that perhaps my past actions were not exactly justified.
Jack: Don’t be alarmed, but…I think you’re learning to feel feelings, Ben.

When they finally get to the Black Rock, Hurley’s running like he’s got a killer rabbit on his tail, screaming “RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!!”

This episode of Lost has been brought to you by Acme Explosives, the company you’ve trusted to blow your shit up since 1943!!

I mean seriously, did Michael Bay direct this episode??

The weird thing is that I think we (Richard included) were all more upset about the Black Rock being blown to smithereens than we were about Ilana exploding!

“So that janitor from the Freighter came to yell at you? He always did seem like kind of a douche.”

Hurley: He’s even douchier as a ghost. But he killed some people on the island when he was alive, and I think maybe he’s stuck here because of that.
Miles: Sucks to be him, dude.
Hurley: If only I knew someone who was skilled in the art of helping ghosts move on from this world to the next.
Miles: …
Hurley: Like a real life Ghostbuster.
Miles: If only!

***

“Me telling you this is a total breech of doctor/patient confidentiality, but that stranger you met in the restaurant has breaks from reality. I really don’t think it’s a good idea that you see her.”

But Hurley cut the guy a check for $100K to spiff up the gnarly rec room, so the doctor let him see her! (Which in turn kind of makes Libby the world’s most expensive prostitute, amiright??)

“By the way, I loved you on The Practice.”

So anyway Libby walks in and immediately assumes that Hurley remembered this other life of theirs, but really he was just there to say hi and find out more about these memories she was having!

“Well, there was a plane crash, and an island, and a bitchy Puerto Rican chick, and a dentist, and a blond girl with amnesia, and a hatch, and you had an eating disorder and an imaginary friend. We liked each other, and we made out on some cliffs once. It was adorable.”

And even though she is obviously off her rocker, Hurley is super nice to her and asks her out on a date!

“Not to put any pressure on you or anything, but I paid $100,000 to go out with you. That means second base. Just so you know.”

And Libby is just fine with second base because she knows in her crazy heart that Hurley is her cosmic soul mate!

Libby: YAY!
Hurley: YAY!
Libby’s first husband: So I guess I’m just chopped liver, is that right?

***

“Psssst.”

Desmond: Who’s that kid?
Audience: YEAH WHO’S THAT KID??

“That’s no one. Ignore him.”

Desmond: But there’s a kid right there.
Mocke: Yeah, I said ignore him.
Desmond: Is that the kid from earlier in the season?
Audience: YEAH, IS THAT THE SAME KID FROM EARLIER IN THE SEASON?
Mocke: I SAID IGNORE HIM!
Desmond: OCH!
Audience: BUT WE CAN’T IGNORE HIM ;_;

Kid & Lost Writers: *shit-eating grin*

***

So Richard’s still freaking out, and he decides he’s going to go back to the Dharma barracks and find some more explodey stuff! But Hurley’s all, “No wait, Jacob is totally standing right there next to you and he says we gotta go have a chat with Mocke!” But Richard doesn’t believe him because Jacob may be a lot of things, but he never tells people what to do…sort of.

Hurley: I know what to do because the dead ex-protector of the island told me what had to be done!
Richard: I know what to do because my dead wife told me what had to be done!
Ben: My dead daughter told me what had to be done, but she was only blowing smoke [monster] up my ass.
Sun & Lapidus: Jack’s dead father told us what had to be done, but everyone seems to have forgot about that storyline.
Jack: Hey, I’m just going with the flo…wait, did you just say my dad??

So there was a splitting of the factions – Ben decides to go with Richard because Bichard is an OTP. Miles also goes because he might not be afraid of no ghosts – but he is definitely afraid of Smokey!

Jack, Sun, and Lapidus decide to stay on Team Hurley because they believe him. It’s only too bad HOO-GO’s mom isn’t there – she would have been able to tell them right away that he is obviously lying!!

***

“Hurley, what I’m about to say might shock you. First of all, I know you’re lying. Second of all, I am not going to try and fix this little pickle we’ve found ourselves in.”

Yes, in a mind-blowing turn of events, Jack exhibited SELF-AWARENESS.

Jack: Ever since I got Juliet killed, I’ve felt like I needed to fix things.
Audience: Wait wait wait – did he just admit to getting Juliet killed?
Jack: But I finally understand that I can’t fix anything!
Audience: :O
Jack: I’ve NEVER been able to fix things!
Audience: :O
Jack: You have no idea how hard it is to let you take over and be the one in charge, but I think I’m supposed to let go.
Audience: IS THIS OPPOSITE DAY??
Jack: I’m happy to let you lead, Hurley. And look – I managed to get through a scene without Jearing.

And the audience and Hurley are just like “Who is this Jack-shaped person!?!?!?”

Jack: It’s only taken me 6 seasons, but I’ve suddenly realized that all work and no play make Jack a dull boy dick.
Hurley: So now what?
Jack: Tell me what I can’t do!

Before Hurley had any more time to stutter and look perplexed, he heard some whispers again, and all nonchalantly he’s like, “OH HAY I JUST FIGURED OUT WHAT THE WHISPERS ARE!” and he summons the Ghost of Seasons Past, and he’s like, “Michael, are you…stuck here? And the other whispers are other people stuck here too?”

Michael: Ding ding ding! You have solved the Mystery of the Whispers! You’ve won a ton of questions about how/why the whispers actually work, as well as a lifetime supply of Dharma Ranch dressing!
Hurley: Sweet!!
Michael: Now don’t go getting yourself killed. And if you ever see Libby again, tell her I’m very sorry.
Hurley: Will do. What if I see Ana-Lucia?
Michael: Um…like I said, if you see Libby tell her I said sorry.

***

Back in the Sideways World, Libby and Hurley are out on their $100K date, and things are going well, albeit weird…

Libby: This is like a date we never had, on a beach we’ve never been to, on a blanket we never owned!
Hurley: Ummm…maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
Libby: I like you, Hugo! What can I say, I have a thing for mutton chops and freckles.

And then Hurley got to say something I’m sure many of us have felt at one point or another! He says, “You only like me because you’re delusional.”

But delusional or not, Libby wanted to hold up her end of the bargain for this date of theirs, so she leans over and kisses him!

And right at that moment, Hurley got one of those waves all the cool kids are having! He remembered the eating disorder and the imaginary friend and the making out on cliff tops, and I’m guessing he conveniently didn’t remember the shootings/death/carnage!

So Libby’s not crazy after all! She and Hurley are sharing in the same hallucination without smoking any drugs or anything! They must be soul mates.

So I guess now Desmond is acting like some kind of Scottish Cupid, driving around in his sports car, shooting arrows into the butts of all the Oceanic passengers!

Audience: This is cute and all, but what about the people who never fell in love on the island? How will he get through to them?
Lost Writers: Patience, my young Padawan.

***

“Well, well, well…we’re here!”

Desmond: Nice play on words, Box Man. But why’d you want to show me this?
Mocke: This well was a Hot Pocket of energy back in the day. Now it’s just a convenient place to murder someone. I MEAN CHAT WITH SOMEONE.

Desmond: I didn’t quite catch that first part…
Mocke: Look, Desmond. Widmore brought you here to help him gain power.
Desmond: Mmm hm.
Mocke: But with great power comes great responsibility. Which is not something Widdy understands.

Desmond: Yup.
Mocke: Unfortunately I think in order to get it through that bald head of his, I’m going to have to make a sacrifice.
Desmond: Very good.

Mocke: Why aren’t you afraid of me?
Desmond: I’ve come to understand that there’s nothing to fear, but fear itself.
Mocke: I hate to break this to you, but I AM FEAR ITSELF.

AND THEN HE FREAKING THREW TIMMY O’TOOLE DOWN THE WELL!!!!!! ‘Z;DLKF’;LSDKFGA;’LKFD

But I think it’s probably okay!! Desmond is a time traveler from the UK, and as any good Timelord knows, that well is definitely bigger on the inside!

***

So Hurley rolls up to Camp Mocke-awana, and he’s like, “PARLAY! PARLAY!” and he tells Mocke that he wants to talk, but before he does anything they both have to agree to surrender their weapons.

Mocke gives up his knife, which is totally hilarious considering HIS WHOLE FREAKING BODY IS A GIANT WEAPON. HELLO!?

Anyway, the Sun-bot struck again, only since she’s all mute now she could only mime the “Jin? Jin? My husband? JIN!?” face when she walked into the camp and saw he wasn’t there.

Jack walked in, and Kate and Sawyer were…thrilled to see him.

But the one who seems happiest to see Jack is Mocke because I’m guessing Jack’s going to be the prize piece of Mocke’s little Candidate collection!

Needless to say Jack does not share in his enthusiasm, and looks like he probably peed a little. After all, unless you’re a frequent guest on Larry King Live, it’s not every day that you come face to face with a walking corpse.

***

Back in the Sideways World, Scottish Cupid seems to be lurking around the high school Locke and Ben work at! Because that’s not creepy at all!

“Hi there friend, I may have borderline inappropriate relationships with some of my students, but flat out stalking is where I draw the line. hhhhWhat exactly are you doing here?”

Desmond makes up a cock and bull story about having a son named Charlie (no doubt the bitchy heroin-using rock star and not the ringlet-ed Baby!Charlie in the other timeline), but really he’s watching Locke like a hawk! So Desmond starts driving away…

Audience: So is Desmond going to shoot an arrow into Locke’s paralyzed buttocks?
Lost Writers: Um…
Desmond: Grrrrrrrrr………
Audience: Wait a second, something isn’t right…
Lost Writers: Remember that thing you asked about earlier?
Locke: *rolling along* I’m so happy this new teaching job is working out. For once my whole life doesn’t suck!
Desmond: GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
Audience: OMG BRACE FOR IMPACT!!!!!

And before we could really figure out WTF was going on, Desmond PLOWS into Locke!!!!!! Because having your kidney stolen, being thrown from an 8-story building, getting in a giant car crash, surviving a plane crash, being shot and left for dead multiple times, being attacked by a polar bear, surviving the hatch imploding, being MURDERED, and being used as the Devil’s hand puppet, WASN’T ENOUGH, APPARENTLY!!!!!!

And so Locke is laying there on the ground twitching, and we’re like WHAT THE HELL?? Did Desmond somehow know about the other Locke and he wanted to get revenge?? Or did he just want to awaken the memories of the other life? I mean, he didn’t have to give Hurley a near-death experience to get him to remember, right? WHAT THE HELL, LOST!? O_o

And, as ever, Locke is laying on the ground, covered in blood, thinking, “FML.”

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This week on Lost, Desmond gets microwaved and becomes Widmore’s right hand man, Eloise makes some cryptic comments, Daniel plays the piano, Minkowski goes big pimping, Penny goes for a run, and we have to watch Charlie drown. Again.

Previously on Lost…

“OCH BENJAMIN YOO’VE SHOT ME RIGHT IN THA GROCERIES!!!!!!!!!”

***

So after being dragged out of the submarine and blinked at by Mermayid, Desmond comes to, and we get another shot of someone’s Aye eye!

“Desmond? I’m Zoe. You might be out of sorts for a moment, you were shot a few days ago, and that Roofie Colada we gave you in the hospital really knocked you on your ass.”

And Desmond was just as happy to see Zoe as we all are every week! He was like, “Hoo the hell are yoo? A poor man’s Tina Fey? Where’s Penneh?”

But before Zoe could explain anything, Chuck Widmore comes lurking into the room, and he’s all like, “Good morning, sunshine! I have some good news and some bad news. Good news is Ben’s bullet failed to kill you. Bad news is that I’m sorry, but we couldn’t save the groceries. Oh, and I’ve had to magically whisk you away from everyone you love…”

Now poor Desmond, whose entire life has been a steady stream of unfortunate events, hears this and he’s like “Oh no. Oh no. Oh no you dih-int, Charles. Like a screen door in a hurricane, that is how hard I will hit you if you say what I think you’re about to say.”

“Desmond, I brought you back to the island. Unconscious. Locked in a submarine broom closet. I’m sorry. I’m even more sorry that we’re all pretty sure Zoe over there snuck in and spooned you when she thought no one was watching.”

So Desmond FREAKS THE FRAK OUT, and we can’t blame him! It’s bad enough that this Sam Eagle-looking dickhead dragged him back to this island, but that Zoe chick is gross.

Desmond: TAKE ME BACK!! WE HAVE TO GO BACK KATE CHARLES!
Widmore: This island’s not done with you yet!
Audience: OOH THAT’S WHAT ELOISE TOLD DESMOND LAST YEAR!
Lost Writers: Indeed.

***

So Widmore orders his lackies to take Jin over to some generator that they’re setting up, and when they get there we can immediately see that whatever this thing is, it doesn’t bode well for our favorite Scotsman.

This generator thing wasn’t supposed to be used until the following day, so Neville Longbottom’s freaking out about it! And of COURSE they’re about to throw a rabbit in there to test it out because Darlton obviously have a deep-seated hatred of fluffy white bunnies!!

The whosie-whatsie on the Flux Capacitor isn’t working or something, so Neville sends this dude out there to check it out! But the guy doesn’t realize this thing is NSFW, and some jackass inside flips a switch and the thing starts glowing, and Neville’s all, “TURN IT OFF MAN, TURN IT OFF! IT’S SUCKING HIS WILL TO LIVE! OHHH THE HUMANITY!”

But it was too late! And Neville’s like, “Well, shit. Someone grab some graham crackers. We can at least make some redshirt Smores out of this toasted mallow.”

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY HIS JOB WAS….

*PUTS ON SUNGLASSES*

WELL-DONE.

YYYYEEEEEAHHHHHHH

So anyway they drag Desmond up to the door, and he sees the dead guy, and he’s just like, “But…I’m not microwave-safe.” :(

***

Widmore: If everything I’ve heard about you is true, you are quite the hero, this experiment won’t kill you, and you’re a fantastic kisser.
Desmond: Don’t believe the hype.
Widmore: Once this is over I’m going to ask you to make a sacrifice.
Desmond: Am I taking crazy pills? ALL I EVER DO IS MAKE SACRIFICES.
Widmore: If you don’t make this sacrifice the entire world will end.
Desmond: O_o
Widmore: No pressure or anything.

So they strap Desmond into a chair that looks like Dwight Schrute built in his barn, and Desmond’s going nuts and raging against the machine and whatnot. Jin tries to stop Widmore & Gang from doing whatever is it they’re about to do, but Widmore is adamant!

Widmore: Look, this island might be chock full of Chosen Ones, but of the Chosen Ones, Desmond is THE CHOSEN ONE! He is the only person in the world to survive a catastrophic electromagnetic event! That hatch implosion should have killed him, not just blown off his underwear!
Desmond Fangirls: We are looking to reproduce those results again, plz, thx.

Somebody call Scott Bakula because we are totally about to make a Quantum Leap!!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

***

So even though he seemed to have disappeared off the plane in the Sideways World, Desmond landed safe and sound and was staring at his reflection in the monitor just like everyone else this season! And shocker – he’s in a blue shirt that I’m sure will be losing a few buttons shortly!

And just like the last time he was timesorbed into another dimension, Desmond sees Hurley first! Only this time Hurley told him where the luggage carousel was and didn’t give Des a tie-dye dress to wear.

And what’s this – I’d recognize that gigantic awful wig anywhere! As if Desmond wasn’t swoon-worthy enough, he helps a very pregnant Claire with her suitcase and then offered her a ride home!

Claire: No thanks, I’ll be meeting my new carjacker/BFF outside in a few minutes.
Desmond: Well that sounds as reasonable as an incredibly pregnant girl wearing a mini-skirt. Ta-ta! Good luck with your son!
Claire: Son? Um thank you, spoiler alert!

So the parade of cameos just keeps on coming when TV and Film’s Fischer Stevens, a.k.a. That Guy From the Freighter a.k.a. George Minkowski turns up as Desmond’s driver!! And it turns out he is a class act!

“Is there anything I can get you for your journey back to the office? Snack? Beverage? Blow? Thai hooker? I hear Bai Ling’s in town.”

But since Desmond is such a consummate gentleman, he declines. “AH DON’T WANT A HOOKAH, BROTHAH! The only thing I want to do after a 14-hour flight is go straight to work.” And we’re all like, WOW this isn’t the same slacker we’ve all come to know and love! Maybe Sideways Desmond never had tah get his honah bach?!

So Desmond goes to this fancy office building and goes right in to see his boss, who is none other than Charles Widmore! And not only is he his boss, they actually LIKE each other!!!!!

“Hug it out, bitch!”

“I can’t quit you, sir!”

And then we see Widmore’s scales painting, which is as subtle as that stupid V countdown last week! (It even has the black and white rocks on it!)

So then Widmore asks Desmond to babysit a certain rock star for the afternoon because he’s playing at a charity thing with his musician son later on, and Des agrees because he’s Widmore’s Assistant (to the) Regional Manager or whatever.

Widmore: You really have the life, Hume. No family, no commitments – you’re free of all attachments.
Desmond: I’m footloose and fancy free, sir.

And then for the sake of tradition, Widmore breaks out the MacCutcheon Scotch!

Desmond: That’s your 60-year old Scotch, I’m not worthy!
Widmore: Nothing is too good for you, Desmond.
Lost Writers: See what we did there, kids?
Audience: Laying it on a little thick, don’t you think?
Lost Writers: Your mom lays it on a little thick.

***

So Desmond’s got to go pick up his ward from the jail, and on the way in he catches a glimpse of his reflection AGAIN. Only this time instead of a white background it’s a black background, which made all the Lost nerds’ hearts palpitate just a little.

And Desmond’s trying to introduce himself to this rock star guy and maybe give him a little advice, so he’s like, “Look, if you don’t stop doing drugs…CHAH-LEE, YA GONNA DY-EE!”

But seriously Charlie could really give a rat’s ass and so he walks across the street – through all the oncoming traffic – and goes right into a bar. Because that is how rock stars roll. Even VH-1 Has-Beens.

Desmond follows him, and Charlie asks what anyone would ask a person you literally just met 20 seconds ago…

Charlie: You happy with your life?
Desmond: I’m a jet-setting Scottish gigolo, what’s not to love? My life is awesome.
Charlie: Yes, but have you ever been in love?
Desmond: No way! Life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money.
Charlie: Yeah well you might like to know that your wife from another universe is on my new show and she’s married to Voldemort’s brother, but she’s gonna cheat on him with James Norrington…

While Charlie is rambling, Desmond updates his Twitter: At the bar with @youalleverybody. #eatyourheartsout

Charlie: I want to tell you something – when we hit that turbulence on the plane you and I were both inexplicably on together, I choked on a bag of heroin and had all these visions of an adorable blond girl and peanut butter and tying messages to bird legs and a Turniphead, and it was all so REAL! I’ve never even seen her before, but I knew I loved her! And then some sniffly doctor dislodged the heroin and it all vanished, the sobbing sodding idiot.
Desmond: …did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid?

Anyway Desmond gives Charlie a choice – either come with him and perform the concert with Widmore’s son, or make an enemy of Widmore by not showing up. Charlie agrees to go, but we can tell there’s definitely a foul plot afoot at the Circle K.

Charlie: You think you’ve got it all, but you don’t.
Desmond: Why? Because none of this is real or something?
Audience: Yes we are wondering the same thing!

But before anyone could explain anything, Charlie grabs the wheel and drives them straight into the harbor!!!!!!!! What a little shithead!!!

But when Desmond dove down to save Charlie from the sinking car, we all realized what was happening!! As if we haven’t had to watch Charlie die ENOUGH TIMES on this show, he opens his eyes, looks straight at Desmond, and presses his hand against the window!!!

AND WE ALL GET GOOSEBUMPS BECAUSE THAT IS HOW WE DO. ‘;DLSFKA’;LSDKF;ALSDKFAL;DS

And despite being super freaked out about this vision he’s having, Desmond’s all, “No window love!” and he saves Charlie from drowning! I guess no matter which universe he’s in, Desmond’s got to be the lifeguard!

***

Naturally they are taken to the hospital where Desmond is buttoning his shirt back up, something we had no idea he knew how to do! And the doctor tells him he got a concussion during the crash, and asks him is he’s having any hallucinations.

Since, “I’m not sure” is definitely the wrong answer to that question, she sends him for an MRI.

Nurse: You have any metal objects in your body?
Desmond: No.
Nurse: Metal plate in your head, bullets, shrapnel, anything?
Desmond: No.
Nurse: Just your magnetic personality then, huh?
Desmond: …
Nurse: Alrighty then.

So the guy gives Desmond a panic button that he’s supposed to push every 108 minutes and/or when he gets claustrophobic. But the moment the MRI machine starts doing its thing, it happens!

Desmond has this wave of feelings wash over him, just like Charlie described! Only instead of peanut butter and bird legs, it’s Penneh and Baby Charlie and it’s like OMG!!!!!! ‘ad;lsfkas;lkfld

I mean seriously Desmond and Penny are totally this show’s OTP!!!!!! So he jumps out of the MRI machine and goes off to find Charlie!

***

“Hey you’re that guy from on the plane! Desmond, right? It’s amazing that in a city with like 4 million people in it all of us just keep bumping into each other!”

“You saved a little British guy on the plane, right? Have you seen him around here? He called you a sodding idiot, you know. Little ingrate.”

“What I want to know is why my hair is like an inch longer than it was this morning. And how come we all apparently went right to work after that long ass flight? And what do you mean he called me an idiot??”

But they had to cut their conversation short because Charlie was on the run! He may be a big tool bag in the Sideways World, but really, it’s so nice to see that cute little hobbit face again.

So Desmond corners Charlie and looks for the Not Penny’s Boat thing on his hand!

Charlie: You saw something, didn’t you?
Desmond: Who is Penneh?? Ah think ah luff her!
Charlie: Well go and find her then!
Desmond: I can’t do that, I have ~*obligations*~ that need to be fulfilled.
Charlie: This doesn’t matter! NONE of this matters!
Audience: HE’S SAYING WHAT WE’RE ALL THINKING!!!!! SCREW YOU, SIDEWAYS WORLD!

Desmond: You have to come with me! Mrs. Widmore is expecting you!
Charlie: I don’t have to do anything except stay white and die! Now go away!
Desmond: And to think I was going to name my alternate universe son after you, you jerk.
Charlie: Forget about me – start looking for Penny!

***

So Widmore was pissed Desmond let Charlie run off in his skivvies, and he told Desmond he had to break the news to Mrs. Widmore in person. We all knew who this persnickety old lady had to be.

“Mrs. Widmore! How lovely to finally meet you! My, what pretty brooches you’re wearing!”

And then we look at the brooches she’s wearing and we’re like HOLY SHIT!

They look exactly like that design that got branded into Juliet’s back when she went on trial for killing Pickett! OMG! And there are two of them! For like…two different timelines! Right!?

Anywho, Desmond lays on the charm and lets Eloise know that Driveshaft aren’t going to be able to play her party after all. He expected her to flip out at him after all he’d heard about her, and he was just as surprised as we were when she replied, “Oh, don’t worry!”

Eloise: It is fiiiine. Don’t worry about it. Whatever Happened, Happened! If I’m telling The Whole Truth, Driveshaft not playing the party will really Do No Harm. They were only going to play their Greatest Hits anyway. We’ll just hire The Substitute. Now please let me get back, I only have about Three Minutes before I have to give these people Further Instructions about The Hunting Party.
Desmond: Did you say hunting party?
Eloise: PARTY. Just party. Gotta go, byeee!

So Desmond doesn’t feel too bad and starts to walk away, but just then he hears one of the party planny people say that a Penny Milton was on the guest list! So he stops to ask them about it, and Eloise swoops in and practically drags him away by the ear!

“You knock this off right this instant, Desmond David Hume! I don’t know who affected the way you’re seeing things, but you need to STOP. This is a violation!”

“…wha?”

“Whatever it is you’re looking for, stop! You have everything you could ever want in this life, including what you wanted most of all – my husband’s respect! So stop trying to find Penny! It’s not TIME YET.”

“…WHA!?”

“You’re not ready to see her! Time has a way of course correcting! The island isn’t done with you yet! You’re just saving the world, brother!! How much else can I say to confuse you and everyone in the audience?”

“You’ve said enough, thanks.”

So after having his ass totally handed to him by a petite old lady with giant hair, Desmond sulks back to the limo, where George probably has that hooker waiting! Only someone comes and knocks on the window!

Desmond: Who are you, then?
Daniel: My name’s Daniel Widmore. I’m a musician. You could probably tell from my jaunty hat. We need to talk.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

***

Desmond follows him, and Daniel asks what anyone would ask a person you literally just met 20 seconds ago…

“Do you believe in love at first sight?”

“Are you joking? You’re the second total stranger to ask me this today…”

“Look at this face. Do I look like I’m joking? I think not, my friend.”

Daniel: I was walking through a museum last week and I saw her – a redhead. Blue eyes. She was eating chocolate.
Audience: Laying it on a little thick again there, Lost.
Lost Writers: YOUR MOM!
Daniel: When I saw her, it was like I had already loved her.

“Like loved her in anothah life, brothah?”

“Exactly! And then the next night I woke up in the middle of the night, and instead of housing a few bowls of Fruity Pebbles like I normally do, I wrote out all these crazy ass equations!”

Desmond: Well? What do they mean?
Daniel: Hey man, I’m a musician, not a physicist! I don’t speak nerd. But I conveniently have a good friend who is into this crap and he explained it.
Desmond: And?
Daniel: I think…we’re in purgatory.
Audience: LOL n00b!

Daniel: j/k you guys. Okay I know this sounds crazy, but I think this wasn’t really supposed to be our life. We had another life, but something so catastrophic was going to happen that the only way to stop it was to set off a nuke, which I must have done, and that’s how we’re here now, but the wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff is like seeping through or something.
Desmond: And you got this from one page of equations? You must be out of your gourd.
Daniel: Look…why were you asking about someone named Penny?

“Ah…ah I think ah luff her, but I’ve never met her. I don’t know who or where she is. I don’t even know if she exists, brothah!”

“Funny you say that because…I’m her brothah. From anothah mothah. Penny’s my half-sister, dude. And I can tell you exactly where she is.”

***

And then we finally see Penny! And she’s back at the stadium where her and Desmond had their last meeting before he went on the sailing race and also where Desmond met Jack the first time!

And Desmond walks up to her, and is like, “Are you Penny? Do you not have a boat?” which would be super creepy under normal circumstances, but Desmond is adorable so I’ll allow it!

And just like Jack did to Sun and Smokey did to Richard, Desmond sticks his hand out to shake with Penny, but right when he touches her…

BAM! He’s back on the island in 2007!! OMGWTFPOLARBEAR!? And it turns out he was only unconscious for a few seconds! WHAT.

Widmore was a little shocked that Desmond actually survived being nuked, and he started to reconsider that thing he said to him a long time ago about not being worth a sip of that stupid Scotch.

Widmore: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance…
Desmond: Sure.
Widmore: …to use sudden violence.
Desmond: Okay.
Widmore: Seriously?
Desmond: Seriously.

So there’s got to be something Desmond knows that we don’t know, right?? I mean he changed his mind awfully damn fast! And he seems so serene about it! Maybe that giant microwave fried his brain or something.

Anyway Zoe is leading Desmond elsewhere, when, as is his wont, Sayid jumps out of the bushes with his guns [firearm and actual arms] blazing!!!

Sayid: I AM THE PWNISHER. I KEEL YOU NOW.
Widmore’s Lackies: PLEASE DON’T KILL U….*dies and is dead*
Audience: YAY KILL ZOE!!!!! VIOLENTLY!!!!!
Sayid: TINA FEY, RUN AWAY. COME AGAIN SOME OTHER DAY.
Audience: *face palm*

So in a moment of breathtaking irony, after killing like 5 dudes simultaneously, Sayid tells Desmond that those people are very dangeous!! LOL! And even though Desmond just told Charles he’s on Team Widmore, he wanders off after Sayid, smile on his face, cool as a cucumber, mumbling something about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.

***

Back in the Sideways World, it turned out that the second Desmond touched Penny he fainted!

“Are you okay? You took quite a tumble! I’m not a doctor, but I play one on another show.”

So Desmond totally asks Penny out on a date, which again would have been weird, but look at this guy, how could you say no to that??

After giggling like a schoolgirl for a moment, Penny agreed to go meet Desmond for coffee! (I wonder if Juliet will be there at the shop on her own death rattle coffee date?)

Desmond was finally at peace with all the craziness that had gone on that day – after all, I guess the thing about your Constant is that they’re your Constant no matter which universe you happen to be in at the time. Sigh.

“Jeeves, can you get me the manifest from my flight today? I have something I have to show them…”

“No problem, boss! After all what limo driver can’t illegally obtain passenger manifests? Now let’s go have a music montage of us humorously primping you for your date tonight.”

*cue Hall and Oates’ You Make My Dreams*

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